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How to overcome the regret of losing virginity to a wrong person?

I'm 21, I lost my virginity last year to my ex, I did it fully knowing what I was doing. He didn't put pressure on me but I was kind of guessing that he didn't love me as much as I loved him and it was stupid of me to try to magically "win" him with sex. We had been together for a year and a half before that. In general I was trying to save it for the one. I though we wouldn't break up even though the relationship wasn't making me really happy, I though we'd overcome it. But he soon broke up with me saying he was sorry but he didn't love me. Now I regret it very much also considering I'm quite religious (but even religious people screw up). I know I should "forget" it but still, maybe any other advices? Thanks.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • You need to realize that, in today's world, almost no one is a virgin at marriage, because it's pretty rare to get married in your teens or early 20s anymore. Marriage today typically happens in your late 20s or early 30s. Understand that this is RADICALLY different than only a couple of generations ago, and most people - even though they're "aware" that this change has taken place - haven't updated their MORAL TEACHINGS to reflect this new reality, and so they continue to teach expectations that were completely realistic a couple of generations ago but are completely UNrealistic today (because of these changes). That leads to lots of confusion and anguish in a lot of people.

    You can't hold yourself to outdated morals and expectations though. I know it sounds romantic and everything, but it's just not the same anymore. Girls today don't get married in high school and start having babies at 16 or 17 as a routine matter - but that's exactly what happened 2-3 generations ago. It used to be that few people went to college - mostly only the wealthy or the very gifted - but today, most people go. So much has changed so quickly, but people are much slower to update their "moral teachings", because they don't like to admit that societal changes affect them - but they do.

    • Thank you very much for your opinion!

    • Your comment not only contains extremely huge misinformaton but in fact shows the primary reason why americans have the highest divorce rates and most dysfunctional families in the world by a very large margin. Firstly the claim that "almost noone is a virgin at marriage" is not only straight up false, but in reality it is exactly the opposite, the vast majority of people around the world are married with their first partner in their 20s as virgins. Moreover, virtually all studies show that those who had premarital relations, also have significantly higher divorce rates than regular people who get married as virgins, this is a well known scientific fact, it does not matter how much time passes, it will always be true, the countries with the highest promiscuity rates are also the countries with the highest divorce rates, family dysfunction, and overall declining society, and the united states suffers from that more than any other country. You cannot change basic human nature no matter how much you want, losing virignity to the wrong person is in fact a prime reason for depression and even suicide unfortunately, and this is never going to change, promiscious societies end up declining and replaced by other societies long-term.

  • The issue here is that you're worrying about something that just doesn't matter. Here's what bothers me about your question -- you're 21. How are you doing in college? Are you in college? What are you studying? Have you given any thought to your career or your financial future? These are things that are about a million times more important than your "virginity".

    You know, there are entire cultures in this world that care greatly about virginity. These cultures also all have to boil their water because they contain human feces. These two things are related.

    • I am at college and I am graduating with highest honours, continuing for master's at a prestigeous university. I mean I am a modern girl with modern tastes and so on, parties and stuff too, though no drugs or drunken nights. Yeah I know but whatever people say to me I regret it anyway :( Thanks for your opinion :)

    • Telling them that it does not matter, is telling them to deny reality which is far worse in the long-term though, there has never been a single point in history where virginity was not a core aspect of successful marriage and healthy family, saying that losing virignity to the wrong person and promiscuity is “not a big deal” is denying reality and also goes against virtually every study conducted on the subject, not only it is a big deal, but it is a prime reason of depression and suicide when it happens, and moreover the more promiscuous a society becomes, the much higher their divorces and family dysfunction becomes which fuels their overall depresion and mental instability.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Remember that you did not actually "lose" anything. You are whole, and complete, and the same exact person you were before you had sex. You are not different, or worse, or less. You are still you, and you have everything that you had before. The only difference is that now, you have some experience with sex. That's it. That's the only difference.

    Your first time having sex will not be the best or most special sexual experience of you life. It usually takes time and practice to start really enjoying sex to your full potential, so you didn't actually "waste" anything on the wrong person. Your first time never would have been the best experience of your life. It's all uphill from here. You were with the wrong guy before, which means that when you find the right guy, sex will be that much more amazing. And you'll be able to build an incredible sex life with that person, and it won't matter at all that they weren't your first. That's what really matters. The importance of virginity is a mental thing, there is nothing real or physical about it. You can choose to let other things be more important.

