My boyfriend put in no effort to make my first time having sex special and I’m still hurt about it. Is there a point in telling him a year later?

[Allie345]

My boyfriend (27) and I (23) have been together for almost a year and a half.

I lost my virginity to him three months after we started dating (he had one girlfriend before me and had had sex with her). It was bad. He had asked me a couple days prior if he should get anything special for our first time and I told him to surprise me. He knew how big of a deal losing my virginity was to me. On the day of, there was nothing romantic. We got home late after I met his family and had sex. He didn’t get anything special; there was next to no foreplay; he didn’t ask me how I was feeling at any point. I could barely process what was happening and he finished quickly and rolled over and went to sleep. The process from when we got home to when he went to sleep was maybe ten minutes. I cried myself to sleep. There was nothing special about the night and I just felt used.

This was over a year ago. My relationship with my boyfriend is wonderful and we love each other so much. Our sex life now is amazing. But sometimes I think back to that first time and I’m still hurt by it. It makes me so sad.

I don’t know if I should tell him about how our first time made me feel. We always tell each other our feelings and have great communication now, but I don’t know if there is a point in telling him anymore. I would only make him sad and it has already passed— our sex life now is great so there’s nothing to change. But at the same time, thinking about our first time together still tears me up inside. What should I do?

[SueShe]

Let your demons sleep and don't say anything.

It may make you feel better on the spot but deep inside, it will not change anything. What is done is done and the past cannot be changed anyway. You may not even like the way he reacts because for him, it was perhaps nothing special since it was not the first time for him.

He did not understand the importance for you and telling him after so many months may not even trigger the reaction that you are hoping for.

I guess that it is an adventure that a great number of girls are faced with and have to bear the disappointment for the rest of their life.

Ask yourself: What am I trying to achieve by telling him? If you think that you are definitely able to get over this bad memory once and for all, then ask him but I am almost certain that you would be disappointed by his reaction and it would only hurt you even more.

[FocusOfSuspicion]

Well, I don’t know how special your first time is supposed to be. I’ve heard it’s usually awkward and painful and not particularly enjoyable.

If he’d gotten you roses I can’t imagine it would’ve gone any better. It’s important to be in tune with your partners emotions because sex is an emotional act as well. But while he has more experience than you, it doesn’t sound like he really had all that much either. I think, unless you continue to feel this way in your ongoing relationship, that you should try to forgive him for his inexperience. I don’t know if his ex was a virgin, but you could’ve been the first girl who lost her virginity to him. And that could’ve been something he wasn’t prepared for.

[nycres]

It's clearly bothering you, so I would find a time to talk to him about it.

Otherwise, I fear it may come spilling out during an argument, which would be awful for both of you.

Just tell him how you feel. Remember, he may not have thought about that night since, so this could blindside him. Try not to pressure him for an explanation or apology -- give him space to process it.

If he reacts defensively, DON'T apologize for bringing the subject up. You have every right to speak up about something that has hurt you.

Just getting it off your chest should help you feel better. If you end up getting an apology from him, either right away or later, that's just icing on the cake.

I'm glad the sex has been much better since then.

[Drakkith]

That's a tough question to answer. How bad does it bother you? Would telling him make you feel any better? It's possible that telling him will make him think more about your feelings in the future, but it's also possible that it won't and will just hurt him.

One alternative is to wait until the topic of your first time gets brought up naturally in some conversation some time. Then it might not feel to him like you're just saying it to blame him.

[Avicenna]

I wouldn't say anything about it at this point unless he's inconsiderate when you're having sex now.

[Iron_Man]

Go ahead and get it off your chest

[Hmmmbetternothere]

Hmm, see the catch 22. Maybe just know us men are not wired to remembering importance of events and deep feelings as the opposite sex is. We may remember event, but not in the same way or vividness it was for you personally. We tend to forget how important that was to you personally. Perhaps hint he owes you a little more next date night then mention slightly hurt by anniversary night sex. Hope this helps! Tricky one if he sensitive type tho. See your point, too.

[Board_Tennis77]

Omg 😦