Is it OK for me (a single mom) to have an explicitly purely sexual relationship with a guy?

Question

I'm a 44 year old single mom. I'm super busy and don't have time for a real relationship right now (nor do I want one). However, sometimes I just want some hot sex. I've ignored this desire for a while, but recently I started a "friends with benefits" relationship with a guy in my apartment complex. There was always sexual tension between us, but (for reasons I explained) I never pursued anything. However, a couple of weekends ago (when my kids were with their dad) we broke the tension and had sex. This last weekend (when my kids were with their dad again) we had sex 2 more times.
Even if I didn't have higher priorities right now I wouldn't be interested in a real relationship with this guy. He's 23 years old and I have no desire to be in a real relationship with someone that age. However, I am loving the sex. His sexual stamina is amazing and he goes above and beyond the call of duty to please me sexually. I get a huge ego boost someone that young/sexy would be so physically/sexually attracted/interested in me. I also am extremely physically/sexually attracted to him (but not emotionally)
However, there is another part of me that wonders if this is a good idea. I've told him directly I only want sex. He acted happy about that, but there is a bit of me that's worried feelings could potentially creep in for him. I'm also worried if it could potentially negatively affect my kids if they knew about me having a purely sexual relationship ( I have made sure to keep it hidden from them thus far). Although I don't want a real relationship now I am concerned this could be a problem if I change my mind later. I also feel a little dirty for wanting a purely sexual relationship and from wanting it with a much younger guy.
There's a huge part of me that wants to keep this up for a while because I am enjoying it a ton, but part of me wonders if it's a good idea. Is it a bad idea for me (a single mom) to have an explicitly purely sexual relationship with a guy? Or is it OK?

nightdrot · Accepted Answer

There is nothing wrong with it at all. So long as you are not neglecting your children nor exposing them to things that are not age appropriate, so to speak, it is perfectly fine to want to indulge your natural sexual instincts.

To be fair, you have identified the potential problems. Once you are having sex there is no way to account for how the feelings and emotions might turn. That not only goes for him as a young man, but for you as a woman. Indeed, in purely evolutionary terms, you are more likely to begin to conflate love and sex than he is.

That said, it is not even clear why if feelings changes that would be bad. At the moment, as a single mom, the idea of a relationship is unappealing. However, as the old aphorism goes, if things were different, they would be different. So it might be for later and the best you can do is accept that possibility.

There is also the risk of an unintended pregnancy. Though at your age that will start to get less likely. Still, you need to think about if you would want to carry a baby for this man and if he would want a baby.

The main part, again, being that you protect your children. If they are happy, well fed, and not being exposed to anything inappropriate or dangerous, the odds are that - even if they do not know the reasons for it - they will just be happy seeing that their mother is happy. (Indeed, in that sense, it may even make you, at the margins, a better mother.)

The age of your children is a factor, of course. However, depending on their age and the way you want to raise them, they need not know ever that you are in a sexual relationship. If they are teens it may be something you wish to share with them - but even then there is no reason, even at their ages, why that should be their business.

Beyond that, having a young man around the house who can be their friend and whom they like could be a net benefit. Particularly for younger children, having a reassuring man in the home - and to be sure, this is not always the case and the particulars VERY much matter - can be calming and a good thing.

There is no way, without knowing the particulars in far greater detail than you have provided, to give a case specific answer to your question. The best that can be said is that you seem to have thought it through and should continue to do so. Beyond that, assuming that you are prepared to deal with the contingencies and have been honest with the young man about what you expect and need and are ready to give him what he wants and needs, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a purely sexual relationship - even as a single mom.

It is healthy, instinctive and natural. While that does not automatically equal a good thing, so long as you have given the possibilities due consideration, it is perfectly "OK."

