Sexual Relationships
+1 y

I don't give bj's - is that a dealbreaker?

I don't give bj's. Never have. Never will.
I Don't expect oral in return of course, and have refused the gesture from earlier boyfriends.

The boyfriends I've had all say that they are okay with this in the beginning, thinking they can persuade me into it later. When they fail to do so, they sour and act as if I have done something wrong. I broke up with my last boyfriend due to him not respecting that this is something I'm unwilling to do.

Is this a dealbreaker for a lot of men out there? Why? isn't it enough that you get to be with a girl you care about?
Updates:
+1 y
We've had a breakthrough: Do you think that a girl who does not want to do bjs isn't attracted to you? Is this why its so sensitive if a girl says no to this specific sexual act?
+1 y
The main question I get is why i do not want to perform BJ's. The reason is simply that it does not turn me on/come off as romantic, nor do I find it morally right (someone pointed out this might be a reason, and to be on my knees is something im definitely against). Not trying to deprieve men from any kind of pleasure, just respecting and being true to my own sexuality. by the way, I'm Swedish, so if my Language is weird I apologise!
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Most Helpful Guys

  • If guys are leaving, it's not just because you aren't sexually gratifying them. They're leaving because you have nothing else to offer. There are plenty of guys who are in shitty relationships because of sex. If you take sex out of the equation, then they would leave in a heartbeat. So if they're stuck in a shitty relationship with someone who won't at least suck their dick, what reason would they have to stay? You apparently consider it some sort of privilege to date you, so that might be a large part of the problem. You feel like you have no real obligation in the relationship and that it's all about you.

    It's insulting to a guy if you make it seem like they're something repulsive about him even if he has the cleanest, prettiest dick in the world. Imagine if you wanted to do something with a guy but you're with a guy who refuses to do it and refuses to even consider it. You might wonder why he feels this way, what's wrong with you, is it something can can even be helped, etc. You even say you refused to be eaten out in the past. That's like refusing Christmas gifts so you don't have a moral obligation to buy anything for anyone else. It's selfishness, and that's what's turning guys off.

    What are you doing to keep a man, if you're not willing to sexually please him?

    • I have had 3 bfs. I have left all 3. None left me. First guy there was a 15 year old age difference with, the second lived in another country and the third I left for the reason mentioned here.

    • I might mot be willing to give bjs, but im loyal, loving and a lot of laughs. On top of that I would break my back for any man who I commit myself to and who Im in love with. Im Sorry if you prefer bjs.

    • But thanks for leaving a reply. I appreciate hearing your thoughts, even if i might not agree.

    • Show All

  • People are so afraid to go after what they want, and avoid what they don't in order to avoid feeling greedy, selfish or shallow. So basically you are being honest in saying no bj and they know they can't live without it, but they feel greedy or shallow for turning you down for a relationship so they stick with it. Of course this is just going to lead to a big problem and therefore a fight and then break up.
    For me, personally, I would end a relationship the second I found out she will not perform because I love it too much to go without, so for me it is a deal breaker.

    • Thanks for your well considered reply. They should have said something earlier if they need bjs in their sexlife, instead of letting it become a big deal later. I will push a little Harder in the future to get a truthfull answer from them regarding this earlier on.

    • It isn't about attraction, we know you are still attracted to us in general, blow jobs just feel so good! It is like going without deserts or candy for the rest of your life. It's something great that you'll never get to experience anymore.

    • I see. Hopefully ill find somone who is okay to go without one day.

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Most Helpful Girls

  • It isn't enough because people are different. Some people, not just guys, love sex. I can easily see how no BJ's would be a dealbreaker, just like someone else could say not wanting kids or being allergic to certain pets are deal breakers. What may be enough for you doesn't have to be enough for you. Anyways, you might find someone who means it when they say they don't need BJ's. I've been with my boyfriend for two years and I'm still a virgin. Granted there are other ways to please him, but still.

    You just gotta be upfront and FIRM about it. Tell them that it absolutely disgusts you, not just that you really don't want to. I'd find that as a challenge to get you to try it, as my motto is to try everything at least once if possible. I'm sure your exes probably felt the same way at some point.

    • Thanks for the reply. I understand that for some it might be a must have in a relationship, and that's ok. But to leave a good relationship because you Are not getting oral when I have been up front with my boyfriends in the past about it, because they are a little disappointed when they realise that I actually will not do it. Its surreal (to me) to find that something so little will sour a relationship, when I have been honest all along. I guess being firmer is key. Congratulations on having such an understanding boyfriend:-)

    • Thank you, but hear me out. If he wasn't understanding on it, I wouldn't be with him. You must also keep in mind what I just said, because you contradicted yourself a little just now. If it's a must for them, then it's not just "something so little". What makes a good relationship is not a set stone. All person A might need is love while all person B might need is a bj. However, neither should be thought the lesser for having different priorities in their wants. Also also, you must not underestimate the power of "the chase". I honestly think many would think that you just want someone to help you surpass that disgust of yours to try something new. Like my master, for example. He has been rather patiently helping me get past barriers that I have had almost my entire life. He pushes me to strive for better, to try new things, and to be more open with him (when I'm a REALLY open person with the ones I love already.)

