Sexual Relationships
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How do I forgive the man who raped me when I was a virgin?

When I was 17 I met a 26 year old man. I was saving it for marriage and he wasn’t happy about it. He kept practically begging for me to give him my virginity. I kept telling him I wanted to get married first and I want my first time to be super special and magical. It was supposed to be something I could always look back on and smile.

One night he got me drunk and I passed out. I woke up feeling a painful slamming sensation, like if I fell on my butt really hard. Within a few seconds I realized he was raping me. I never even felt him first penetrating me. He didn’t even wear a condom.

I know Jesus wants us to forgive. I know I shouldn’t have got drunk around a man I wasn’t married to. But I still hate him. He hurt me so bad. It’s been 8 years and I still cry. I’ll never have another first time. I’ll never be able to give my virginity to the person I marry. I never thought that would happen to me. I hope it was worth it to hurt a girl so bad for the rest of her life. I don’t think he cares. I JUST WISH HE WOULD SAY he's SORRY!!!
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Superb Opinion

  • The first thing, given how you phrased your question, is to forgive yourself for "allowing" yourself to be in the situation. You said you know you shouldn't have been drunk around him. I'd say yes, but ONLY because getting drunk isn't a healthy choice, NOT because you are in any way responsible for what happened to you. I don't get drunk. It's something in my metabolism. In my 20s a girl of 17 challenged me to a shot contest one New Years. She lost, and I spent the rest of the party making sure nobody touched her. The bastard who raped you bears sole responsibility. I don't care if you were drunk or sober, wearing a parka or naked. He was responsible for his actions.

    Not you.

    The other key is to remind yourself that forgiveness does not equal relationship. You can forgive him and never set eyes on him or speak to him again. You don't primarily forgive for the offender. You forgive so that you can get out of the prison unforgiveness builds around your own heart. And don't imagine I'm saying it will be easy. Forgiveness is a choice long before it's a feeling. It's a decision. The word "decision" literally means to cut off from. By deciding to forgive you cut yourself off from the past. You make it lose its hold over you. You take the power back from him.

    Make the decision. You may need to make it every day.

    If you watch "The Shack" this is shown brilliantly by Sam Worthington as Mack as his character carries his daughter's body home. One step at a time.

Most Helpful Guy

  • You want to forgive your rapist, huh? Simple...

    You are gonna need a few items.
    1. Aluminum baseball bat
    2. 3 to 4 gallons of kerosene
    3. Box of matxhes
    4. Bottle of vodka
    5. Gallon of orange juice

    Then, sit him down to start drinking*.
    *When pouring drinks, make his with the vodka, while making yours with water.

    Get him piss drunk.

    Douse him in kerosene.

    Light him on fire with the matches.

    If he jumps up, smash his knees with the ball bat.

    Ta DAAAAAAA!!! All is forgiven after that.

    Fuck this guy. In my eyes, he committed an offense thats a bigger deal than murder.

Most Helpful Girls

  • First of all, carrying around all that hate and hurt for all these years isn’t healthy. You’re allowing him to continue victimizing you all over again. You’ll never be free from it until you find it inside you to forgive and move on. Realistically, you may never get an apology or any kind of closure from him, so you have to create your own closure. Yes he hurt you and took your virginity but that’s just your body. When you marry someone, you give them your heart and soul and that’s the most important thing. You aren’t damaged or undesirable because of what happened. It wasn’t your fault. You’ve got to make a conscious decision to forgive and move on with your life. It will be difficult at first and you’ll have setbacks, but you will get there. It all starts with you.

  • Did you ever tell him this? Maybe you should, even if it's in a letter. You may just get that apology, which you may never get unless you tell him how it hurt you. Plus you get to get him to have that guilt trip all over again.

    • I’ve been thinking about that but I’m scared he’ll just deny it and break my heart but I guess he can’t hurt me more than he already has.

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What Girls & Guys Said

2 21

  • You don't some people don't deserve your forgiveness

  • Why the hell would you? He doesn't deserve it. Any god who would condemn you for not forgiving your rapist is no god worth following. So either you've misinterpreted the texts and that's not actually your god's position on the matter, or you should seriously reconsider your religion.

  • I sure hope you reported him to the police.

  • You don’t have to forgive. Just because a long dead Jewish mystical lich said you should forgive doesn’t mean you have to.

  • Did you ever go to the police?

  • You can probably still press charges, depending on where you are located. If you do not want to do that you may benefit from joining a support group or seeing a therapist - starting with your doctor.

  • There is no forgiving a monster like that, you need therapy, mostly so they can help you move on from it. I hate people like him.

  • Maybe I kill him for you..

    On 2nd thought. I think I'll move along. I'm so sorry for you.

  • Get yourself into therapy and focus on forgiving yourself and not him, because that asshole will never say he's sorry.

  • You could get over this by realizing virginity is a worthless concept.

    But don't forgive him, why would you forgive a rapist?

    • Virginity is real and it’s very special to girls and Jesus wants me to forgive!

    • I don't agree but live and let live.

  • Why were you with a guy who wasn't happy about your decision to wait?

  • were you still a man at 17?

    • I I’ve been a girl since 15

  • Why would you forgive?

    • Because Jesus wants me to 🥰

    • Then beg his forgiveness because you could not find it in yourself to forgive, he will understand

  • I'm not saying you should forgive him but you need to forgive yourself first. Its not your fault this happened to you. If you know that it'll be easier to move on from this horrible incident

  • Haha gay sex

  • First, sorry that happened.
    2. Report it because he’s done that to other girls.
    3. Virginity isn’t really a big deal to non-pervs. Which is why the Bible was written by them.
    4. You shouldn’t feel bad for getting drunk. There’s no excuse for rape.

  • I’m a Christian too but that is just Evil. To take advantage of a girl younger and drunk is not proper attitude.
    I probably would not forgive him, and I’d file sexual assault charges.

  • Rape witj any gender is wrong.

  • don't. some people don't deserve forgiveness

  • You need therapy. Constantly posting it on here isn’t going to help.

  • Show More (3)

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