Sexual Relationships
+1 y

My boyfriend can't orgasm?

Well, kinda awkward to not be going anonymous. But here goes-

At long last, I have indeed lost my virginity to my current boyfriend. We have a fantastic sex life, and to clear all suspicions, yes, he is very attracted to me. He has NO problem getting it up (quite the opposite). He's not gay. And I am his first sexual partner.
However, during both oral and penetrative sex, he either 1) doesn't orgasm, or 2) takes upwards of an HOUR. During masturbation, he takes about 30 minutes, 15+ if I'm there. This is definitely a sexual-encounters only problem.
I've talked to my friends (with his permission), who don't see an issue- "why are you complaining? He lasts TWO HOURS in bed. What a dream!". Its exhausting after 30 minutes. there's only so many positions, and so many minutes, and it also makes me feel insecure, though I know its not my fault.

My boyfriend can't orgasm?


He also comes from very abusive past relationships. Whats the issue, and how can I help him get over this?
Updates:
+1 y
This is NOT porn related. He doesn't watch porn, never really has. Finds it cheesy, and unrealistic, and overall kinda gross. No, this is not just "what he tells me". I wouldn't give a shit if he watched porn, and I know my SO.
2 5

Most Helpful Guys

  • This is simply how HE is.

    I've never been abused in any way, but I tend to take quite a bit longer than average to orgasm (20-30 minutes usually, sometimes more or not at all), and it has zero to do with the woman I'm with - it's just how I've always been. It's my "normal", just as some guys can barely last 30 seconds, and have ALWAYS been that way. That's THEIR "normal."

    Now, the abuse is probably a factor too, and your guy CAN learn, with patience and practice, to cum sooner, but realistically, if he eventually achieves a 50% reduction in time, he's made amazing progress and you probably shouldn't expect more.

    What you DO need to do is have frank discussions with him. Tell him that sex with him is WONDERFUL and amazing and that you love him, but that your body just can't take more than about 30 minutes of penetration. Tell him that you're willing to other things to get him there (BJs, HJs, strip tease, whatever) and/or that if HE prefers to just stop, that's okay too, but that you are ALSO willing to work WITH him to help him learn to cum sooner, so that you can both enjoy that together eventually. Let him know that YOU know that it's not something that's likely to change overnight, but if he's willing to make an effort, so are you. Let him know that it's not his "fault" and there's no blame here - it's simply a condition that you'd both benefit from changing, and you're willing to help make that happen if he is.

    Most guys are fine to talk about this stuff as long as you eliminate any anger or blame or failure, and simply acknowledge the issue and focus on finding a solution. It will probably even bring you closer together, and it will certainly teach you the value of being open and honest in a relationship.

  • This could be either mental or physical.

    I'd work on the mental side of it first. There are a number of factors that would seem to point to this being a case of him just 'finding his groove', so to speak. He's new to this, and it's a very different game to masturbation. He's probably read up on stuff that's suggested that when a guy is new to this, the usual problem, if there is one, is premature ejaculation, not being able to get it up etc. That in itself might be pushing him towards keeping his mind 'somewhere else', to ensure that neither of those things happen.

    Also, sex feels significantly different to masturbation, and that in itself could just be something he's adjusting to. I wouldn't rule that out. I think you already mentioned you'd asked him not to masturbate for a few days prior to next time you have sex, and that's certainly the first thing I think he should try, too.

    Assuming it's not mental, there are certain prescription drugs that cause this sort of thing to happen, and presumably there are natural conditions that can, too. If there's no improvement, I think he should consider speaking to a doctor, as it's something they'll certainly have encountered before, and be able to help with.

    • Thanks for MHO, and good luck!

Most Helpful Girls

  • personally, it would be best to stick with one position and have him go until he finishes.

    every time you stop to change positions, he has a chance to "cool down"...

    and yes, most girls would love a guy that can last that long, but we do get sore after a while.

    it might be time to see a Urologist to see if he has any physical problems interfering with his ability to orgasm.

  • It can be difficult to concentrate and find the right groove when you're new at this.

    Give it time.

