How do I know what my sexuality is?

Question

I've literally been crying for the past few days because I don't know if I'm gay, bi, or straight. My parents are really conservative so I can't say anything to them. I've always thought I was attracted to both genders, but now I have no clue. I'm 18, I've never had sex or been in a relationship. I've gone on like 2 dates with awful rapey men in the past. My friends have all had significant others and have already had sex and I just feel so alone. Like I've talked to them about it and they say "Don't worry about it, you're not gonna find anyone now. So just wait, you'll find someone." I feel like I've heard this for four fucking years and now I'm going to college soon and have no idea what I'm attracted too. I had the expectation that I'd know in highschool, and now I'm having that same expectation for college and I'm thinking well would if nothing happens once again there like in highschool. Like I feel like most people know what they like in college and explore that. But I have zero clue and I am just so frustrated with people telling me. "Oh you're straight probably" or "Just like whoever." Like I just want to know and I'm considering just hooking up with someone on like Tinder because I'm seriously frustrated with myself and nobody else understands.

LesterJester · Accepted Answer

I know it may be a bit frustrating when most you know seem to already know what they like and have already had sex and all that. You feel like you're somehow falling behind or maybe something is wrong with you. I didn't have a serious relationship or had sex until about a week before I turned 20, and some I know were later in life. Others way earlier in life.

There isn't anything wrong with you, there's merely something wrong with the situation you're in.

It sounds like you're trying to see if you like guys due to your parent's views and going that way (with guys) would avoid a confrontation with them and might simply be the easier path to take. You're looking at the guy angle because that's simply what's expected.

Yet it also sounds like you like girls too, but then you got the above issues to factor in and worry about the drama and/or possible disappointment from having to eventually inform your parents on who you're with. This in turn puts whatever future partner you have in an awkward situation and they might get shit on, which you wouldn't want to put anybody through... So you bounce back to the guy option.

In the end, you have no idea what you're supposed to do and whatever direction you decide to take, you feel you're going to end up miserable and hurting someone (parents or your partner) along with yourself.

Maybe you are bisexual, I won't discount the possibility. I'm a straight male, so I'm limited in what advice I can offer, but I knew what I liked (females) for as long as I can remember and never questioned or had any interest in guys. There was never any confusion for me.

But I have cousins and friends who are gay, and an old college friend who came out as trans and went through the procedures. I've also had more female friends than male over the years. I've listened to their struggles and their views here and there.

Based on the limited information you have provided, I would assume you like girls, but are fighting tooth and nail to do what's expected and give guys a chance. This is why you were sitting there crying while typing this out, because again... There's nothing wrong with you, only the situation in which you find yourself in.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Well, first of all calm down and stop beating yourself up and trying to force things to happen and or set arbitrary deadlines.

Labels are only helpful for expressing complex ideas with few words they aren't helpful if you are using them to construct boundaries or definitions on yourself or other people so you should take more care in their use and not be so concerned about 'what' you are.

The range of interests people have is extremely broad even if they are only interested in one gender.

Some people dont feel they have a gender and prefer to say they are girlfriend Gender Fluid that is to say some sort of blend of masculine and feminine or other expression of self contrary to generally accepted or expected gender roles.

Others will tell you they are demi sexual, meaning that they are only attracted to someones mind and the container they come in is not important though these people also come in straight, bi and gay flavours too i believe so as you can see there are many shades of grey and as i said before labels are not always particularly helpful, informative or accurate.

The answers you seek are inside you, only you can know what you like and what you dont like and perhaps it will take time for you to explore and settle into some kind of definition which is right for you.

I suggest that you explore your sexuality on your own through masturbation and allow yourself to freely explore whatever comes to your mind, there is only one rule with sex and that is informed consent between adults. This should help you to understand yourself better but you should also remain open to and aware of what you think and feel about other people you meet or experience though virutal mediums such as those found online or in film or on television etc.

Although i would have to advise against watching television as it is poisonous garbage and not something that should be put into any mind.

Youryeodongsaeng · Accepted Answer

I really didn't acknowledged my sexuality at first when I was 12. When I was a but younger than 12, my friend wanted to have a sleepover with two of my step cousins. I didn't really liked the idea because she is more girly and so are the two step cousins. I was that one girl who was into gaming whenever we'd get a game console and I really didn't care how I dressed, but i did care for my hair.

Anyway, it was bed time and I was laying down at my friend's feet. I had this sudden feeling of another feeling that she wanted me or something. It was hard to describe, but it left a question, "I think we should do something."

At the age of 12, that same feeling of that another feeling arose within me when I had a sleepover at our ex-neighbor's apartment
She had a granddaughter. She was my first girlfriend, but I don't consider her as my girlfriend because she was already seeing an 18yo male.
That night, she asked if I was awake and asked for sex. I was down. We had sex in the bed while her grandmother was in a deep sleep.

I considered myself as bisexual, even though... I never really had that much experience with guys.

After my 3rd boyfriend at age 12, it felt like I was back in square one. I had my second girlfriend and she made me fall deeply in love with her. Her mother reported me as a pedopile. I was 13 and her daughter was 12.