mrdimples78 · Accepted Answer

All right anonymous I tend to stray from the typical cancers that men May give... Put more thought into even the most eloquent women's response.. now.. first and foremost it is none of anyone's business your children your friends grandparents your neighbors anyone's repeat anyone's business what you are doing but you must must keep in mind is that typically in relationships like this one or both parties developed feelings now typically I should say more often than not it is the woman who develops feelings but this is not always the case so you need to remember in addition to communicating to him not just once in the beginning but repeatedly that you only want sex , are only available for sex, and just as important do not treat him or act like he was your boyfriend not taking around your kids can I go shopping together keep the cuddling to a minimum keep the affection to a minimum do you understand where I'm going with this these are all things that you're doing a relationship which is what you are not and you were specifically are not in this type of relationship so you need to remind you and him both love your purely physical relationship people will often times agree to something in the beginning and then at some point sort of change their minds and serve expect that their partners will know that they've changed their minds and what they've changed their minds to... Now ask him questions like this you will often do you always get quack responses.. I think it was someone there Jamie rph or someone down said something to the effect of you're not giving a good example to your daughters or sons that it's okay to quote on quote use women see what that person fails to understand is that one two consenting adults get together for sex they can do so specifically and only for that sex and it doesn't mean that if they don't develop a relationship out of it that someone was getting used people like that person always want to flip things around and make it sound like two people cannot have sex without one of the parties being used in this is simply archaic and untrue... This is the twenty-first century not 1950... p I have to point out please please please remember do not treat this person in any way shape or form like your significant other it is natural human nature to develop feelings for someone the more that we have sex with them... And that is attributed to the hormone oxytocin also known as the cuddle hormone now women manufacture more oxytocin than men do it doesn't mean they always have to be the ones to get emotionally attached... I'm available if you'd like to talk further...

MsLexiD · Accepted Answer

I've been in your shoes, at just about the same age, my 2 girls were still living with me, and so I think I totally get where you're coming from.

Everyone is different - but I can offer to you that I had 3 different 'sex only' relationships over about 5 years as a single mom, and all of them were fantastic. To this day no hard feelings with any of them. As long as everyone involved knows it's purely physical, and you're getting off on it - then bang your brains out babe :-)

DeeDeeDeVour · Accepted Answer

MILFs are still very much a thing with young men. There's a broad contrast because of the big age spread but that just might be the best kind of friends with benefits. Just make sure you both straighten out the rules to avoid emotional attachment or deeper bonding.

MrOracle · Answer

in my opinion, there's nothing wrong with getting your sexual needs met. You've been honest with the guy about what you want up-front, and it seems that he's on board, so, really, the only big issue is whether you can continue to have sex with him and not develop romantic feelings. For most women, that's a big challenge, because women are generally much more susceptible to bonding when having sex then men (though some men have the same problem). If you can manage that issue, and keep this separate from your kids, then in my opinion, there's no problem.

ScottStevens · Answer

You are probably in a good position right now. Nothing wrong with wanting satisfying sex, so what if the partner is a young man 20 some years younger. You have also made some really good decision regarding this.

First, you are right to keep this a personal thing from other friends and family. You do not have any emotional investment right now. You turn each other on and that is what you are looking for and he seems to enjoy it also.

Second, from what you are saying you go their have incredible sex and return back to your apartment for the night. That is also a good decision in order to keep those unwanted feeling from developing.

At some point your feelings about wanting a relationship are going to change. This relationship is not going to be the one to fill that need when you are ready. Keeping it light and focused purely on sex means no dating! Let lose of any sexual inhibitions you may have and enjoy the moment, it will not last forever. When you start to figure out that a real long lasting loving commitment is what you are after, you will be interested in the sex with that person. But you will be more interested in the connection that can be made and how capable the two of your are. The conversations will be about your future aspirations and goals. About your Children and how they are growing up before your eyes. About how both of you are enjoying the changing life that aging together brings to your life.

Nothing wrong with a little fun until you find there is more to share and finding that special person to share it with!

AustinMan · Answer

You're right. There are some risks but if you keep him reminded that if he gets feelings for you, it will likely be over because of your current situation but that if he can keep it light for now, things might, emphasize might, change in the future.

How about that?

Love2Jackit · Answer

I would say do what makes u happy. Especially being a good mother. That's number are ur children. I say as long as u are doing what u are suppose 2. Meaning raising ur children right. Then u deserve some sexual attention release. Cause if don't get some me time. Then over time it could drive u crazy. I say go for it. Hope u have all the orgasmic fun u desire.

baconninjadc · Answer

It's perfectly fine. I actually went through a single mom phase and it seems like a lot of them were in the same boat super busy not really looking for anything serious but definitely wanted to get to know their partner.

Lliam · Answer

I am happy for you. You're too young to grow cobwebs. Enjoy the hell out of this casual relationship.

TacocaT6969 · Answer

You’re an adult. You can do what you want regardless of outside opinions.  Basing your decisions on what makes others happy rather than what makes you happy is a recipe for misery.

hellionthesagereborn · Answer

Eh, I don't think you need to worry about him developing feelings (its usually women who do (men can disassociate sex from feelings pretty well (not all of course, but in general)).

