Virgin Couples

(I'm looking for answers from people that waited until marriage or are currently in a relationship where both them and their partner are virgins, but there's a question for other people too) ^-^ Can someone explain/discuss the dynamics of a virgin couple (both the boyfriend and girlfriend being virgins), Is it difficult to keep your hands off each other until marriage? Any advice you'd like to offer to virgin couples? For you non-virgins, what do you think of virgin couples?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • I married at 24.5, and my wife was 21.5 years old. We were both virgins until the day we got married. I believe that had either or both of us not been virgin prior to marriage it would have been that much more difficult to abstain from sex until marriage, because once you know what it feels like, and you know the right buttons to push, and you have overcome some of the initial tentativeness and natural inhibition that protects you, the drive and facility to make it a sexual relationship would be that much more powerful.

    After we were engaged, and the longer we were engaged the more powerful the sex drive became. I was happy when we finally did get married because for about 2 months before our wedding date thinking about sex became that much more real and it felt like the sexual attraction grew more intense the closer we got. We had to set up rules for ourselves to make sure we made it, and I am glad we did.

    If you are a virgin couple and would like to remain that way until marriage I do have some tips that helped me and my wife. Sit down with your fiancee, or boyfriend and establish some ground rules together.

    1) Recognize your own limitations and the situations in which you feel the strongest temptations, and make plans to avoid those situations. For example, stay out of each others' bedrooms and don't make a regular habit of trying to be secluded from everyone else. You are much more likely to cross the line when you are all alone in a place where it is unlikely that somebody might see you.

    2) Don't do things that stimulate the sex drive even more like simulated sex, touching or rubbing each others' privates, talking dirty and fantasizing together, etc. In general avoid laying down together, especially laying on top of one another.

    3) Don't stay out too late together. The more tired you are the less well your brain functions. Set a curfew for yourselves and stick to it.

    4) Try to keep yourself busy and avoid excessively thinking about or fantasizing about or stimulating your own sex drive when you are by yourself.

    5) While of course you will do things all by yourselves, also try to do a lot of things with groups to reduce the amount of alone time. Also surround yourselves with likeminded people who also value chastity and would be likely to help you keep your standards.

    6) If the attraction becomes to much for you consider one of two things, (A) create some physical distance to reduce the amount of time you are in close contact, and/or (B) move up your wedding date or elope. There is no shame in getting married earlier if you are both already mature, stable, and completely committed to a long-term monogamous relationship.

    7) Seek the advice and involvement of church leaders, parents, or other married couples you respect.

    If I can be of any help, just let me know.

    • That's good advice, and a great answer.

  • Religion aside, I think there are some good benefits to waiting. You both start something new with no baggage so you won't be thinking about how you measure up to past partners. Sex is something you both learn and grow in together.

    No breakup is easy, but there are strong emotional bonds developed through sex that don't will make breakups that much more painful.

    A buddy of mine in college related an experience hooking up with a girl at a party for his first time. He left disappointed because it wasn't anything special, no emotions, just physical. Left him with the impression that sex was overrated. Having waited until marriage myself, sex with my spouse is as fulfilling as I could have imagined and I feel sorry for my friend.

    As for "test driving the car" who ever buys the opened box sealed up with clear tape on the shelf when a shiny new shrink wrapped box is next to it? You can figure out your "compatibility" with a potential marriage partner talking with your clothes on. Honestly, more people get divorced over money and finance differences than they do about sex.

    Is it difficult to keep you hands off? OH YES! Worth it? Sure is.

    Advice to virgin couples:

    - Limit temptation: Try not to get into situations where it is easy to sleep together. Go out in groups instead of alone. Don't take trips and share a hotel room. Make sure your friends, family, and partner know you plan to wait so you have some accountability.

    - If this is the person you are going to marry, don't drag dating/engagement out forever. It just makes temptation harder. Make the call, set the date, and you can wait when you see the finish line of your wedding night approaching.

    • Agree. Who wants his wife to compare him with all her ex-sex-mates, behind his back? Even if she doesn't want to, how can she control it?

