What makes a guy refuse free sex?

[LoveBuggy]

I Live with a guy who helped me through many bad things and he’s letting me stay with him without paying rent, in return he asked me to do chores and cook while he’s at work. I didn’t buy it! So I offered him sex but he refused and told me to not say these things for guys because they’ll try to use me & hurt me. I told him i’ve been there and I’m used to it, yet he said that I value more than what I think & he’ll help me see it. He said I’m pretty & sexy but he’s not gonna use me sexually because I live with him. It’s been 1 month and I still don’t understand.

[SomeRandomGuy89]

It's not because you offered him sex, it's why you offered it, and more importantly, from the place in which you offered it.

You said it yourself, and I'll paraphrase it so you can maybe understand his prospective...

"I've been used for sex before and been hurt by plenty of guys. I'm used to it. So It's okay if you do the same".

Believe it or not, sex is often not a mans primary motive. The thing men often value the most is being useful. If his objective is to help you through a rough spot, exploiting your situation for sex, is not very useful, now is it?

If you're sexually interested in him, any offer needs to come from a place of strength and not vulnerability. If you're not interested and you were just trying to pay him back for everything he's done, then get your shit together.

[LoveBuggy]

Oh my god! I never thought about it this way at all

[SomeRandomGuy89]

Now you have. Do better.

[LoveBuggy]

I will

[Luopio27]

This is a great answer.

[PositiveFlight]

It’s sad that we live in a world where this is a foreign concept for a girl. I’m sure he thinks you are beautiful and would love to have sex, it’s biologically normal. But this guy is one in a million by actually grounding himself and being respectful of you. He wants you to not have to use your body to owe him. That’s so rare nowadays but it’s the right thing to do. Accept it and let him be good to you. He might change his mind later if you and him decide that there is actual love and commitment, then of course making love is in order and right.

[LoveBuggy]

He would love someone like me?

[PositiveFlight]

Of course he could. Would you let him love you? You should trust him when he says you have value. Trust that he sees something in you that you don’t see yourself and start to find that value within yourself. You are a daughter of God. Of course you have great value. You deserve to be loved and respected just as much as any one else.

[PositiveFlight]

Do not let your past define you. Other guys may have used you and abused you. But that is a reflection on them. They are not good guys. But that doesn’t make you a bad person or unlovable. If anything, all the more that makes it so you should finally be loved and treated right, the way a girl should be treated. You have someone now who is willing to treat you correct while ignoring his own biological urges in order to practice that principle. Except and embrace something/someone good in your life.

[PositiveFlight]

*Accept* not except

[LoveBuggy]

That’s so touching and beautiful things to say. Thank you so much 😢

[PositiveFlight]

I will offer one more bit of perspective for you to consider. Sex can be either the most wonderful thing or the most destructive thing. If it’s being done to use and abuse you or to owe someone something, sex is then being used for the wrong reasons. The act itself isn’t bad, it’s the evil intentions for which a person wants to abuse the act. Sex is meant to be an act of pure love. Not as a controlling act, not as payment, and not as a selfish act. When sex is abused, it causes pain and resentment. On the other hand, when sex is done out of pure love and selflessness, it becomes much more intense. The desire for one another is much greater. It becomes a fulfilling act that causes never ending bliss and will put a smile on your face constantly. You feel loved and desired but highly respected by him. You both can’t wait to come back together and do it again and again because you are not objectifying each other or feeling like you owe each other. But rather because you are giving yourself to each other as the ultimate gift of love. Make it so that the next time you have sex, it is based out of pure love. Expect to be respected and loved. Except nothing less. What’s a whole other world of wonderful

[PositiveFlight]

You’re welcome sweetheart. I really wish for you to have the very best and to be happy in life. You deserve to be happy and loved and know that you mean something great to a man in your life. Just remember to learn to mean something great to you too. Value comes from within. Let him show you your value but remember, your value doesn’t come from him, it’s inherent within you already ❤️‍🩹

[LoveBuggy]

I never get to experience these things but what you said seems beautiful and more peaceful than the things I’ve been through.

[PositiveFlight]

The very best things in life are more difficult to achieve. It takes self discipline, determination, and self respect. But that’s all the more reason. Even though the most wonderful things to experience are harder to attain, they are worth it. You are worth it

[marrk]

This was so sweet and thoughtful and life giving.

[PositiveFlight]

@marrk Thank you so much 😊 . You are too kind and very sweet. I hope she finds the happiness and healing she deserves ❤️‍🩹

[marrk]

Me too! Have you ever thought of being a mentor of some sort?

[PositiveFlight]

@marrk I’ve been told this before. I like to help people on this topic. I’m certainly open to it

[marrk]

Seems like a sign 😊

[SueShe]

What is so difficult to understand that there are guys that have their dignity and that don't misuse others for their sole benefit?

What is so strange not to want to want to fornicate, not because it is free but because he is concerned about his wellbeing and health?

Why does everything in life always have to revolve around copulating?

Why is it that you cannot accept that people don't want to get into your pants? Do you feel insulted about that fact?

So you THINK that you are pretty and sexy. Does that automatically make you a desirable person?

Rather than to complain about him being a gentleman, why not praise him for not being like most other men?