    • it is understandable that you are tryign to be supportive, but telling them they did not lose anything is straight up lying and denying reality, which in the long term it will make it worse for them, if it was not important then studies would not connect promiscuity and divorces/family dysfunction in such as trong way, it is a fact that those who lost virginity to the wrong person tend to have a much mroe unhappy and unstable marriage assuming it even holds for a year (because it usually doesn't) currently this problem is mostly in western countries (in particular the usa) which is also why their societies are generally declining

    • @yomielf Where's the data? Almost no one married and stays with their first sexual partner. If it's really bothering her she should see a counselor and talk it out.

  • If it helps, I think that you have a lot of company (myself included--I let myself get used in worse circumstances than the one you describe). There are things that cannot be undone. The only thing you can do is to try not to dwell on them because that way they can only cause further damage.

    I don't know what religion you are, but the whole point of religion is that we aren't perfect and we screw up and we need forgiveness. When you meet "the one," if it turns out that he simply cannot get around the fact that you aren't a virgin, he probably isn't actually the one after all.

    Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

    • It is true what you said, although the religion you described is Christianity in particular, which is also what makes it different than the other religions, the rest you must work and do good deeds to attain Heaven, while in Christianity it assumes everyone is fallen and cannot attain that themselves without a savior, and thus needing forgiveness for salvation.

  • Dear, the value of something will decrease even disappear after we have it. It's ok regret because it's not for the right one and only happened once in a lifetime. But what happened is happened. Stop being regret and blame on yourself. Take it as a risk of what you've had choose, learn from it and move on. There's still many more important things you have to think about.
    And switch on your brain too, not only your heart. Guys using their logic more than feeling, vice versa. That's why we're so easier to get hurt.

  • Remind yourself that you were put on earth for more than just to offer men an idealistic image of 'purity' which they can tarnish with their dicks. You're worth so much more than that.

    • Great! <3

    • The concept of purity/innocence is certainly not only idealistic as both psychology and biology overwhelmingly show that it is inherently a major aspect of a successful and happy marriage, but the biggest problem is that some people equate it only with female purity in particular, while the actual statistics show that both male and female purity affects marriage in the same way, if one of them deviates the chances for divorce and dysfunction are as high as the other, so both need to respect and truly love the other and place nobody else between them

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I was exactly like you. I didn't have sex with my boyfriend of two years because I wanted to be married. I broke up with him after two months of being engaged. A year later I met this guy and we dated for 10 months and I thought I loved him and lost my vCard at 24. He broke up with me a month later and said he still loved his ex. I regretted for awhile but then I got over this notion that you have to be pure when you're married. I'm not nearly 32 and have had many boyfriends since, some I as sex others I didn't. I don't regret having sex with someone now. There's no need to save yourself for marriage in my opinion because life is too short and if there's amazing chemistry, then why not have sex? Just remember to choose more wisely in there future so you don't get hurt.

    • this is the expected advice by someone who feels guilty and tries to conceal it basically, it is like saying i messed up so i will make up in my mind that the mistake never existed in the first place, which is worse in the long-term, virginity will always be of core importance (both for males and females) when it comes to healthy marriage and all studies show this as well (promiscuous societies decline and disappear while others replace them), on a personal level those who did the mistake should simply go with others who also did the mistake and partner together

  • Why do women care? even a bad fuck is still a fuck. If women didn't have such a fucked up view on sex and virginity, sex itself would be a lot less stressful for all involved.

    • maybe women care because men are fast to call almost anyone a slut?

    • Also because it's almost like losing apart of yourself. It's an indescribable feeling to have especially when you lose it to someone you don't see yourself with or anything other than love. It's not only women with that issue. Some guys feel the same as well until they keep doing it and don't care anymore.

    • @JAZZMANE It's all because of biology... we let them in, they come in us. I honestly wouldn't have cared if I had gone into someone but allowing someone enter my body is even simply psychologically a whole new level... which guys use for thousands of years, to manipulate.

  • Ok. I understand that you think that virginity is something sacred. It's not your fault, it's the society that has subconsciously programmed you to think like that.
    Now, it's the time to face the reality. Speak with me:
    "Virginity is a lack of sexual experience."
    See, that was easy. You will probably have various other sexual partners in your life. Some will be good & some bad. You remember the both. You don't forget them.
    But the point is, you see, that you shouldn't regret. It is not holy.

    • The problem with your reply, is that not only it essentialy denies reality and tries to present it as reality, which never works in the actual world, but it also gives an extremely dangerous advice later. It is a well known scientific fact that people who lost their virginity to the wrong person, or generally promiscuous people, have significantly higher divorce rates, dysfunctional families and a baggage of mental and health problems, this will never go away, it is not society that did that, it is basic human nature, just like male and female are basic human nature. And telling them to go with many sexual partners is basically giving them a recipe to disaster far worse than the state they already are in, there is a reason why promiscuous societies have always declined and disappeared throughout history, one cannot change human nature and reality.

