Am I being too harsh on him?

I've been married for a year and am contemplating divorce. For background on how it's gotten to this point, I met my husband when I was 19 he was 27. I'd never had a boyfriend before, never done anything with anyone (no kisses, absolutely nothing), but I'm not a victim in this; just to be clear and whatever is said here is my own side.

We moved in together when I was 21, there were some minor issues beforehand. He'd never been in a long term relationship so I brushed them off as him not being used to it. Things like he wouldn't hold my hand publicly, he's not much of a texter, he's not romantic so no flowers - which was fine for awhile. As we lived together more issues came up. He's a slob, would never help with housework or clean up after himself, wouldn't cook and would claim he "didn't know how", he wouldn't even take out the trash when I asked him to. Now I've always worked as well, typically longer hours at jobs just as physical as his, so yeah I didn't really love coming home and having to do it all but at the time I had no where else to go.

Fast forward leads we're still together, he's never physically cheated (though there were issues with him staying up specifically for porn instead of touching me and that did actually hurt for some time) either way, my family is very intense and it's not his fault but we were a bit pressured into getting married and relented. I guess I thought it'd be different. And they are to an extent, he remembered my birthday this year and took me to a movie, got me a card and candy on valentines day which usually doesn't happen unless I cry so that's a good change but here lately I've gotten to a point where I've just stopped caring.

I moved into a spare room and told him I wanted a divorce and he says he wants to make it work and has started helping around more so he IS TRYING but I also can't help but to look at it and kind of be angry that it had to getto this point.

He IS trying, is it too harsh to give up after 7 years?

Yes it's too harsh
Vote A
No, go with your gut
Vote B
Other (explain?)
Vote C
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Girl Guy
Updates:
3 mo
Also should be noted that there is a lot of missing information due to word count so if there are further questions needed for insight, just ask and I will answer as best as I can.
0 1

Most Helpful Guys

  • Wow girl, that's a really tough situation. On the one hand, it's good that he's finally making more of an effort now - that shows he cares about fixing things. But I also get why you'd be really angry and resentful after dealing with that neglect for so long. Seven years is a long time to feel taken for granted!

    Here's what I'd say - tell him you're willing to go to couples counseling to try and work through this, but that you need to see real, sustained change over time. It can't just be flowers one month and back to the same old patterns. He needs to step up as a partner in all aspects - helping out, communication, meeting your needs, etc.

    Give it a fair shot with a counselor's help, but also protect your heart. Let him know the past hurt still lingers, so he has to work hard to rebuild that trust. And be open that if things revert back, you can't keep sacrificing your happiness and well-being.

    Ultimately you need to do what's right for you, babe. It's okay to walk away if you don't feel fully cared for. But maybe counseling could salvage it if he's truly willing to do the work. Just don't settle for anything less than being with an equal partner from now on! You deserve to feel valued.

  • Half of marriages end in divorce, and women file 80% of them. Why? Because today's women do not take wedding vows seriously and they lack the commitment women of the past had.

    Don't be part of that statistic without doing everything you can to save the marriage and giving him a chance to do better. He is clearly the problem, but he has shown signs he may be willing to change. Give him the chance. Try marriage counseling. Don't throw in the towel too early and then regret it for the rest of your life.

Most Helpful Girl

  • You put up with all that retarded shit for that long, you can at least give him a chance if he's actively trying and getting better. If he doesn't get better then the divorce is 50/50 each of y'all's fault, But if you divorce him right now while he's doing better than it's 100% your fault.

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What Girls & Guys Said

0 1
  • It's his job to make you happy, and if you're not satisfied with the relationship, I wouldn't blame you for wanting to divorce him.