Guy keeps going soft during sex. Every time we’ve done it. Is it his attraction to me?

He’s 32. I usually don’t have issues with guys being attracted to me because I’m an attractive woman. I always thought I had a great body and pretty face but I’m starting to second guess it I guess. I’ve been dating this guy for a 1-2 months. He tells me I’m hot and attractive, but I don't know. We’ve attempted sex 3 times total. First time he got hard initially but then went soft and couldn’t finish. Second time, same thing. He blamed it on the condom. Third time he barely got hard and there wasn’t a condom even used. I tried giving him head and it just remained soft. I’ve always been applauded on my head game because I enjoy giving head and pleasing my partner and I honestly felt letdown that he didn’t get hard from it. I feel kinda at loss here. Usually when I have sex with men it lasts under 5 minutes. I’m not enjoying this sex at all. He tries to compensate by eating me out and fingering me but it’s not the same as dick. He isn’t explaining to me why either but I also haven’t asked yet. Should I ask him? Is there any other reason besides he isn’t attracted to me? He keeps asking to see me, taking me on dates and texting me all day long. He said he’s emotionally invested in this.

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Superb Opinion

  • I went through something similar with a woman almost 3 months ago. She also happened to take my virginity. I found her attractive. But I had two martinis on a nearly empty stomach, and that affected how hard I got and how long I stayed.

    Besides that...

    2. Nerves/performance anxiety can be a thing. The after when I was home I couldn't get hard again.. Because I was stressed out about why I couldn't get back up.

    3. porn addiction could be a factor also. I watch porn maybe once a day on average, and honestly, the "death grip" can be a thing.

    4. Health issues. Being overweight or having diabetes (what the other guys have said) can play a role.

    This is a tough topic because it primarily affects him since it's his body. I'm sure he's thinking worse than you. The best thing both of you guys can do is not fixate on it. I'm sure he's been more hard on himself than you think. I know I was. But that didn't help us both in the moment.

    It sucks because she left me the next day. After all, I didn't stay over in the hotel. Part of the reason was because of my anxiety/embarrassment. I thought she was gonna be the one.

    • He's attracted to you, trust me. Believe him when he says you are beautiful, especially when he keeps trying to talk to you and have dates. I would give him time. There's no easy way to talk about this. Hell, I'm not sure how I could if I were a woman. Worst case scenario, a doctor could prescribe him the blue pill.

    • Thank you for offering some possibilities and your experience. They make sense. He’s a healthy person, I don’t think it’s that and he works out. I’m not sure of his porn habit or his nervousness. But yeah, I wouldn’t not give a guy time for this and leave him for that reason, I do wish he’d talk to me about why though. Like I commented on another user’s answer, almost every day he sends me a dick pic and his dick is very erect. That part is almost irritating me bc why send that and then when we’re together he goes soft, like it makes me feel there’s something with me.

Most Helpful Guy

  • It sounds like you are describing "performance anxiety" - kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy (he's worried about being able to perform, which causes him to be unable to perform, which makes him worry even more). It has nothing to do with his attraction to you (except possibly if he thinks you are so hot that he worries about his performance even more), and it's really all about him. He needs to be able to relax, and sometimes people can struggle to relax with a newer sex partner.

    The more you can help him relax and "take the pressure off" of him performing, the better he will likely perform. It's one of those things that seems counterintuitive, but it's true.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm sure I've read this not so very long ago.

    • This is the first time I’ve asked it

    • Thank you for the MHO.

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What Girls & Guys Said

0 18
  • Despite women’s immediate and understandable connection to how they may be contributing (or not contributing) to his erection it’s far more complicated than that.


    It could be a medical issue such as low blood pressure. It could be a dysfunction. It could be you are so attractive he feels intimidated. It could be, and most likely is, a psychological issue of his. This is almost par for the course for PTSD. A combat vet? First responder? Or, believe it or not, having his self esteem shattered by a previous sexual encounter gone wrong. A casual cruel word from a previous partner can damage a man’s sexual confidence.


