How can I get my boyfriend to trust me when it comes to sex?

My new boyfriend has rejected me twice when I tried to initiate sex. He said his ex girlfriend almost ruined his life and career when she accused him of rape and now he has a difficult time trusting anyone. I completely understand that but I still want to share the moment with him very much and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to pressure him but he said i have to start things off but when I do I still get rejected. I've never experienced this in all my years of dating. i have a difficult time initiating intimacy and I really feel the rejection when it happens. He is the best man that’s ever come into my life so I will not leave him.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • He isn't ready for another relationship, that's as simple as I can make it.

    In detail, he is still holding onto bad experiences from the past and dragging them into your relationship now.

    I can't really blame him for the way he feels and being defensive after such a past, but he is also impacting this relationship and putting the faults of his ex onto you, which isn't fair.

    There isn't anything you can do to change his view or fix his issues. He has to fix them himself and realise what he is doing to your relationship. While he can blame his ex for the way he is now, he can only blame himself for his current actions, not you.

    So you either wait for him to figure his shit out and put up with this, or you break up and find someone who is more suitable and ready for a relationship. Perhaps that might be enough for him to realise the detrimental impact he is causing.

    Neither of you are in the wrong here, keep that in mind. But there are conflicting issues that need to be resolved before they completely ruin what is left.

    Again, you can't be blamed for what his ex did in the past and you can't be blamed for having needs. But he can't be blamed for being defensive from his past experience of being accused of rape that he didn't do and the consequences he experienced because of those accusations... It's similar to how when a women is assaulted, raped or beaten from a past partner and fearing their new partner may do the same and get defensive.

    In either case, neither is ready for a relationship.

    • I agree to an extent. He decided to fall for her. He decide to be with this new girl and that's his choice. He needs to sit down and relive that one last time with someone who supports him, like this lady, and let her final comfort him. It is when we men are at are weakest that we truly reach out to others. And that's what he needs not to lock all the hurt away but to let it out and let his heart grab hold of something or someone new. She can sooth his soul until the pain leaves. If she really is that faithful she will continue to love him and their bond will grow. Men should not just throw their pain away and move on... we gotta open up and let go. Only then can the heart heal. That way when the intimacy really happens, the bond is stronger and it feels real and solid. He went use her as a crutch if he does it right but he won't be afraid anymore. And that is the million dollar answer.

  • Daaaaamn that sounds like a big trauma, look if he is not exagerating about the acusatiom of rape that means that the situation maybe escalated to legal affairs, which that would have been stressful af, and yeah... Just imagine being in a situation were you are facing jail and judgement from all the people you know, that sounds like hell.

    So... Uh... Yeah thats going to be hard, specially if it was recent... Mmmh... Maybe you could try going in for something sexual but not as sex sex, maybe give him a bj, hj, fingering, hell maybe even grind him over his clothes lol, maybe that way he will feel secure since those are activities that i guess couldn't be interpreted as rape, maybe? I don't know, damn this one is hard.

    If he doesn't get sexual with things like hj, bj, fingering then i would say he is gonna need therapy, because the trauma of that acussation... Just thinking about it gives me chills.

    Now... I don't want any details but try to see if he gets hard when things start to go sensual, you know like when you start giving some serious kissing, if he doesn't even get hard, then thats definitely gonna need therapy

Most Helpful Girls

  • He doesn't want to have sex. No matter what he says his reacts are telling you no. Premarital sex should never happened in the first place. But what happened in his past relationship was scaring for both parties. Instead of him dating, he should be seeing a therapist for the situation. If sex is what you really want them you need to end it and don't push him. Domt say you want to stay but can't control yourself either. Nobody wants to be pushed. You want to share that moment, then get married. Dating is never a safe place for sex. Somebldy can always do what his ex did or walk away when it gets worse. You both just started dating. This is a big no-no. He doesn't see he now has a fear of that.

  • I suggest you give him some time, and by some time I do not mean a week and ten asking I'm every other week, cuz then no, you do not understand.
    You can talk to him and tell I'm that from now on you will wait and e patient. Also, he should e the one to make the move whenever he thinks it's time because you can't be the one to know when he's ready.
    If he doesn't trust you (with not accusing him of rape or in general) then he shouldn't be with you OR dating.
    Honestly, you should tell him all of the above.

    • and then* asking him* tell him* and be* should be* sorry my keyboard is a mess

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What Girls & Guys Said

4 38
  • Is he in therapy? If not probably should go.

  • Time. Trust has to be built up, earned and maintained. This is no different than a guy dating a woman who was a rape victim. It may take 2 two weeks, 2 months or 2 years. It depends on your love and patience. Take things one step at a time. Make a move he is comfortable with and once he has regained enough confidence, make another move and so on. This will have to be done gradually over time so he can see you are to be trusted.

  • He really needs to see a Therapist to work through this Trauma. He is suffering from PTSD and will nit be able to move forward in a Healthy Relationship until he deals with the Trauma. I wish you both well.

    • I agree completely. We're not therapists. Trying to fix him herself could make him and the situation worse

    • I am a Therapist, I do not do that on here. But will strongly urge peoplevto get help. You are right more harm can than good can be done here if given the wrong advice even by a Licensed Therapist who has never seen or spoke to the client in question.

  • Sounds like he's got some serious trust issues, therapy is probably going to be necessary, couples therapy might be a great option to work on that trust issue together. He will likely slowly move past this with time, therapy will make the transition smoother and hopefully faster.

  • let his wiener overwhelm his depressive mind

  • Pearl: If he is the best man you've had a relationship with, then he is worth waiting for. Give him time, let him learn to trust you and to feel safe about you. The saying used to be, once bitten, twice shy. He needs time. Be patient, and it will happen.

  • Dependent upon where you live, a person's behavior leading up to a sex act is a potential admissible defense against allegations of rape. If you allow him to record the encounter, then the event is well documented. Or, texting him your intent of initiating sex would also be a valid defense for him. At any rate, I think he's overthinking this, but understandingly.

  • Communication is key.

  • He will need more time to build up trust, so focus on doing other activities together and slowly add intimacy

  • I can imagine him being distrusting, so i advise giving him tools to give him a bit of confidence. For example let one of his friends be a witness where you both sign a legal document that you consent to having sex with him and what limits there will be. That way he has something to fall back on in a legal case. And even though it may not be the best legal evidence and may not actually protect a guy it may help him get enough trust to give it a try.

  • There’s a deeper underlying issue here. With him not with you.

  • It takes time to build that trust. Be as supportive as you can be.

  • If he won't respond to a blowjob it's time to look elsewhere or consider an open marriage.

  • How long are you 2 togeder? And how did you 2 get togeder, afther what hapen to him?

  • Blame the Marxist scum that accused him, he's just going to have to get over it.

  • Sounds to be another poisoned fruit of #MeToo and Feminism.

  • Uffff...

    This sounds fucked up. Of course being falsely accused of rape is a nightmare of s scenario. This is one of the reasons that I don't really go to bars or clubs anymore and I will only consume alcohol in the presence of women that I know well. One allegation and a man's life is ruined. As for your boyfriend this is a problem that is beyond your pay grade - he may need some professional help to deal with this.

  • You simply tell him everything that you just ^ told us here in this post. Tell him.

  • I think he has high anxiety and depression check it out on Google. See if you see the signs get him some help. Most people are unaware someone is sick emotionally.

  • If you not going to leave him you need to put up with it.

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