Why doesn't my boyfriend react to me wearing lingerie?

[Dumbhunnybun]

Gonna try and be as to the point as possible. I've worn lingerie 3 times in our over 1 and a half year relationship. 1st time, little to no reaction. 2nd time, reaction achieved. Made me feel very sexy and was looking forward to said feeling next time. 3rd time was tonight and got no reaction until I asked if he liked it to which he responsed with "Yeah I like it". Didn't touch me really or say anything otherwise. When he saw me he walked past and behind me to the bed layed down and yawned.

I thought he might be tired so asked if he would rather wait for another night to which he replied no. I felt good until his cues and vibes started making me feel self conscious tbh. It was all short and brief like he just wanted to get it over with. I couldn't help but cry after. I struggle with body dysmorphic disorder and building myself to where I feel okay enough to wear sexy stuff takes a lot.

I've told him in the past after the 1st time that some form of verbal approval is appreciated or even just touching me besides turning me around. After this 3rd, I was honestly pretty crushed. I told him how his lack of reaction made me feel and he said he was nervous when he saw me in it because he knew his performance was going to be poor as he was tired (he had done nothing all day and napped so I was unaware of this).

I'm just at a loss. I feel like he's so unattracted to me at times like these. This isn't the first time it's happened either otherwise I could let it go. But I'm at the point I don't want to try wearing anything sexy anymore. It's not worth feeling the way I do after at this point. Any advice is appreciated.

[NyceGuyFinishingLast]

Well, there were a couple of things I spotted in your message.

First being that guys do not understand that when women wear lingerie, it isn't just for the man's benefit. It is because the woman feels sexy wearing it and wants their mate to acknowledge how sexy they look to solidify that sexy feeling. A lot of women have a body image problem and even when their is nothing wrong with their body they still feel that way. Men don't understand that this is how women try to conquer their issues with their body.

Second for some men lingerie is a waste because they aren't big on the build up in intimacy and they just want to get down to business. It is like getting a gift that someone put a lot of time in wrapping and making look awesome but the recipient will just tear through all the wrapping or rip through the bag to get to the prize. Some men see expensive outfits that only stay on for about 60 seconds. That is no fault to the women but more if an inconsiderate man.

You said he made a comment about him stating that he was worried about his performance. You have to be completely honest about this and you don't need to answer but are you completely satisfied with sex with your boyfriend? If the performance issue is there then yeah he could feel like you dressing sexy is forcing him to have sex. I am not saying that is what you are doing but there is a serious break down in communication at this point. You have voiced your concerns and hurt and he has vaguely responded. So either he is dealing with perfomance issues or he is a dick and doesn't care about your feelings. You need to pay attention outside the bedroom for that one.

I know perfomance issues will bring a man down because I once was in a relationship where she had never really achieved orgasm from any kind of sex. That really presented a huge problem for me because I only am pleased if I have satisfied my partner which I finish or not. It made getting aroused with her difficult because it was like running a race that had no finish line. She reassured me that the act of sex and pleasing me was good enough for her. She was eager to please me in every way but it was that not being able to achieve orgasm that bothered me. So if there is a perfomance issue with him that will need to be handled before you will get the reaction you want out if him.

[connythebaker]

Excellent post! Could not agree more!

[MrOracle]

I can't pretend to know what's going on in his head - only HE can tell you - but from MY point of view, I don't find most lingerie particularly exciting. I'm more aroused by the "girl next door" look, so I find her sexier when she's not overtly trying to be sexy. Maybe she's just wearing panties and one of my T-shirts, or a tight thin tank top or something, and I can see her natural curves and jiggles. For me, that's WAY hotter than lacy lingerie, and he may have similar tastes (again, there's no way I could know for sure).

You gotta keep in mind that lingerie isn't the prize - YOU are. If he didn't react to the lingerie, that doesn't mean he wouldn't react to YOU. It also seems like he's not really a spontaneous kind of guy - he likes to be prepared - so knowing that, surprising him with lingerie or even just sex is a gamble that's not going to pay off reliably. If you'd told him "tonight, I want to have some special alone-time with you" earlier in the morning, and given him time to prepare for that, you might well have gotten the reaction that you hoped for.