  • Don't worry about it. I promise you don't need to regret it.

  • www.court-records.net/.../bratworth-normal(c).gif

    Forgive yourself. Yes, you badly screwed up but accept that you screwed up and forgive yourself.

    Secondly, realise that sex should not be used as a bargaining chip. If a girl gives away sex as a form of currency, it is nothing more than a transaction. It also would suggest that she has no other things she can offer as value other than her warm vagina.

    This would be a good time to start working on self-improvement; study harder, exercise, continue with your hobbies and socialise with friends.

  • It happens. But it was in the past. The next person you're with intimately will not be a mistake. Tell that person to treat you like a virgin again because you "should" still be one if you are in your choices. Maybe you were supposed to make the mistake. Who knows?

    • I really am like half virgin anyway, it wasn't even a proper intercourse and I don't remember anything but pain. Maybe it really saved me from some bigger mistake. Thank you.

    • Exactly. You got this 👊

  • 'The one' doesn't exist. Lots of people will come in and out of your life and will mean more or less to you than others. It's just sex. Why regret it? Will regretting things make your life happier? Nope. Just learn to live with it and move on with your life already.

    • there is a difference between trying to be supportive and lying to them, saying that its not important goes against what all scientific studies on the subject show, which all unannimously equate promsicuoty/premarital relations to the wrong person with significantly higher divorce rates and dysfunctional families, if one does not want to ever get married then it might be less of an issue but the mental and health baggate that comes with it is still very huge in the long term, and if "the one" did not exist then it would not be literally the most major concern of the vast majority of humans worldwide, it does exist as a concept and in reality

  • It's simple; you just gotta accept it. It can't be undone, so you should make peace with it and move on, and continue on with your life.

  • Get over the idea that the first time is supposed to be magical. Lose that notion along with other childish notions about the perfect wedding or the perfect anything. Everyone has a first time. It's awkward, and rarely does that person become your life's partner.

    • I think some adults put this notion in teen's heads hoping that it will make them wait to have sex. Instead just makes them feel disappointed and regretful. If you children, don't do this to them. So you haven't missed anything. You didn't mess up what should have been the perfect moment. The best is yet to come.

    • This answer seems to be unrelated to the topic, the questioner did not say that they did not talk about liking or not liking the first time, rather they talked about the regret of losing their virginity to the wrong person which they did not indend to marry later, which is directly connected with the very high divorce rates and dysfunction of families in western countries, it is true that expecting perfect wedding and perfect anything should not be a goal, but there are certain well established facts, such as intimacy within marriage which overwhelmingly support happy and stable relationship

  • im sorry you made a mistake my advice is don't let the mistake own you. Jesus came and died for our sin (past present and future) if your like me looking back on it you can almost hear what the devil said coaxing you up too it and after you had done it shooting you down and condeming you... one of the things I had to do was ask for forgiveness from the person I slept with because I helped her to sin (she thought it was weird but forgave me). I've had to talk to GOD many a nights just to keep me away from other women (I pray you don't have to go through this) but I know im forgiven =) got any questions don't be afraid to bug me

  • It is a mistake and a learning experience. Saving it for the one is very highly responsible! Just because the next guy. It could been a lot worst. Time is key for personal healing. But don't mope or let this event anchor you down either. Keep moving forward in life

  • Well ngl you should have been smarter. at least you realize now. I say from now on just be more careful and wait for the right person. About regrets, we always tend to have them in life and every human sins in various ways but God always forgives if you ask for it. Don't think that just bc you gave it up this means you should just go ahead and sleep around more.

  • The past is the past. Regret is only gonna hold you back and there are better guys out there.

  • Screw virginity. If it happened it happened. You were gonna gave sex eventually anyway. Don't worry about it. You're not the only one. Live your life and have fun.

  • Life is too short to lament the things you can't change, and way too short to cling onto your virginity and build it up into some big event.

    • hahaha nice

  • After getting disappointed and after wallowing in hurt/resentment, the best course of action would be to preserve your self respect and re-adjust your expectations. Now you know how to not attract that sort of pain, you learned that sex can't save a relationship. After you acknowledge that, you can start to appreciate the good it taught you and release the bad.

  • Marriage flies off the table pretty quick these days...

  • I too lost my virginity to the 'wrong person'.
    Just accept it happened and can NOT be undone. That's human. From that moment on it's just part of your irreversible history.

  • Lesson learned. Move on. Pray. Date. A lot. Just don't have sex with them all.

  • just learn from what happened. you can't change the past but you can change the future.

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