How long should I give him before moving on?

[Anonymous]

Been seeing this guy for almost 2 months now. Started sleeping with him 2 weeks ago. Things feel like we are slowly progressing towards a possible relationship. Last time I saw him, we attempted to watch porn together but I couldn't look at it. I'm so gosh darn modest. He pointed to one category about big dicks and asked if that was something that I was interested in. I told him that I'm weird and tend to really be only attracted to the person I really like. He smiled.

Tried to watch some romantic porn to "start things off". He put his head right up to mine to try to get me not to look away. But my eyes... Haha! He got a little frustrated and said it was my idea. Anyway, deed done. We watched a show he likes. I rested my head on his shoulder. Asked if it was okay because I can hear his heart beating but he wasn't moving. He said yes so, I moved my head closer and rested my hand on his chest. He eventually rested his head against mine for a little bit. Then I had to go because he had work.

He told me that we might not get to see each other because he has a big licensing test coming up 02/25. I told him that I'm patient, I know that he has things that he has to do, and I'll wait for him. He turned his head to the side, closed his eyes, and smiled. Then he said that we might be able to hangout sometime before it. He walked me to the door, kissed me, and said he'd keep in touch. We texted some and I apologized for being modest, told him that I'd try to not be anymore for him and I promised. I also said that I sound so confident in texts but when I'm around him, I get weak in the knees and lose my senses.

I have not heard anything from him since Saturday. He does work a lot, has to study a lot, and I know this test is HUGE. He has sometimes not texted me for 2 days. But... I feel that I sent something vulnerable and I'm nervous maybe I was wrong about the situation. And maybe he decided that he just didn't want me. I have not texted him since that last text I sent.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I feel like he’s doing what so many men do, and that is “being on their best behavior” until they get what they want. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he was never interested in you, but I do feel like he masked his intentions to gain your trust and affections. Anyway, if this is the case and he’s going ghost, don’t see it as a loss. You guys were already on different levels, with the porn situation being a prime example. I think in this day and age, we’ve normalized fetishes, bdsm, porn, etc so much that women feel like they need to be ok with it. In reality, it’s fine if you aren’t. You’re not a prude for being a little modest, and even if you wanted to open up more, that’s not an overnight thing. His method was far from understanding and accommodating. Instead of moving on to another method of getting in the mood, he tried holding your head in place to satisfy his urgencies, not yours. He blatantly ignored your discomfort. This man is inconsiderate, and very self serving. You would’ve spent much of the relationship trying to turn yourself inside out to keep him satisfied, and that’s not the woman you should open the door to being. All this to say, if that guy is ghosting, let him go because you can do 10x better, and even if he does come back, give him the finger Bc you don’t want someone who can go days without talking to you anyway!☺️

[Asker]

He's a resident physician. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but apparently this is a normal issue a lot of people have when dating residents. I hear they work crazy schedules, are absolutely sleep deprived, and I've noticed that he really has lost weight. When he saw my discomfort and noticed that I was not loosening up, he did turn it off. Otherwise I just don't really know if its truly the test or what. I'd think he'd have not responded the way he did when I told him to do what he needs to and that I'll wait for him. I'd have thought a shy smile would have not been the reaction eh. At least I think it was shy.

[Opinion Owner]

True, resident physician’s can be very busy. However, if he’s this horribly busy, does he have even time for dating or a relationship? To me, it feels irresponsible for him to open a door he isn’t ready to step through. I don't know if he’s looking for a casual situation or what, but maybe you should clarify his intentions with him. Otherwise, dealing with him would be less of a test and more of a big sacrifice. It’s hard to build something with someone who is unavailable. He’d need to do his absolute best to show not only interest but that he’d make your relationship a priority in his crazy life.

[Asker]

True. I mean before this test got close, he started trying to see me at least once a week, sometimes twice, once we started having sex. Before that we could not see each other due to conflict in schedule and him having to cover covid call ins. I'm hoping to talk about "us" after his test 2/25... if he will talk to me again. I have not tried to text him since this last Saturday. Occasionally this happens every other week. Trying not to freak out but again... feels like we legit were moving forward to exclusive. What I don't understand is if he just wanted sex, why doesn't he just... you know hire someone. I don't understand what the point is/was keeping me. Especially if he knows that I want to be serious. We had this conversation after he said that he just wanted to probably be casual. I'm not pressuring him yet because I know he doesn't need it right now... especially knowing about his big test. I'm hoping maybe after, he'll be clear. Hopefully he'll have grown to have liked me like me him... if I've not been ghosted.

[Opinion Owner]

Gosh, I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I know how much it sucks. Tbh, if he’s already said he’s leaning towards something casual, you have to take his word for it. I completely agree, if he just wanted sex then why not hire someone. But often times men can have self serving agendas. He doesn’t want a hooker, though. I think he wants companionship that he doesn’t have to invest time in. Something casual that requires little effort, like a placeholder. You’re obviously way better than that. So what I’d do is leave my options open, and become very unavailable to him.

