How to tell my boyfriend I don’t want to swing *right now?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have dabbled in swinging for a couple of years but in the last six months my desire to do it has gone down (either because it’s not ‘new’ anymore or because my birth control has reduced my sex drive). I told my boyfriend numerous times and he agreed that we can stop.

But today I brought up a fantasy I had while having some ‘me’ time that involved multiple partners and we opened the discussion to maybe going to another swinger’s club some time. I was kind of agreeing nonchalantly because it’s not like I don’t ever want to do it - I’m open to it but just not right away. And just by me non-committally going along with his swingers club ideas, he took that as I want to swing again and immediately started looking on swingers sites to meet people next weekend! Like I didn’t even say ‘yeah let’s look to meet people’ and he’s already talking to people. It kind of annoys me that he is so quick to jump on it. And one reason I don’t want to swing is because he becomes obsessed with his phone, talking to people, asking me what I think about X couple. Uh I just don’t gave the mental capacity to give this swinging thing my time. And the fact he gets obsessed with it makes me less attracted to him because it looks desperate to me. I don’t know if this makes sense - maybe someone can relate.

Another reason I don’t want to swing is because I can’t be bothered to meet people, do the small talk. Uh no. And the third reason is that my sex drive is low enough - I want to use what I do have on us having loving sex. But the issue here is that I asked him if he could approach sexy time with more passion and romance but he said he isn’t in a romantic place lately because of some external factors with which I won’t bore you with. Soooo…we have some work to do to get on the same page sexually. Is it boring to say I want to work on making our own sex life as good as it can be rather than wasting my sexual energy on another person who probably doesn’t care about me?

[OlderAndWiser]

It sounds like he is not very satisfied with you sexually. That is not necessarily a reflection on your ability as a lover and I don't say that in a critical way, but. . . it sounds like he is quite eager to bone a girl other than you. Are you sure about this guy for the long term?

[Asker]

Well everytime we have swung before he fails to get a proper erection so I don’t think he is desperate to bone another girl. I think it’s more the idea of it that he likes.

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, and why does he like the idea of having sex with a girl other than you? I am in a committed relationship. I enjoy sex with my fiancée. Yes, I see other girls and think they are attractive. And occasionally I also think about how much fun it would be to have sex with them. . . if was single. But I never pursue another woman in any way because don't want to be unfaithful and I don't want to disrespect the woman who loves me and will become my wife. When you swing, you can tell yourself that it is JUST sex and t doesn't mean anything, but it clearly does mean something. He is so eager to be inside another woman that he leapt into action when you gave him an indication that it might be okay. And he doesn't even care that to get what he wants, you will be allowing another guy to be inside you. This just isn't the way to build commitment in the long term. I know that what I have expressed assumes some moral values that you may not share. If you disregard my advice, continue on this path, and this relationship ends, you should at least reconsider what role swapping played in its demise.

[Asker]

To be honest I think he is more into me having sex with other men! But I’m kind of over all that now. Been there, done that. I need to talk to him and say that I really am not into swinging right now unless I literally say ‘hey let’s swing again’.

[Asker]

I think it is the rush to get looking at the sites and everything that upsets me because it feels like he is looking for any opportunity to get into it again even though I have told him I’m not vibing with it. All I talked about was a dream/fantasy I had and he went straight into it. I feel like he doesn’t understand that just because I dream/fantasise about something, it doesn't mean I want to do it in real life. I don’t know if its my birth control pill but lately I am in a nesting mood; I just want to focus on me and him and growing our lives together. Swinging logically doesn't fit into this because it doesn't add to our sex life together, it’s bringing other unnecessary people into our sex life abd frankly i can't be asked to do that. I’d rather spend our energy on making actual couple friends (we are expats and hardly have any friends where we live). I just hope my boyfriend understands :(

[callme_maybe]

I feel for you! My girlfriend and I have never done the swinger life. I would be open to it. Don't think she would. Anyway, I agree with you about wanting to focus on your own sex life with your partner. I've been trying to do that with my girlfriend because her sex drive is also low. I think you need to be honest with him and lay some ground rules. He will of course be upset and want it but maybe you both can find a way to agree with one another and love each other.

[Asker]

Thanks for your insight!

[RobT312]

I think u need to communicate with him more. Tell him exactly what you just wrote. Shouldn’t be hard to talk about sex in a relationship , what u said is reasonable

[Asker]

Thanks

[rachel776]

[Anonymous]

Tell him you want to wait.