I told him I will never give him a blowjob ever. Am I too harsh on him?

Anonymous

So I offered my boyfriend a bj after I went down on him he became more aggressive and he started facef**king me I couldn't handle it and tried to free myself but ended vomiting a little on him. He tried to apologise but I didn't accept it. I told him that I will not give him a bj ever he thinks I'm too harsh on him , what do you think? Should I forgive him? Or let him learn his lesson?

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Most Helpful Guys

rjroy3 Guru
+1 y
You were 100% justified and he should definitely feel the pain from this. But I do think you should forgive him in the long run for the sake of your relationship. He just needs to know that inconsiderate bullshit like that is not ok. It's worse than not giving a warning, when you're about to cum. Like: Whoops, cum on your face and mouth and I didn't ask if you were even down for that...
1 0 0 0
- rjroy3
  +1 y
  To sum. Saying never again: too harsh. Saying you're not giving head for a long while because of this: *thumbs up*. He just straight up didn't take your wants into consideration.
- Asker
  +1 y
  I'm not planning to cut him off for life just enough for him to realise that what he did hurt me
- rjroy3
  +1 y
  If I were him I would feel guilty and understand. I'd also want to know it's not a forever thing tho. So definitely talk to him about that
ak666 Editor
+1 y
I think it's okay for a while as long as you *both* avoid oral sex on each other.

There are a lot of girls out there who like it kind of on the rough side. It seems like he made an honest mistake there in thinking you were one of them.

