What should I do when I don’t know where to go from here?

[Anonymous]

I hate sex… it hurts like hell during and burns after and I always end up crying alone in the shower for an hour afterwards while my husband scrolls on his phone or plays some game on his computer… he doesn’t like it because I’m in pain the whole time and feels like his whole family and religion “lied” to him saying he would get soooo much sex after marriage… and I willingly give it to him when I can but it isn’t often that we have the energy and he doesn’t want it if I am in pain…. I told him I may never be able to make the pain go away and that, if he needs to, I’m okay with him seeking sex somewhere else… but he said no and is still kinda holding it against me… he isn’t saying it, but he shows it. He’s been snippy the whole last week since I said I might never be able to give him what he wants… he has been saying he really wishes he had had more sex with lots of people before he met me. I was a virgin when we were married and he had had 2 or 3 sexual partners prior. Idk….

I work 50-55 hours a week (about 10-20 hours more than him depending on the week) and am struggling to not just keel over let alone get chores done or tend to his needs… and he is getting really impatient with my trauma response of being in pain… like I can somehow help that it hurts… keeps saying I need to “get over” being raped when I was 4…. I’m not even the one who brings it up or anything—I just deal and ignore it. Not like there’s much I can do other than just move on but apparently that’s “bad” too. Like, I’m giving him sex when he asks—how exactly is that not “getting over it?” What exactly does he want from me? What should I do?

[SeriouslyNotSerious]

Hi! So first of all, I wanna give you hugs. This must be a trauma response, 'causing you to be tensed during sex. When you are tensed, muscles down there gets tighter—causing penetration down there, painful. I recommend for you to see a psychologist and getting a therapy.

I'm so sorry you have to get through that when you were young, some people here will never know the impact of a sexual assault. Hugs.

[Asker]

💜 I appreciate this so much. Thank you

[SeriouslyNotSerious]

I hope you find strength and healing soon. Rape is not a joke. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. ❤

[CrabCakes11]

Please get rid of this man. He doesn’t deserve you. He is a disgrace

[KrakenAttackin]

@crabcakes11. A husband has a right to expect sex with his wife.

[CrabCakes11]

@KrakenAttackin No he doesn’t. If he wants to have sex with something whenever he wants he can buy a sex doll

[MsProsperity]

The lady married him knowing she’s not over her rape, she’s the wrong one not the husband. I agree the husband has the right to expect sex from the ‘woman he married’

[CrabCakes11]

@MsProsperity Do you know how insane you sound? I’m sorry you see marriage as a means to get sex. I see marriage as a union between two people who love eachother. I’m so glad I don’t have your utterly miserable and deranged ideas of the world

[MsProsperity]

If it makes you feel better then yes I’m insane. For a marriage or relationship to work it requires sex and other things obviously. Sex is important in a marriage

[CrabCakes11]

@MsProsperity Is sex more important than the health of the wife?

[MsProsperity]

She went to the doctor and the doctor said there’s nothing wrong with her. What health are you talking about?

[CrabCakes11]

@MsProsperity “ it hurts like hell during and burns after” Her mental health is obviously severely impacted by her worthless borderline rapist husband.

[MsProsperity]

Her husband is not a rapist. She’s wrong to get married without healing from the rape. She’s just not sexually attracted to the husband

[CrabCakes11]

@MsProsperity Your view of marriage is twisted. I hope you never get married

[MsProsperity]

I reverse your curse to you😊

[KrakenAttackin]

@MsProsperity Spot on correct.

[Asker]

@MsProsperity I didn’t realize I wasn’t “healed from the rape.” …I don’t really understand how one is supposed to or what that means. I assumed that having attraction to my husband and being open to sex and stuff was proof that I was fine. It’s not like I went out of my way to say “oh I hate sex and I know my husband wants it—let’s get married!” I didn’t know I was going to be in pain every time until after…. Also, I AM sexually attracted to my husband, but, as CrabCakes11 pointed out, it hurts like hell and burns for hours after… I don’t love that… I don’t think that not liking pretty severe and long lasting pain in that area means I’m not sexually attracted to my husband. And I give him sex whenever he asks or at least something sexual…. I’m not withholding despite the pain… he just doesn’t want it when he knows I’m not into it…. But he is upset that I’m not into it… which I get… there are other aspects of our marriage that are good—marriage is about much more than sex. Yes, sex is often a big part of it, but I mean… I don’t think it should be the end all be all—especially when there are options and ways of trying to work through things….

[KrakenAttackin]

@crabcakes11. Only a lunatic thinks sex is not a part of. marriage.

[CrabCakes11]

@KrakenAttackin Only a deranged freak thinks it’s more important than somebody’s health

[CrabCakes11]

Please please please don’t listen to this guy. Your health and wellbeing is more important than sex. Marriages aren’t about having free access to somebody’s body, they’re about having a life partner who loves and cares about you, “In sickness and in health”. Your husband is not holding up that oath. It’s not your fault for being raped when you were 4, and it’s disgusting of anybody to imply that it’s your fault for not being fully healed from an immensely traumatic experience. Please reconsider your relationship

[KrakenAttackin]

@crabcakes11. If genders were reversed in this marriage you would be telling her "go girl, you deserve a real man".

[CrabCakes11]

@KrakenAttackin No I wouldn’t.

[Asker]

@crabcakes11 thank you so much for your thoughtful responses 💜 I greatly appreciate you!!!

[Quogha]

I’m not a girl, so I don’t know how I can help sex not be painful. However, I can suggest you go to counseling with your husband, and seek help with your sexual pain. If your husband doesn’t like the idea, then word it a little different. “I’d like to have more sex with you, but we need to do this first to learn how to make it work.” Just a suggestion.