As for the kids, well, is it something you would want your own children to partake in when they get older? I mean if your son is 23 years old and you find out he has a purely sexual relationship with some one with no feelings what so ever for them (with some one his own age or some one nearly twice his age), would you be okay with that? Same goes if you have a daughter.

I mean obviously yeah, you have needs but how you deal with them is the important part and some times we don't do it in a way that is healthy or good (I'm hungry, doesn't mean I gorge on unhealthy food, but it also doesn't mean eating an unhealthy snack is bad either, its all about how we go about it and what degree.).

So children will emulate their parents, is this behavior you think is okay for them (obviously when they are at an appropriate age)? If so, then continue doing what your doing, if not however, then it might be wise to stop and find some one more fitting, find some one for a real relationship so that your children have that as their goal instead of the casual sex. I mean again, sex is great, but by your own admission that is all this is, so what that communicates (if your children ever find out) is that sex trumps love. Again, if your fine with that message (and again, this isn't a judgment just saying how this will probably play out if they find out as children do emulate their parents (which is why I tell guys the same thing, if you have daughter, she will find a man just like you so make sure your a man that you want your daughter to be with. I imagine that the reverse is probably much the same.) then fine but if not then it might be wise to stop (or hide it I suppose but hiding things never seems to end well in my opinion).

Anoniemus · Answer

Yes, it's fine. There is nothing wrong with that. I just wouldn't let him around your child.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

When the novelty of frequent, hot sex with a younger person begins to recede, you will probably get bored and lose interest.

mooky06 · Answer

Your a single mum. Do whatever you want. Just keep the kids out of it and you’ll be fine. Be honest and open about what you want with this guy. Give him a heads up so he knows what’s on the table.. and then what’s not lol

Red_Arrow · Answer

You are entitled to enjoy a sexual life. Him being so young is not dirty, but is just an added bonus for you as his stamina can please you! And believe me, he is just as thrilled to be with someone like you! Continue to keep your sexual relationships (with anyone) private. Best wishes to you!

sillyfairy474 · Answer

I mean if the kids don’t know and everyone is on the same page, then I don't know what harm it could do... as long as everyone’s been checked for STD’s.

lightbulb27 · Answer

you want our approval? Obviously you are questioning this which means you have self awareness and some shame brewing?

The risk would be this being exposed, video bribery, illegitimate offspring, ruined reputation, sexual disease, family stress. The plus side is having your needs met and spoiling a 23yr old rotten. He sure knows how to turn on the switch... thus... think you are the only one in his lineup?

Everyone wants to feel good and you have a right to that... it is humanity... I won't judge. you are an adult, you can make the choice, take the rewards, and accept any consequences.

SarahsSummer · Answer

You are correct in your concerns. He WILL gain feelings for you and you do need to keep this away from your kids lives. Proceed with caution.

wagsingle · Answer

If the sex is great and he's willing to be discrete, go for it. He can serve to fill in until you're in a position to purse a relationship. Just keep in mind that for him, the novelty if a MILF or cougar could wear off pretty quickly. So you might want to get it while you can. I've had a purely sexual thing of great age difference before. I have a hard rule that they must be a legal adult, and don't appear to be emotionally troubled and using me to fill some daddy roll.

G3tAClue · Answer

Hmmm the only thing I hesitate about is that you guys live in the same apartment complex and if it doesn’t end well, you two can avoid each other.  Otherwise, tear it up.

KellyKatz510 · Answer

When I was a single mom I had many purely sexual relationships. However, none of them ever met my kids.

AndyOh · Answer

It is a Good idea for you to have a purely sexual relationship with this younger guy. Go for it. Have fun. I bet your tension level has dropped immensely. And you probably have a skip in your step every Monday at work.
I also think you are over thinking what might happen. You seem to be smart enough to handle the possible problems, be it emotional involvement or other issues. Keep a line drawn, and make sure you both are on the same page with it.
The only other issues I see are if you or him finds someone else. And what about the holidays? It would be nice to have a Birthday fling or holiday happy time when in fact, you might be with the kids. Just things to think about.
Otherwise, go for it, have fun, don't worry, and enjoy while you can. Years from now you will be glad you did. :)

Adam1978 · Answer

Aslong as you both are on the same page there is nothing wrong with sex only relationships. But see it as temporary arrangement that may change at any moment by either party when life circumstances change.

Is it OK for me (a single mom) to have an explicitly purely sexual relationship with a guy?

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