That said, if you feel uncomfortable, I think it's okay as long as you both don't expect oral sex from each other for a while.
1 0 1 0
- ak666
  +1 y
  For me I was sometimes traumatized by very smelly vaginas when going down. I didn't expect an apology but was still traumatized a bit. So I avoided going down on those girls who had very smelly vaginas, but to be fair I didn't expect any blowjobs in return.
- Asker
  +1 y
  I'm expecting that to be honest, but he needs to know that ehat he did is not something i will tolerate.
- ak666
  +1 y
  For that it's generally best to communicate. Using a punishment and reward system to try to "train" your partner often turns you into an authority figure which leads to a very lopsided relationship and one that is usually not going to last. If you feel traumatized by the experience you can avoid blowjobs more by expressing to him that you're scared of that happening again instead of trying to "teach him a lesson".
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- ak666
  +1 y
  For relationships it's often best to seek "positive outcome" instead of "fairness". It's because fairness is subjective. Both people in the relationship often come out feeling like they're being treated unfairly, and both could be right and both could be wrong. Healthy relationships seek "positive outcome" for the both of you with intimate communication instead of "fairness".
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  why both? he hurt her.
- ak666
  +1 y
  @SovereignessofVamps Was being somewhat rhetorical there, and also kinda goofy with the smelly vagina example. :-D I'm not looking at this like a judge in a courtroom deciding a verdict on what the couple should do. I'm just looking at what will likely happen. Sex is voluntary, so holding back on a partner will generally lead to the partner also holding back. It'll also tend to reduce the frequency in which sex happens. That's just a practical expectation out of this (not a fair one, just a practical one). It's why I generally suggest never to try to "teach your partner a lesson" in these contexts. Work things out, build mutual understanding and bonds. Or break up as some suggested.
- ak666
  +1 y
  @SovereignessofVamps From the guy's standpoint, imagine if she calmly and gently explains that she really didn't appreciate what he did and is a little bit afraid of giving blowjobs again for a while. He'll probably understand that and be patient. Now imagine instead that she takes that kind of approach of turning into an authority figure, no longer treating him like an equal partner but like a child who did something wrong and has to be grounded for weeks. The problem here is that he isn't a child. He's probably going to complain to his male buddies about the situation, explaining that he was too aggressive one time receiving a blowjob and apologized for it but now his girlfriend will never give him a BJ to teach him a lesson. The male buddies are probably going to say, "Dude, that's fucked up. You should get a new girl." Fairness is often very subjective. Couples who demand it will often have both people thinking they're being treated extremely unfairly.
- ak666
  +1 y
  ... couples who don't focus that hard on fairness and instead of positive outcomes and mutual bonding and understanding will often do much better. It's never a good idea to focus too much on fairness and start thinking about relationships in terms of punishment and reward. It should always be about what's best for the both of you.
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  he wasn't calm and gentle with her! I told her, she needs to get revenge. She could injure him, but I really think the best option is to tell him he has to give her oral for as long as she wants. Then, she can choke him using her legs, and sit on his face and be rough with *him*. He knew what he did with the bj thing. He should be willing to submit to her back.
- ak666
  +1 y
  @SovereignessofVamps That may very well be the fair solution, but for the health of the relationship, I often encourage not demanding fairness but seeking it cooperatively. It's a matter of approach as I see it. Relationships built around punishing each other for perceived injustices tend to just come out with both partners feeling like they were treated unfairly.
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  oh, yeah. she can make a very simple statement. He either has to let her or they're over. That's what I would say, after telling him off 1st.
- ak666
  +1 y
  @SovereignessofVamps If it's working towards break-up I think that's fine. It's just if it's not, I think the frame of view has to be towards bonding and boosting the health of the relationship. Fairness is a subjective thing. Everyone has their unique viewpoint on what is and isn't fair. Often when everyone demands fair treatment and uses punishment as the means to try to achieve it, it ends up backfiring for everyone involved. The closest thing to coming up with a fair solution is generally going to be one that revolves around building mutual understanding and sympathy, if not empathy, for each other.
- ak666
  +1 y
  @SovereignessofVamps To me the signs of an unhealthy relationship would be things like punishments for bad behavior, ultimatums, and confrontations. To me the signs of a healthy relationship would be building up mutual understanding, cooperating, inspiring the other to treat you more fairly through this mutual understanding instead of demanding it or coercing it. It's why I emphasize that I don't want to be a "judge" residing over this situation, because trying to build a relationship on some perceived notion of "justice" is generally doomed to fail. If the boyfriend is made to understand how badly he made her feel in a way where he can truly sympathize, chances are that he'll make it up to her in a very fair kind of way without demanding it.
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  depends on the kind of guy he is. If it was me, he'd have to let me be rough with him back no matter what. That is being fair.
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  and if it was vice versa I'd feel fine... like if he was licking me and I hurt him because I grabbed him too hard. He could give me a rough bj back. I might even suggest it if I had been really rough. I mean asker's boyfriend made her *vomit*.
- ak666
  +1 y
  @SovereignessofVamps >> That is being fair. My emphasis is really away from "fairness". When I told the asker she might not be able to expect much sexuality activity as a result of her punishment to him, I wasn't saying she was being unfair or anything like that. I'm saying "expect" in the sense of the practical outcome she might expect, even if it's totally unfair. I'm not casting a judgement at all. I'm just saying that approaches that involve threats, confrontations, punishments, and ultimatums to try to demand fairness in a relationship often backfire. Trying to achieve it through bonding, communication, and mutual understanding often make both partners very happy and feel like they're being treated much more fairly. *Mutual understanding* is something to emphasize here. It seems like this entire incident revolved from the lack of it. Couples should strive to communicate upfront in the bedroom to figure out what they like/hate. Too many young guys [...]
- ak666
  +1 y
  [...] try to just achieve this by guesswork by trying things with a girl and seeing if she likes it or hates it. It's such an inefficient process and one that could seriously make the girl uncomfortable (as in this case) when he's just blindly guessing what she likes. The solution for all of this is communication and building mutual understanding. Upfront would have been better, but it's not too late to start doing it if the desire is a healthier relationship.
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  I agree young guys and guys can be a trip.
- ak666
  +1 y
  @SovereignessofVamps The way I'm looking at it is that he might be genuinely sorry, he's an idiot, but now he has a girlfriend who never gives blowjobs and has turned into an intimidating figure who is trying to punish him all the time now. He might just end up ditching her for another girl and that would be incredibly unfair to her when she was put in this very submissive and uncomfortable situation only for that experience to leave her without a boyfriend (unless she doesn't mind and thinks good riddance and can just find another guy as well). So it's why I suggest not focusing on "fairness" so much as positive outcome, mutual understanding, gentle communication, things of this sort. It's actually often the key to fair treatment between two lovers. No one can force the guy to do anything in this context. His best chance of treating her very fairly is when he feels warmly enough and cares enough about her to do so.
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  we don't know him or his personality irl, so it's hard to say...
- ak666
  +1 y
  @SovereignessofVamps For sure. But one key theme I often want to bring up in so many social situations is that "fairness" probably one of the most destructive forces in society when it is demanded aggressively rather than sought out peacefully and cooperatively. Men perceive unfair treatment, women perceive unfair treatment, black people, white people, two quarreling lovers -- everyone thinks they're being treated unfairly! And when they start taking hostile and aggressive actions to demand fairness, what tends to happen is that rifts form which further divide people and damage these causes even more. It creates division instead of unity, strife instead of cooperation. Only chance at a healthy relationship in my opinion is a cooperative one, and sometimes that requires absorbing perceived slights, sometimes that requires taking a gentle action when everything in our being wants to take a hostile one, etc.
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  ... he should have respected her enough to ask b4 doing something like that.
- ak666
  +1 y
  @SovereignessofVamps That's very true, and if the perception is that the relationship is hopeless in that sense, I'd suggest break-up right away. To me all the advice leading towards punishments and ultimatums and threats and confrontations might as well skip all that and just go straight for the break-up. My suggestions for a more peaceful and cooperative approach only apply if the desire is not to break up.
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  I can't be gentle with someone who was mean to me, personally. I'd talk to him a lot more and tell him about my oral idea for me. If he really really really apologized, I'd drop punishing him.
- ak666
  +1 y
  @SovereignessofVamps I think some of this scenario is a matter of perception. There are some girls out there who get off on extremely dominant forms of sex. If I attempt to judge the situation, the guy might have just been idiotic and thought she might get off on it. It doesn't necessarily require a very disrespectful view to get very dominant and aggressive in the bedroom, just an extremely naive one if there's no communication upfront. So I'm kind of giving the guy the benefit of the doubt that he wasn't necessarily trying to be malicious or saw her in a very disrespectful way when he got very physically aggressive. He might have just been an idiot. Idiot is a bit more forgivable than someone who sees his girlfriend in a very poor light.
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  or he could have just been selfish. we don't know for sure. but plenty of guys are selfish in bed.
- ak666
  +1 y
  @SovereignessofVamps That's true. I don't know. I'm personally more of a gentle type in the bedroom. I'm dominant but I match better with submissive types of girls since I find with dominant girls, things get very aggressive. But I have dated some girls who really got off on very aggressive behavior -- pulling their hair, choking them, slapping their ass, things of this sort. It's why I might sympathize with the situation a bit more. Those girls actually made me uncomfortable where I'd try something and ask, "Are you sure this is okay?" since it's not in my nature to be sadistic (I'm dominant but not sadistic). It's hard to guess what a girl is going to like which is why I think guessing is pretty idiotic. But if it was simply idiotic, I don't feel like the guy is as bad as some might perceive him to be, especially if he apologized immediately.
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  yeah it's asker's Decison.