[Berethor]

Marrying a virgin seems ideal, but then here is cases like that, when something messed up with her, sex is not supposed to hurt so much for a non-virgin, you have some problem.

https://allthetropes.org/wiki/Nature_Adores_a_Virgin

[MsProsperity]

I think you’re not sexually attracted to him. He doesn’t turn you on. Try foreplay before having sex

[dustybiker2]

If you aren't turned on this can be the experience.

[Dargil]

I may have more to say about this, but three questions.

*Have you discussed this with him where he listens, does not get hostile and defensive and does not ignore or deflect you? It sounds like he is non-negotiable.
*here do you live?
*Do you have children?

[Asker]

It has come up in couples therapy… he basically said that he thought individuals and couples therapy would be a first step to getting me to “get over the rape.” I don’t really understand what I supposedly haven’t gotten over… I tried to explain that I wasn’t so sure I’d ever “get over” the pain during sex per se… that it might never stop being physically painful for me…. But that I also would be okay with still giving him sex and/or be okay if he sought out sex in someone else…. He got really quiet and started texting or something on his phone…. I guess most times I try to talk to him about it and give him options he gets quiet and then upset and starts crying and getting angry a few hours or days later… I think it’s his way of processing… idk… We don’t have children—just cats 😅 both of us are pretty much infertile—he’s practically sterile soooo bio kids were never going to be an option for us. We accepted that back when we were still just friends. We did temporarily have my younger sister live with us last school year but she is back home with mom now.

[Dargil]

I am not trolling you or stringing you out. I'm trying to advise something intelligent. *Over time, I have concluded that a marriage is another form of friendship. And should be include common interests. What are the interests, if any, you share? *What is your religious faith? Christian, Judaism, Islam, some other? *Forgive me when I ask: When your sister stayed with you, was she "with" your husband at all? *Were you actually forceably raped in the past or does sex "seem" like rape to you? *Is there a physiological issue with sex with your husband? Is he exreaordinarily large? *Do you have a condition called Vaginismus? *Do you have an auto-immune disease called Lupus? I'm building my "database" on your issue.

[Asker]

Nah, I hear you and appreciate the thoughtfulness! We had a pretty good friendship when we started seeing each other. We enjoy some of the same bands, cooking, crafting, and even a few of the same games. We haven’t really had much time to spend on these lately though. I barely have the energy to eat most days, let alone anything else. I tend to take on the building and fixing role in the house while he takes on a few “trad male” chores like garbage and litter boxes and helps with dishes. His family is Jewish. We are somewhere between Jewish and Christian but lean towards Jewish. I was raised Catholic with a brief time in a cult-like church in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin XD No—no—she was like 15/16 and he is in his early 30s. But an understandable question! Just as an ease of mind to my mom, I didn’t leave the two of them alone for longer than a few minutes. I was 4 years old…. I told my family about a family friend (grown man) who was making me uncomfortable and then raped/assaulted me… no one believed me until about a year ago when he was arrested for doing the same thing to other girls my age. He was, unfortunately, dating my babysitter that I was left with frequently…. I don’t remember how often it happened… He’s a pretty normal size I think? I don’t exactly have anything to compare it too 😅 I’m not sure? No, but I do have chronic fatigue syndrome? My mom was thought to have lupus for a long time but the tests were never conclusive.

[bowenw]

I suggest starting with you speaking to you doctor about the pain you are experiencing.

[Asker]

I did try that. They said there was nothing they could do and there isn’t anything they could think of that would be causing the pain. 🤷‍♀️

[bowenw]

You may want to ask to be referred to a specialist as pain is not normal.

[Makeushiver]

Really sorry that's been your experience. Im pretty sure that I've gotten almost as many women off as they have me. ! y biggest craving is the ex pool science of an attractive woman's arousal and as many orgasms as I can contribute. I'd offer these services bro you but I guess that might be a little self serving Hope you find the girl or guy that van arch your back, thrust hour pelvis, and are delirious with pleasure with someone who digs getting you off.

[SotiCoto]

If I were being completely honest, I'd suggest putting him down like the rabid animal he is.

But honesty is frowned upon, so I'll recommend divorce instead.

Still, he sounds like an absolute monster, and I'll bet it is the religion that did it.

[Asker]

He’s not a monster, I promise!! A bit mysoginistic at times and definitely dealing with religious trauma… but not a horrible person overall. He pays his half of the bills and what not—better than my dad and bio father!

[SotiCoto]

Paying half the bills is not an adequate measure of basic human decency. I'll tell you something that you might need to know though: Physical oversensitivity to the point of sex being cripplingly painful is common among girls on the autistic spectrum. Well, and guys to some extent, but it doesn't tend to be as much of a limiting factor for guys. But if this is in any way relevant to your case, you definitely need to get out of that marriage ASAP.

[DrPepper12]

Have you discussed this with gynecologist? Pain can be indictive of so much more than an irritated hubby.

[Iron_Man]

Well, now you’re married, you hate sex go to a marriage sex counselor

[Asker]

We go to couple’s counseling but can’t find a sex therapist in our insurance…

[Iron_Man]

Try a clinic and see what you can come up with

[IWILLPLEASEYOU]

All I know is that is your feelings afterwards DEFINITELY NOT DOING IT RIGHT!

[Anonymous]

So are you saying you don't really enjoy sex?

[Asker]

I mean…. I like the thought of it and stuff…. But I hate that is hurts and leaves me feeling…. Emotionally unstable afterwards…. But I want to give it to my husband and do whenever he asks whether or not I want to because I want to support him and help him enjoy himself if I can

[Anonymous]

If you knew sex was such a hangup for you why did you ever agree to get married?

[Asker]

I didn’t know… I was a virgin…

[Asker]

Or rather…. Thought of myself that way I guess…. But hadn’t been touched like that since I was raped at 4….