[LoveBuggy]

Because I’ve been always sexually humiliated and had a horrible past and most guys help for wanting something in return which is sex. He is the first person to treat me like this which is nice and I’m wondering because I don’t know. Sorry but maybe you are used to good people around you always and this seems normal to you.

[SueShe]

I do apologize if my comment did offend you in any way. I do not let anyone tell me I am not worth anything and if anyone ever misused you, then you must defend yourself. Sexual humiliation is not something tolerable and you have to stand up for your dignity and self-esteem. Those that sexually humiliated you are the gangrene of society. This gentleman seems to have a little honor and not try to get into your pants. I know it is difficult but you have to learn to trust people. That does not mean that you should not be on your defensive. A lot of baby steps bring you just as far as a few huge leaps. Good luck.

[katiesmuff]

He has integrity

[peterrezeeek]

u sh*t up

[OlderAndWiser]

R - E - S - P - E - C - T. He is trying to help you to build self-estem. Are you interested?

[LoveBuggy]

I don’t have self respect?

[OlderAndWiser]

You don't want to do chores around the house so you offered him sex. That doesn't sound like self-respect.

[LoveBuggy]

No not true. I’ve been doing them since first day I came in his house and I never stopped. I offered him sex because I didn’t believe that he doesn’t want something like that in return from me and he kept saying no every time I bring sex. He gives me good things that I never had yet he doesn’t want that from me. It made me confused because no one treated me like this before. Yes maybe I don’t have self respect but I want to do good for him too yet I have nothing to offer but myself…

[OlderAndWiser]

I was responding to your comment, "in return he asked me to do chores and cook while he’s at work. I didn’t buy it!" You offer your time, your attention, your concern, and your caring. If you develop romantic feelings, then you talk about those feelings. There's nothing wrong with having sex if you want a relationship, but it's not how you repay a favor, and it is not what a gentleman expects.

[LoveBuggy]

I will do better. It’s not easy to change but I’ll try to be better girl.

[OlderAndWiser]

Do it for yourself. Become the person you think you should be!

[LoveBuggy]

Thank you so much

[summiter]

He is just being respectful of you and does not want to hurt you. If he wants sex he will let you know

[techgirl7]

Seriously? It means you found a rare good man that respects you. He doesn't want to just use you for sex. Take a cooking class if you want to feel like you're doing something useful to help out around the house. Go to college. Get a job to help out with the bills. You have no idea how lucky you are. I wish I had known a man like that 6 months ago when I left an abusive man. Nobody would let me stay with them unless I gave them sex and I didn't want to be used for that so I ended up spending $3k on motel rooms until I was able to get my own apartment.

[LoveBuggy]

You’re lucky to have your own life now and money

[Esleep]

That's the reality.. it must be mutually beneficial for most people, it's up to us to pick what we do for help

[spartan55]

What don't you understand? Sounds like he explained oit pretty well.

[Berethor]

Men tend to be more sexual than women, so it hard for a man to refuse sex, he an nice guy.

[Wish4UrB00ty]

Lol it means he really likes toys and respects you. And wants your sex to be meaningful not just a payment or a bargaining chip.

[SnowedIn]

He respects you and he's trying to keep your relationship business-like. Value that.

[LoveBuggy]

I see

[BCA6010]

It sounds like he explained himself more than adequately, and respectfully I might add. You shouldn't be so eager to make yourself a piece of meat.

[OfMiceandMen]

Guy has some awesome morals. He's not the type to take advantage of someone which is very unusual these days.

If you actually like him, you should let him know. He's one of the good guys.

[OfMiceandMen]

Once you get your feet back under you, get a job and start earning/contributing, he may reconsider, for now he doesn't feel comfortable having what most would consider the upper-hand on you.

[4ngelic]

the idea of having sex as payment is probably not attractive to him. not all dudes want every sex they can get even if it's morally like kinda grey. if you asked to fuck him just to fuck him he probably wouldn't have turned you down

[jshm2]

It isn't free sex, dumbass. He wants you to repay with labour and chores, not sex.

[MementoMori777]

A good mindset, morals, manners, knowing the rights and wrongs I guess

[Sixgunsound]

He has a conscience? It is possible for men to have those after all.

[Bricealan]

I think he is trying to be a gentleman, and not put you in a position of being "used" for sex. If you don't pay rent, and do things for him around the house/apartment while he works, that sounds like an amicable arrangement to me? I sure as hell would not think there is anything wrong with that arrangement, unless you know mere that we know?

[Agape93]

Good man. He values you for more than just sex, and cares enough about you to try and help you see what he sees about you. It's a good thing, take him up on that and it will open your eyes.

[AviatorTom]

He's a gentleman. Sex to him is meaningless without emotional attachment, and by declining, he shows ge respects you.

[RavVid]

Well you are living with him and if he starts having sex with you then you'll be converted into a live in girlfriend and maybe he doesn't want that.

Thanking him after you move out will probably result in different results.

[RealMarek]

It seems this man actually cares about you. As such, he does not want to use you or have his kindness repaid with sex. If he is attracted to you, I think he wants to be sure you feel the same way about him before having sex with you. Because of this, I would guess that he wants to see you recover from whatever difficulties and trauma you have been through before even considering a romantic relationship. From what you have revealed here, this guy really respects you and cares about you in a way that is rare.