Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health My boyfriend just dumped me because I changed my mind about having a threesome. Is this fair?
Anonymous
My boyfriend is insecure at the fact knowing that I had threesomes in my single life. I drunkenly told him we could have one, but a couple of days after, I realized I didn't want to share him with anyone else.
He was furious.
He feels I was dangling the carrot, which I didn't do on purpose. I was just drunk.
He's never had one before, and wanted to experience one with me, but I'm long done with that part of my life and I'm just happy to have met someone I really care about. He wasn't having any of it.
The conversation got heated, with him telling me I was being selfish, and with me telling him he's acting like a five year old. I told him he's only thinking about his feelings, and not my own. I'm sad and confused because I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest. I accept the fact he's a little angry, but it was literally a deal breaker, and he cut ties with me completely, even blocking me on social media.
I'm not going to let him manipulate me into having one so he can feel better. Did I make a mistake in letting him know about my history?
Updates:
+1 y
Technically we are still together, but he's still resentful and trying to guilt me into having one. I almost gave in by saying "never say never". Now reading everyone's comments is making me stick to my guns! Thank you for your support everyone. I give it one more day and if he hasn't dropped the subject I'm done.
+1 y
Well, he brought it up again and I've dumped him, officially. No turning back!
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What Girls & Guys Said
32 68While a 3some may be fun he should understand your wishes. We all have history and he has to get over it.
Thank you! He's really jealous and threatened that I got to do all this fun stuff.
Well we all grow up and he has to get over it. How is your sex life with hi now?
He did get over it, he dumped her to find someone who will do what he likes. Why is that so wrong? So she get what she wants, but he can't have what he wants? How is that fair?
@truthbeknown In this situation you are right and he is wrong and will have to get over it. If he continues to be an ass about it.. maybe it is time to move on and he can get use to jerking off for fun instead!
I dont think you did anything wrong. Whenever my boyfriend says something drunk I always reask the question sober. you're allowed to change your mind.
Well he clearly doesn't accept the fact that you have had threesomes in the past. And perhaps felt he could get even as long as he had one too. At the end of the day, you guys broke up because of your past. It was only a mistake because you didn't mean to tell him.
You should be happy you're not loosing your time with an asshole anymore !
He got all mad because you wrecked his once in a lifetime experience. Don't listen to all of that selfish and other nasty talk. He was just raging about it.
I think you shoudn't havae told him about these threesomes. Just trying to tease him huh? MEAN! :)
Would do for someone else who was not even a boyfriend, but wouldn't do for your boyfriend?
I wouldn't be furious, I'd be single. That. Very. Instant. Number deleted, name forgotten.
Because people change and <3 to experiment. I think her next boyfriend, should already have had threesomes himself in the past.
Like... let's say a friend told you, "Oh, you let our friend borrow 1K from you, but you won't give $1K to me?" We all have different circumstances.
It's totally different to have a threesome when you're single. Having a threesome within a relationship introduces a lot of very serious emotional complications. It changes the game entirely. So you're reacting to the idea that she was willing to do this for a random guy but not for a boyfriend, but you're overlooking the fact that it's actually a lot easier simpler (and therefore more fun and less risky) to have a threesome when you're single. That matters a lot.
@samhradh_leannan Don't care. I didn't say I was reasonable. I said that's how it is. And I know you'll want to pretend otherwise, but no woman who'd do that for a stranger would even slightly respect a man who's tolerate that fact in spite of her refusal to do it for him. Shit like this is why I don't date. More shit for the pigs who'll accept it to root in. You all enjoy each other.
That's insane.
@samhradh_leannan Yeah? Your new ex agrees. If that opinion makes one insane, what's that say about the woman wishing he wasn't an ex?
@samhradh_leannan He won't reply to me, so I don't think he means it!
@SovereignessofVamps thank you! I sewed my wild oats so that I wouldn't have to do that when I'm in a proper relationship
If that was directed at me, you're absolutely right. I neglected to take note of your age... Your sexuality was irrelevant no less than a decade ago. You may disregard everything I have said. It no longer applies to you.
She shouldn't have insulted you, but you still won't reply to me opinion owner.
It's fair to say that you are much better off without him.
I very strongly disagree with your point of view. Your mentality shouldn't be that relationships are disposable. It should be that relationships are fixable.
@alfonsosloan45 Sometimes they aren't fixable, though. It depends on how strong the foundation of the relationship was to begin with. Two mature, compassionate people who are willing to communicate a compromise to make their relationship work can probably almost always fix things. But in this situation, I see one person like that. And I see one person who is a selfish, manipulative brat who is possessed by his insecurities and only cares about getting what he wants.
you could sort-of call it a mistake, but a useful one. It allowed you to see, firsthand, how childish he can be. That's a good way to help get over someone you probably would have preferred not to be with in the first place, had you known.
I told him he needs to grow up and stop acting like a damn child. He didn't take that very well.
to your update: I wouldn't give him the chance to 'drop it.' Even if he stops talking about it, he's still going to resent you for it, probably forever. He's shown his true colors. They can't be unshown.
He is acting like a 5 year old. And if he has one 3-some, chances are he will want more and maybe other fun things that you might not want to be a part of.
So you are doing the right thing by saying no, and he can get lost.
Best to know this about him and his selfish ways than finding out later when you are more committed and maybe married...
Never let anyone push you into something you don't want to do!
Plenty of other guys out there that will be happy with you and respect you.
ew wth why would you have a threesome that is disgusting you shouldve kept that in the past, now he's always going to bring it up until you have a threesome which is disgraceful why would you let your boyfriend do that what is the point in the relationship then
I mean you are being a little unfair... but he can't force you to do what he wants so that's it
Irreconcilable differences equals break up
But of you made the right decisions, it just wasn't the same one. I think you should tell your next SO so that no one has a skeleton that could ruin everything later on.