Most Helpful Girls

XRabbitHeartX Master
+1 y
If it was something he didn't realize will happen and a honest mistake I would forgive and let go. Some guys get in the moment and dont realize the consequences. It's something you need to communicate which you did. Now see if he changes his ways before making such decisions.
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PapersNorder Xper 2
+1 y
The aggressive face fucking BJ should never have been tried on a girl who is inexperienced forgive him but tell him he is a jerk and learn how to give BJ correctly without the aggression.
I like the aggression but I have learned to cope accordingly it takes a long time
0 0 0 0
menina Master
+1 y
I think you should let him learn his lesson.
He didn't ask you if you were okay with face f**king, so he shouldn't have do that.
He had no permission.
And I don't think you're being too harsh on him.
1 0 1 0
- menina
  +1 y
  Thank you for the MHO.
- Asker
  +1 y
  You're welcome
BellePepper Master
+1 y
I honestly don't think I'd bother dating him anymore.
5 3 0 1

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What Girls & Guys Said

16 25

karennn Explorer
+1 y
Sounds like a jerk. Its so important that with sexual activities, you both are comfortable doing what your doing. Otherwise, its selfish to be only thinking about your own pleasure and not your partner's. I'd cut him loose.
1 1 0 0
- karennn
  +1 y
  you're
Mydnite Xper 7
+1 y
hahaha that is the funniest thing i have read on this site! He should go down on you, then you face fuck him and he pukes on you. That'll show you! :)
1 1 1 0
- Yynow
  +1 y
  Harsh...
- anonman32
  +1 y
  yeah that would be fucking hot.
lumos Editor
+1 y
Ewww wtf. I'd break the fuck up.
1 0 0 0
Hopefuldreamer8 Yoda
+1 y
I'd say give him a chance again. If he does it again then don't ever do it again.
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jcoldstream Xper 7
+1 y
No. If that's how you feel, draw the line. Bring a girlfriend on dates to give him a sucking if he insists on one.
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JuicyCat04 Xper 5
+1 y
Dump him. Seriously. Instead of being grateful, he disrespected you. Leave that bastard. You did the right thing by not accepting the apology.

