HERPES! Did I do the right thing?

I was dating this dream woman. She had all the qualities of the perfect girlfriend. Smart. Kind. Respectful. Successful. Mature. Generous. Considerate. Gorgeous. Sexy. Affectionate. Cooked for me. And then she tells me the reason we hadn't had sex is because she has genital herpes and she wanted me to know before we had intercourse. She told me that she has a good handle on it because she takes medicine every day to suppress it. She hadn't had an outbreak in several months. And she would prefer always using a condom. I was not expecting her to tell me that. She gave me a week to think about it and then I called and dumped her. I told her it was not because of the herpes but because I had too much going on professionally to give her the attention that she deserves. It has been a month, and I think I fumbled a good one. Out in the dating scene, and these women are nuts. One woman told me that we weren't compatible because I cannot pay her bills. What? Another posts Only Fans kind of photos on her Instagram and then the next post she is cuddled up with her son. Huh? I keep going back to check in on the dream woman and she is classy and thriving and I think I let my fear ruin a good thing. What do you think?

Updates:
29 d
I never had to deal with this, and I didn't think it through all the way. She told me to call my doctor, but I didn't. I really hurt her by dumping her after a few months. We really connected and then she told me that, so I freaked.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • No you did not, from reading what you said, I would definitely book in with your local health centre and have them give you up to date information on sexually transmitted infections / diseases. Not only do you need to understand the different types and how to spot them (if you can), you need to learn what types there are, how they are spread, impact of being infected and what treatments are available.
    The girl did all the right things in telling you about her herpes, if you had known about herpes your reaction would have been completely different.

    For the US it’s 12% or so of the 12-49 age group, which I think is 1 in 6, for the UK it’s 20%, however those are the reported numbers, many do not know they have been infected unless they have a major flare up, some just have mild symptoms. There are over half a million NEW infections each year in the US. As @smashingdoozy says, it’s common and going to be even more so as the years go on.

    With herpes, it is treatable with anti virus drugs, this helps reduces the outbreaks and helps the person manage everything.
    https://www.herpes.org.nz/herpes-patient-info/living-with-genital-herpes#:~:text=Overall%20Health,do%20lead%20perfectly%20normal%20lives.

    Next steps, visit the doctor / sexual health centre for a full health check up and also a talk on sexual health.

    Short version, you met someone honest who was open about her herpes and you blew it mainly through lack of knowledge. Do all that and try the ‘ I took your advice and visited xyz, who told me all about a lot of stuff, would you like to start over’

    • I called, left a message, and texted. She hasn't responded, yet. The last thing she said to me was that she was embarrassed and risked losing me to protect me. So, she hopes that she did the right thing despite getting dumped.

  • If she's the woman you could spend the rest of your life with, herpes isn't a big deal. It wouldn't interfere with your love life. And, as she said, there is a medication that keeps it from flaring up. Even if you get a flare up, it's a minor thing.

    If you started having unprotected sex with her, you would catch it. And the only problem with that would be if you wound in the dating market again, as you know from your reaction when she told you she had it. You would be limited to dating the 16% of (American) women who already have it.

    Personally, I think you should tell her that you thought it over and want to be with her. Then get to know her better. If she seems like the one in a million with whom you would want to spend the rest of your life, marry her. Don't blow it. She would be loyal for life.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Herpes is such a common virus. Like 90% of the population will be exposed to it by the time they're 50. So long as it's under control it's not an issue. With how honest she is I'm sure if in future she had a break out she would let you know so you can plan around it.

  • You did the right thing. There are dating sites for people with herpes.

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What Girls & Guys Said

1 5
  • Call her and tell her you’ve cleared your thoughts and are ready to date her

  • You fumbled, but having herpes, def a red flag

  • Wow. She even handled the Herpes thing with class. Yeah, you blew it.

    • So what can I do?

    • You could tell her the truth. That you’re a chickenshit idiot, but you can’t stop thinking about her, you’re in love with her, and beg her to give you another chance. Good luck! She may have already moved on, but keep us updated.

  • This is what I try to tell guys that come on this site and lament rejection and whatnot by these women. You'd be moon eyed to discover how rampant STD's is with single women out there. Most you guys are not missing out on anything! It's unfortunate that she caught the herpaly erpalies, but that I isn't YOUR problem you did the right thing. 👍💯 You don't get Herpes by accident. You get it by poor choices. Don't make her poor choices yours.

    • I have to defend her. She got it from a boyfriend when she was 25. Unlike her, he did not tell her that he had it.

    • Fair nuff. But she didn't have to have unprotected sex with him until she KNEW did she. Again, it sucks that it happened. But it was a product of her own stupidity. A choice she made that now she's going to have to live with. Imagine if she had taken accountability from the beginning.

  • Yeah, STDs are no joke

  • It is only herpes, get over it.