I need your best 'femdom' advice please?

[AmandaYVR]

I am asking on behalf of a friend (and no, it's not me! It's really a girlfriend), who is madly in love and in a fairly new relationship (~ 4 mo), with a guy who is (also in love and) very experienced sexually, sort of an 'expert' (well, at the very least avid enthusiast, who gives regular BDSM advice online), and she would like some advice on how to take on the 'femdom' role.

Femdom: BDSM relationship in which female is dominant partner. aka dominatrix, mistress, madame. Often engaging in bondage, ball busting, humiliation, face sitting, forced feminization, chastity, orgasm, pegging, etc.

Their sex life is new, exciting, certainly not boring. But he generally prefers to be mostly dom and she prefers mostly sub. But they are switch as well (hallelujah - I do hate these boxes you know), and she is ready to move on to another role. He is happy & willing as well.

She is an absolute sweetheart. Bubbly, smiley, glass half full, creative, playful kind of girl, very accommodating and adaptable (though not inexperienced or naive.) So bossing people around is certainly not her forte. But she's no innocent, shy wallflower either. She's got no issues with being on top or in charge or making suggestions and decisions. But this guy knows his way around all the toys, all the gear (he brought over a big box in their first week... "No pressure... just for when we're ready" and it's time to swap roles now.
So here I am, the aggregator of information, to collect some of your best tips, on how to help her go about this.

Need Advice On:
1. How to get into this mindset
2. Names to call herself & him
2. Specific words & phrases to say; commands to give (he's into humiliation as well)
3. Actions to do

We Don't Need Advice On:
Sex positions (they've got those covered)
Toys to buy (they've got 'em)
Anal or anything to do with bodily fluids and hygiene

Give me your best, people! I know you have lots of ideas on this one.

Gorgeous. I love me some shadow and high contrast.

[Anpu23]

Wow I've got a lot. First they both need to set limits. Have them fill out "we should try it" or some other BDSM test it's a good place to start as it helps frame both parties desires and limits. It'll also naturally lead into territory that they both want to explore. As they both switch one thing I found is that a switching type relationship is difficult as both parties have to be in the correct switch for each other. If she's feeling Dom and he's also feeling Dom or visa versa it causes a bit of friction. I would recommend that they commit to a set amount of time on the female led. I also would recommend that she seriously think about how far she is comfortable going. It's easy to push him, and then she gets turned off watching him perform that act. So she needs a good self evaluation.

Next I would look at budget there's lot's of gender neutral BDSM toys but there's stuff that is gender specific and for her to consider if there's a toy or two that might make it easier for her. I'm thinking chastity toys, or perhaps a humbler.

Next she needs to explore her Dom space. As a sweetheart she may look at maybe a mommy dommy kind of role or maybe she wants to let out her inner bitch. I would recommend that she looks at that and seriously set her scene around that kind of structure.

I've seen scenes around him giving her oral as she relaxes with a glass of wine and a good book. Or maybe a message or domestic service, he has to clean up the house while she kicks back watching a movie. Make her a meal, write her a poem, grocery shopping. Maybe he has to go shopping with her wallet at the ready while she takes her time. Him carrying the bags... Of course any slip of attention or sign of not having a good time will be severely punished.

Maybe eye control or only speak when spoken to. He must refer to himself in the lower vernacular "this one" or "as you please" if there into gender play, maybe force him to buy himself lingerie, or lipstick under his covid mask.

Perhaps make him perform in front of like minded friends, such as modeling that lingerie.

He should always refer to her as princes, mistress, goddess or some such. Familial conversation would be unacceptable.

If you need more PM me I've git plenty.

[Anpu23]

Thanks for MHO I hope they have fun

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

"aka dominatrix, mistress, madame. Often engaging in bondage, ball busting, humiliation, face sitting, forced feminization, chastity, orgasm, pegging, etc."

Well, there are other forms of "femdom" that may not involve any, some, or all of those listed activities. If anything your friend should probably start small, telling him when to eat her pussy, when he's allowed to orgasm, etc. And then rewarding him for compliance. I would imagine going from 0 to 60 right away could be jarring for her and reinforce her sense of not fitting into the new role.

I don't think she needs to stop being a kind caring sweetheart, and turn into some amalgamation of hardcore femdom porn actresses. Frankly, the kind of girl you describe is the sort I'd most enjoy exploring femdom with in the bedroom. Because she seems quite "innocent" by nature, even the slightest shift in power dynamics will be all the more noticeable. Its like at high school, nobody is surprised when the jock hooks up with the cheerleader. But when the cheerleader has a crush on the band camp nerd*, everyone is like "ohhh damn!"

