Different tastes in sex, any advice?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend only ever seems to want it rough, which is hot sometimes, don’t get me wrong, but he just won’t let us have normal “vanilla” sex anymore. Sometimes he’s so rough with me that it actually hurts and bruises a bit just from how hard he’s going.

He doesn’t really ease up or stop when I tell him to either, and it’s not like I can physically push him off or away since he’s so much bigger than me. I wouldn’t call it abusive or anything tho, even if it might seem that way based on how I’m describing it.

I’ve tried talking to him about it outside the bedroom and he always apologizes and says he’ll try to be gentler, but it never happens.

Ik some people might recommend denying him sex, but I’d feel bad doing that to him. Breaking up might be an option too, but I really love him and this is literally our only issue. If it comes down to it, I’d rather just let this keep happening, but I’d like to hear others’ input.

Sorry if this sounds dumb as shit, I’m fairly new to sex and this is my first relationship.

[Insightfull]

Actually, it is rape.

"He doesn’t [...] stop when I tell him to" is Rape.
This is the defining characteristic of rape.

No means no.

" it’s not like I can physically push him off or away since he’s so much bigger than me."
that's the thing about rape..

". I wouldn’t call it abusive or anything tho, "
victims often defend their abusers by rationalizing the actions as not abuse.

"he always apologizes and says he’ll try to be gentler, but it never happens. "
I have heard that's what they do..

You should not feel bad about denying him sex. You don't owe him sex.
When it is unethical to deny sex is if a woman is doing so to get something.

"I really love him and this is literally our only issue."
This is enough of an issue. More than enough.

Breaking up is the correct course of action. You need to take your power back and leave. You can do this. You deserve better.

Also, seriously consider calling the police. Video record a rape session. Lock that piece of shit up for what he's done to you. He deserves it. If not for revenge, then do it for the next woman he won't rape.

This is your first relationship and not a good first experience. Try to not let it sour you on men forever. There are more men like him out there, but not all men, and probably only a few. You'll find a better one.

[Gabriel007]

Actually you are right and if this continues it will scar her possibly for the rest of her life... And actually, yes it is rape...

[Insightfull]

@Gabriel007 yea.. you're right if it continues it probably will scar her. For the rest of her life, or until she has healed her scars. This can be accomplished through a proportional amount of good experiences with men. She will have to learn to trust men again, and that not all men are going to treat her this way. There is of course the risk that the next man would also abuse her, and that would deepen the wounds. It still wouldn't be impossible to heal.. she would just require more healing. I suggest she develop tests to use on new men. Perhaps something like talking about the concept of rape, mentioning a story in the news for instance, and seeing how he reacts. A reaction such as being unable to talk about rape and being shifty and dodgy may be an expression of guilt about past rapes, or his intention to. It's an imperfect solution, as with all psychological testing, but surprisingly effective. Also, he might express views about rape that are sympathetic towards the rapist, or show a lack of sympathy towards victims. That's a good start. I could go on making up tests, and if that's something that anyone is interested in then I will. Let me know. She could also try the direct approach. "No Means No" is a classic rape slogan. Clearly stating this will send the very direct message that she will not tolerate rape. A good man might be offended by that. A better response would be for him to understand that to mean that she's coming from a place of being victimized and reassure her, perhaps by saying something very anti-rape.

[Insightfull]

@Gabriel007 She, and others like her, are disempowered: they have no say. What they need is empowerment. That's why it's her place to take the steps to get out of the abusive situation. That's doesn't mean she can't ask for help, but it does mean that she should be asking (rather than having help forced upon her, which is itself disempowering). I strongly suggest she get out of this situation. I cannot recommend she subject herself to being raped again; however, if she does, then video tape it to be used in court against him. That way, he won't be able to do this to the next woman after she leaves. Still the primary consideration is her. If she just leaves, or calls the cops without evidence and he gets off and rapes again, that's not her responsibility, it's his.

[bente2]

Honey listen to this guy. Please don’t put yourself into a bad situation like this!!!