Most Helpful Girls

  • I certainly believe that virginity is a beautiful thing, and the only brides who should wear white at a wedding should be virgins as that is what the white represents. That being said, I do not think having sex before you are married is necessarily a bad thing either as once you are married and together for a long time you end up just like any other couple. The honeymoon is over and your love morphs into a deeper level of existance. It is not just about the sex, and sex with your spouse regardless of whether you had sex before or after marriage can still be outstanding and wonderful especially at that deeper level. I do know when I got married and much younger, I did wish at that time I had been a virgin so I could give my husband the best gift of myself and I did have some regret. However, after years have gone by, that never was a factor anymore and there was much more that was meaningful to me than just the physical attributes of our union. So in essence, I think you are coming to that deeper level sooner by not clouding your thoughts with sex and getting to know each other first, which is a good thing. Maybe that is why there is a slightly smaller divorce rate. Also the divorce rate may be smaller because you both proved such willpower and trust and that eliminates that from the relationship equation. I also believe it makes it scarier to have an extramarital affair because that is the only person you were with. That being said, I think in theory it is a wonderful thing, but I do not think pre-marital sex is going to make or break a marriage either. It is so much more than that that keeps it working. One other thought, however, is I would just wonder about people rushing into a marriage just so they can have sex. That may not be a good thing. If you can endure, keep going, but do not cloud your mind in the other direction either in that that is your main goal to marriage so you can appease the sexual tension.

  • I am 25. Two years ago, after deciding not to go thru with my engagement to wed (3.5 year relationship) I went on a "quest" to find the man of my dreams. Long story short...after 2 months of dating until I was sick of hearing the word "date", I threw in the towel. I prayed about it and God answered my prayer the very next afternoon. He led me to consider that HE had a perfect plan for my life, including the PERFECT husband for me.

    I had never really given much thought to chastity prior to that day. But, I knew in my heart that God would be better at selecting my companion than I would be. So, that day, I made a promise to God and to my future husband...I would wait for him.

    That was 2 years ago. I am waiting for him and while it does have it's crummy days...I have never been more content. I have never seen things (relationally) so clearly. I have never been so certain of anything. I know my short sacrifice (going without sex it not desirable for anyone) will lead to a LONG and HAPPY marriage FILLED with HOT SEX...with the man that I love. =)

    I will say this...dating is VERY hard though. Even when 2 people have the same conviction in their heart about waiting for their husband/wife...desire is still there...and it knocks at the door...very loudly. Really, the only remedy is not to be alone in a place where you could "shake the presents"...IE: make sure someone is always in the next room...or be in a public place.

    But...it will be worth it!

    As for virgins...I would assume it's the same thing. But...man! That's AMAZING! I wish that I knew then what I know now. I would have waited for my husband...100%!

  • I used to believe in marriage before sex. I was a little older than most people when I lost mine.

    I lost it to someone I thought I was going to marry. We were dating for years, and the feelings were so strong, I knew in my mind he was the one and only, and he knew in his heart I was the one.

    We were both virgins, but after sex, everything changed. I won't go into detail. But I do want to share my opinion on sex, with a virgin.

    There are people who change after sex.

    Some become addicted to it, or obsessed.

    Some develop a strong curiosity of experiencing it with someone else.

    I have heard many stories of women/men becoming addicted to sex after losing their virginity. After opening that door, they just want to f*** f*** f****. The respect they once had for themselves, and for their partner disappears.

    The urge to experience it with other people become so strong. It's curiosity I guess. And the chances of him/her cheating becomes higher.

    I am just basing it off of stories I've heard. But ofcourse not everyone ends up like that.

    It's not about knowing if your partner is good in bed or not (like the "test drive" comment), it's about knowing the person they will become after their first experience.

    Sex opens up a different person in all of us. And I think it's important to get to know that person as well, before you say "I do".

  • Let me tell you one thing. I am 26yrs old and I also thought I would keep my virginity until the marriage. A couple of years back I fell in love with a great guy and always avoided having sex because we wanted to keep that `after` the marriage. Because of the strong love we ended up having sex after all...but let me tell you that after that, things changed... because the sex was so awfull. Even though my partner was very romantic and even me. You will think now that, with all this love we have/had between us, the sex should be amazing. After having done the `forbidden thing` I started seeing him differently and I still don't know what to do. I did not feel a thing during the sex. Didn't I love him? Yes I did, like crazy, and I still do. But no sparkle.

    And yes I tried sex with someone else and it was very different. I felt great. No further words. I think you should trie but that is up to you. You should know what you are buying. Marriage is supposed to be life-long. If you wait , you can end up with shitty surprises. It can also turn out to be great. Choice is up to you. I respect both, but can be risky sometimes. Best of luck.

  • I agree with one of these posts that says that people can get addicted to sex.

    One of my boyfriend's friends lost her virginity a while ago. She used to be really nice and innocent apparently, but my boyfriend thinks she's changed since sex.

    My boyfriend isn't ready to go "all the way" yet, we've talked about it, and we're gonna wait a little bit.