When I was 14, I was just randomly browsing the web and came across other sexualities and identified as Pansexual after reading every definition of the sexualities.

Looking back, I didn't mind dating anyone - as long as that person is trustworthy and has a good personality; but at those times before even identifying, I cared less about personalities.

I had fell in love with three of my male cousins and thought nothing was wrong with it until they probably viewed differ.
I was a kid.

What do you prefer? Women, men or both? Or maybe trans, nonbinaries, etc? You can be bisexual and like one gender more than the other.

Bisexuals only have preferences of men and women, while Pansexuals... we don't care what gender you are, what you identify as and how you look.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Ok, I am sure that most will never be able to understand why and how I came to this conclusion. Not even sure if I should post this anon… but I will not allow any non-asker replies for saying what I really think about this. Wait a sec, I am going to need a few more shots of that tequila… whoa… burns! Need to let it kick in a bit... Ok, here we go again!

Hate that we have allowed our society to make us feel that we must declare ourselves to become a respectable member of society. The pressure to categorize and label ourselves as to what type of sex we enjoy, political alignment, religious belief and even our gender or race; can overwhelm us into just telling the groups we belong to whatever we think they want to hear.

Everyone keeps telling me to just be myself and yet frown upon me when I am doing just that. Why should I have to settle on being this, that, or the other thing… when I just want to keep my options open on just who I am? This is particularly true when it comes to my sexuality. Just because I feel one way at a certain point in time does not mean I will not feel completely differently whenever and wherever I choose to do so.

Know that sex is all in my mind and I highly doubt that anyone was born to get off on sex toys. Cannot accept the “born this way” school of thought. Since it begs the question of how “evolutionary wise” it helps the continuation of humans? That leads to the conclusion that it is a way to prune the tree of humans of the those that are detrimental to its continuation. How does that work? Is there some genetic sequence in our DNA that when met causes a “Stop! Do not reproduce,” and ensures same sex attraction? Do not know about the rest of you… But there is no way I can believe that BS and that is why I am adamant that sex is all in our heads.

Just be yourself and do not let this world force you into be anything other than that. Stop worrying about your sexuality and having to categorize and label yourself, it really does not matter… just be the best you that you can be and leave it at that.

virgin20 · Answer

The problem is we can't know either. You get attracted to people, and those are the ones you like.
I'm 20 and I've never done stuff so I'm also sick of hearing you'll get someone etc, but you're only 18 and college is about to happen.
Who cares if you're into men women or both, if you see someone you like you go for them. You don't need to know specifically what you are, but call yourself bi if it makes it easier so you can go with both. If you realise you dislike 1 or the other, Then your sexuality is determined 🙂

Smoke-n-Growls · Answer

Sexuality is something fluid, and something very unique to everyone.

It could be you're straight, could be you're gay, could be you're bi, could be you're ace or any other LGBTQ orientation. Heck, I you can even change your orientation throughout your life.

There's really no reason to "label" your sexuality. Just allow yourself to love who you love - and see where that leads you. Not knowing at your age is not just normal, it's pretty much a given. You're in prime "I don't know so I get to try" territory, here.

Listen to your heart, your instincts, and use reasonable caution (rapey women exist too). Be safe, but allow yourself to just... Try.

You don't have to tell your parents, either. You can if you want, but they don't have to know. I'd suggest not telling them, at least until you're sure about telling them - and you have a plan to exit your home if they take it terribly.

I thought I was straight until I was 26-27, when it just sorta hit me outta nowhere that I was bisexual. I realized everything I wanted from a man could be found in a woman, and women are as sexually attractive to me as men.

Don't worry too much about this. Just enjoy yourself, enjoy life, and if you find yourself gravitating one way or another, then give it another thought then.

Vickymoore9 · Answer

Has more to do with relaxing and knowing it’s ok not to know and being ok with it. I have a friend who explored with girls a lot thinking she was into girls. She was 26 when she met a guy at work and that all changed she’s been happily married for around 8 or 9 years to him. I bet your good at best the hell out of yourself stop be nice to yourself gezzz 😊 good luck hope I helped you sweetie

razelove · Answer

Honestly, who cares? It sounds like most of your stress is over the label more so than who you might like or be with. So just be with people who make you happy, see where those feelings go, and worry about the other stuff when it comes up. Labels are stupid unless you have some motive to belonging to or excluding some particular group.

As far as your parents go, again, that's one you can put on the back burner. Whether it's a guy or girl you have sex with, I would imagine you'd be with them for a while before coming home and being all "mom, dad! This is my humping partner!" Be a little easier on yourself, experiment a little, and see what you like before worrying so much.

AlienParasite · Answer

You shouldn't depend that much on labels. Many people don't really aren't sure of their sexuality and they discover it during college or even later. Some think they are sure to later discover they weren't what they thought. The important thing is to enjoy it when you fancy someone, whether if it's a guy or a girl.

However if it worries you too much you can try to take sexual orientation tests, like this one:

http://vistriai.com/kinseyscaletest/

RemoErdosain · Answer

Don't lose your virginity out of desperation. Save it for something better. You only get to lose it once. I think you're placing too much importance on knowing what you're attracted to. If you really have no clue as to what turns you on sexually, my suggestion is to try for straight because it will give you less of a headache, probably.