*my knowledge of American high schools comes from American Pie movies🙄

[AmandaYVR]

Great advice 👍 P. S. I played 1st Flute and Piccolo. Generally a conservative bunch, but I was a rebel who sat one row back with my bff girlfriend at the time, a sax player, ha. You do have to keep your eye on the quiet ones 😘 They don't share their sheet music with just anyone, but they can cause quite a ruckus behind closed doors or when they think they can get away with it. I will definitely give this advice to my friend. It's very apt. She's going to have fun with it, I'm sure. She could ask him, but it's much better, coming as a surprise to him.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

I'd probably group myself as one of the "quiet ones", and can confirm we can be real little demons when it comes down to it 😈😈😈😅

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

For some reason i can totally picture you with your little piccolo getting into mischief like in an 80s high school movie 😅

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

And yeah she should surprise him, that way she'll get a more natural gauge of his reaction

[northerngal]

OK now this kills two birds with one stone but may not work given their relationship boundaries. It has both femdom and humiliation aspects. Maybe if she and he are brave introduce cuckolding. The senario is that he is not man enough for her and she needs a real man. So she ends up having sex with another man ( The bull) who is usually very hot and hung while he watches. You can see the humiliation aspect is easy. While she is being pleasured she gives a running commentary about how good the bull is and how terrible and unworthy he is. Pretty advance though.

[AmandaYVR]

heh heh. "Pretty advance though." This is well written, makes me chuckle. Yeah, they both are pretty new to this relationship, but have been with more than one person very recently, so I doubt they want to introduce that. They've got their hands full already. But thanks.

[northerngal]

Any time ☺

[nerdybutlazy]

I would say look up music that makes her feel powerful and sexy, that usually makes me feel really confident when I have to do things I'm a little shy about

[MrKinktastic]

1. How to get into this mindset
Make it a ritual, have a set routine to start a scene like having him strip and then kneel (this is also a good way to stall for time while you think of what to do next)
2. Names to call herself & him
That’s really up to them/their fantasies, good default ones are Mistress, Ma’am, Lady, etc.


2. Specific words & phrases to say; commands to give (he's into humiliation as well)
Make him keep one level lower than you at all times, if you stand he sits, you sit, he kneels, you kneel, he lays on the floor.
Calling him boy, slave, pet, etc., can all work, it depends what he’s into.


3. Actions to do
A simple bondage and rub and tug scene is a simple, easy scene to start with. Basically she uses his gear and straps him down or just use a two column tie to bind his wrists and tie it to the headboard. Just tying his hands or putting cuffs on helps, blindfolding him or hooding him can help disorientate him a bit.

[AmandaYVR]

Great advice 👌

[MrKinktastic]

Thank you :)

[MrKinktastic]

I hope the new lockdown in Yvr doesn’t have you down, just heard you guys got regional travel restricted. I’m in yyc so am watching you guys nervously from my little island lol

[AmandaYVR]

Aw thanks. Yeah things are getting worse. Very sad. Seems about two weeks after any type of holiday with gatherings, it spikes again. I'm not too unhappy, all things considered, but I do feel bad for my mum, haven't seen her all year. She's on the island next to us. I booked Christmas and told her I'll get over there, regardless of what's happening. Hotel has been long booked. She loves Christmas. Give her some candles, twinkly lights, and hot comfort food and she's content.

[MrKinktastic]

Totally fair, family is key :)

[abc3643]

My advice: Don't bother.

Don't deviate away from who you are in sex because then it becomes work and sex needs to be fun and playful.

[AmandaYVR]

Really... work? Wow. She is very willing. She just says she's not sure how to get into this mindset. But they've been leading up to this since they first met. I'd be a little surprised if it went awry. (Aside from upping the ante so much that regular sex becomes too boring.) But these things are delicate, aren't they.

[abc3643]

I don't care how willing she is; it's work. THE MOMENT you deviate away from being selfish in sex is the moment it becomes work and not fun.

[abc3643]

She is naturally a sub as most women are. He is naturally a dom as most men are. That works for them and that's a good thing Anything away from that is them lying to themselves. And, once anyone has to lie to themselves while having sex, it's work and, in the long run, indicates a sexual chemistry incompatibility and either a sexually dull relationship if the couple is older or one that will end if the couple is young and sexually active.