A lot of this is simply about learning who your partner is and what works for him, and then using that to your advantage, rather than working against it to your disadvantage - and that may be exactly what's happening here.

[Vero4567]

Dealing with body dysmorphia disorder sounds tough, I understand its even more hurtful when your partner doesn't appreciate you doing something special for him and that's a pretty cold response he gave.

Also for how long are you in a relationship with him? Are you aware of his sexuality? Because I feel that his performance anxiety reason sounds like an excuse. There could be many possibilities, maybe he is cheating on you. How was your sex life with him initially? Was it like a sudden decline of attraction?

If he keeping crushing yourself self esteem it's no good for you and its your call to decide.

[EmmaMary]

Might I ask how your sex life is in general, is he normally very responsive or much the same as you've described?

[Dumbhunnybun]

Sex life has been pretty normal considering his job and our schedules including the monthly. TMI? First time we had sex in a week was last night and tonight would be the second. His behaviour towards me otherwise hasn't changed. Still was grabbing my butt and being playful in similar ways. So would say differently than described.

[EmmaMary]

Obviously I'm well aware of the "monthly" as you put it. lol Going by what you're now saying, it would seem almost apparent that the guys comments are striking true when they say that your boyfriend possibly has no, or very little interest in lingerie in general, and not simply because you're wearing it. Have you actually approached and asked him about this?

[Dumbhunnybun]

Sorry lol I'm beginning to think that as well. I have asked him point blank what he likes and doesn't. His response was given the best he could with his knowledge of lingerie. I've tried staying away from what dislikes he gave but I'm guessing that this type of lingerie he just possibly wasn't aware he didn't like that much until seeing it on me or didn't know how to describe to me that he didn't like that specific type. Occasion 1 and 3 (this most recent) lingerie were very similar in type. Occasion 2 was completely different and he verbally and physically made it clear he liked it.

[EmmaMary]

In that case perhaps you should consider purchasing more of the style of lingerie you wore on occasion 2. Better still, why not ask him to come with you the next time you go lingerie/underwear shopping, so that he might suggest certain items he likes.

[EmmaMary]

Thank you for the MHGirl.

[socksguy]

Are there other things (behaviors) that make you feel less desirable or is it only the lingerie? Do you feel attactive otherwise with him? Do you see yourself as attractive when you look in the mirror?

The performance comment has me worried...

[Dumbhunnybun]

Only the lingerie tbh despite just generally feeling insecure after the mood was set and apparent. I do usually feel attractive to him. He his generally not good with compliments but tries to call me beautiful and sexy. Grabs and smacks my butt other playful things. I did see myself as attractive when I looked in the mirror which was why I was so confused. Despite the disorder I felt sexy lol Why does that comment have you worried?

[Berethor]

Well he sure seems to like your butt, and it's more important than if he likes your lingerie. :)

[jadspop]

Well all I can tell you is my pen experience... Different guys like different things... I personally love the idea of a girl wearing something sexy... But in all honesty when it gets down to the actually dead it's only a brief moment and not normally what I'm focused on in bed...

I don't know what's in his head... But you said he was napping all day and still tired? Maybe he's going threw something? Like depression... That can HIGHLY effect a person's sex drive... And IF that's the case then that could explain y he didn't seem that interested in sex of he was doing it more for you then to enjoy it...

I'd recommend setting up a date around his interests. Get him out and enjoying himself to try and break him out of his mood... Make it a thing for both of you... Maybe going at some fun later but don't tell him about what your wearing... Then later when you strip for him or walk out in it hell be more in gaged in the evening...

It might not work but it's just an idea...

The other thing I'm kinda picking up on... Is that you don't feel comfortable with your own body in it... I know how amazing it feels to know your partner is attached to you... But you also need to love yourself... At least a little...

Maybe try wearing it under your clothes just for you to feel sexy for yourself and not just for him... That way when ever you do wear it for him... If he dosent respond again you'll have not confidence to stand on your own and enjoy wearing it for yourself and not just for him...