Hmmm he seems to be the selfish one good thing he did you a favor and dumped you
She gets what she wants, but he doesn't? She is also being selfish. This why people break up. They want different things.
@truthbeknown - did u read her shitty long story? Hmmm so if my girlfriend had a history of orgys and gangbangs and now wants to settle and forget her past i should be mad because she won't share herself anymore to strangers so she's selfish ?
Not at all. People change over time, I totally agree he's only thinking about him. Next time just find a guy who's had threesomes himself, and so won't be jealous of you.
Edit: He's only thinking about himself
@Jrossetti Grammar nazi, why pick my post?
I think any guy who says otherwise, has the potential to be abusive honestly. Like if he feels entitled that much... that sounds possessive and could morph into more IMHO.
I'm grammar shaming, better than slut shaming
@Jrossetti If you slut shame you deserve to be insulted back. If you grammar shame... then I don't know. Just be ignored then.
No right or wrong answers here, just some poor judgement, and perhaps a certain lack of insight. He is being insensitive to your feelings and you to his. Perhaps the relationship was never meant to be. Give him a bit of time and he might come round, and if he does find a way to make it up to him.
The fact is you made a promise to fulfill a powerful fantasy that most if not all guys find irresistible and then yanked it away. You got his hopes up sky high then dropped him without a parachute. You must try to understand how bitterly disappointing that is for him.
The other thing you need to understand that whether he knows it or not he is reading your change of heart as a measure of your love for him. 'You did it with someone else, but not for me. You don't think much of me.' I can hear your protest that 'But I DO love him!' but that's not my point. I am talking about how you made him FEEL, and feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.
On one level he is being a bit churlish about it, and in an ideal world he should not be expecting you to do something you don't really want to do.
But there's another side to that, and it's about control. In rejecting you he's saying he's not about to be pushed around on your whims. For me a promise made is a promise kept and is not subject to arbitrary changes of mind. He probably feels the same way.
The flip side of that is that by the same ethic you cannot now give in, because that would swing the power dynamic of your relationship too far in his direction.
The days when we're not responsible for what we say or do while drunk are gone so the fact that you were pissed at the time does not get you off the hook. This is a bit extreme but what sympathy do you have for a guy who rapes you and denies responsibility because he was drunk at the time?
Speaking of booze there is truth to 'in vino veritas' and your willingness to do a 3some while drunk might be the real you. Just something to think about.
Again this is about feelings, not facts.
My bottom lin is 'I was just drunk' does not cut the mustard in this day and age.
Just noticed your final point about not letting him manipulate you. Fair enough, and goes to my point about the question of control.
At the end of the day the world is not fair so that's not the best way to put this. Was it a justified reason... maybe not but to him it was and all you can really do now is just move on. He has shown you his true colors and you dont want that kind of a man in your life so take this as a blessing of a lesson.
You are better off without him.
None of that is your fault. He's being a pissy cry baby because you changed your mind. He's allowed to be disappointed, but for that to be a deal breaker for him is pretty shitty. He should have accepted the fact that it's your choice and if you didn't want one, then he has no right to keep asking and throw a fit.
don't budge in to him
Well if you expect it be dropped by tomorrow you might as well break up now. I read through all the comments regarding this and there are a couple of constants that keep rising to the top. I will say this, it is a fact that women think differently than men and men think logically where women add emotions into it. The key is that neither of them are wrong or bad but you must be able to differentiate the two. Almost any man hearing this from their SO would take it personally that you were able to the ultimate fantasy most men dream of with other men but not him. I would take offense to that, but not to the extreme of ending a relationship and I wouldn't probably let it go and it would sit in the back of my head.
But there's the other end where he's not thinking on an emotional level, if not in the right state of mind, it could be absolutely devastating to see your SO pounding some other person. You both MUST be in agreement to do something like that. Emotionally I'd fucking kill the other person if they even touched my SO. Would I like a 3some of course if it's 2 women, but turn the tables hell no, so that is catering to my needs and not my SO, and that is being selfish. So I wouldn't break it up if he brings it up, but try to actually have a non heated talk, that won't happen right away mind you because this is still fresh. You both need a way to get on the same page, and only you and him can make that happen. If not, and this incident alone is enough to break you up, then you shouldn't even have a relationship with each other to begin with.
You made a mistake in telling him that you were open to having one. Obviously he is bitter about the fact that you got to experiment more in your youth while he never got that opportunity, so now that you got his hopes up of him finally getting to do it of course he was gonna be mad when you went a full 180 again when he was obviously looking forward to it a lot.
And I think it's "fair" for anyone to dump someone for whatever reason they seem fit, you just gotta consider if you'd even want to be in a relationship with someone who would dump you over something that you think is ridiculous.
Maybe he felt like you were selfish or hypocritical since you had done that stuff yourself but denied him of the possibility and that's why he dumped you. Maybe he just felt unfulfilled and decided that he should find someone else who is more open to stuff like that, I really don't know.
He told me I was being selfish that I wasn't willing to share that with him. But I am not interested in sharing someone I love with another woman. Maybe that is selfish of me, but I just want a normal platonic relationship. Like I said I was drunk so I didn't really mean it, but he certainly thought I did and that's where I screwed up. I just didn't think something like that would end us.
I can totally understand your perspective (other than what you said when you were drunk) I wouldn't want to have a threesome with someone I was dating cause I don't want to share them with anyone. But I also can kinda understand his perspective too. I think you two just weren't meant for each other.