[Gabriel007]

Okay,,, here is what you do, it will take some setting up beforehand though, tell him you have a surprise for him in the bedroom and you want to blow his mind and it will be kinky,,, when you do get to the bedroom put on a particular type of song (it's hard to describe exactly and the only example I can think of off the top of my head is KING - NIYKEE HEATON (ROUGH)) while having something sexy on, lingerie or something like that,, blindfold him,, tie him down to a bed (a really solid chair is usually the right choice if you have a little more experience later on, but it sounds like he is a bit too rough for that at this stage) and then take control, go down on him for a while (if you do that) and then get on top of him and ride him at your own pace that you enjoy and in the motion that you enjoy, remove the blindfold and then really do enjoy it and make sure he knows you really enjoy yourself,,, he does it rough because it makes him feel powerful and he thinks he is over performing, he just needs to be shown that he can be powerfull and good in bed and please a woman in different ways that will bring more pleasure,, people generally are more happy in bed if they know they are causing their lover pleasure, it makes them feel good,,, he just needs to be shown that...

[Gabriel007]

If this doesn't work,, you need to find a way to be okay with leaving him and leave him,, because then you are not sexually compatible and he will not compromise sometimes...

[MrOracle]

You need to talk to him again, outside of the bedroom, and you need to set some firm boundaries - and there needs to be consequences for breaking them.

Look, rough sex is fine if you both want that (I have plenty of it myself), but if you don't want it, or don't want it all the time, you have every right to have that respected by your partner. And it is absolutely NOT OKAY for him to ignore you.

He isn't taking your wishes seriously because YOU aren't taking them seriously - you've essentially taught him that no matter what you say, he can get away with doing whatever he likes. You need to change that, and you need to stand up for yourself, and ultimately, if he can't do that, you need to break up with him. Hopefully it doesn't get that far, but you need to take some action, NOW.

[pajamasam]

Tell him you want to take control just for once. Tell him that you want to just take your time and enjoy it at your own pace. Make sure to point out that you dont have a problem with hard and fast but that you just want to take control and go slow and enjoy it and make it last longer.

[Insightfull]

No. DO tell him you have a problem with being raped.

[pajamasam]

She said her self that she's happy in this relationships besides this issue and she has talked with him about it. It doesn't seem like it is against her will. I could be wrong and yes it does seem kind of abusic/rapey but the way she talks about it does not make it seem that way. But I will say if she feels like it is rape she should definitely put a stop to sex all together. I was just under the impression that she wanted to improve her sex when I first answered.

[Insightfull]

@pajamasam that she is happy in the relationship doesn't mean that he isn't raping her. She tried to say no and he doesn't listen. She tries to push him off. There's a struggle. This is rape.

[MrTuxedo]

Well, that is a problem. His sex drive is obviously too high to be able to think clearly.
You can try yelling or similar when he starts getting too rough, if he doesn't respond to that, then you have a problem.

Either you'll have to start denying him sex so he can get his mind straight, or just stop having sex at all, which I'm strongly against, as sex is very important in relationship.

[Insightfull]

Don't make excuses for him

[Insightfull]

He's already not listening and being too rough. She already has a problem.. :(

[TadCurious]

It sounds like you'd really like to experience intimate and sensual sex with him instead of being left with painful bruises. I don't blame you. And it also seems like you haven't been able to get his attention about this even though you've tried and he says he'll stop hurting you. That's not good. You shouldn't be subjected to being hurt and bruised during sex.

[PoloB]

Yeah I totally understand what you're saying nobody wants to be treated like a piece of meat sometimes you know beating it up is fine from time to time but you have to make love and be sensual like the kind of sex that make you feel the love in the warm and then lay next to each other and hold each other lay on his chest afterwards Express how you feel and be pacific

[Insightfull]

@PoloB This (sexual abuse / serial rape) is different that being treated like a piece of meat (sexually objectified). Is beating it up fine? Hoping he

[reptocarl]

You’re not sexually compatible and your relationship won’t last because of it. Worse still is his refusal to accommodate your needs. He doesn’t give a fuck

[Insightfull]

A refusal to accommodate her wanting him to stop is rape

[reptocarl]

@Insightfull good point

[jgirl99]

No u don't sound dumb. I'm not trying to scare you or anything but this is a form of sexual assault. You're literally telling him to slow down and be gentle and he's ignoring you blatantly. This may be your only issue but its a very serious one. Ik you dont want to break up and i get that, bit you dont deserve nor should you put up with being subjected to rape to please your partner. Thats not okay. he NEEDS to listen to you or you will have to end the relationship or cease sex. You shouldn't be making yourself so uncomfortable for him, sex is supposed to be enjoyable and sage for both parties. I wish you luck.