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What Girls & Guys Said

3 39

  • It sounds to me like you could really use a good couple's therapist if he's worth the investment. He needs some one on one therapy IMHO but that'll come it the couples' session.

  • Some important things to consider are: Is he on any medications? Some meds (such as a few for anxiety/depression) can cause anorgasmia (inability, or great difficulty, reaching orgasm despite significant time/effort/stimulation).

    One’s Automatic Nervous System (Constituted by the Sympathetic Nervous System—SNS, and the ParaSympathetic Nervous System—PSNS) is significantly involved. It takes one’s PSNS to attain/maintain an erection (and too much SNS activity can interfere with this), but it takes one’s SNS responses to ejaculate.

    As most have shared, be supportive, it’s not you, and do what you can to assist/take any pressure off.

  • Nothing that anyone here can really help with, except say that he needs to see some professional about the past abusive issues, in whatever ways. Pretty sure that is the problem.

  • Could it also be stress or tiredness?
    It happened to me, for exactly those reasons.
    My girlfriend freaking out and guilt tripping me into it didn't help.

    • Stress, maybe. Definitely not forced, as he's the aggressor and truly loves sex. he's just as confused on why he doesn't cum.

    • Maybe it's just his biology? Generally I don't orgasm more than one or two times, sometimes I don't climax at all but still enjoy it. Although in my case my girlfriend is generally the aggressor and I have lower drive (you are free to call this weird or unmanly) I still enjoy it. If he's okay with it, please don't blame yourself or put pressure on yourself and him, it will only make it worse. If he's confused about it, he could see a specialist.

  • Oof.

  • Try jerking him off. That helps a lot of guys relax and they are better able to cum when they are inside you.

  • Take a break from having sex with him if he is on anti depressants they r more then likely Killing his sperm bank , so his body isn't producing sperm like normal , make him wait like a Week , play a little hard. to get , make him crave u , after a Week have sex with him again and see of that changes anything

    • Like I said, he was a virgin so he went 22 years without sex. It’s not a break from it. He’s not on antidepressants

    • Then something is wrong with him then , maybe he should go see a doctor if he isn't producing sperm , might be something medicali

    • He produces sperm- he cums during masturbation and after long periods of sex

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  • Might be addicted to porn

    • Thank you, but he doesnt/rarely watches porn- finds it unrealistic, and prefers photos/videos of me.

    • He says

    • Update. Have fun with that thought

    • Show All

  • I am constantly surprised by how cool you actually seem IRL. Props. 👍🏼👊🏼.

    I had this same exact problem as your boyfriend when I lost my virginity. I’ll tell it to you straight. He masturbates with a tight ass grip and has desensitized his penis from rubbing too hard. I kid you not, there is no other explanation.

    The girl I was with was 18 and a freshman in college. No way she was loose. It’s just that when you’ve been masturbating for so long, as a guy, eventually a vagina just isn’t that stimulating. That’s why I believe if guys don’t have sex as teenagers they change and their brain requires itself to expect sex to feel like a squeezing hand, with huge biceps no less. this is called ‘death grip syndrome’ in the male world. I strongly suggest he tries a 60 day no fap, hardmode. Which means, no touching the dick for 60 days. No masturbation, no sex. I guarantee this will work.

    • Haha thanks, but how does this make me cool? And yeah, I actually asked him to stop masturbating. Although I did ask if sex feels better than masturbation, and he laughed and was like “fuck yeah, are you kidding me?” So I have no clue

    • Think about it. Not saying he doesn’t like it better. But he would probably never say something like that to your face anyway. In my opinion, sex is better but only if you can feel something which can only happen if the penis isn’t numb. Also, you’re a pretty attractive looking woman so he may just be turned on by the sight of you naked if not anything else. That alone would make it better than masturbation even if his penis was totally numb as well.

      And it makes you cool because you came on the site and asked without being anonymous, and your boyfriend is a virgin. All of that is cool. And you didn’t know what he looked like in the beginning, and still liked him — also cool.

      Tbh, I wish something like this happened to me when I was 22. I did meet some amazing women back then but my fear of intimacy prevented me from dating them, or being sexual in any way. I literally had to force myself at 23 and it was nerve racking. Then I couldn’t finish and she was obviously hurt because she thought she was ugly. It was kind of a disaster.