    Be patient. Do your thing. Lingerie and lots of slow foreplay can help. Erection pills can be bought over the counter in many places from pharmaceutical grade like Viagra to enhancers like Rhino pills. No shame in them - they make the rebound faster and the fun last longer.

  • It is not you... some guys have anxiety or nerves. Maybe instead of sex just start out with handjobs until he gets comfortable with you. Is he out of shape? A smoker or druggie? Other health issues may be in play.

  • Most likely, nothing to do with you.

    Bet the guy has a porn/wanking addiction.

  • probably he smokes.

  • This has nothing to do with you. I made a post about this the other day. Men can have stress, depression, anxiety, medical issues, conditions such as low testosterone, etc. If a man is horny he’d fuck anything that moves. If he’s not then he couldn’t get it up for Miss Universe.

    • Ok but what if he sends me dick pics throughout the week like every single morning and his dick is completely hard? Like if that was the case would he still get hard like that?

    • That could be down to drug use or some mental block. Anyway he’s the problem. Not you. He should get help and you have a decision to make. Wait a little while for him to get help or call it a day

    • Ok, thank you. Yeah I will give him time but ultimately if it continues I can’t continue because it makes me feel bad on my end and I love good sex so it will always feel like something is missing. But I won’t bail without giving him time

  • He needs that emotional connection lol 😆

    • Lol you know, maybe that could be too. I’ve been on the fence with him for other reasons and have been holding back, I’m not feeling in love or like all lovey dovey to him or crazy about him, and I’ll notice during sex he’ll try to be romantic and I’m just not there right now so maybe he senses that.

  • Yeah maybe

  • Does he drink a lot of alcohol? Carry a lot of weight? Both can cause neuropathy it is often accompanying diabetes. He will never regain sensation if that's the case. That's a possible m physical explanation. Some psychological ones might include a low testosterone level ( testosterone is responsible n for desire in both men & women). There are topical gels (Androgel) that he can use to boost his energy and his libido. Sex is a use it or lose it deal th e less you have the less you will continue to have and the opposite is also true.

    You might want to consider prophecy woman stage sex toy Sybia. It will fuck you to death. Happy to answer in greater detail if you want to DM.

    • He doesn’t drink much and is healthy and works out. I’m not sure of his testosterone. I know I have it more higher than typical women so it does affect my sexual appetite. But yeah, I feel like if it continues I’ll have to talk to him because I want to have a good sex life with my partner, kinda a dealbreaker in the end

    • Better to deal with it sooner rather than later. Would he possibly be interested in a semi-finals nous relationship? You'd could consider yourselves an open couple. Or you can discreetly habe a few duck pals on the side.

  • R u sure he's not married with performance anxiety or a guilty conscience?

  • He could be diabetic

  • A guy wouldn’t try to have sex with a woman they had no attraction to. Could be a number of things…porn addiction, hormonal problems, anxiety etc…

  • Is he stressed out about something in his life or in his sexual performance? Is he kinda new to sex? Sometimes guys just have issues. Hopefully he is not letting booze or drugs interfere and is staying in shape. Can you get him off with a handjob? Maybe get him to not masturbate as much before sex?

    • He doesn’t seem stressed or has said anything, seems happy and enjoys his life. I’m not sure about his sexual performance anxiety though. He isn’t new though, I don’t think, he’s had girlfriends. He doesn’t drink much or do drugs at all. I tried getting him off with a bj but no I didn’t try a handjob buuut it’s not about getting him off for me, it’s more like, I want a hard dick inside me lol. He purposefully doesn’t masturbate like a week/in between meeting me. He will send me pics of his dick hard every day and say he’s waiting. So I don't know lol

    • Just be assuring and understanding and maybe some ED meds might help him. Maybe try some mutual masturbation with him and when he is rock hard start to have sex?

  • Did he try viagra

    • I don’t think he has

    • Should try it. Careful with the side effects though

  • Major possibilities:

    1. Performance anxiety.
    2. Physiological / medical reason
    3. Porn addiction

  • He probably needs medical attention. Some meds cause this.

  • It could be so many different reasons

  • He is cumming quick and hiding it.

  • Probably what he eats and lack of working out