Why do girls only want sex in relationships with me, but don't casually hookup with me? Why are boyfriend material guys not seen as hookup material?

[Anonymous]

I'm told that im a good looking awesome guy by girls, when im in a relationship i get consistent and satisfying sex but when i am single girls for some reason dont want to hookup with me casually and dont be friends with benefits with me, they rather date me and make me wait for a relationship for sex, sometimes a single guy that is a quality man just want a fling and doesn't want to wait months to have sex! Why do you girls do this, why do you not reward a 'quality boyfriend material' guy with casual sex while lesser quality guys you casually have flings with? Why do you girls curse boyfriend material guys cursed like this by making us wait? So backwards! Should I act like a lesser quality guy? Please help me understand!

[MrOracle]

It's simple: a highly-attractive, popular guy (which mostly means that he has a high level of confidence with women, and a "doesn't take crap from anyone" attitude - but also includes physical appearance to some degree) is going to have a ton of options, and probably makes use of those options to get laid a lot with many different women - which only makes him more confident with women.

But, while this guy is highly attractive to women, most women realize that they aren't going to "tame him" and make him monogamous or interested in a long-term relationship. So, they accept that, in order to get some attention from this guy, she's going to have to sacrifice her desire for a relationship. And while there are plenty of women who won't make such a sacrifice, there is no shortage of women who will.

For whatever reason, women don't find you that attractive - and that's probably more a personality/attitude thing than a looks thing, but again, looks are always a factor too. And because you aren't AS attractive (and by that, I don't mean you aren't attractive - you just aren't a 9 or 10 to most women), you lack the options with women that really attractive guys have. Thus, it's more realistic for women to expect a relationship with you, and to demand one before giving you sex.

It's a lot like a job - why does one doctor make $100,000 a year while a great neurosurgeon or plastic surgeon can make several million per year? The difference is that the latter spent extra time and effort focusing on developing those special skills - to the point of near perfection - and so they can demand a much higher price for their (more specialized) work than a GP family doctor can.

In the same way, some guys win the genetic lotto and are born with "model" good-looks, but other guys, who are physically a 6 or 7 at best, develop their confidence and attitude to become a 9 or 10 based on those aspects. You probably could do, but you'd be have to be willing to put in the work (which you probably aren't willing to do) and to change a good deal of your thinking and values (which you probably also aren't willing to do).

If you are hoping that women are going to change for you, you might as well forget it - it's like asking guys not to look at or pay attention to super-hot women. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself.

[Roostah]

Exactly. Women will always sleep and have no string attached/passionate pornstar sex with men they find highly attractive. While having ok mundane sex with guys for relationship. Just gotta deal.

[MrOracle]

@Roostah Or, you do the work and make the changes to become highly attractive - which, yes, not every guy has the natural ability to become, but most do, if they'd work at it and understand how women think and what women want.

[youngandhappy]

True.. I am the guy you mentioned.. all I truly want is one girl but I can't be tamed. When I get one I want another and another. Like I can't turn it off. . All I really want is 1 girl but I'm not boyfriend material because when I get girl , I just act more single.. more girls I get / sex the bigger my ego gets at some point the girl gives up when she sees I won't change

[pnl86]

I don't know what was more painful to read, some of the female responses, or your question.

First of all, you're setting up a false dichotomy in your mind. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you have to wait 1-2+ months before having sex with the person. Similarly, just because you're not in a relationship with a person doesn't mean you're going to have sex within the first fews hours or days from when you start interacting with the person.

Secondly, there are more guys "saying" they would like a casual relationship than there are guys who are "actually comfortable with" casual relationships. What many of these guys really mean is that they would like a relationship, just one that doesn't make them feel like some unattractive sexual loser.

Third, sex as a reward? Either you're a girl posting as a guy, or you're extremely insecure regarding how sexually attractive women find you as a man. I'm going to assume the latter. That's ok. All is not lost. It's something you can work on, but it starts with thinking critically about your emotional reasoning, challenging it, and adopting alternative thoughts that are more grounded and consistent with a purely objective reality.

