I'm not comfortable with porn in my relationship. How do I bring this up?

I'd like to preface this by saying this is an individual issue. I don't care if other people don't mind their partners watching porn, or even like watching it together. But I don't. Now, I don't know for certain that my boyfriend does watch porn, as the subject has never had any reason to be brought up, but I presume he does since basically all men do. Can I have some guidance on how to approach the subject tastefully? It's a dealbreaker for me. I'm absolutely not comfortable with porn being in my relationships. But I don't know how to bring it up and what exactly to say to express myself properly.

(Also, as I said, I have no problem with other people liking porn. But I would appreciate not being hounded in the comments by people calling me abusive and controlling. I don't intend to force my boyfriend to do anything, but this is a boundary for me I'm keeping, so I would appreciate this being respected.)

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Most Helpful Girls

  • Find porn you are comfortable with. Okay, bad advice. Seriously, like ANY issue, the most effective way to address it in a relationship isn't to focus on the merits of the issue itself. Instead, focus on how it makes you feel. Consider a different topic. Football! I am not judging football when I tell my husband that having him ignore me during the game makes me feel bad. Although, I have a choice in that, knowing he really loves football, while perhaps I don't have to love it to, or even watch it with him, maybe I am okay with giving him that time alone or with friends knowing that it makes him feel good. Wait, are we still talking football? LOL. Seriously. Any issue, porn, football or otherwise, comes down to expressing how it makes us feel, and then deciding, if it is important to the other person, whether or not THEY are important enough to us to allow them that pleasure. Maybe for some things they are, and for others they are not. In the end, you have to take them as a total package and decide if they are right for you or not. Accept the good with the bad if they are, otherwise, move on. Ideally, we all hope that if something concerns us, it will automatically concern the other person and they will "change." Sometimes it works out that way for some topics in life. Sometimes it won't. When it doesn't, you have to decide wither they mean enough to you to "give them that," or not. If they don't, then you have a situation where you don't mean enough to them to make them want to change their behavior, and they don't mean enough to you for you to change/accept their behavior. Then the answer is simple. Time to move on.
    Oh, one more thought. In explaining how it makes you feel, be prepared for them to share how it makes them feel. It's only fair. And wanting to be sexually aroused by porn is not necessarily "wrong." And not liking the idea of porn is not necessarily "wrong." It isn't about which feelings are right or wrong, it's about whether your feelings rise to the level that you can not accept the situation.

    • I'm not saying it's wrong, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable. He's expressed before his discomfort with previous romantic partners doing OnlyFans or posting provocative pictures online, and I'm more than happy to not do anything like that. This feels the same for me.

  • I don't know how to handle your situation specifically. But personally, I would not date a guy unless he saw porn as an abomination asuch as I do. Maybe you can just start over and find a guy who shares your pov.

Most Helpful Guys

  • Are you willing to fill the roll of what porn does for him so he no longer has to take care of his needs himself?

    Do you know what you are signing up for? That's sex every day probably multiple times a day, that's you trying every kinky thing out there, with cosplay, or bdsm, or pegging or whatever kink he is in the mood for that day.. that's you giving him BJ every day or maybe multiple times a day when you are on your period..

    You do that and he won't need to take care of his needs with porn and masturbating, you good with that?

  • Absolutely makes sense. I feel like it’s emotionally cheating. You have to have boundaries and if someone crosses them. You dump them. Never look back…. Wish them well. Pray they will change. But don’t let them drag you down with them.


    Fantasizing about someone else is cheating even if you wouldn’t act on it. But being honest even if someone won’t admit it. If they were given the opportunity they would probably do it. If they knew they could do it and not get caught they would.

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  • An alternative to approach the questions is to search online about "dirty or naughty" questions and do them with him. Among them should arise a question about porn and that can be your key to get into the conversation. As an example search for "75 Fun Dirty Questions to Ask Your Partner" and it will give you a link to Oprah Daily. Go through these questions if you feel comfortable with it, and address the ones you would like to do.

    If it is too much, just bring it up openly. Explain your reasoning and how it makes you feel. Share also your opinion and thoughts of him doing it on his own in the bathroom or elsewhere. In the end it comes down to honest and trust.

  • By talking to him what do you think

  • How long have you be boyfriend/girlfriend?

    • How long have I been his girlfriend? A few months.

    • Then it seems to be it's not too soon to bring it up. You know it might be a tough discussion, but I think you just have to tell him that you need to discuss something and then do it as tactfully as you can, using "I" statements. I'm sure you find a good way to do it. Good luck.

  • Approach as adults in a relationship and just talk about it, be open and honest with him.

    • How should I bring it up, though? It's not the kind of subject you can spring on someone unsuspecting.

    • Life is hard, being an adult means at times you have to talk about hard things in a relationship. There is something you have to think about, are you prepared to be single for what your limits are?

    • Yes, I am.

  • As long as you realize that you are eliminating a large fraction of men.

    • I do

  • You bring it up exactly as you did here. "Hey, I'm not comfortable with either of us watching porn as I feel blah blah blah"

  • If that’s such a big problem for you then the conversation quickly

  • Omg. I'm gonna piss u off that's fine. Honestly u need 2 hear it. Grow up. Porn shouldn't b an issue if it is u need 2 evaluate your immaturity before being wirh someone

    • How do you come to that conclusion exactly? Plenty of people are uncomfortable with their partners watching porn. You can if you like, as I literally wrote, *twice,* but I'm only interested in people offering helpful advice, thanks.

    • And those people r insecure and need 2 fix that if they're threatened by people their partner will never meet having sex. It's a visual nothing more

    • Men are threatened by their girls doing OnlyFans. It's purely visual. Like I said, I'm not interested in your pro-porn opinion. Do what you like, but this is a firm boundary with me.

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  • Be honest and tell him directly it's not negotiable. My question is if it's ok for him to use for self pleasure?

    • Isn't that already what it is used for?

    • True that. It's the only option if you don't like it. My bad! I don't know, if it makes him decide to hide it from you then it's a violation and then a coverup which is worse than just him using it. I think in order not to put him in that position you should allow him to use it for self pleasure but just keep it ALL to himself.

  • It’s ok to have boundaries in a relationship.
    Porn is mostly for lonely or sexually frustrated people.
    Hypothetical: if you told me I wasn’t allowed porn. I would have boundaries or demands on intimacy.
    Pretty much what I’m saying is don’t sexually frustrate your man and porn won’t be a problem, and it’s ok to so no porn in the relationship.

  • Come straight out and tell him. Then ask him what are you a little 15 yr old boy, where you need that filth in your life? WTF is wrong with you? Tell him like that and see what he says.

  • no matter how uncomfortable you are, he'll go on watching porn
    accept it and try not to make it an issue

    • Guess I'll have to break up then, because I can't accept it.

    • grow up, lady. otherwise, you'll be single forever.

    • I would way rather be single than in an unhappy relationship.

  • just be open and talk.

  • Isn't he ready for you or has less drive if you want Sex? Perhaps he has a smaller di☆☆?
    How often he watches porn, I guess always if you are not with him? I would recommand a chastity cage for him always if he is not with you. You could bring it up as role Play.

  • "... but I presume he does since basically all men do"

    Well, that puts you in a tough spot, doesn't it. You can either not bring it up and remain blissfully ignorant, or choose the controlling route and put him in a position where he has to either lie to you or risk you dumping him. That's a tough one.

    • I know. If he won't give it up unresentfully, then I'll break up. I'm not going to control him. But I'm just not comfortable with it.

  • In my experience if you forbid something it only makes people want it more.