How to admit my submissive nature to my wife and introduce her with femdom and BDSM?

Question

I am naturally submissive all my life, but I realized and admitted that to myself pretty late.

I was always submissive, always attracted by dominant women.

My whole life I was trying to be a dominant alpha male because I was reading and hearing everywhere that girls like guys like that.

I had luck with girls and I can say I was a popular guy, but I have a feeling that, sooner or later, many of them felt that I am actually a submissive beta boy. After every break, I was trying to be more of an alpha, more dominant guy.
When I achieved that state and treated girls like a badass, I thought I am on the right track. I became rougher in sex, practiced stamina and lasting longer... I became a sex machine, and my ego was growing.

At that moment I met my current wife. We had wild sex for months. We fell in love so hard. As years were passing and sex became rarer and I became less and less interested in sex, I realized that I am not happy anymore. I actually never enjoyed that kind of sex.

I was thinking a lot and realized that I am a truly submissive beta boy in my heart who yearns to be sexually dominated.

I am in a great dilemma about how to admit everything to my wife.
I know that many of you would tell me to just tell her and admit it at once. But I can't do that, I am not that kind of guy.
I tried that in some different situations and in some other topics but it never worked up for me.

I would like to slowly introduce my beloved wife to my situation and see if she would like to be my domme.

I hope you will share your honest opinions and any advice on how would you deal with this situation.

Thanks in advance! :)

nightdrot · Accepted Answer

Pal, my girlfriend and I tend to a very primal sex - not in the BDSM sense - where I am the alpha male. So that makes it a little hard to see it through your eyes. Though every now and then we will "switch it up" and that can be exciting. Variety is the spice of life and all that.

You said that you just can't tell your wife how you feel. You don't explain that - or at least explain it very well - and to offer sexual advice to a couple that I do not know, whose context I do not fully understand and from whom I am only hearing one side of the story is perilous if not foolhardy.

This I will say, you have to master your feelings. You have to take your future in your hands. You say that you can't tell your wife how you feel. That is frankly, as a practical matter, not true. You may be afraid to tell her - ironically, that may be part of your submissive nature - but the only thing stopping you is you.

There is nothing wrong with being submissive in your sexual need. No shame attaches when it comes to sharing your naked body with the person you love. To that extent it is in your head.

It might, to be sure, surprise your wife and she may not take it well. You can soften that by, at least initially, proposing it as something different to try. You mentioned that your sex life had declined. Talk to your wife, say that you miss it and explain that you think that is, in part, because there is this side of you and you want to give it expression.

Explain that being submissive and obedient is not just a turn-on, but that it makes you feel safe and loved and wanted and you want that with your wife. Then ask her for it because you love her and miss the closeness with her.

Then go lightly. Bad idea to start - if you meant BDSM in a literal way - with chains and whips, so to speak. Remember, this will be hard for her, too, if mostly because it will be such a change. So proceed slowly, step-by-step, together.

(My girlfriend and I, as I mentioned, tend to a very primal sex, but NOT in a BDSM way. Rather, we tend to be like two animals breeding in a field. She is submissive and I am the dominant male, but that is expressed in licking and me on top and sometimes some biting and scratching. How that might translate for you I cannot say, but as I say, it does not have to start with handcuffs, so to speak.)

Bottom line, be honest with your wife. Communication is essential. She cannot read your mind and it really is not fair of you to demand that she do so. In effect, you are asking her to bear all the emotional burden of your marriage and that is VERY wrong and apt to end very badly.

If you cannot communicate about your sex life, your marriage is apt not to last. You will lose the submissive sex - and then you will lose the marriage altogether. Quite simply, there is no substitute for communication and the trust that underpins it.

So you need to take your future in your hands. Hard, admittedly, for a man who wants to bow down in obedience to his wife, but you are more than the sum of your sexual instincts. Save your sex life and save your marriage. Fight your instincts so that you may indulge them, else, as I say, this will not end well.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

First I'd caution against thinking on terms of "dominant = alpha" and "submissive = betaboy". If you say to her "I want you to dominate me because I've realised I'm a beta boy" she's going to find that unattractive. The things people have said about women wanting an "alpha" is true. Sure some smartass will probably be like "alpha doesn't exist even the man who discovered it in wolves says wolves doesn't think wolves are like that" but it really means that they want a confident, assertive, masculine man. Not an overly passive, submissive loser. Why would they?