Fourth, most girls neither want, nor are they comfortable with the idea of a casual relationship. Think of it like a man entertaining the idea of casual dating. He pays for most of the dates, she pays sometimes too, and this continues indefinitely without any kind of sex. How does the guy feel? Well, transpose that if you will onto a female. Uncommon is the woman who wants nothing more than to just hookup with hot guys. Even more rare is the woman who wants nothing more than to just hookup with YOU.

Fifth, do you know what's not uncommon? Women who want a relationship with a guy, who love and enjoy sex, and who have worked past their fears, anxieties, pride, ego, narcissistic identification, etc., and feel comfortable enough taking action without waiting first to build the 1-2 month "we waited" narrative for her friends, family, and her personal reply of her life story before she has sex with a guy she wants.

So, if you're conflating and building false dichotomies, and blowing off women who would otherwise make you happy, then you're only shooting yourself in the foot.

[becca123]

Hear, hear! Well done, my friend.

[udolipixie]

Why do girls only want sex in relationships with me, but don't casually hookup with me?
Possibly because you do not present yourself as an appealing hookup option. I find gals tend to seek highly attractive guys for hookups. To me the visual stimuli arousal is a way to makeup for the high likelihood of no orgasm.

Why are boyfriend material guys not seen as hookup material?
Likely the same reason why hookup material/pump and dump gals are not seen as girlfriend material. That reason being people seem to categorize others and treat them according to their category.

Why do you girls do this, why do you not reward a 'quality boyfriend material' guy with casual sex while lesser quality guys you casually have flings with?
Possibly because many gals do not see sex as a reward. As well as it seems sex is a weapon guys use against gals. In my opinion if a gal wants a relationship wig a quality boyfriend material guy she likely rules herself out by hooking up with him as then he will categorize her as slutty/easy/not girlfriend material.

In my opinion if guys did not seemingly shame female sexuality and have the slut/stud double standard gals probably would be more willing to have sex with non hookup material guys as it wouldn't lessen the boyfriend material guys opinion of her.

[dudeman]

the thing is even if she doesn't put out to him fast but did for other men he would likely have a worse opinion of her then had she just slept with him fast.

[udolipixie]

@dudeman That relies on him knowing her sexual history and I find most guys do not.

[dudeman]

it alwasy comes out. you can retroactively dump a girl for shit in the past. happens all the time.

[udolipixie]

dudeman You are making extreme claims. I highly doubt a gal's sexual history always come out. I also doubt gals being dumped for their past happens all the time The truth can come out and she can be dumped. However whether it is to the extreme frequency you claim is doubtful to me. Either way none of the deters from my response of a gal using hookup guys for hookups rather than boyfriend material guys who likely will not see her as girlfriend material if she hookups with them. Your comment is a what if that seems to rely on the guy playing private investigator to get her history.

[short_chick]

Good looking guys are intimidating and most of the time us girls think we're not good enough for them. Some also think that just because they see an attractive guy, that all they like are the obviously pretty girls which kinda bums us out. Also girls get judged more than guys do by the number of partners they have so they like to keep that number as low as they can which I don't get why. I've had hookups with at least 6 guys which is "way too much" for a girl but I don't care. You just have to find a girl who likes sex!

[alaskanchick]

Hey its not all woman. I offered my current boyfriend the friends with benefits deal right off the bat and he almost stopped talking to me completely. He said no he isn't that type of guy and wants a relationship not just sex. And guess what I started dating him to get it. I would have preferred the casual sex thing instead always less complicated. But he is the first to reject that deal from me. So just hold out until you find the woman that is wanting just hook UPS with you. They are out there.

[HonestGuru]

Well for starters, what environment are you trying to find a casual partner? If you're meeting girls in class, around school, through work or a situation like that, MOST people aren't going to be into casual dating. It's just a matter of ratios. Now if you frequent clubs, bars, parties then your probability of meeting someone also looking for a hookup goes up, considerably. Maybe start with where you're trying to find like minded individuals.

[samhradh_leannan]

Could it be that you're not pursuing girls who are interested in casual sex? Not everyone wants to have casual sex.

[BrunetteNYC]

MOST girls don't want friends with benefits or hook ups at all, don't take it personally.