      But anyway, he needs to do no fap. There’s a whole online community of young men struggling from this same phenomena. He can check out the link here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php

      After like 3 weeks of zero orgasms he will be uncontrollably horny. TRUST ME. If you can wait that long, his load will be huge too. The testes will produce sperm and build up a load in a scrotum. Eventually it will be offloaded into the prostate when it fills up. Over these weeks the skin on the penis will begin to heal and soften. Feeling will come back and his free testosterone levels will increase as he isn’t ejaculating.

    • Yeah, thats what we're currently doing, thank you.

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  • well if you are his first partner to have sexual intercourse with then it might be the reason, I've heard the first time usually people either cum fast or they dont cum at all or take very long to do so, either that or maybe he feels uncomfortable which I don't know, i dont know him but i doubt it, maybe its just taking time to get used to all this and i think eventually he will come around and ejaculate at the normal pace

  • Taking a really long time to orgasm is often a direct result of over usage of porn. A reset is often what is needed. I would suggest looking into this, and not from people who are desperate to defend their porn habit but from people who have actually studied this

    • Thank you, but he doesnt/rarely watches porn- finds it unrealistic, and prefers photos/videos of me.

    • Has he is historically?

    • I dont understand, could you rephrase? he's not a big porn guy, never has been, even before me.

    • Show All

  • "We have a fantastic sex life, and to clear all suspicions, yes, he is very attracted to me. He has NO problem getting it up (quite the opposite). He's not gay. And I am his first sexual partner."

    Lmao where the hell did all that come from?
    I mean I troubleshoot in my questions but that was.. random.

    Guy probably just takes a while to orgasm in general.

    You said it takes him 30 minutes on his own.. then you claim it's a sexual-encounters only problem.

    No.. 30 minutes is not normal for a guy (can't say if it's the same for girls for fairly obvious reasons).

    Usually it's about 10-15 minutes if we're being real efficient about it.

    • Did a bit of googling before GaG- typically if you present an issue like this, the internet assumes 1. he's not attracted to you, 2. Has a problem getting it up, or 3. The sex sucks. Felt the need to get the redundant parts out of the way. Ehh, I think there's taking a while to orgasm, and then there's hour and a half, and then resting for thirty minutes and going again.

  • You have word for word described me. Not joking.

    When I first time I had sex I fucked the girl for two hours before she gave up and she was completely understanding.

    It’s come to a point 2 years later that I cum about 20-30 in sex which is still porn star level.

    Is it a great thing? No it fucking sucks for me and the other. Thought it is getting better.

    There are two reasons, the first one is porn. Porn hardwires you to orgasm from unreal sex from a monitor so to him sex is still new.

    The second is, You’ve mentioned he comes from abuse so he has a lot in it. I can relate to this too.

    I won’t say more publically.

    • Apologies for the bad English. It’s 5am in the uk and I didn’t proof read

    • He doesn't watch porn:/ Finds it unrealistic and cheap. But yeah, I think its past issues.

    • If he doesn’t then it’s unresolved trauma. You need to get him to open up about the wounds the past opened in him. This is difficult because firstly it’s him opening up and two because these might be uncomfortable for you. Like if it’s about he’s ex. I think he should see a therapist. But if you are willing to be non judgmental it will deepen your bond.

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  • Have him refrain from jerking off for a few days. Extend the foreplay out till he's going crazy. See if that helps

  • It's quite normal. Use lube. Get him To do more work.

  • too much fapping , his "tank" is completely empty

  • Haha doesn't really watch porn doesn't mean he doesn't watch porn.. lol 😂 he watches porn he just likes what he wants and what he doesn't. But there may or may not be an issue. This may be the way he is.. yes, two hours is a freaking long time to have sex. I don't even care to do it that long anymore the only I get. I would rather be a minute man.. lol.. but you should encourage him to go to a counselor about his past abusive relationship problems.

  • He was just nervous

  • You certainly could have gone anonymous. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO UNANONYMOUS

  • I can't fathom it.

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