My boyfriend told me he had spanked and used hair pulling during sex with his ex. Is he a misogynistic jerk?

I'm very disappointed. I didn't see him that way. He tries to find excuses and all but I'm not really convinced... I don't really like how he justifies what he did.
Updates:
+1 y
I said I wanted some space to think about it. Thank you everybody for not giving many interesting points of view (besides some of course).
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Superb Opinion

  • The two girl's Opinions (before this) are strong indications that there is a spectrum of "bedroom violence" (smile).

    Of course from porn the extreme BDSM is the "extreme" end of the spectrum.

    And from your Details I can deduce that you're the other end of the spectrum: Vanilla and "Non Violent".

    And from the word "consent" that is constantly being used in the Opinions, there is a wide spectrum between the two extremes that I just defined above.

    Speaking of myself, I consider myself "vanilla" with a pinch of chocolate. (Smile)

    Yes, with my partner, we have sex in standard positions, and I occasionally spank her naked butt (not hard, just tease her to give her an orgasm).

    But she's the dominant one instead. She actually took a cane and caned me bare butt. And ya, I like it. After that our sex is explosive.

    I'm just saying a bit of my sex life. Is that too much for you? Well, these are the differences that you should recognize among couples.

    And I think your boyfriend is very brave to tell you his bedroom kink. And (no offence) I think you should respect his kink instead of criticising it.

    • I respect it to some extent but I won't be part of it.

    • And that's good enough. Respect is a GREAT thing in the bedroom. The next is BOUNDARIES. And you have all the rights to set it before entering.

    • It bothers me that is ok to hit women and be violent like that. It's a red flag to me.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Your question ends with 'is he a misogynistic jerk?' but you vehemently insist that he is in your replies, this is a red flag to me. Sorry but as a feminist you need to know women, and many women like things getting intense but within bounds and usually they will say it. Your question to your dude should have been if his ex was into that sort of thing. In with many people replying negatively to your question, its clear that spanking and non violent hair pulling is liked by many girls. Even i encountered women who literally asked me to do that. Hell, i have even seen women post on their instagram stuff like having sex in a bathtub while getting their hair pulled and smoking weed. Sex is often animalistic as the body needs a third stimulation apart from the visual/ touch and cohit sensations to reach orgasm and that is line with the brain. because as experience goes by, you get used to seeing naked people and touching naked people so you need a third stimulant that is related to your own body. It can go from imagining stuff, dominance to slight pain. To be honest i haven't had the chance yet to ask a girl what they liked about it, i am myself not a fan of it and no i am not vanilla. But my guess is many women like men who know what they want.. it must be part of some intricate biological selection process.

    • Cause I think he may be. That’s why I decided to make a break.

Most Helpful Girls

  • I can imagine how wrong it might feel if you don't like these kind of stuff. I imagine it is like I felt when I first discovered that I liked them. I felt there was something wrong with me. It was not so popular and accepted back then. But it's part of human (sexual) nature and a sexual preference. It has nothing to do with a person's other aspects in life.
    And I don't think it's created by porn. Porn was created to reflect what people like.
    Some people say that this happens when someone has been abused as a child, but no, that is not the case either. At least I can speak for myself.

    • good answer

    • It’s classified as a paraphilia.

    • Read about the bdsm psychology to understand more about it. It’s mostly about the psychological then the physical

  • I don't think spanking and hair pulling are guaranteed indicators of hatred for women. It could have been personal, like he knew what she liked, or he may have personally hated her, and it has nothing to do with women in general. Maybe he likes dominating and/or causing pain. Maybe the hair pulling and slapping helped relieve her during some serious pounding, so it was distracting and soothing.

    A better indicator for misogyny is how he treats you, and what he expects from you in terms of chores, work, child rearing, and voicing your opinion.

    • I think enjoying to hit women is a red flag…

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • The word is consent. If she was ok with it than no its totally ok. Its not for everyone but some people like it. Doing as well as receiving.

    • Consent isn't everything

    • Yeah but the important step one. Likes of the two partners are the rest.

  • It’s just a different kind of sex lol. Rough sex. You may be more vanilla and there’s nothing wrong with that, but do you really wanna view your boyfriend as a “misogynistic jerk” because of that?

    • I don't "want to". But if he is then... I'll just have to admit it.

    • You’re dating him, I’m sure you would’ve noticed if he was a misogynistic jerk outside of the bedroom by now.

    • We haven't been dating for long so... No

  • In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing that justifies treating a woman this way during sex. Call me vanilla as an insult but I’ll gladly accept this because at least I can live with myself knowing I will never treat a woman this way during sex. Sex is an expression of love and adoration toward the opposite sex. It should be done naturally, respectfully and lovingly. She should feel safe, warm, comfortable, and like the queen of the bed that she is. Not a doormat and object.

    • I agree 🙂

    • Thank you. Yeah, I say, expect respect from him. Anything less and he is not worth it.

    • I don't understand why people disliked this. This is so obvious. People don't like to be told the truth.

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  • I would not say he is a jerk. Some women/men are really into that DOM stuff. But if its not what you are into then I totally support you in saying that you need to get out of that relationship and wish you the very best in finding the right person for you.

    • Well thank you 👍🏻

  • He just expects you to go along with it so he can do it to you too.