[SarahsSummer]

You hang around too many high quality girls. Poor thing.

[Kira88]

It's because you're not an attractive partner for it. It could be your ego or the fact that they don't want you. We put up with certain things in relationships when it's sex the bar is different.

[AleDeEurope]

Most likely it's the way you present yourself, like you don't have a certain look that most women look for in casual sex partners. It's been proven, and you can prove it by yourself, that most women have 2 looks in men they want: 1 is for casual sex, and the other is for a relationship. Most likely you have that second look.

I'm like you. I could get a girlfriend way easier than I can get a girl to have casual sex with me, and I've had casual sex, but it wasn't as easy to get as it is to have a girl be romantically interested in me.

[Yeahhbro]

Jesus you are complaining really?

[Bandit74]

Girls often have higher standards for guys who they will hookup with than they do for the guys they would seriously date. You meet their relationship standards, but you aren't good looking or charming enough to meet their hookup standards.

"My one night stands were with HOT men; men that I would have considered out of my league. Yeah, I would flirt with them but always assumed it would be fruitless merriment. I figured, “What the hell, at least I’ll have some fun.” Then BAM! To my amazement, they bit the line! These men were not Johnny Depp or a Greek Adonis, but as ordinary dudes go, they were definitely something to write home about {if you could write home about a one night stand}. When it came to hooking up, my partners prerequisite were higher; at least superficially, than those I deemed necessary in a man I was dating. Seems weird to see that admission in type but quite frankly my criteria for a man I had a one night stand with were all superficially higher; looks, swag, attitude, dress, etc. When dating, the qualities in the men I sought dealt more with depth of character and intellect. "

dirtyinpublic.com/.../

[verticallyinsecure]

so you have a good face this means, you are cute/ handsome to them, build a chiselled body now and u'll be able to change that

[apple24]

Maybe because they think you have high standards and want the best for you.

[dudeman]

I don't know its kind of the same with me. i find it insulting.

[Scrambledagain]

Man this is my sticking point too. I could find a marriage or a soulmate before I find casual sex. I'm trying to find the reasons why and so far I can only point to the fact that I'm a nice guy. Women love nice guys as long term material but we don't create overt sexual chemistry well. Next year I'm going to be a full blown pick up artist. I'm going out with one goal on my mind... find the answer to where I'm going wrong through trial and error.

[Roostah]

Women like nice guys when they need a provider to settle down and provide that baby she wants (i. e. if she doesn't have one) before she hits menopause. Usually nice guys in these scenarios end up their as a whipped man.

[Scrambledagain]

@Roostah bro... I know it all too well, and I'm not content with the fact that a genuine guy is nothing more than a girls safety zone in her 30's and up. all the girls in my high school had some crazy stories, I didn't, so now I'm going for it while all of them are settling down with their chubby husbands. I just see it as role reversal. Girls get it when they younger, guys when they older.

[annoyymouse]

The reward is the relationship, not the sex.

[Happierthanever]

The whole concept of a relationship sounds like a prison sentence to me.

[Asker]

i like relationships but sometimes im just a single guy looking for some quick fun!

[VampireEmpress]

how do you act around them?

[Anonymous]

Why you don't want serious relation!! Men are not like women they don't like to have serious relation that ends with marriage and having kids?

[Anonymous]

Women find most guys unattractive so that's why. They are very very few guys they feel hot enough to sleep with without a relationship.

[Anonymous]

technically speaking, I don't think you are the problem; I think you hang out with girls who simple don't see fwb/hook ups as an option. I almost slapped the last guy in the face who offered me the "exclusive fwb" deal. He was a great guy, but I think I deserve more as a woman than to be a booty call, no matter how much pleasure I can attain

[Anonymous]

It is mos def about the way you present yourself to them. So don't be like "why are girls doing this" You have to master the art of hooking up with a woman just for sex. I cannot help you there though because I don't exactly know how to do it either.

[Anonymous]

Hookup guys are guys who look like they will be exciting and can satisfy but have something wrong with them which makes them not relationship material. If the guy has the looks and performance and nothing wrong with him almost all women will want a relationship, particularly older women.

It's the female version of a guy wanting to have sex with a hot but crazy woman.