He has already proved he is a douche. 70% of the guys that don't seem like they are douches ARE douches, not to mention the ones that are ALREADY proving themselves as biggest ASSHOLES.
1 0 0 0
mikemx55 Yoda
+1 y
Maybe too harsh. It was bad from his side, but in the heat of the moment, the man couldn't control himself. No need to ban things forever lol.

Just let him know you're not into face fucking. But don't expect him to just lie there like a dead fish. If it feels good, he will twitch himself and can even thrust at you involuntarily.
1 0 4 1
- Asker
  +1 y
  Honestly I will not ban it for ever but for a while for him to know that this kind of behaviour I'm not easy with.
SovereignessofVamps Influencer
+1 y
You should break up. Or pretend to accept his apology, and then get revenge when you give him another bj.
0 1 0 0
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  tell him to let you facefuck him and that he has to go down on you for however long you want. You can sit on top of his face and also choke him using your legs.
- Asker
  +1 y
  You mean bite him... I'm considering that 😼
- Asker
  +1 y
  It's not the same how I can chock him as he did , after all I don't have a pen is.
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- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  yes, you could bite him. But I think making him submit to you is better. You could google facesitting porn to get ideas.
performerwannabe Yoda
+1 y
Let him learn his lesson.
0 0 0 0
ThisDudeHere Master
+1 y
Give him just one more chance but tell him there is no way he can repeat what he did.
0 0 0 0
Dober198504 Xper 2
+1 y
No you are not being too harsh he disrespected you and in a way he raped you if you try to free yourself and he stopped you that is rape what you need to do is dump him right away and never talk to him again
2 0 0 1
- Asker
  +1 y
  Generally he is kind I'm not considering dumping him over this.
- Dober198504
  +1 y
  If you love him then stay with him and if he is truly sorry for doing it he will show you
GiftShop Xper 7
+1 y
Hold off on it for a bit and let him learn his lesson. He needs boundaries.
0 0 0 0
Kaylyne Guru
+1 y
I would be giving him the Heave Ho by now.
2 1 0 0
jennwhite Xper 4
+1 y
I think he needs to realize what you feel comfortable doing. If you don't feel safe giving him head anymore than that's fine and he should accept it.
1 0 0 0
Sexualchrist Guru
+1 y
Too harsh
0 1 2 0
- Asker
  +1 y
  Why?
- Sexualchrist
  +1 y
  Just is
vampireelf Yoda
+1 y
I would say no more blowjobs for him.
2 0 0 0
Fearless_banana Yoda
+1 y
Lmfao. Stop getting all butthurt. The dude just got all alpha on you.
0 1 4 0
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  could you handle this? she vomited.
- Fearless_banana
  +1 y
  @SovereignessofVamps She said a little. it happens sometimes
- SovereignessofVamps
  +1 y
  he can control himself. I told asker, she should tell him that the only way he'll ever get a bj again, is if he lets her facefuck him back. And he has to go down on her for however long she wants. Then, she can sit on top of his face and also choke him using her legs.
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- Asker
  +1 y
  You brag all the time that you went down on some dude here after you work out... you seem the expert here... ever chocked from an alpha trying to shove his cock all the way down your throat? ? how did you handle it?
fuqthegovt Xper 5
+1 y
Damn, he's a rough one that has taken 1 too many pornos seriously. Yeah maybe try it one more time and then don't do that anymore if he insists on trying his best to choke you to death with his cock every time. Personally I'm happier than a pig in slop if they just keep sucking while I'm coming (no need for me to try to poke my cock through the back of their head).
0 0 0 0
- Asker
  +1 y
  Yeah he is always on the rougher side I don't know maybe porno effect.
AhGojira Yoda
+1 y
If you want to break up just do it. It's going there anyway.
0 0 0 0
Letmetellyouaboutit Xper 3
+1 y
How about finding a new boyfriend who appreciates your blowjobs and lets you enjoy them without hurting you? A man should just lay back and let a girl have fun sucking his cock. And when he is ready to spurt, politely warn her so she can be ready for the flood of warm and gooey sperm she is about to eat. Face fucking is fine but only if the girl requests it.
2 0 0 0
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