[Asker]

I am half heartedly talking to other people. I wonder if things could ever become more than casual. I mean... I'm a pretty easy going person. I understand that he's got a lot on his plate and I have definitely put effort in on my end to hangout at a moments notice and only for an hour or two. I've never complained about him being busy or not texting a ton. You think me being so understanding would make him appreciate me more... especially since I've told him that I had to work fulltime and go to school so I understand busy. I don't know what he goes through but I'm willing to understand... I also don't know how his ex treated him. But I do know that phone calls apparently became full blown arguments. I just don't understand why me being so understanding only means I'm placeholder worthy and not more. You think he'd want someone who cares... right?

[Opinion Owner]

I mean this in the absolute nicest way, but “Hoping” is what will get you caught up waiting for the situation to change, when he already told you what he’s looking for. You can’t think that being readily available for mistreatment will wow him into a relationship. When I say readily available, that means he can go days without talking to you, and when he gets around to it, you’ll maybe wait a few hours, but generally dive right into the convo; or clear time in your schedule to hang out, if he asks and makes a plan. It’s your “willingness to understand” his complete lack of effort, but excuse it by saying he’s busy (even though your life sounds hectic asf, but you are willing to make him a priority, and have already done so in several ways). It’s also your concern over his ex relationship and your readiness to prove you’re not like her, or won’t bring that drama, when you should NOT have to prove yourself at all. We’ve all had shitty breakups, but that doesn’t excuse making someone new in your present pay for your past. You have to give him incentive, but you need that in return, 100%. I completely understand being head over heels, especially if the sex is good or you’re really picky about it so having sex is a big deal and you don’t wanna waste another body. But never deal with BS before you’re even with someone. Don’t blur the line between “understanding and disrespectful”, and yes, it is selfish and disrespectful of him to waste your time like this, but you have to stop allowing it.

[Asker]

He updated his dating profile picture so... I have my answer.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh man, I’m sorry :-/ are you doing ok with that?

[Asker]

... not really. I really thought we were becoming more. He never corrected me or showed being uncomfortable when I said I'd wait for him. In fact... he said that he'd try to see me again before his test.

[Opinion Owner]

But you said he mentioned wanting your situation to be casual right? Even if he didn’t cement that notion with a yes or no, even the thought alone shows his seriousness, compared to yours. I understand where you’re coming from though, that’s why I’ve been so blunt Bc sometimes we need to hear the hard stuff.😕 But it doesn’t sound like a big loss on your end anyway, he was wrong for being so selfish though, and continuing on with you knowing he didn’t want a relationship...

[Asker]

I guess. I just... wish he'd regret letting me go. He did push me into sleeping with him. He asked if I had any one else... I told him no. I asked him, he said no especially since he worked so much. After fighting to not do it for 3 hours... I guess gave in. He knows how sex is to me. I wonder if I was just too shy or sweet. I just wish he appreciated me even just a little. I tried so hard. I haven't dated in 2 years and he got out of a 5 year relationship half a year ago. It seemed to good to be true.

[Opinion Owner]

Ugh, I absolutely hate when men are pushy about that. Sorry you’re in this position, especially with how hard you tried, and doing something you didn’t exactly want to do. I definitely think he got an idea of your personality soon, and completely took advantage of both your niceness and your desire for companionship. But what’s there to do now, you know? You shouldn’t pour any more time into the situation emotionally, especially since he’s not giving a shit. He will eventually, Bc men always come back at some point. When that time comes though, I hope you take all of his actions in to consideration and ignore him.

[Asker]

I'm not sure if he will comeback. I mean I have not said anything to him pass the flirty picture I sent him today... and soon after found that he updated his profile picture on the dating app we met on. I only have kept my profile just incase... because we weren't official yet and I wasn't sure. But I made myself so vulnerable the last time we met... hence this crushing sensation. I was scared to death telling him I'd wait for him. I was so afraid of this outcome.

[Opinion Owner]

9/10 he will come back. Maybe not when you think he will, but they always do at least once. When that time comes, even if it’s this week I hope you don’t reply. Don’t let him think he can walk in and out of your life, and treat you poorly. One thing to also remember for future consideration is to never get ahead of yourself. Don’t put too much on the table, or take yourself off the market for a man who is still shopping. I’m sorry that it came to this with him, but once you’re done feeling like you’re losing, you’ll realize you actually won. It would genuinely suck spending so early on in your relationship with someone who won’t commit, and you have to chase down to even talk to. There is sooo much more potential out there, you will meet the right person. It just wasn’t him.

[Asker]

I'm honestly not sure if he's already done that. He dissapeared for a few days once and I don't know if that even counts. But... I won't be responding.