Sometimes women will be more reluctant to go to bed with a guy if they think they have a shot a relationship, they don't want to appear too easy but if they either think he is out of their league or there is something wrong with him they will bed him straightaway.

So you've either got to be so good they think they have no chance for a relationship or exhibit some flaw.

[Anonymous]

let me do it as simple as possible for you:
1) hot guys --> fuck material
2) beta quiet semi-attractive providers --> marriag material

[Anonymous]

Because women have a higher standards for random hookup/1 night stands than for relationships. They will have no string attached sex with a man if he is physically attractive (i. e. nice face and/or body) or rich.

They will however, lower their physical standards when they want a guy for relationship (i. e. sex, someone to talk their problems too, spend time with). If you want to be no string attached guy then get really good looking and/or rich.

Structure of dating game:
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a22916-the-structure-of-the-dating-game-unwrapped-for-young-men-to-understand

Women on tinder are perfect example of what it takes to meet requirement for casual hookups:

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a22977-girls-on-tinder-do-smash-a-lot

Notice physical features of what they find attractive:
"Muscular, well-endowed relaxed and (surprise!) a little beerbelly?"

This whole thing about girls caring about personality is only important if they want to lock you down as a husband or boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

I've not necessarily seen a difference between the two types overall. Most guys I know have been both at some point in their lives or with different people.

Maybe you seem really serious? Maybe you see meeting girls in ways that attract people looking for love?

Seeing mutual sex as a "reward" to you may be part of the issue. Trying to hit all the buttons like its a video game can come across as stilted, or, in your case, backfire if you're pushing the be buttons. Being playful and genuine, liking the other person as a human but not expecting anything from them or turning up the intensity factor seems to be a component of casual sex that goes well.

[Opinion Owner]

That should say pushing the boyfriend buttons, not be.

[tyber1]

I don't think he so much views sex as the reward so much as not having to wait for it. Some guys get sick of waiting and would rather be single than put in all the effort. Most guys want easy sex but only some of the can get it. As a result some guys become sexually frustrated and insecure.

[Roostah]

"porn style sex" occurs on these casual encounters and women seem to enjoy that but many don't feel comfortable doing that with a long term partner. There's the saying, it's pretty misogynistic but also holds some truth, "girls want to be treated like a princess and fucked like a slut". The thing is that is hard to form these two contradicting bonds with one partner. That's why we often see women giving it up for some guys who treat them like "sluts" and have crazy sex in no time, but take a while to put out with a serious partner. it's like the saying "alpha fucks, beta bucks". I know that this isn't the best view I'm giving on my own gender, but as a future sexologist/scientist I need to be objective, and it's a harsh truth." Quoting from Many girls fucking a small clique of men on tinder MyTake by a female poster.

[Opinion Owner]

I saw that MyTake too and I'm very skeptical. Anonymous user, a self administered survey. Yeah, right. It's written by a troll. There were a few key details that really confirmed it for me. Half the shit online is ridiculous, written to push people's buttons. From my experience and what I've seen from others, couples that actually dig each other have the most frequent and most experimental sex. "Porn style sex" on a ONS is such a ridiculous tv trope. I think dating is a drag, too. You spend so much time and emotional energy with people you don't necessarily enjoy being around. I'd say to stop putting extra effort into girls if you don't enjoy their company. Yeah, the chances of getting laid are lower, but if you dont enjoy being around the person, jerking off is basically the same thing. Don't buy into the concept that its manliest to have a bunch of lackluster sex at any cost.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm also of the belief that most casual sex happens between people who know each other. I've always been one of those people who floats between groups, but belongs to none. All social groups appear to have more promiscuous and more monogamous people. Better looking people tend to be sleeping with better looking people and less attractive with less attractive, but looks don't seem to determine if someone has casual sex or not on their own. Likewise, I'm not saying ONS never happen, but sleeping with people in or on the fringes of one's peer group seems to be the most common. Guys with all male peer groups or whose social skills are low may actually struggle more than guys who are ugly or broke. Which, in the context of GAG, would make sense to me. I also find human sexuality pretty interesting, so I've thought about stuff like this quite a bit.