    • I see what you mean. I might be a little too traditional in my thinking. Even if a relationship is to me first and foremost about true feelings etc, for others The most important thing to them might actually be bjs. And that this ways equally heavy to them. Have I understood you correctly? You might be right. I should be aware of it might being perceived as something I want them to help me overcome. I thought I had been clear about this with earlier bfs, maybe not. Thanks for the good advice.

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  • Of course everyone has the right to have their preferences and not do what they don't want to do, but for many men, not giving oral and not being willing to receive oral is in fact a deal breaker for a very simple reason: bad sex. Sexual chemistry is obviously very important in a relationship and oral sex is really enjoyable to most men (both giving and receiving). If they're not getting that, it's likely they will grow tired of sex or feel like there's something missing, and just liking you won't be enough. I know that I wouldn't be satisfied if a guy didn't want to go down on me.

    • I see. Hopefully I'll find someone who can like me enough one day to let it go. A few years left till im going to be settling down, so fingers crossed in the meantime 😊

  • You'll be fine. IRL lots of guys can't even cum from bjs. Online guys will say it's necessary, but lots of couples do a routine where he eats her, and then has sex. She cums from oral and he cums from sex... he might get a BJ for foreplay but he doesn't cum from it. Or he won't get a BJ at all and be cool with it. So since you don't want oral for yourself either, I don't see why guys would care... sex is ultimate.

    • Thanks for a well considered reply. I hope I will.

  • For the guys on this site- no. They'll do anything to get laid (even if they say it's a deal breaker it's really not for them). But for guys in general, it may be as it an important part of the sexual experience.

    • A lot of the dudes on here are idiots lol... but not all of them!

    • Im starting to realise that. Thanks for your reply.

    • Sure!

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What Girls & Guys Said

11 95

  • This is something that makes you uncomfortable but I will tell you this a lot of men enjoy receiving oral sex and even going down on you.

    • I'm starting to realise. Don't think i will ever be one of them though. Thanks for replying:-)

  • It'd be disappointing because they do feel really damn good; but no it wouldn't be a deal breaker. I'd rather have sex than have a blowjob anyway. Though the fact that you've never tried it I find interesting. If I was dating you I'd suggest you try it once, and if you hated it you'd never need to even think about it again. Of course, you'd still be free to say no; but it's not as bad as you might think.

    • I see. Good to hear you think it is possible to have a good sex life without oral sex, i was starting to loose hope:-p I find it a little gross to be honest and would just like to avoid the act

  • Yeah for most but there are guys that aren't into oral and wouldn't ask that of you just like they wouldn't want you to ask that from them.

    • Yeah, guys with no dick. haha

    • @GraveTruth Did you forget to mention guys with no tongue?

    • I wouldn't know anything about that. My ex-wife hated oral.

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  • Everyone has their own position on this!! chuckle. I wouldn't say it was the key to an enduring relationship! Shallow to break up solely because of this!

    • Thanks for the reply. I found it quite uncomfortable that he wasn't taking a no for a no, and kept pressuring and manipulating in order to try and get his way. I got scared after a while he would try to use force, so decided to end it.

    • There's never a good reason to use force. Unless it's just playful. You were right to break up.

    • I do not think he ever would, but It really killed the romance and my attraction to him.

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  • Yes it would be for me. I don't need a bj all the time. Hell I don't need on every month but every so often I would think its nice if it gets done.

    • but the point is that she never has and never will. That would possibly annoy you.

    • @sxh967 Yes it would. That's why I said it would be a deal breaker.

    • I see. We can't all be compatible. Thanks for the input.

  • It all depends on the person, some might/might not see it as a deal breaker.

  • It shouldn't be... It's reasonable - I believe and I'm with you.

    • Thanks, i don't think I'm beeing unreasonable either.

  • Why are you unwilling to do this? Psychological inhibition? Bad prior experience?

    • I do not know, just a preference. I have no ambition to ever give one either, and have embraced that this is just the way I am and would like to have it respected.

    • But it causes you problems and you COULD learn to do it. Wouldn't life be easier if you could do that without it causing you any discomfort?

    • Why would my life be easier if I gave bjs? This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I will not change into something I am not and go against my instincts in order to please a man. I would never push a man into doing something he had inhibitions of doing in bed. You do not treat other human beings like that.

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  • it's not a dealbreaker but when you are in a relationship with someone for a long time you have to get new things into the sexual act so none of you will be bored, oral sex is one of it, i don't say you have to do it, you can bring another new stuff, like sexual toys or so

    • Im up for quite a lot (I think) and wouldn't mind experimenting with positions, places and other things. Just dont like bjs.

