Advice on how to deal with boyfriend porn addiction please?

[Anonymous]

Background...
I have an ongoing issue with boyfriend who has massive porn addiction, I stumbled upon it when using his phone to search something, he was there so I could immediately question, he blatantly lied saying he didn't know how it got on there, hmmm told me to search his history he was adamant it was random.
Over time I have learnt his viewing is an addiction.
I've discussed with him and communicated that personally for me I'm am not happy with this level of addiction. His mates sending videos that are funny daily (which they do) guy banter is fine, and and if we weren't having sex often (but we do every day and night have sex) then I would understand the need, maybe even once in awhile is understandable.. but often most days, done in secrecy, blantantly lying is really hurting me and making it hard to ignore.
He gets angry and lies when I ask him if he's still doing and tells me that he has stopped, which I know is all lies.
I now have discovered he is watching live sex shows (interactice) this is doing my head in big time I feel like it is escalating.
I love him to pieces, he is good to me, this is the man I thought i want to marry.
However I didn't know when we first dated this was his dirty secret, this is not something that I would have signed up for, I was already in love with him when I learnt about this, the idea of us not being together makes my heart ache.
I am at my tether, I dont know how to deal with this without it becoming fight, but live sex is now got my mind racing.
I am now thinking it's not right he has sex with me day and night and this is happening still whe he knows how I feel.
Please advice, be kind not too harsh I am feeling really fragile.
Thanks in advance.

[numerouno85]

This is a real problem and I understand how it must make you feel to know he see these things, I feel for you. Like anything he has to want to change and acknowledge this is hurting you and if he know it or not himself as well.

[Asker]

He does know how I feel when I communicate with him I have clearly expressed I am not ok with it. He tells me he has stopped because he knows how I feel about it, basically tells me what I want to hear. Because we have a lot of sex normally I feel if he needs this so much then obviously I am not enough for him, or basically that he wants to fuck (excuse directly saying) other girls.

[numerouno85]

It's an addiction, if he was on meth and wouldn't help himself or let you help I'm sure it would be easier to move on but it seems like he's hooked

[Asker]

He does drugs too, I know he has done meth in past but I guess when I think about the porn and hiding it maybe he is hiding his use from me as I have never seen him do it and we have been together for almost 3 years. He may be addicted but I don't feel keen to share my relationship with interactive porn... if I'm not enough I feel like I need to find someone that would value the relationship and be stoked and happy to get all the intimacy not searching for more...

[numerouno85]

Your parents must be proud

[Asker]

Sorry what do you mean by your last comment...

[numerouno85]

Your dating a loser

[Asker]

Hmmm it does look bad when you stand back and view. He is very charming, extremely likeable and very good at telling people what they want to hear. Everyone who meets him adore him and think he's a great guy. I guess i know more about him behind close doors. I have fallen in love with the person who he presented me now I have this other stuff I have learnt is part of his character... it sums, it's a mind fuck and yeah I wouldn't be keen on my daughters having this to deal with, I guess now I am starting to ask some tough questions and deal with issues I have willed to go away but sadly it's getting further worse.

[numerouno85]

Good for you

[Asker]

Thanks for your views and feedback I am searching for answers and some way of working out this.

[boggboss]

This seems like a issue for you and not him to be honest with our his phone you would have never known and now u do u don't like that he watches porn because he don't see it as a issue but don't wanna argue he is lying

[Asker]

The lying doesn't help one bit, I'm quite good natured I don't want to fight I try and understand others, but I am struggling with the whole way all of this has unfolded. Just be honest, when I talk I'm calm it's been him that gets angry and not nice to me. I feel like his porn is more important than me, it's not going to go away when it's still carrying on just goes around and around in circles. O feel like my battle is a losing one. He gets all the sex he wants from. me and then all the more sex stimulation from porn. I'm not comfortable where the next level goes, I'm loyal and give everything in relationships, I don't lie and this just seems like shit.

[boggboss]

See I completely understand the lying hurting the relationship that is shit but why u are looking at porn replacing you is simply silly he is not stopped watching because in his eyes he shouldn't have to stop watching and instead off telling you this he us deciding to lie

[boggboss]

If it's somthing u can't deal with honestly breaking up may be the option as he has made it clear he don't view it as a issue so he won't stop so past that either u learn to ignore it or you move on hun

[Asker]

Yes I hear you about lying not to hurt me, but if he knows it hurts me either do something about it or man up and be honest cause the lying steps it up another level. At least with honesty I would feel like he is not hiding it from me because he is up to no good. To be honest, the interactive porn makes me think he is up to no good. This is almost a deal breaker for me, but my love is strong so I have for 2 years sucked it up. But now I feel like you want that cool have it, but you dont have me at the same time... I have starting to feel like an object and I'm starting to feel like this isn't what I personally (others may not care that's them) but this is now really making me feel like shit and second best.

[boggboss]

Well if that's how u view the porn explain that to him but understand u will most likely be separating if that's you're decision

[Asker]

Yes I hear you, I think this is why I have many times gone without talking to him and just feel like shit and confused, it's now hit me hard as I am sick of the lying and secrets to me that's bad enough and issue. We should be able to work through anything together but you can't when the other isn't interested. I don't want to lose him, but I an at my tether.

[boggboss]

Good luck

[Asker]

Thanks for your time explaining your views it is much appreciated.

[boggboss]

That no problome only reason I think like this is me and my girl spoke about how porn was to be dealt with in the relationship

[Asker]

I've got a question for you, interest to get a guys perspective... if you're girl was feeling like I am and expressed this to you, would you do something about it and work through together or would you do what my boyfriend is doing?

[boggboss]

I wouldn't stop watching porn that I wouldn't do because she didn't like it nither option would have to be done but I'm not sure what that would be

[boggboss]

For me when it get to a point when a partner can decided what u are allowed and not allowed to do that's where things become unhealthy

[Asker]

Yes understand, that's a good point. I'm not telling him what to do, would be good if he's honest. However I know there are certain things I don't personally want to deal with in a relationship, that's infidelity issues, sure I know you can't tell others what they can and can't do it is their life. We all have different expectations and values but this is an area that I am clear is no go zone for me. This issue right now is for sure is opening the doors I feel for him, my instincts feel this is where its heading if he doesn't control his addictions and lies if he's not already on this journey. I always trust people, and believe they tell the truth until I know for sure no doubt, but how do you trust someone who lies where they are, what they do etc sometimes we need to figure out what we want and compromise a little I feel, be respectful to your partner tell the truth even if it hurts. Relationships have to be truthful and need to consider one another feels if you care and want to retain it. I can't help how I feel, I have tried for a long time to just be ok with this bit it is escalating he is increasing his interests in porn yo areas I am not comfortable with.

[boggboss]

Like I said I completely disagree with the lying there is no reason too but again I wouldn't say porn is any more or less a way for him to cheat they are two completely separate things

[MlleCake]

If you're sure his viewing is excessive and interfering with his life, ask him to attend Sex and Love Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous or see a sex therapist with you.

[Asker]

He works offsite from office and searches a lot when down time which is every day. Then when ever he can at home. I think for him he fits it in with his life... for me I know I should try and be ok and i have tried been too years off this crap. But his live sex watching is now got me feeling like he's cheating, know sounds bit extreme maybe to others but it's how I'm feeling.