How do I stop my boyfriend being so rough in bed?

Question

Don’t get me wrong, I love a bit of rough sex. But my boyfriend always goes to far. We tried using safe words but he never listens and always get caught in the heat of the moment. Outside of the bedroom he is really sweet, caring, easy-going and prefers me to make the decisions. When we’re in bed though I always end up with cuts, bruises, hickeys, rope/cuffs marks and sometimes marks on my neck from him choking me too hard.

I find it fun at first but then he always takes up to far. Last night it was so bad that I ended up in tears. He always says he’ll never do it again but carries on. He’s really sweet afterwards and comforts me. But it’s too much! I don’t know if it’s bordering on abuse or rape at times. But it starts feeling too real and scary. If things don’t change we either stop having sex or I’ll have to leave the relationship.

PBandJ_Nerd · Accepted Answer

I'm not sure how you can stop him from doing it. But if there's one thing I know, it's that a good dom would stop when the safe word is used and go into aftercare. If the dom does not stop when the safe word is used, then it is rape/abuse since the consent is taken away at that very moment. If he cannot respect the safe word during a scene and sex, then I would say to get out of there and find somebody who will. You could get very hurt by this-even wounds, injuries, and much worse could happen.

Breanna_nonbinary · Accepted Answer

I say that if he doesn’t listen to your safe word and respect boundaries then it’s only going to get worse to the point where you end up dead.

Guffrus · Accepted Answer

There is nothing borderline about it, he is raping you and you should report him to the police because he is going to keep doing this.

There is nothing wrong with liking rough sex or doing 'rape scenes' etc but that is not what is happening, at all.

You should absolutely not have this sort of sex with someone who doesn't know what no means.

Hawner · Accepted Answer

You will have to present him with the ultimatum: either you ease up during sex or say goodbye. One thing is that he loves you, but that doesn't mean he can treat you like that of you don't like it. You are even getting scared, that is not fair to you at all!

AustinMan · Answer

I suggest you tell him next time he ignites a star word, you're gone. No second chances.

RasmusAiken · Answer

Cuts? Bruises? Choking? Really? If it doesn't feel right to you and he doesn't respect your safe word then it is abuse. Dump his sorry ass before you're too dead to have any regrets.

JaneDoe377 · Answer

Listening is part of caring so... I'd be outta there

0112358 · Answer

Ignoring safe words is basically rape and he knows it.  you should be seriously concerned by this.

hellish-kitty · Answer

Oh my god, that's horrible! You should leave the relationship.

RHK36 · Answer

Get a new boyfriend or don't complain about him. He clearly doesn't listen to you and likes to hurt you. If you stick around that's on you.

AmeerX · Answer

Endure it you will get used to it. Or just start bring rough with him too like bit him nail him and all. Two can play at this game

Wise4myage · Answer

I think this guy has mental issues and you need to move from him before he loses control and seriously hurts you.

Twalli · Answer

Try to start having vanilla sex for a while. I mean you like it somewhat rough, but maybe try to have no roughness for a while

In_Trance · Answer

tell him to stop

iFarted · Answer

There's something psychologically weird about him, tell him to see a psychologist.

dragoblack · Answer

Bind him to the bed frame or take the lead

Benjamin_HM · Answer

tell him you like to be on top.

gandolph3 · Answer

tell him has to calm down or you will break up with him

Brownisback · Answer

If u need to ask this and not yet broken up with him then either u r too stupid or u dont value yourself... its an effin psychotic behavior... get out of it... if i shoot someone regularly and later apologize and be all sweet, does that make me a good person?