The main thing women are attracted to is masculinity. That's how you attracted your wife. Change that and take that away and she's gonna lose attraction for you. She'll see you as being different to the man she fell for. Just because you're married doesn't mean that you definitely have her locked down.

Be careful about what you say and the way you say it, that's all I'm saying. Domination in the bedroom is ok, but this extreme femdom fantasy which you probably have in your head won't be unless she's one of the small number of women who like that stuff. I'd say introduce the idea of her dominating but don't expect her to want to completey dominate you, treat you like her bitch all the time and still respect you.

Sangita93 · Accepted Answer

I am sure you have an idea of what she is going to say already, I mean you know her very well, you are married, and you have had enjoyed happy sex with your wife many times.
To the point of this question, about half of men liked being dominated sexually, and about the same of women liked playing the dominant role. Your wife may already be interested, but you do not know because you have not had the discussion. Be honest with her. Tell her that you are interested in being submissive to her, and explain what that means without going in much detail. If she is into the idea, then congratulations! Have fun, and be sure – I am dominant for most of the time, and also play submissive to dominate him for something more.
If she says no, just let it rest for a while. Say, “Cool!” and seriously move on with your life. She may think about it and change her mind. She may talk to a friend or do some research and reconsider. But if you act like a brat about it, you will make this whole thing miserable for both of you and it will never happen. Hopefully, you will find out that you are married to the perfect dominant woman! But if you are not, do not be a jerk about it.
There is something wonderful that happens in a BDSM relationship, and all too often does not happen in a vanilla relationship. As you get to know your partner in a BDSM relationship you most likely will have a discussion about your experience, your likes and your dislikes. We all have heard that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but one way to his mind is through his penis. Treating him in a way that arouses and denies him will keep him coming back for more. His cock is directly linked to his brain, you control one, you control the other.
As many people as exist, there are probably an equal amount of sexual fetishes or variations therein. Female Dominance which include Queening, Cuckolding, Facesitting, Spanking, Caning, Ass Worship, Analingus, Blue Balls, BallBusting, Female Ejaculation (Squirting), Verbal Humiliation, Tease and Denial, and Ruined Orgasms for males.

SueShe · Accepted Answer

First, let's make a correction.

Among humans, there is no such thing as an alpha, beta, gamma or any other letter of the Greek alphabet to describe the behavior of a person.

That description is solely reserved for the animal kingdom and not for humans. That is a total misconception.

Your wife must have realized that your prowess in bed were not the same anymore and I fail to understand why you did not talk about it before in your relation. Communication is so important but if you fail to address the issue, then misunderstandings will obviously occur and routine, unhappiness and other negative consequences will be the result.

There are a number of ways you kind try to hint to your wife that you would like to change your style. You could for example start watching lewd movies together where the situation you would like to try out occur. As a second step, and if she did not oppose the visuals of those clips, you could let's say, buy a pair of cuffs and ask her if she would like to try them herself first and then ask if she would be ok to reverse the roles and see how she reacts to that.

The thing is that you must not impose but suggest. If she is totally against the idea of submission, then there is not much you can do. Force something upon someone that is not into it will only result in your sexual relation going cold.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Do you feel like your wife has a dominant streak? Just like you couldn't change your submissive side, she might not be capable of being happy as a domme either.

I think you could start out slowly, talk about spicing things up in the bedroom and see if she's willing to try new stuff in general. Start with less 'weird' things, stuff that won't freak her out. Find things you both like and build from there.

On the other hand, she's your wife. Depending on what you feel is best, you could also openly tell her the whole story at once. Don't force anything on her, but say you have this desire and yearn to have her do things to you that you never dared to ask before.

If she's not a domne (just like you're not a dom), she might never be able to enjoy it. But there might be compromises. I had an ex who was sub, like me - but we both enjoyed to switch. I couldn't physically hurt him or degrade him, but I could enjoy teasing him to the point that it was torture just the same.
I've also had an open relationship, where we found it hot to hear about what the other had done. We knew we loved each other and were happy to hear they'd had a good time!

GeorgiaD2000 · Answer

Just speak to her start small and work up. I asked my boyfriend the same thing to dom me and we just worked up to it.

Now I'm tied up with a ball gag in my mouth butt plug in and in forced to do whatever he wants

AimeeEllenn · Answer

Maybe you could tell her you want to try new things in the bedroom, explain to her BDSM and femdom and that you think it could be fun to try it.

If and when you do try it just say you really enjoyed it, we should do it again if you want too.