Teyfet · Answer

Test 1: Who are the 5 most attractive celebrities that you can think of? Are there any porn stars that you find attractive?

Test 2: Have you had an erotic dream or fantasy? If you did, who was the other person?

SunnySonia · Answer

Even if you get to know your sexual orientation now, what's the guarantee it'll remain the same for life-long? And if there's no guarantee, then why take stress for it? And I believe, if you're so confused, just try both and your body and mind will give you the answer. If you're still confused, then you're bisexual (considering you liked both and unable to choose one among them). If you're desperate enough, just do it with anyone you're comfortable with. I feel it's just a peer pressure of being a virgin that's hitting you more than this question about your sexual orientation.

Zannika02 · Answer

Have u tried watching diff kinds of porn to see what turns u on? Seems like a simple start to me... maybe u are attracted to both genders and since u have yet to be physical w one unsure who u lean towards or maybe equally to both. Altho I can appreciate the female form and beauty, lesbian sex does nothing 4 me, nor have I ever been attracted to a female in a sexual way. So I identify as mainly straight, but I have also had sex and find men attractive and certain male traits turn me on, ie broad shoulders, big hands, beards etc. When u fantasize or touch urself what do u think about? I'm sure u have some thoughts on traits ur attracted to?

aperson12 · Answer

I know it can be frustrating, but my best advice to you is to wait until college. There, you can try dating girls, guys, and nonbinary people and figure out what feels right. I know it is really frustrating, but I promise you will figure it out. Best of luck to you.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Actually, most people who start college have very little sexual experience but they try enough things with other people to get an idea of what they want. One of the most common experiences of the teenage years is the feeling that you are so different, so unique (not in a good way) that no one else can possibly understand you and ultimately you feel alone. That is so common that it inspired the quotation, attributed to Margaret Mead, "never forget that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else!"

Since you have not had any sexual partners, you feel uncertain about your sexuality most likely because of your fantasies. However, the fact that you fantasize about something does not mean that you would really want to do that IRL. Many guys fantasize about having a threesome with two females but very few will ever try to make that happen; it is JUST a fantasy. Many girls have a "rape" fantasy but that doesn't mean that they actually want to be raped.

Statistically, the odds are that you will have heterosexual experiences, be completely satisfied by them, and never experience any real desire to have a lesbian experience. Only time will tell and, a few years from now, you will probably have had at least one or two sexual partners and you'll be amazed at where you have gone on life's journey.

Good luck!

MissDawn7961 · Answer

if you are a female with a slit for a vagina , have periods and such , then you will be attracted to men with a penis or a thing between his legs that he can put in your vagina area to get you pregnant with ! thanks

ohshee · Answer

Well let's find out TOGETHER. You were born in a Girls body or Guys body ,, what other sex or gender have you been with ,,, have you been with the opposite sex ,,, ,, what are you in to ,, have you ever role played and if so what was it about , and who did you play ,, do you like being with the same sex as you were born ,,, wait. Just thinking of something. Are you happy the way you are right now ,, if so why change it ,,, you get the both of two worlds if you like both sexes

ObscuredBeyond · Answer

You are a woman, created for a man. There should be no other argument. If sexual OCD is tearing you up inside, seek treatment, before the Demoncraps outlaw it.

Kaazsz · Answer

I knew what I liked since I was like 8 years old. Girls! No questions for me whatsoever lol. Maybe you’re A-sexual.

Berethor · Answer

So you don't like dating rapey men, but you looking for a man in tinder? make sense. :)

TonyV · Answer

I'm 29 virgin and feel most of what you feel. Everyone tells me to not worry and the right time will come when it should, and they are right!!!
What makes you think youd be gay or bi?
Can I ask what kind of porn you watch? Have you ever even masturbated to woman?
Even if you have I dont think that proves your gay.
I've watched shemale stuff, and I like the part where the guy finishes at the end of straight porn but I dont really want to play with a dick, it's just interesting to think about, interesting cause it feels kind of wrong to me🤷‍♂️

Alyssa11 · Answer

Just take it easy and enjoy life!!! No need to stress or worry about it - as cliche as it is, it will happen naturally!!
You sound like you're sexually curious, so just enjoy your time while you discover more about yourself.

ct1243 · Answer

Please don’t put your personal business on here first and upmost - people aren’t gonna relate to you if they don’t understand the LGTBQ community. Your sexuality is your business not anyone else’s. #gay #lgbtq

AndyOh · Answer

You are definitely frustrated.
You need to sit down and take a deeep breath. If you are questioning your sexuality, my advice would be to not push it. You are going to college, you will meet a whole slew of new people, especially if you get involved in activities (which I suggest you do). Being female, you should have all kinds of guys talking to you. Then you can see if there is an attraction. Women will be there too. Still, in College, go with your feelings. Things will change a lot for you over the next few years. Don't be in such a rush to figure it out. I drifted for two years before I found the right people to hang out with. But then I did not get involved... so get involved. Do Things. Have fun and don't worry about it. :)

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