    • That’s sort of what I think.

  • It's what they liked doing. Why do you care? He honestly sounds like my kind of guy lol

    • All right then. I’ll tell him about you and see if he’s interested lol.

  • It's both misogynistic and racist. 🤣🤣🤣 Doesn't the "woke" crowd think everything is, these days.

    Misogyny is dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.

    Male dominance during sex doesn't translate into dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women. It's not disrespectful to engage in grasping, pinning, positioning, lifting, rough pounding and drilling, or even hair pulling or ass slapping, when it's consensual. Some women love that. It's just sex.

    A man can honor and respect women and still like energetic sex.

    • Not energetic, violent

    • I had a girlfriend once who wanted me to spank her hard enough to leave marks on her ass. She only came if I was rough with her. She liked me to spit in her face and fuck her so hard I would be panting and nearly passing out and she would be whispering: "don't get tired". I had another girlfriend who wanted to be tied up or held down and another who wanted to be slapped in the face, spit on and choked. The list goes on.

    • @notwoke So you’re attracted to crazy lol.

  • They also like some choking, tied up, even pushed against wall in a way oh god so many things that girls like.
    You sound like not my type, too quick to jump to judgment, not open minded at all to try new things and in long run just plain and boring sex in bed.
    Come on, then you come here and put guy down as if its him that is not good, when it might ne opposite.

    • Not into violent men. You’re free to leave by the way.

    • Girl you have some personal issues that you project on others. Im not a doctor i can't help you.

    • I don’t lol

  • Nope, that's a big stretch you're making there. I know people who are completely different in the bedroom than they are in public. Just because that's what his ex was into doesn't mean anything in regards to him.

    • They aren't They just hide that part of themselves

  • What? So if she consents to it, he's still a misogynistic jerk? Maybe you're the one with the problem, not him. If you don't want that to be done to you, wonderful. All power to you. However, the minute you start calling people names for what they did before they met you to someone who was totally OK with it is when you lose me. Seems like you have a lot to work on.

  • Hi there,
    You shouldn’t be disappointed in your guy. Lots of great guys find it very hot to be assertive and a little rough during sex with a gal. It doesn’t make them bad guys, it just means that they find it arousing to be assertive or dominant during sex, that’s all. Has he been assertive with you that way when you are having sex? If so, did you not like it?

    • We never had sex and I guess we never will lol.

  • Ugh, why are women into this shit?

    • I guess it comes from the fear of being rape. Most women are extremely scared of this. I remember one night I was out with some friends. She didn’t want us to go back home at night cause she thought we would be raped. I don’t have such an irrational fear. I think that’s why I’m not into that shit. But maybe women have been through a lot of shit in their life. That’s a form of catharsis…

  • Misogynistic jerk? no he acted like a great supporter of feminism. :)

    • Not at all. I am a feminist. Those sex positive wannabe feminists are just damaged women who want to make us accept her craziness as being woman empowering lol

    • Not all sex positive feminists are into BDSM, but yea BDSM is quite crazy.

    • They are ok with porn Pretty much the same shit

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  • He doesn't have anything to justify. Him acting like he does is his only mistake here.

    No he's not misogynistic

  • I spit in the throat of someone who calls me the nicest person they have ever known.
    Consensual bedroom behavior has no real implications outside of that specific setting.

    • I disagree Some person have a twisted mind..

  • You’re very vanilla in bed huh

    • I like to be respected. I guess you don’t.

    • Hair pulling and getting your ass smacked doesn’t mean you’re being disrespected weird ass. If you’re both consenting it’s perfectly fine.

    • You enjoy to be treated like a child and abused. Whatever suits your insulting self lol.

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  • No because lots of women like it too and maybe his ex did as well. A bit of hair pullibg and spanking doesn't make someone a misogynist. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean he's a misogynist, it just means your judgmental, just tell him its not your thing.

    • Violence against women Misogyny

    • It isn't violence though is play, its not my thing but it doesn't make someone violent because of a bit of consensual rough sex.

    • Spanking and hair pulling is aggression

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  • Most likely not. Huge majority of people who are into BDSM are not misanthropists.
    Trust me, people are quite different in bed than in real life.

    • It doesn't add up to be honest.

    • People are animals in bed.

    • People are brainwashed by porn.

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  • Okay let's play that game. Girls that are submissive in bed can't make their own decisions in the real world and see men as superior to themselves in every way 🤡

    • Personality doesn't change much with time.

  • Some people are what's known as a masochist, it means they're someone who finds it pleasurable when feeling pain to an extent. It's not a super crazy thing or even uncommon, if you're not into it just tell him and if he can't get over that then that's on him. Try not to kink shame him though because that won't help either of you it's just plain mean, I'd be willing to bet he's not a bad person he just had a previous partner who was into it and it turned him on.

    • It’s called: « paraphilia » lol

    • Actually that'd be someone with abnormal sexual desires, masochism isn't uncommon in the bedroom in fact it's something that'd be considered very common seeing as it tends to come from our more primal side of our DNA. Sharing pain with someone is one of the closest things you can do with another person so wether it be physical or emotional so incorporating that into your sex life is something many consider more passionate. As long as both sides are okay with it there's nothing out of the abnormal in that.

    • Masochism is a paraphilia lol. It’s in the DSM-5.

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