Just a few ideas to think about... I'm not an expert and my examples might not even be the real cause... It might just be as simple as he's not the one for you... But we're going to cross our fingers and hope it's just a round patch and you too were ment to be

[LesterJester]

Sorry to say, but all those advertisements, women's magazines, movies, shows and marketing all like to make it seem like all us guys love lingerie, garter belts and such.

But we don't. Some guys do, sure, but not all do.

I don't care for fancy outfits / lingerie. For me, they do nothing to improve upon what's already there and usually just an extra awkward thing to remove that covers up the good stuff.

But when a girl does wear this stuff, you kind of feel obligated to show more interest than normal since they put the effort into buying and wearing it.

Oddly enough, just some regular clothes and no underwear is sexy enough for me. Or nothing at all.

Perhaps he is similar.

Maybe it's because the lingerie gives off the impression that this night is supposed to be more special than normal, which puts pressure on the guy, thinking they need to somehow perform better than any other time. They then feel that they can't meet this expectation that was never spoken and sabotages things.

They then screw everything up and you end up feeling unattractive, which wasn't their intention. Lingerie simply doesn't do anything for him. He doesn't want you to feel like crap, but he also doesn't want to put on an act and fake it, because that's dishonest and he'll have to put on the act every time you bring it out.

For me at least, lingerie doesn't make a woman anymore attractive than they already are. It's just fabric.

I'm also not into fashion and never was, which is probably why it's just fabric to me. If he's not a very fashionable person to begin with, chances are, he's the same as I.

[LesterJester]

It's the skin on skin contact for me. I don't like a layer of fabric or laytex interfering with my tactile senses. Which is why my wife and past partners were on birth control, since condoms, though have an important purpose, simply suck to use during sex. If there was a BC I could use reliably, I would. Clothing being on while having sex is only good when you need to be sneaky, but doesn't beat all out nakedness. My wife is also self conscious, but as I told her, we usually have the lights off during sex as a force of habit, so even if there was some sort of imperfection to worry about with either of us, neither of us are going to see much of it anyways. It's all about feel, sound, sensations. Even with the lights on or during the day, what do you normally see during sex? Each other's face, or your back, or your face over your boobs as he looks up, etc... Or each other's genitals. He's been with you this long. If something about your body really bothered him that much to the point where you feel so shitty about yourself, then with your frame of mind, and with that logic, he would have left you for someone better long ago. But he didn't. So you ask yourself, why is he still with you? Over and over again. You don't think your body is good enough compared to all the other perfect girls out there... Am I right? If so, then know that no single girl (or guy for that matter) is perfect. We all have our flaws and things that bother us, that others truly don't care as much about. I'm a graphic designer and photo editor/retoucher/restorer. All those pretty famous people and girls on Instagram have just as many flaws, that a bit of lighting, makeup and patch/clone tools or filter can get rid of in a flash. He clearly likes you for who you are.

[Dumbhunnybun]

Thank you for taking the time to say this. You are 100% right about me questioning things and especially myself. Also right that it would have made sense he left a long time ago if that were the case. This helped a lot, thank you again!

[LesterJester]

Not a problem at all. 👍

[Katie1964]

Hubby doesn't care for lingerie. He says I have the sexiest outfit with all that stuff. He prefers me just to be completely nude.

[MrHopper]

Could be the type of lingerie. Naked women dont do it for me, but women in lingerie do.. and has to be stuff i really like, ask him what he wants you to wear?

[Dumbhunnybun]

Fr I have. I know he likes bodysuits so I'm leaning towards maybe he just doesn't like the type it is as 1 and 3 were similar. I've even asked him to buy me something he'd want me to wear with no luck.

[MrHopper]

hmm... it could be the type.. like Lace stuff for me has to be on point.. but say shiny type stuff is pretty much fair game. Maybe try giving him a massage and see where it goes, these sorts of things tends to help ease people.. maybe some drink too!

[On_the_other_hand]

I agree if it doesn't work naturally then don't bother wearing it... for him. I'm not a big lingerie guy. I really like a girl's naked body sooooo much. I also love a simple royal blue slip... toooo sexy.

Find out what turns him on. It could be something different that is very powerful.

