Handling suicidal tendencies: how to suppress the urge to die when everything feels hopeless?

[IMuser]

TLDR: I just want my brain to shut up and delay the suicidal thoughts

I am losing interest in everything I used to like. I am currently a college going student and fortunately not under any kind of financial troubles (in the country I reside, the "kids" don't manage finances until they graduate college and Start earning). My grades are decent yet I feel guilty of robbing my parents money without giving adequate results.

I was fairly motivated in the first year of my college (2019) but since covid and lockdown, i have lost hope in everything. I don't wish to go back even if the situation is better as nothing interests me anymore. I have no interest in partying and social life (introverted nature + social anxiety), nothing to look forward to (personal interests are getting minimised everyday) and overall, no desire to achieve anything. I just feel like I am being a parasite in life.

Instead of actually studying, i am just distracting myself (through porn, movies, shows etc) so that this hopeless feeling subsides. I just can't find the reason to live, the reason to keep moving friend in life. (Some may say that me killing myself can affect my family and loved ones but at this stage, i don't give a fuck. I am too tired to think of anything)

I am aware of the fact that if I just do whatever I am supposed to (studying, getting a job etc), my life would be objectively better. But this feeling of worthlessness haunts me. I just need to suppress this till the time I feel my objective situation will be better.

1. I cannot afford therapy plus even if I could, it would mean my parents knowing about it. If that happens, the situation will be a mess
2. I once broke down (because of an unrelated situation) in my home and my parents tried their best to be supportive. If felt comparatively better for a week but I was extremely embarassed by this and don't want this to happen again

[Agagagagaga]

I suggest you read Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning.”

I’m not going to try to talk you out of what you’re contemplating. I myself will probably end up eventually taking the final solution as well. I have a myriad of mental illnesses and by all accounts am a colossal failure at life. I too have siblings that are much more successful than me, some with families and nice homes and good careers, but I’m the fuck up. I’ve been homeless before. Yes, I’m in therapy and take a fair amount of medication to manage my mental illnesses. Does it help? No, not really. No amount of pharmaceuticals or talk therapy will fix any of my problems. They won’t give me a better life. They won’t make anything better, not objectively. I’ve just “feel” a little better about things while outwardly my life is still shit.

Frankly man, I think some people just have easy lives and others have hard lives. Things work out for some people, other people fail at everything they do and know no success. It’s just how it goes.

Still, I’ve had a pretty interesting life. I’ve done more and traveled more than most people have. I’m thankful for the experiences I’ve had, but really all I have anymore are memories.

To be brutally honest with you, killing yourself would devastate your parents. They sound like they actually like you, unlike mine. Parents don’t just “get over” the death of their child. It will not be a momentary pang of loss that dissolves with the passage of time. Every year they will remember your birthday—and your death day. They will remember you on holidays, and throughout their daily lives they will be reminded of you periodically and will think about you. Personally, I’m waiting for my folks to die before I finish things. They are both elderly at this point. I don’t want to disappoint them any more than I already have in life with my sudden and unexpected death.

Read “Man’s Search for Meaning.”

[IMuser]

Let me ask you a question: what keeps you alive? What is the thing which gives you hope? Thanks for the book suggestion

[Agagagagaga]

Oh I’m not hopeful about anything. Quite the opposite in fact. If you’re wondering what keeps me going, is that I enjoy writing. I mean don’t get me wrong, I believe that my writing is bullshit, but I genuinely enjoy the very act of writing. It’s not a chore to me. So, in short, I have a hobby. It gives me something to do and provides some distraction from life.

[AndrésC64]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Suicidal ideation and depression are brutal. It's like fighting yourself inside your head. I've been there so I know. I know that feeling of tiredness and just wanting for the fight to be over and sleep forever. I actually attempted suicide twice. I was just so done with everything and I couldn't see any way out. I couldn't even see into the future anymore than the present moment. I couldn't think about anything other than just wanting it to be over. The first time my best friend came over to my apartment because I had taken a bunch of pills and wasn't answering my phone. The second time it was my sister. Both times I was hospitalized but only for 72 hours. But that was enough to give me a chance. They gave me meds and I slept like a rock for I don't remember how long. Honestly what's kept me alive is medication, and even more importantly, knowing the pain that I caused my sister. It's still eats me up. I know she still worries about me if she doesn't hear from me for a period of time. Doesn't your school have a health center or something like that? If your school doesn't have something, you could always walk into an emergency room and to talk to them. They will most likely want to keep you for a period of time. But you will get some therapy and most likely medication. Like I said, I know that my meds are keeping me alive, my depression gets out of control without it. I know that you feel useless and defeated, but please get some help. You can DM me if you'd like.

