I can't get over her past, is it time to break up?

[Anonymous]

When I have sex with my girlfriend, I feel like I am having sex with all the guys she had sex with in the past.
- all diseases of other guys
-all saliva of other guys
-all hormones of other guys.

She told me she had 3 guys in her life and I am her 4th, but I know women tend to hide their past partners.

I don't know what to do, I don't enjoy sex with her anymore, and I can't even tell her that I'm losing interest in her because of her past.
Also, I'm slowly losing respect for her too.

I can no longer continue this, i just can't get over her past.

[lizziepooh03]

You have had a lot of responses and I have not read them so I apologize if what I say has already been said...

Your insecurities of other guys will go away. If you are rational, then your fear of STDs will not go away without testing but that can be accommodated so just ask. But I do not think it is the fear of physical harm that worries you but more that the woman you are with has had intimate relations with other men.

So break that down - what exactly about that that bothers you? That she may have sucked another man's penis? That he may have put his mouth on her vaginal parts? That she may have had an orgasm? That they may have been intimate?

What exactly bothers you about it? Do you think her being with other men means she will not like you or do you think that it devalues her?

If you think it devalues her, then do both of yourselves a favor and end it with her. If you are just insecure about another man touching her intimately, then my advice is get over that already and the best way to get over it is to get under it. So enjoy her body. Enjoy it because that is what a man should be doing with a woman's body. There is nothing wrong in that.

If you think there is something wrong with that, then that is a discussion that you need to have with her and you need to be honest about how you feel about it. Let her decide if she wants to be with you knowing that is how you feel.

These are your options...

[Blondie80]

Break up with her for her sake! I know this situation toooooooo well! I hadn't had any boyfriends before my hubby, but my uncle sexually abused me when I was a kid. My husband knew that before our marriage because I told it to him. After marriage... OMG! I got a lot of hurting from my husband! I was a whore, a motherfucker a "fuckyouslut", everything! She didn't respect me at all, brainwashed me, controlled me. For the positive thing is that he helped me too to recover but he wouldn't have tought that I would use the tips from him on him as well. It took me about 15 years to realize how stupid blond woman I was! I had to woke up and fight back! I gave him everything back, and it hurt him so much because he is older than me, and he became calmer, so it hit him strongly. Now there is no point I would let myself abuse by anybody in anyway! There was time I wished either he would die or me! I hated him sooooooooo much! Now he knows where his limits are, and he knows if he hurts me, I pay it back to him, and one thing is certain: man cannot bear emotional abuse, and I am good at it... So leave her alone! You are not perfect at all either! You have your faults and pasts just like your current girlfriend! But bear in your mind: you won't find any women for whom you'll be the first one... And what shall your partners say about you? You have had girlfriends as well... What? Are you lepered too?

[queeneemy]

I understand how you feel. In 2017 where 13 year old girls are getting pregnant you kind of want to find someone special who's been strong enough to control their hormones. If you think her past is getting in the way you feel about her it's best to let her go. It's best for you and for her because she won't be happy either. You might also feel that way because you think she's lying about her number and that there's the possibility that she's had more than 3 partners. Maybe if you get to know the truth you'll feel more at ease. Talk to her, be 200% honest with her and ask her to be honest as well. If that doesn't work, break up with her before you're relationship becomes toxic.

[queeneemy]

*your

[TheChatWanderer]

I think 13 year olds been getting pregnant since the dawn of time.

[queeneemy]

But that happened in the past because it was normal for girls to GET MARRIED early and have kids early. It happens in the present because they think it's cool to be a slut.

[TheChatWanderer]

I don't know you WOULD assume that but shits been the same since the cave man days the only thing that has changed is in the digital era life moves much more at a rapid pace.

[queeneemy]

I didn't assume absolutely anything. I only stated facts. And you're actually saying I'm right. Everything moves at a rapid pace because it's the digital era. 13 year old children have access to things they shouldn't have access to at that age. And when you're constantly exposed to something you eventually start thinking it's normal.