[broken_heart_at_48]

Tell someone you know and can trust like your dad or older brother or friend I know it would be a difficult conversation to have but if my daughter came to me with this problem I wouldn't judge her and I would fix it for her. I would do my best not to put my hands on her boyfriend because I wouldn't want to betray my daughter's trust but her boyfriend would understand how important my daughter is to me and how much his behavior could cost him.

[DWornock]

Some women like being abused and choose partners that are abusive. Apparently that includes you.

[Insightfull]

@DWornock Don't blame the victim. It doesn't sound like she likes the abuse.

[DWornock]

@Insightfull Some, a minority of women are attracted to abusers even though they complain about the abuse. It allows them to obtain emotions of pity and sympathy which in their mixed-up mind makes the abuse worthwhile. Some children will cut or otherwise do harm to themselves to get attention which is similar to what she is doing. Perhaps that makes her a victim but nevertheless it is what she is seeking; otherwise, like most women, she would not put up with the abuse. Instead, she would leave or have the guy arrested.

[Insightfull]

@DWornock Yeah. that is a possibility.. but it's jumping to conclusions. And consider the effects of both cases: A) She is playing the victim for sympathy, pity, and attention. A1) We give support. She gets her fix, and comes back for more. We support again. Our time and effort is wasted, and we're feeding a sick addiction. But no biggie. It's not like anyone is getting actually hurt, or being raped repeatedly or something horrible like that because of our actions. A2) We withhold support. She does not get her fix. She might get louder in an "extinction burst" before the sick addiction is broken and she gives up on playing the victim. B) She is serious. She is sexually inexperienced and her man is taking advantage of her innocence to rape and abuse her. She has reached out on a dating and sexuality advice site for help (which is a very logical thing to do). Also, she is doing so anonymously, and not responding, so if she was trying to get attention she's not doing it right. B1) We give her support. She is able to see the abuse for what it is and make meaningful changes to empower herself and escape an abusive situation in which her man rapes her repeatedly. B2) You withhold support. We leave this poor innocent girl to be raped repeatedly and tell her it's her fault for choosing to be abused and raped by choosing the wrong partner. This woman has reached out to the right place for help and you have only made it worse. Frankly, I couldn't even write "we" this option disgusts me so much.

[DWornock]

@Insightfull You might be right. Good intentions are not enough if your actions and/or responses make a situation worse. It seems to me that you have greater knowledge so I will defer to you and say no more.

[Insightfull]

@DWornock I won't want to silence you. I want to change your mind.

[Twalli]

I would try to be the dominant person in sex on occasion to "spice it up". Then go gently and vanilla. If he really likes it he may go more vanilla when he's dominant in sex. If he doesn't want you to be dominant then come up with a safe word.

[Insightfull]

What's the point in a safe word when he won't stop

[Twalli]

@Insightfull it might make him. Maybe say you like it rough but sometimes he goes a bit too far.

[Insightfull]

@Twalli if you like it rough but sometimes he goes a bit too far, but is making a sincere effort to not go too far and be what she wants, then I'd judge that ok. But in this situation.. doesn't sound like it.. "He doesn’t really ease up or stop when I tell him to either, and it’s not like I can physically push him off or away since he’s so much bigger than me."

[Insightfull]

@Twalli, sounds like the OP guy is way over "a bit too far" And isn't making an effort "I’ve tried talking to him about it outside the bedroom and he always apologizes and says he’ll try to be gentler, but it never happens."

[Insightfull]

And "different tastes in sex" suggests she doesn't like it rough

[Insightfull]

@Twalli your advice is good in this case "Maybe say you like it rough but sometimes he goes a bit too far"

[CharlieDMX]

Maybe you need to figure out if that is what you really want in a relationship. It seems to me you are. not on the same page on this

[Insightfull]

Can't blame her for not being on the same page as being raped

[Lunatic1]

Lay it all on the table with him, and you may have to withhold sex for a little while to get the point across.

[Anonymous]

I hate rough sex, but, if she likes it, I'll do it. Relationships, are about making the other happy, that's the point. You want to make them happy