  • I have had girlfriends that did not like giving blowjobs and I was fine with that. A great handjob is just as good.

  • Literally, every time I go to fuck you, I would be thinking about how you don't do bj's and it would turn me all the way off. Honestly, I could see myself just saying "fuck this" and walking out. lol

    I mean I think I see why you don't want to but you have to understand that no one else really looks at it the way you do. Your perception of giving bj's (arguably) is skewed. That's why it's so hard for everyone to wrap their head around. A relationship is all about trust and doing for one another, so even when you don't ask for anything in return, it's like your saying "I refuse to do something that I don't want to do to make you happy and I won't even entertain the discussion" That's not loving at all.

    So you can say that this is your sexuality all you want but your not gonna be compatible with a great many people because satisfying sex is one of the few great pleasures of the world and being depraved of it drives people nuts.

    • I see. Thanks for your input.

    • But instead of attacking me and my choice, maybe you could answer the question I was asking? Why is it important to you?

    • I wasn't attacking you, I answered the question and gave you an elaborate answer.

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  • Wouldn't bother me in the least, so long as we were happy together. I've never been one to lock myself into an all or nothing kind of relationship; there has to be compromise, but I realize fully there are some things that can't be compromised on, and I'm fine with that.

    • Thanks for the input. The most important thing to me is being happy together in everyday life and situations - those are the ones there are the most of. I'm definitely pro compromising as well, but realise as you do that some things are just not capable to compromise on. Maybe I'll find Mr. right when I'm in my 40's :-)

  • I'm the same.. my ex kept trying to get me to do it but I wouldn't Because it's a turn off to me

    • Nice to hear im not the only one:-)

    • yea :)

  • It's Part of the package. You'll have a serious hard time finding guys who are ok with no bjs

    • Tell her to do what other women do. Put out for the first while then slowly get distance and awkward until she doesn't have to do anything. :)

  • this is a deal breaker for 99,999, out of 100,000 guys.

    If you had a legit reason then its understandable usually the only reason women won't is because they think they are too good (hot) for it
    Usually the more hotter the girl is the less they do mainly because they don't have to.

    Women also become less and less compromising as they get older. If you are THAT closed minded at 22 then you'll be a nightmare at 25.

    Giving head is the most BASIC sexual thing out there. If you won't even do that then you are fiercely closed minded. Good looks should not give women the privilege of doing nothing ever.

    • I do not think i'm too hot for it, I just do not like it, and find it weird that this isn't okay and accepted by the average guy. As I've mentioned in other replies: I think of not wanting to do bjs as just a sexual preference, in the same way that there are so many others these days in 2017: we can be bi, lesbian, gay, watch porn/not watch porn, be into toys/not be into toys etc, like anal/not like anal... These things kind of go down well with people. Why is it so hard to be tolerant and respectful of a more conservative sexuality?

    • isn't my sexuality also worthy of respect?

    • You never offered a reason so I would assume its because you feel there is nothing in it for you. You use your mouth to talk, you eat, etc, etc. Is the male body just gross? How about holding hands. that's a mans hand touching you. It makes no sense that you would not like oral other than a selfish reason.

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  • Just consider this, it's likely they can find everything you offer including that which you will not. If you are ok with lowering your chances of meeting or being with someone then that's fine.

    • she's not a grocer item.

    • @AriadneSky Your comment does not change reality.

    • @AriadneSky Given the long list of requirements the vast majority of women from your age upwards have when it comes to dating, your comment is laughable too. They specify height, build, salary, religion, age and a whole list of other stuff.

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  • Maybe not a deal breaker, but I have never met a guy who would be ok without one. I guess all the stars need to align for you to find a man who can do without.

    • I see, thanks for Your reply.

  • How are there still prudes in 2017?

    • Dont know, almost wish I wasn't given the response to this post. But we're all different, and im not forcing myself into doing things im not comfortable with. Even if I would be willing to do other things, i would in your eyes be a prude? I'm not English, so I might misunderstand this, but I do not interpret this AS something positive.

    • Hey I get it, I'm all for being comfortable in the bedroom and whatnot. I'm just curious as to what psychological damage was done to you to make you feel that way.

    • I have to be psychologically damaged in order to not be comfortable performing bjs? Wow, that hurt. But thanks for demonstrating what kind of cord this strikes with guys, this is what im trying to figure out.

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  • Immediate deal breaker. There are probably thousands of girls that are just as pretty, just as kind, just as smart, and just as funny as you - that *do* give blowjobs.

    What exactly do you have to offer that they don't?

    • Its not a competition... Im leading my life and making choices I know I can live with and be comfortable with. Im sorry if that offends you.

    • You can do whatever you want, I'm not tryna tell you ya can't. I'm just explaining ny reasoning. But for the record, dating *is* in fact a competition.

    • I see. Thanks for your input. Dating might be, Love Is not. At least to me.

    • Show All

  • deal breaker to most, not all.

    you do you.

    • Thanks for the input.

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