How can I get my boyfriend to be more affectionate and give me confidence?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have really started to decline in our relationship since I've gotten pregnant. I know he doesn't find me attractive anymore. Before pregnancy, he'd get mad if I didn't hold his hand, he'd kiss me all the time, grab my butt in public, tell me I looked good almost every where, and looked at me like he truly cared. That sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me is gone. I do a lot for him. He's busy both with work, and college. So I usually end up doing most of his homework for him to take some stress off of him(I do this for my sake because he takes his stress out by being a total asshole) When he gets home from school, we usually watch TV and after a little while, he falls asleep for hours and I let him sleep. There's no hand holding. I'll try to pull him close and hold his hand, but he digs his hands deeper in his pockets. I can't kiss him without him commenting, such as today, he said "why do you always kiss me after we eat that's weird" and sometimes its "i don't want to kiss you, you're too hot right now." God forbid anything nice to come from him. I've given him so many random things that mean a lot, and have shown him that I'm always thinking about him. But can I get even a card for my birthday or anything? I'm really not trying to be greedy, I just would like him to show something. Give me something from the heart. He always ranks on my appearance now too. "You look better with your hair down" "You need to wear contacts I hate your glasses" (jokingly)"hey it's miss piggy! it's you!" "you look huge" "are those stretch marks? ew that's disgusting" "you need to paint your nails" MOST OF ALL******** this makes me so angry. he says this all this time... "you need to get back to the way you looked when I first met you after the babies come out. don't be lazy and look gross actually try" (Well for a matter of fact, I technically had an eating disorder when we first met, I told him that, and he doesn't care, just as long as I look like that again. I was eating 1000 calories at most daily and working out 2+ hours a day/6days a week.) hellooooo sorry I'm pregnant with twins. I can't control how my body handles that. sorry I'm gaining weight and can't be perfect. this is just my rant because I can't talk to him about this. whenever I try, he says "i'm tired of you talking this way it's unattractive and so annoying" and now to find out he's been watching p*rn behind my back and looking up his ex? he said anyone who watches p*rn in a relationship is stupid. guess he is stupid. All I want to know...is how can I change all of this? I want to feel beautiful. Something that he knows I've struggled with my whole life. I want to feel appreciated. Loved. If he can't make me feel this way, it makes me scared about him being a father.

[Red_Arrow]

I hate to say this, but I do not see a way for things to get better at this time. He is working and going to school. That is a lot of stress. And kids (not just one) are on the way. With all that stress his reaction is to get less affectionate and not compliment you for who you are, how you look, or what you do for him. When the kids arrive, it will take more of your time and be more distracting to him. In other words, it will get worse.

None of this is a reasonable excuse for what he is doing. He is being an asshole, but apparently that is what he is. All the changes you are going through are normal and would happen with any girl. He must realize this, but he feels he is being cheated of having a girl without stretch marks that is super thin, etc. You are going through the physical difficulties of the pregnancy with its changes and he feels he is the one being cheated. He is concerned with himself, not his partner.

If you were not pregnant, this is the point I would say that now that you can see him for what he really is, and will always be, it is time to get rid of him before things get really messy. But you are pregnant, and with twins, so it is really messy and not a good time to be single.

He is wrapped up in himself, not you. So he is not going to be giving you confidence and affection. At least not unless someone can really kick his ass with a dose of reality. And I don't see that happening.

It would be a good idea to reconnect with family and friends, because he is not likely to give you the support you need for the things that are coming in your life.

As a last chance possibility, if you can get him into couples counseling, he may be able to realize how wrong he is. But even so, he may not change. Give it a try anyway.

You were wrong to do his homework. Homework is a learning experience and the only learning he is getting when you do it is learning how to use someone. I know he is working and you think you are helping him time wise, but he is not getting the learning experience. That said, it is too late. He now expects that from you and if you stop it will only add to his unhappiness and stress.

Counseling.

[thetundrawolf]

It might not be that he views you as fat... For a man, especially an unmarried man, the thought of being responsible for a baby can be... devastating. He understand that his world is now pretty much over. Even more of his money is going to be gone, he has to clean up his act (more or less) as an example for the babies... A good reason why it's good not to get intimate before marriage, because he obviously wasn't ready for the consequences.

Unfortunately, he now has to go through a hard core maturing. It has to be his decision, and he has to want it. Not to belittle you, because he is trying to make you less "Human" and easier to leave/ not be attached to, because he is terrified of having to raise some kids.

If he stays with you... Count your blessings. It means he has some honor. There are many men out there who would disappear the moment they heard the word, "Pregnant".

I am very sorry you are experiencing this. But it will get better, somehow, some way. Just have strength. If he sees what a loyal, wonderful, beautiful woman you are, if you do not harbor ANY anger, bitterness, or resentment (I know it's not fair. Almost nothing in life is) and be his woman, THAT is hard for any man to deny, even the most immature.

But if you are angry, bitter, hurt, closing your heart off, he will feel it, and use it as an excuse to further treat you poorly.

Hang in there, it will get better.

[Anonymous]

omg! he is being such a dick. wtf did he think happens to a women's body when pregnant. what an ashole really. it doesn't seem like he gives a damn about you carrying his babies, he should be happy about it! then just how will he be once the babies are born. if he is tired of you talking this way then I suggest write him a letter about how you feel & how he has changed & say everything you wanted to say to him. put it under his pillow or somewhere where you know he will find it, explain all your emotions in it. really you are preganant, you need all the support you could possibly get from him, he does not understand what you are going through.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a complete asshole and an immature idiot

Sounds to me like you deserve someone a hell of a lot better

but, you need to tell him how all of this bothers you and how it's making you feel. It may be some issue deep rooted in him and he's just taking it out on your apperance

what a dick

[Anonymous]

He's trying to manipulate you emotionally and otherwise... you see, he's either a narcissistic psychopath or he's a emotional "vampire".. BOTH are bad, and you should break up with him. He needs professional help.

[summiter]

I think pregnant women are hot...there is something about their glow. I don't mean that in a perverted way...

I think your boyfriend is an ass. I am assuming the children are his?

That said, it is stressful for both of you as you are going to be called mommy & daddy in the near future. Kids as you know are going to change both of your lives. I think you need to have a true heart to heart face to face talk with him and air things out. I would also suggest some couples therapy if you can swing it. It is not going to be any easier once you deliver. He is an ass...I am sure he is a bit scared...I would be, but that is no excuse for his behavior. Hang in there.

[MissConfused93]

Don't do his homework! He needs to know how to do that himself! That's the whole point of college! I think you need to leave him. He just keeps on sounding like a bigger and bigger douche bag.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to change a thing. He's the one who turned into an ahole! He's a jerk off!

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a terrible boyfriend. And you sound like a nice, sweet girl. So that's really a shame.

I don't think this can be improved at all. This isn't laziness or irritation or stress or anything like that. This is total malice and disrespect. I doubt that he ever really liked you.