[AmandaYVR]

Nope, you see variety and flexibility as deviation from the norm. I do not. Neither do either of them. They both want this. You sound rigid. And a perfect example of why I personally hate the dom/sub fixation/trend.

[abc3643]

I am not rigid. I am speaking from life experience and, if you are 47, then you should know better. (*) Nobody likes work. That's why work is called work and play is called play. That said, sure, let them have whatever fun they want in whatever way they want. That can't be harmful. I am simply saying that, in the long run, this won't work for them which is why I wrote "Don't bother" to begin with. (*) I'm not trying to pick on you. I am coming somewhat from the perspective of Spock in the Star Trek episode "Court Martial". Spock has taken the witness stand during the court martial of Captain Kirk. Spock is about to defend Kirk. Spock says that people are no different than inanimate objects in that they have properties and characteristics which define them and how they operate. He goes on to say "Gentlemen. If I let go of a hammer on a planet with positive gravity, I need not see it fall to know that it has, in fact, fallen." Spock's point is that he didn't need to see Kirk's actions to know that Kirk would not have done what he was being accused of. My point in this is that, with life experience, you can see patterns and learn essential truisms of human nature. One such truism is that sacrifice during sex by not being who you are will lead to unsatisfying sex because much of sex is purely selfish.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

Just go to pornhub and look up Femdom Empire, their videos are a little extreme for my tastes, but good for the vocal queue's and general aspect and atmosphere type answers you are looking for.

[AmandaYVR]

No. I'm not wading through that cesspool to get intel. It's better this way. Most porn is nasty, in my opinion. Takes too long to find stuff I like.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

Fair enough, but I've been living in that lifestyle for about 7 years, and there's a huge amount of nuance in the play that you only get from watching others either at clubs that have femdom nights or viewing porn to see what you like or don't. Most people here honestly don't have the experience or maturity to offer realistic advice. Perhaps @purplepoppy is the one exception.

[AmandaYVR]

Well domination is definitely not my thing, I'm egalitarian/switch, so that's another reason I am not interested in perusing that niche, but I will definitely pass along this to my friend, thanks so much.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

SomeguynamedTom also had good advice :) I try not to engage in the details as much anymore because teens are on this site, but that "brand" I recommend has good quality stuff your friend might find useful :)

[0112358]

Does she find any of this arousing or is just willing to do it because she is open minded? If she finds anything about it hot she should use it.

[AmandaYVR]

Arousing. She's sort of an 80/20 sub right now, but much to explore. She's into it.

[I-have-a-biscuit]

Well I think it is 42

[AmandaYVR]

Douglas Adams 42?

[I-have-a-biscuit]

Huh... It seems 42 is yet again the answer to the universe and everything

[Makeushiver]

Well she probably knows this but it is safe to go from pussy to ass with body parts or toys but vice versa can give you an infection that could lead to septicemia. A good water resistant gel helps a lot when it comes to anal play, So does slow and get used to it not jamming everything up your ass at once, not news either but a reminder. A safe word is often a good idea when you're heavily into BDSM one that means no shit, stop now, I'm uncomfortable. How to get into mindset would probably best accomplished by watching some BDSM porn.
Some of the things I've dabbled in- pretty much the baby pool of BDSM is handcuffing - or silk ties to a 4 poster bed and getting her off over and over using vibrator tongue and whatever else. The intense sensitivity of her clit which often is too sensitive to go again right away can be used to get her off to the point where pleasure and pain become Yon Yang to each other. I've never been interested in the scatological games involving shit, I don't mind golden showers esp if its from squirting and carries a decent amount of her pussy juice with it. If handcuffs are being used get fur lined ones as it can be abrading w/o them. If I think of anyting else, I'll PS it

[Massageman]

Conceptually - - - - -
The dom has the harder time since the sub has set the limits (hopefully, with a safe word). So the dom has to act the role just up to the edge of that limit: she can intimidate with the banned object or action, she just has to find a creative way NOT to USE it!

Example- let's say they agree no electrical play. But, the dom has a static wand, slooooowly waves it maybe about 4-5 inches in front of his nose. "Do you know how 50,000 volts feels on your tongue, my panting little doggie?" But, just before she gets the wand close enough to his clothespin-clipped tongue to shock him, she "reconsiders" and might say, "No. Of course you don't. But you DO know how this paddle feels," whereupon she instantly whirls around and cracks him on the butt with a paddle she had hidden behind her.