Take care.

[IMuser]

I was able to relate with your situation because at some point of time, you had been facing what I have. The point of not able to think for the future and just wanting to get over with everything is too damn relatable. I can't even plan for the "career" because of this and have been seeking solution. I have been postponing the idea of suicide for a while now and these days, it seems i am past the limit I am much more tempted to get everything finished than take medicines: medicine won't treat the suffering but reduce the emotional impact. Nevertheless, I thank you for sharing your experience with me

[AndrésC64]

@IMuser I know it sounds trite or corny, but the idea of just taking it one day at a time, is not that bad of a suggestion. It's hard to think about the future, but if you can just get through one more day. I don't know if you've ever been on meds, but many people have the wrong idea about them. Cartoons or TV shows about antidepressants Make it seem like it's a magic cure-all that suddenly makes you happy. But it doesn't work like that. What it can do is help you get out of that hole, that darkness, that crushing weight, and bring you to a more normal place, where you're able to think a little more clearly. Again, feel free to DM me. Take care.

[IMuser]

Thank you for the follow-up. I will read more about anti depressants.

[AndrésC64]

@IMeser You really should. Like I said, it's not going to take you from severely depressed to dancing down the street. But it can get you out of that depression or at least lessen it to a more manageable level. However, it can be a trial and error process. There are so many different antidepressants that you may have to try different ones before you find one that really works for you. I know that my meds are really helping keep me alive. I can feel the difference if I even miss a day or two.

[Anonymous]

Would you rather your parents find you dead and realize you were suffering with mental health problems or just tell them and avoid the part of them finding you dead? I used to be the same way, but your mind can take you to some scary places sometimes, man. I would watch a bunch of videos about stoicism, audiobooks, journaling about your dream life (after my mental health gets better, I can’t wait to——), talk to someone online keep your mind occupied, sit in a park let the fresh air hit your face, singing is a good stress reliever. Suicide hotlines talk to them, they’re free. Get a job, keep yourself occupied, you’ll feel better about yourself and you’ll be helping other people. Long walks listening to music, think about things in your childhood that made you happy and keep doing that. It’s good to have a pic of yourself of when you were younger and look at that picture everyday and say “I’m going to make YOU proud”. Take yourself out of it, focus on younger you and try to make them proud. I have a pic of myself for when I was 4 and I would just look and say “you had such big dreams for yourself and life and I’m going to make you proud”. If you weren’t meant to be alive, you would’ve had a freak accident, heart attack, cancer, but you don’t. You’re hear for a reason and view life as a game, keep searching for something that makes you say “thank god I haven’t killed myself”

[IMuser]

Even if my parents knew what's happening in my head, what can they do about it? As i mentioned in the question, i broke down in front of them (it was really embarassing) and they did their best to comfort me. However, the effect lasted only for a week and the spiral began again. If i just commit suicide, they will eventually realise that they were helpless: even if they wished to help, they couldn't as I made the decision and they wil get over it If i try to think of my childhood self, the only thought I have is "ahh my naive self, I wish we weren't born in this world" What I am seeking is a "why" to live. I thank you for your time to respond to this

[TrueConfection]

1. Get a hobby. Even if is not totally enjoyable, get one that you don't hate.
2. Participate in that hobby EVERY day.
3. Make a scheduled plan for tomorrow and stick to it. At the end of the day, make your plan for the following day.

[exitseven]

@trueconfection what is your hobby?

[TrueConfection]

@exitseven One is riding horses. What about you?

[exitseven]

@trueconfection My current hobby is looking for a job.

[Daniela1982]

Face it. You are not going to get better on your own. You need professional help, whether you can afford it or not. Maybe they have a free clinic in your area that may at least be able to prescribe some antidepressants.