AustinMan · Answer

It seems to me sharing some fantasies might be a good place to start.

Nxtawm · Answer

I think a couple things you could do if you wanna slowly introduce her to it and not just admit it straight is
1) maybe find an article or video that introduces the topic of femdom, BDSM, submissive guys (something round there) and say that you randomly found it while browsing online. You think it's interesting (say something good bout it maybe, I don't know show a bit of your opinion on these things) and would like to see her opinion on it.

2) slowly start giving her more dominance in the relationship, maybe simple stuff like letting her choose the food, where she wants to go on a date, letting her pick out some clothes for you. Then start increasing her dominance gradually.

NightFlirt · Answer

Start by doing everything she asks you to do, as soon as she suggests it. Pay extra close attention to her and try to anticipate he needs. In other words act like her submissive so she starts seeing you as such.

luvstoned4him · Answer

Well one of the things of any good and lasting relationship is communication.

You need to tell her. She is YOUR wife and you have known her for many years so at this point you should have a pretty good idea how to approach her with certain matters ; her triggers, moods etc.

Its not like you are going to admit to cheating or you shrunk the kids.. lol

You are together, partners and there should be a reasonable amount of trust.

Warmapplecrumble · Answer

Just tell her bluntly what you want. If I was the wife I would want that. I will be pissed off because I don't like being lied to.

nerms123 · Answer

Just gradually ask her to do one or two dominant things over time and keep increasing them

foriWish · Answer

Maybe starting right now (or today) progress towards your true self. Do things that subs would do and pay attention to her reaction. For example, if you have never let her ride you, do that and maybe tell her you would like to cuffed down?

5_AM_Oracle · Answer

I'd just be honest with her and tell you that you're into it. I mean, to me a guy I date telling him his fantasies is just a turn on, because it's just another thing I can use to drive him crazy. Start with the less extreme ones first if she does want to try

Just_someone23 · Answer

You should have been true to her and to yourself in the beginning.

If your wife is not the dominant type. You might as well forget it. Maybe you can talk to her and maybe try switching things up.

I have a feeling you will either lean to cheating with someone dominant or break it off with her and start over with a dominant woman

CyberWarrior98 · Answer

Just tell her.

BillieJean1070 · Answer

There's only room for one submissive in a relationship and in mine, that's me!

CocoBat · Answer

Tell her, it shouldn't be some sort of super important thing, but she should be open to trying as you should be with her... just... please don't go full feminist beta...

daliah · Answer

Start with small steps, tell her to handcuff you to the bed and take control of you. When you're done tell her that was the most enjoyable sex you've had, she'll take the hint, and if she's interested she'll probably start taking more control of her own and do things to you in unexpected times. You start rising up things a bit and submitting to her in a way that is both enjoyable to you and her, unleashing the dominant side of her. Eventually she'll become dominant of you all the time.

Browser101 · Answer

You may not be a submissive but rather a dominant who wants to direct his wife to perform certain “submissive” acts. I find this to be more true of most male “submissives”...

Babygirl_S · Answer

Why was I invited 😳

IWannaKnowAlso · Answer

Honestly , if it were me , I would ease into the topic just to get a feel of how she feels about it and go from there. Maybe ask her a few questions like have you ever wanted ro try this? Or watch het reactions when talking about the subject. Body language can answer a lot of questions. Good luck! !

Holy_Ghost_Fire · Answer

You are a disgrace to men. Men should be dominant and any woman who wants you is a disgrace to women.

Anonymous · Answer

Your wife is the person you are supposed to be the most honest with. Not being so will put a wall between the two of you in the bedroom and out.

Maybe part of your earning to be more submissive is that in the outer world, work, etc. you have to be the more assertive person and it can be tiring.

You do have to be aware that while she might be comfortable taking a more aggressive role in sex she might not be comfortable with BDSM. Depending on what she is like it might make her concerned. You might need to compromise somewhere in the middle were she becomes more dominant. If she is completely weirded out you might need some couples counseling. For some people they are ok with their partners or themselves having fantasies but not ok acting them all out.

If she isn't comfortable with being more dominant to the point you want then you have to decide can you meet her within her comfort zone. There should be some things you can both agree if not it might make the marriage more difficult.

How to admit my submissive nature to my wife and introduce her with femdom and BDSM?

Most Helpful Guys

Most Helpful Girls

Related Questions

What Girls & Guys Said

Latest Questions