[JackSmy]

I like what she feels most comfortable in! SERIOUSLY!! I HATE THAT LACY, TINY SHIT!!!
She comes to bed, in her pink shorts, and a camisole, that she likes to sleep in, feeling comfortable in the summer, and I LOVE THAT!! She is comfortable, and so much more open, and when I tease her, she is loving just cuddling play, and touching, teasing, and not always sex! Why? Sometimes it's just about being together, and loving the closeness, and touch, and I say I don't "Expect Sex" when we are together, it seems like it changes her perception, and we just relax and don't have expectations!!
In winter, maybe she likes long flannel things, with cute flower prints, or Cuddl Duds things, that show off her curves, and the same applies!! We just cuddle, with no expectations, and sometimes she really wants it, and it is so much better!!
I can't speak to his issues, and why, so you have to confront him, and kind of say WTF!!!
Women are EQUALS, and you have EVERY RIGHT to say you aren't happy with the relationship!! If he won't talk about it, there are literally MILLIONS of other guys that would probably just love to curl your toes with joy!! :) :)

[Dumbhunnybun]

This was such a wholesome opinion ❤

[JackSmy]

@dumbhunnybun Did what I said, help you? That is what I care about, most!

[theharshtruth]

have not heard this one before, i'm stumped, i would give u a great reaction 😏

[Berethor]

He might be indifferent about lingerie, he don't seems to be a huge fan of lingerie but it didn't mean that have a problem with you wearing a lingerie, actually it's not uncommon for guys to not care much about lingerie, especially if he is close to your age, lingerie seems to be more popular among older couples, how many girls in their 27's that wear lingerie do you know? you likely look good enough to not need a accessories. Your boyfriend had already saw you fully naked, didn't he? so technically at that point for him to see you in lingerie is seeing less, not seeing more, yes it seeing more in comparison to a girl's normal clothes, but it's less in comparison to girl being fully naked, it's like a girl who spend money on a fancy bra, while her boyfriend would rather see her without a bra.

You say that you wear a lingerie to feel more sexy, but didn't you also wear it because of your body dysmorphic disorder? because you are insecure about full nudity? if your boyfriend don't attracted to lingerie don't means that he is not attracted to you, a lingerie is a piece of clothes in the end of the day, and most guys are fully aware of that, when a guy is attracted to a girl in bikini, you think that he is attracted to the bikini itself or to the fact that it allows him to see more of a girl's skin? actually if a guy is truly attracted to a lingerie itself then it's a fetish. Taking into a count how much emphasis guys usually put on a girl's looks, if your boyfriend didn't find you physically attractive then he was likely not dating you for a over one and a half year, so the fact that he is boyfriend is likely a proof in itself that he find you physically attractive, even if he is not verbal about that. :)

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MenAreStrongWomenArePretty

[Dumbhunnybun]

Thank you! I think it was the lingerie too 😅 No more lacy stuff for sure. Just gonna stick to what I know for sure he likes.

[Berethor]

Glad to help, yea if it ain't broke don't fix it, wear the lingerie that your guy seem to like more. :)

[jshm2]

I'll be honest, I'm not that into girls wearing lingerie to "look sexy" either.

But it seems the problem with your guy is something more personal. Perhaps he has erectile issues or confidence issues. The way you've written it, it seems you couldn't have done any more than write out your sexual motivations for him to see, and he didn't catch on.

Maybe speak to him about it, gently, of course.

[Dumbhunnybun]

It could be that as well. In which case, he would have been honest when saying he was nervous about his performance when seeing me. He does lack confidence overall and is self conscious frequently about how he performs and his size despite him being more than average. After telling him how I was feeling his response was "Sorry I suck" and "sorry I don't have a hamburger roll" referring to a joke comic about a college girl getting her organs rearranged that I shared on facebook. I've just tried to make it clear that his performance isn't ever an issue or why I feel the way I do.