[IMuser]

Are antidepressants helpful? They don't solve the problem, just make the individual emotionally numb. Aren't they equivalent to just having alcohol/drugs to numb the pain?

[Daniela1982]

I don't think that is how they work. They help lots of people. You just have to find the one right for you.

[England4eva]

Your not gonna like my answer but it’s the answer you need to heed. You need to tell your parents.

[England4eva]

The reason I say talk to your parents is because the only reason you are not exploring this route, is due to shame. Shame is not a good enough reason to deprive your parents of the opportunity to save you. It’s a human emotion. When you think of it, it’s really not a strong reason at all. Just a strong feeling.

[IMuser]

Imagine being a parent, giving birth to your second child. You will have spent a lot of time on this child, sacrificing your needs for tending to there needs. The first child turned out to be successful, the "glory" of the household while the second child, academically decent yet lacking in the street smarts and having a dull personality. This second child was comparatively spoiled and now, after 20 years, they get to know that this child is aimless, this child is depressed and has hardly any motivation to do something. This child thinks of erasing his existence frequently and hardly has done any worthwhile in life... Wouldn't you be ashamed at this child, the child who didn't lacked anything yet turned out to be this depressed and melancholic piece of shit? I want to save my parents from this embarassment and therefore I think it's not worth it to talk to them.

[England4eva]

Your describing how you see this child. A mother’s love is endless

[Кураж]

What's your level of interest in social activity and pursuing romantic/sexual relationships?
Do you fantasize a lot?

The way you have worded some things remind me more of schizoid personality disorder than depression.

SPD can potentially be treated with cognitive behavioral therapy.

[IMuser]

I think yes that it is more of schizoid and avoidant personality disorder (just saw a youtube video) I have pretty much spent my teenage on playing video games and anime. However due to time and in some cases, technical constraints, i had to give up gaming. I feel like since I have given up on gaming, I feel more depressed and enthusiastic. I replaced gaming somewhat with reading. I had a girlfriend too but the relationship went long distance and therefore doomed. I desire sexual relations but feel like it's a rigged game where I just can't win. I am often unable to talk to people because I feel so awkward

[DonkeyDan]

The problem with depression is it is a rutt that you can see bo way out of, whether your depression is justified or not getting a boost out of the rutt helps you to see daylight again. This is where antidepressants can ve helpful, no they won't fix your problems but they will hive you a boost and motivation to allow you to work on them. Also counselling is a must in this situation, you need someone to be able to ralk all these things out with, speak to your doctor, they might be able to point you in the direction of a free service. You have to understand that at the route of it depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and rectifying that can help a huge amount. I'm by no means trivialising depression as I've been there and antidepressants saved my life.

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

Bro, you need an old fashioned distraction. Distraction like travelling, reading a paperback book and not the digital one, and a social circle which can have at least one school friend.

And take an off from all your activities for about a week? Yes, a 5 day week. No computer, no tv, very less use of smartphone. No internet.
Nothing will happen I can assure you. Nothing catastrophic will happen I can definitely assure you.

You went to college in 2019, same with me. So basically you and I are in the same situation. And the above things are the ones I did. Go do jogging in the morning or in the evening as per your convenience. Connect with the land, it also works as a therapy. Run bare foot, if possible. Not in those fancy shoes.

Do anything old fashioned, but do not sit idle at home in your bedroom. That is the problem.

[IMuser]

Thank you for your suggestion regarding having an "old school" distraction. I will look into it

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

And also please do not watch any standup comedy cause you will get more depressed after the show ends. Heck even I feel depressed after a standup show/video.

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

My mom is like there is no thing like mental stress or anything like a mental problem!🤣🤣🤣So I myself do not see the point in talking with her. My dad at least listens, but his decisions are like my mom.🤣 I always find my own solution🤣🤣🤣😎👍

[RealMarek]

I struggled with depression and was very introverted at your age. Didn’t date either at that time and for a time lost motivation with my studies. It’s not easy. What I can say is that it will help tremendously if you can talk about it with someone. If not your parents, perhaps a friend or relative who you trust? If you’re in college, is there a free counseling service on campus?

