My friend is having an affair, do I tell her husband?

My friend is having an affair, do I tell her husband?

I've just been for coffee with my friend and she said she's been sleeping with a work colleague. She said her and her husband haven't had sex for months and it's purely physical with this colleague. I'm very close with both her and her husband so I'm in a difficult position here! They have a child and she said she will end it once the thrill is over but that seems a bit off with me and who knows how long that will last? Also feels risky with it being someone she works with, won't be that easy to forget and move on when you work together right? I tried to convince her to talk with her husband to reignite their spark but she sounds like she has given up and at the moment he has no interest in sex. My husband has said to wait for a while and try talking to her more and convince her to do what's best for everyone and that I shouldn't rush in to anything, which is very logical advice! Any thoughts from you guys?

Updates:
11 mo
Thanks a lot for all the advice, it's really helped me a lot. I've decided to keep it to myself and just keep talking to my friend about doing the right thing for everyone involved. Thanks everyone!
1 3

Superb Opinion

  • Your female friend doesn't have a right to your silence. She has involved you in an immoral act and if you stay silent you are duplicitous as well, particularly as you are close to the betrayed party. Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas is the way it works.

    I was in a similar position and the equivalent of you told me the facts. I was asked me to respect her confidence. I can't tell you it didn't hurt like hell and that I did not want to shout out that her friend had told me but I respected that confidence. It was good that I knew in the end.

    Your solution of her re-igniting the spark doesn't address much address much. Babies do do bad things to sex lives and women tend to shut down sex in marriage anyway. The end result can be the husband is refused sex so much he simply ceases to see his wife as a sex object. The wife becomes more of a lump on the couch to walk around and so much like defacto sister he doesn't think of sex with her at all. There is a lot more on that but I'll leave it as I'll think you get the point and it's implications.

    The re-ignition is more of a solution to absolve your problem of having this problem forced upon you. For myself I would take the high moral ground because I am not going to tolerate my moral integrity being compromised. I might say if you don't tell the truth then you force me to.

    But my moral integrity is just mine. I think I have just made your situation more difficult, apologies for that but I call it as I see it.

Most Helpful Guy

  • not your place to tell him, it's your place to tell her to tell him or order them both to therapy. you could talk to them, if you do, about issues in their relationship. obviously something is wrong. that can be done by talking about yourself... how you had to do work on relationships... giving an opening.

    I wouldn't tattle tale, but it puts you in a bad place and you may have to back away from both.

    Alan Greenspan knew the market was going to crash in 2008 but didn't tell everyone.

    this marriage is going to bomb unless they do something about it.

    This is one of the problems with m/f working together.

    You could buy her a burka as a present to wear around, see how that flies... works for the muslims?

    good luck.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Best to mind your buisness. You can have your say if you want to her on the matter but only say it once and leave it.
    I was in a similar situation with a friend last year, I kept quiet about it but I've kind of moved away from her as a friend because of it and not out of moral disgust but because I don't want to be friends with someone who would betray the person who's supposed to be the most important person in the world to them, I mean If she can do that what's stopping her from betraying me or say sleeping with my husband I'd she could? Yes and I've heard the stories before such as my man had no intrest in sex, or he's abusive, or the sex is vanilla or whatever and these are just reasons cheating women will say to justify what they are doing to others when the reality is that they are doing it because they think they can get away with it or just have no moral values. Either way I would not have this woman around me as a friend.

  • I understand how heart wrenching a major life changing secret can be to keep. Telling the husband will only make you feel better and destroy him. If you really feel the need and don't see it getting better, do it anonymously. Most big secrets are almost impossible to keep. He will probably find out eventually. My biggest concern would be keeping a friend who cheats on her husband in such a callous way with as little empathy as she seems to have for both men. Her side dude may not necessarily be happy either. I see cheating as an incredibly selfish thing to do. I wouldn't want a selfish friend.

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What Girls & Guys Said

8 28
  • It's probably a good idea just to leave it alone. Her husband will find out in do time anyway. People get sloppy when they cheat. If you say something to him about the affair, you're just going to be coming in between their marriage. People usually kill the messenger.

    Being that they hadn't had sex for months, that marriage is already over. Sex is part of a marriage. Your friend should probably file for divorce if she's going to keep this up, because things can get heated, and when crimes of passion take place, everyone gets hurt.

  • Yeah thats a bad situation to be in.

    if it were me id stay out of it, but doesn't hurt to hint a little. Dont loose 2 friends over it and i agree with your husband

    • Cheers Rob! Feels like a classic lose lose situation

    • No, u will win and her husband will win. She will get caught eventually… u wait and see!

  • I personally wouldn't. Your friend may never speak to you again. Her husband might want to have revenge sex with you. Also, it should be between your friend and her husband.

  • If she were my friend, I would be pretty pissed that she told me. She just put you in a very difficult/awkward situation.

    It's one thing to ask your opinion prior to her seeing the colleague, so you can maybe discuss the pro's and con's with her, but to tell you after the fact is like dropping a bomb. It seems pretty careless on her part.

    TBH I would have lost a lot of respect for her, not only for what she is doing to her husband, but how she got you involved on top of it.

  • Its none of your business.

  • It's your choice but it might be best to keep quiet. She confided in you, and she's not expecting you to tell her husband.

  • You don't need to tell it's her life let her enjoy.

  • Do it secretly. Leave a note somewhere where only the one you want to alert will find it.

  • I agree with your husband. Wait and keep your mouth shut. You don’t want to interfere in their marriage. Plus, who knows? He probably already knows. Besides, even though it’s wrong, you can’t tell a grown adult what to do.

  • I'm thinking your husband's advice is the same as what I'd give.

  • Yes, record her telling you that and show him immediately.

    • I'd make a terrible spy! I would fail at this scheme!

  • She sees her hubby as a beta male, you could probably tell your girlfriend to give her husband hints of opening up their relationship.

    I did that once before with a chic who had a boyfriend for many years. She said he was too passive and beta for her and wanted a dominant alpha like me. I told her to have her bring it up that they should open up the relationship and he could even sleep with other females if he wanted. The plan WORKED, and he even admitted he had fantasies of watching her get fuucked by other dudes. She became my F toy after that.

  • I wouldn't tell him. Let it come to light organically

    • Thats dumb, it puts him at risk.

  • He deserves to know

  • He's going to find out eventually. Just depends on how he will find out. It'll make it worse if it comes from someone else, which may ruin your friendship. Do you like him?

  • Best to mind your business.

  • Unless this cheater friend of yours is a ride or die type of friend then I would rat them out. There's no reason why you should respect a cheater besides being too invested in them to fuck up the relationship you have with them.

  • Do you really wanna be friends with a cheater? I wouldn’t. I was in a similar situation once. I unfriended the guy and got a mutual friend of the dude who was being cheated on to tell him the truth

  • Stay out of it.

  • I look at it this way that's between her husband and her. It's not between you her husband and her. You do not want to get in the middle of those two. You might create a rift between you and them for causing the big hoopla. She talks to you because she trusts you.

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