    But this girl keeps on pressuring him to just jump on me by saying "It's really fun! You'll like it!" and whenever one us stays at eachother's house she always goes "You're staying at hers? Are you gonna finally have sex? MeowGrrrRaaawr! ;)" and it's like.. get a grip? Stop trying to force my boyfriend to lose his virginity when he's not ready.

    Anyway, rant over. =P

    I don't think I'll wait till marriage, but at the moment, sex, in my mind, is overrated.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I think it depends on what your values are and that you are true to yourself. For me, sex is such an important part of a relationship. If you look at the top problems that couples have in their relationship sex is one of the top two along with money. So, if sex is so important in a relationship then why would someone wait to find out if they are sexually compatible until they are married and supposedly going to be life long partners.

    • Maybe most of those problems are due to the fact that they didn't wait? I've read that it's premarital sex that breaks up more couples than any other factor. Premarital sex often fools a person into marrying someone who really isn't right for them, or maybe that person is comparing their wife/husband to someone they had sex with previously and now they have super high standards that their wife/husband can't live up to, as a result they're unhappy. Virgins have no one to compare them to.

    • I actually I think there are more pros than cons when it comes to waiting. It's just that some people don't have enough self control to do so. I don't really look down upon others that choose not to wait, but I love the idea of waiting until marriage. :)

    • I think there is some validity to premarital sex possibly breaking up couples, but I would disagree that it is just because they had sex. First, there is evidence that women who are on the pill have their senses, especially of smell, dulled. The pheromones that would typically indicate to the women that the couple is incompatible are blocked. Then after they have been married and she goes off the pill things fall apart. Second, people who "have to stay married" will work harder at it.

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  • Well first off I don't know about waiting till marriage cause I'm not at that stage yet.

    but both me and my guy are virgins and have been dating for a year and a half, and our living together. we are in love and to be honest not having sex has put a strain on our relationship, but although tough we have made it through. Personally its up to the couple.

    Best of Luck.

  • As a non-virgin, I think it's pretty naive of virgin couples to expect their first time to be magical and explosive. Watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall and you'll see what your first time will really be like; awkward, uncomfortable, and painful if you don't know enough to use lube.

    • I don't think the majority of us that are 18 and older think that at all.

    • Sorry, I think ggazelles is right, in most cases. People your age, if they have had sex ed at all, had abstinence only sex ed under the Bush administration. Which means, you know how to say no and stay virgins until you're 30, but you don't know anything about sex.

    • I'm mostly going by what I've seen on this site with the virgin crowd proclaiming how proud they are to be saving themselves and talking about how great it's going to be the first time they sleep with their future spouse. It's fine to wait if that's what you're into, but just don't expect your wedding night sex to be spectacular or you will be sorely disappointed and probably too uncomfortable with your partner to talk about it since you won't know exactly what you guys are doing right/wrong.

  • i'm non-virgin and not by choice (assault)

    what do I think of virgin couples? I think it's cute

    i'm Christian and I do believe in not having pre-marital

    but once you lose it,you lose it

    it's cute.

    i think that they just make a commitment to each other and it's really like a bond between the two partners

  • First, you should know that I'm pretty much done with the word "virgin"; it tells me nothing about the sexual activity the parners refrain from. (Oral? Anal? Masturbation? Mutual masturbation? Fetishism? BDSM? Erotic massage? Roleplay? Phone/Text/Cybersex? Group sex? Toys?)

    That said, I hope couples, of any kind, know and accept each other's sexuality before making serious long-term commitments. Otherwise, they set themselves up for nasty surprises in the future.

    • Well I've refrained from all sexual activity. I'm 100% virgin. I'm not sure about my boyfriend but I don't think he's done anything. Maybe masturbation, but I'm not sure because I haven't asked about it.. O_O I'm not sure what you mean by being done with the word virgin. Virgin isn't a good word?

    • When I say I'm done with the word, I mean that since the word never tells me nothing of what a person has or hasn't done except with regards to vaginal intercourse, I instead choose more specific language. Worse, it reinforces the false, stupid, misleading notion that vaginal intercourse *is* sex (as though the long list I mentioned above, somehow, isn't). P.S.: ALSO, by that definition, all pure homosexuals die virgins, regardless of their sex life.

    • Yeah...I feel bad that the word has lost it's meaning. When I tell people I'm a virgin they think I just mean that I haven't had intercourse. I also think it's horrible how some people have done a lot of that other stuff yet still try to call themselves virgins. I don't get it.

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