What you’re doing now (porn, movies, shows) is not helping. Try to stop using them. Go for walks or take up running, take baths to relax, go out and look at the stars or find someplace in nature that you can enjoy. Don’t sit around at home all the time. Try to work your way back into studying again. Set goals to spend a bit of time on it each day and gradually increase that focus. This will help resolve the feelings of guilt that are bothering you.

When I was 20, many aspects of life, like finding a girlfriend, friends, or meaningful work seemed insurmountable. Some things seemed way more important and consequential than they really were. In just five or ten years your perspective is bound to be very different. It’s not that life gets easy or becomes perfect, but you will most likely find meaning in life in ways you cannot expect or comprehend now. You just have to stay in the game to find this out.

[exitseven]

I was going through this and I spoke to my doctor who took it very seriously. He said that Covid has screwed up a lot of people. Many of his patients have been depressed. I was unemployed and very isolated. I think the trick is to try and look at Covid as an adversary and try to put your life back together again. It will not be easy and it will not be a seamless process but you want to get control over your life again.

[Andres77]

I'm sorry that I don't understand this level of depression or frustration.
I just found things in life that I wanted to do and focused on achieving those goals, even though it would take a long time.
There is so much to be thankful for and so many things you can do.
I don't know how to deal with those thoughts other than replace them with hope and an agenda.

[Andres77]

I've got an agenda and no one is getting in my way.

[Andres77]

Dude, feel free to message me. I'm not a therapist and we're in different cultures but that's not the way to go.

[IMuser]

What are you thankful for in your life?

[Andres77]

I had two horrible marriages before I was 24. They took a lot of money and I was barely making it financially for a while. I just kept hanging on. I found another girl, she was the perfect fit. It hasn't been easy but it's been wonderful. Now I have two wonderful kids. Job took a while to take off. I broke my back in the military but I've recovered mostly. I'll be disabled for the rest of my life. But there's so much that I CAN do. Life is full of inconveniences to make you prove that you want the things you have to work for.

[Staximus]

It's not going to fade away for your parents, it's going to ruin their lives. When you die, only the people around you suffer. It's the same as when you're stupid. Stop being stupid and stop wanting to die. You only get one life. You can make it bad and hard or you can make it good and easy. You are choosing to make your own life bad and choosing to view your life as bad when it really is not. It's time to learn how to help yourself. Get the fuck up and do something with yourself. Start by exercising and getting sunlight everyday.

[IMuser]

Let me ask you a question: what keeps you alive? What is the thing which gives you hope?

[Ratpack60]

Please talk to a professional. Don’t let these feelings get stronger. We all hit bad times but things will get better. Again please find someone to talk with.

[noohair]

It must be hard in India. I feel for you. Most universities in the US have programs and services for students that are in your situation. There is a video that I am going to send you. He explains things very well. There are DBSA and NAMI zoom groups in US. All the best to you.

https://www.nami.org/home
https://www.dbsalliance.org/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc

[Twalli]

If you have problems that you can't handle you NEED TO SEEK HELP. You probably need a therapist but friends and family members can help. Recognizing that you need help is good, seeking it makes you incredibly strong and brave. Your parents will know and if they truly love you they will move heaven and earth to help you. My mom drove 20 hours when I was scared because I had pneumonia. She canceled her work, as a doctor, to help me. You have people who want you to live. They can help you if you're brave enough to seek them out.

[EnglishEuropean]

Without therapy, either cognitive or drug therapy (preferably both) you're pretty much doomed. Of course you can always try to tough it out like they did in the Stone Age, although problems were simpler then.

[jimmy2]

Will you pray with me. You might not have a physical problem but a Spirtual one. Just say this prayer for your life. Dear Jesus touch me bless me. Forgive me. Let me have peace in my mind. Save me Lord. Fogive me of my sins. Allow all things to work toghter for my blessings in life. Gide this guy to a loving church. Let him grow within your will and ways. Mold him into great blessings for others. Fo i ask in Jesus name Amen

[Sanjivraj]

Allow me to give you some hope. Start learning about stock market start learning how to trade

[IMuser]

Exactly how can this give hope?

[Sanjivraj]

You can make a lot of money. People say money can't buy happiness. But money can help you travel see different places. See the world. Keep the excitement going. Market itself is a huge adrenaline rush. The ability of being independent and minting money not depending on anyone