The look
Use extreme make-up. Black corsets are nice. Masks are too.

Names are easy
- Mistress/slave. etc.

Tease and denial- talk and actions
"Your cock isn't even worth sucking. Shit- I can't even FIND that little twig."
Maybe if I water it, it might grow. (then squirt with ice-cold water from a squirt gun, spray bottle, etc)
Once you grab his penis, you could say, "Crap- I pull more than that out of my teeth after breakfast." or "The lint ball in my navel is bigger than this", then flop his penis down and slap his balls.

Insults
A thought would die of loneliness in that empty head of yours.
I'd take you in the back for an x-ray of your brain, but I know I wouldn't find ANYthing, so, let's check your other end.
(Reddit- and it's Roast me" feature - is a great source of insults! )

Actions
Rake a stiff plastic-bristle hairbrush over his nipples. If he complains or says ANYthing, then slap his ass with the brush or f- - k him with the handle.
Bondage, of course. Tie just above and beneath joints. Soft, cotton braid rope, 1/4" x 10' long, several pieces.
Keep running that riding crop under his chin to force him to hold up his head. If it falls, use the crop on his (always bare) ass or balls.
Spank him with a fly swatter- the electrical zapper kind!

Have fun, kiddies. Play nicely. Send pictures.

[AmandaYVR]

Very helpful, thank you!

[Massageman]

:- )

[Iron_Man]

Tell her to get married first

[NorthwestRider]

A whip
A strapon
Handcuffs/shackles
Ball gag

Lick my boots slave and Bend over slut/slave

Also look up music that makes someone feel powerful and kinky hehe

[AmandaYVR]

Yep, they've got all those toys. Need more phrases like that. Good idea.

[NorthwestRider]

They do have a Chasity belt?

[NorthwestRider]

She should dress him up like a girl hehe

[AmandaYVR]

Yes they do. That's a cock cage, right?

[NorthwestRider]

Yep it is Also she can keep him on a leash

[AmandaYVR]

Sounds good. I'll pass these along. I did the leash once, for a Halloween costume for my guy. It went over great with his work associates. Everybody loved it.

[Marco10]

This is my area of expertise. I’ll message you sometime soon with a good answer!

[Jamie05rhs]

I couldn't help you on that one. I'm not into that.

[Juxtapose]

1. How to get into this mindset: Practice in a comfortable environment and treat it like an acting role.

2. Names to call herself & him: Mistress & slave, Goddess & pet, etc. Master & bitch, etc.

2. Specific words & phrases to say;
commands to give (he's into humiliation as well): get him to eat his own sperm out of her vagina after nutting inside of her. Edge him, tell him he's a little faggot bitch, call him a failure as a human being, etc. Don't forget the aftercare where you shower them with affection.

3. Actions to do: Tie him up, roleplay as a crazy ex trying to blackmail him with impregnation, spank him, tickle him, make him look in between her toes while she says degrading things to him, etc.

Stay safe, stay sane & consensual, and get creative.

[Juxtapose]

*lick in between

[Pete671]

1. Mindset - starts with clothing imho, anything that implies authority, could be uniforms or maybe riding clothes whip a crop lol,,,

2. Names - Mistress always felt awkward to me, Madam or My Lady resonate better with me, similarly Slave feels awkward, and false, Bitch or Limpdick work better imho,,,

3. Words/phrases - Domme just give commands, if sub wants to speak it must raise it's hand first, and say "Madam please may I?" not "can I?",,,

4. Actions, SPH, give sub a hand job while telling him not to cum, when he does slap his face or cane his ass, spitting, make sub wear panties or women's inco pants, accuse him of masturbating without her permission, scold him for not polishing her shoes properly,,,

[AmandaYVR]

Helpful! Thank you.

[Dave31989]

Tell her to watch JOI porn, on pornhub. Really, just watch any porn but, yeah, especially JOI

[Valnac]

Sorry, not my thing!

[msc545]

They can't figure all this out on their own? Seriously?

[AmandaYVR]

She researches lots of stuff. But it's more fun to ask me and involve others. If the internet is not for crowd-sourcing and info, I don't know what it's for.

[msc545]

Good answer!!

[nothingtosee]

Have you ever asked, or suggested that you have a threesome with them? Then, you could be her sex coach for the night, giving her advice on what he should do next. She might really like having you as an audience and telling her what to do next.

[somethingcuter]

call him daddy thats really all she needs to do

[Anonymous]

Try ballbusting