[Berethor]

Well he clearly not a beacon of confidence, and he has his own insecurities that he is dealing with, it's nice to see that you was able over one and a half year despite all those insecurities. :)

tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TwiceShy

[Reaperbot666]

• maybe he has mental, emotional or physical issue going on. could also be stress or anxiety which is impacting his sex drive to some degree.
• also depending on if you live together or not. after a while couples start to have less and less sexual interaction together. depending on when they become bored or feel as though their sex life has become mundane.
• but since you went the extra mile to dress up nice for both of your enjoyment. I am going to say it is most likely the first option.
• might be he watches to much adult content for self pleasure as well.

[kemo56]

Well you might come to try to fill him out before you attempt it I don't know seems like a odd guy... You might explain to him that if he reacts that he will get positive reaction from you if he doesn't it may be weeks before he gets anything from you he probably doesn't realize how he is making you feel it doesn't sound like he's concerned enough to pay attention to you and if you can't fix it then you know you plan on living a long time do you really want to live under those conditions

[RobM89]

Wow any other guy would see you in lingerie and get hard and horny your boyfriend does nothing that seems so wrong

[Coffemmmsoogood]

I wish i could hug you and hold you for a whole you can't look that bad some giys just expect too much😢.

[EyesOfGod]

Well obviously its not his thing. Not all men have the same reactions to everything.

[asshole_]

Some guys don't like it, some guys do

[TotallyAlmost]

My guess: he's not good at giving compliments, he's aware of your dysmorphic issues which makes it harder for him to give a compliment, he jerked off right before your surprised him and he was worried he wouldn't be able to please you.

[Siavash_1990]

He may be gay

[mrgspoter]

He's most likely a loser also sounds like 1 of these who are gay and won't come out they to scared too. Why do you want to be with a boy like this?

[Ryfyle]

Sounds like you need a Psych Doctor. You should be far more worried about his odd sleep issues, sounds like potential medical problems.

[CubaPirate]

WTF is wrong with the guy? I thought all men appreciated a woman wearing hot lingerie. This one definitely does! (Can I have picture please 🤣🤣🤣)

[LesterJester]

I don't like lingerie. Not all guys do. I prefer some regular clothes with no underwear underneath... Or nothing at all. To me, lingerie is just extra fabric covering the good stuff that takes longer to take off. Skin on skin contact is where it's at for me.

[QuietRunner]

maybe he doesn't truly like lingerie

or maybe he is not into you any longer

I don;t care for lingerie besides the daily thong

[Oric5]

Lose weight stop giving him the minimum maybe he will give you more than minimum. The way you described the scene was vanilla and basic. Maybe try to do more than 3 times of " said reaction" or there won't be another 1 and a half years

[Dumbhunnybun]

I've lost 150 lbs already, and currently already work out and eat healthy. I'm an in the green for BMI for my height yet am still trying to tone and lose more fat or gain muscle. Shit takes time definitely no minimum given there 🤷

[Oric5]

Thats a big part but not only part. Maybe he isn't the right guy. Did u gain this weight w him?

[Dumbhunnybun]

Nah I was heavy before him. Was losing weight already when I got with him and then lost the majority with him. Shoot I've never looked better even with the side effects of losing so much weight.

[Oric5]

Does he notice 150 lbs is a lot

[Anonymous]

It’s not hot when we have seen it a million times.

[Anonymous]

@NyceGuyFinishingLast has already written excellent advice. I would only add that you might try to fathom the chances for "deep" sexual experiences before dressing up in your lingerie. If you both had a romantic dinner before (just an example) and you feel emotional connection this might be a good moment to dress up.
In case your boyfriend sees sex as "business as usual" you might want to deprave him a little - sex must not become another household chore!
Also some men just are not very much into lingerie... I must admit I am no exception. I will usually try to make my partner feel sexy and appreciated but I do not know if I could do any more so when she is wearing her sexy lace.

[NyceGuyFinishingLast]

Thanks for the mention.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he is into something different... try leather :p

[Anonymous]

You'd have to ask him directly to know for sure, but maybe it just doesn't do anything for him? It could be as simple as that (or more complicated like problems in the relationship). Or maybe he's simply tired and not in the mood? But lingerie does nothing for me. Naked is sexy to me. I've often thought lingerie is for women "to feel sexy" more than anything else. But some guys love it. But maybe like me, he's not one of them. Talk to him about it. Let him know you don't feel desired.