[lilaqua]

There are less 13 year olds getting pregnant now than in the past

[queeneemy]

Well, I'm sorry if your opened minds are refraining you from understanding what I said. The main point of my answer wasn't 13 years old girls getting pregnant, was some women of all ages being sluts. It doesn't matter how many get pregnant, it matters WHY they get pregnant. Like I said, in the past women were supposed to get married early and have kids early, which means they would only have sex with their husbands. Nowadays, that's not what happens. It doesn't even matter if they get get pregnant or not. They lose their virginity too early with people who mean nothing to them. So it's normal that by the age of 20 some women have a vast list of sexual partners.

[lilaqua]

well maybe if you look at the 1950s as a prototype but the problem is that we look at the past through a present lens that doesn't necessarily reflect reality. Throughout time people have always been kind of sexually liberal among the lower classes, we have little record of these people's lives and with the large amount of insight shared on the worlds of the rich and upper middle class for whom marriage and monogamy was so important to maintain wealth, which was not a concern for the lower class. Sexual behaviour and politics in a lot of societies within the lower classes was likely similar to our own in the present day. I'm kind of confused about what you're comparing the present day to because following the sexual revolution, all the subsequent generations, the Boomers and Xers have lost their virginities earlier and have more sexual partners than the millennials or gen Z (not really applicable though since most are still under 18).

[Ellie2432]

With your logic, she should also be concerning herself with your past.

- all diseases of other girls
- all saliva from other girls
- all hormones of other girls

I'm not saying that there isn't a reason to wonder, but I think you need to grow up and stop acting childishly. Your at least 4-5 years older than me and I find that your reasons and feelings because of her past are immature. So for her sake, do what you want but don't put her through hell because of your childish worries.

Her past is hers, your past is yours. You should only be worrieing about your relationship with her right now, today, and looking to the future and not each others pasts.

[lewis3001]

She can't change her past and if you really can't get over it then there you go.

BUT, everyone has a past mate, everyone. So if this is the only problem you have with this woman then i wouldn't, cus guarantee every other woman you will meet next will bring the same issue.

You know her and what sex and relationships mean to her. Some women if not most only sleep with a guy they feel secure around and predict a future with. So those three guys may have been guys she genuinely loved at the time and sadly for them but great for YOU! It didn't work out.

Plus if you have a past as well and she can live with it then you aren't being fair.

It's your own insecurities and pride getting in the way. And i say this as a guy with the same issues. The only two women I've slept with and dated have been with a list of guys and HELL YES did that bother me but ultimately i had to distinguish my discomfort and what those numbers meant.

For one girl it was a list of guys who they trusted would be their prince charming and turned out to be jerks
For the other sex was fun that can be had with just anyway... Suffice to say we quickly split.

Don't ruin an otherwise great relationship for something like this, talk to her and see if she can give you some sort of comfort, without shaming her, women already have a tough time as it is. But really it comes down to you, Good Luck.

[OlderAndWiser]

How many partners have you had?

If you break up with her, you will only date a virgin? But why would a virgin girl want to have sex with you, because it would be like having sex with all the girls you had sex with in the past.
- all diseases of other girls
-all saliva of other girls
-all hormones of other girls.

[shanlou]

You asked her and she told you. If you knew that you would not be able to handle it then you shouldn't have asked. Every person you are going to be with (probably) has a sexual past and that is just something you will have to accept. If this is a problem you have now then it is something that you will have a problem with in other women that you date. It isn't something you are really meant to think about or take personally. Plus it isn't like she has had that many sexual partners in honesty. It is affecting your relationship and you are unhappy so leave. She deserves someone who doesn't judge her for her past and you obviously need to look for someone who either is a virgin, or you need to work on yourself and how you view people and their history because that isn't something you can avoid. We all have a past and you will have to accept that.

[btbc92]

Your best to break up. You shouldn't have had sex with her before figuring this out before you did it. This is what happens when you have premarital sex and why you wait for marriage. This is not something you can judge her on because you didn't wait either. You're just as guilty. " I feel like I am having sex with all the guys she had sex with in the past." That is the truth about premarital sex. You are. And she is the same thing for you with all the girls you've been with. It's the same. I'm glad you realize that as a lot of people won't or don't. But you again, can't judge her for doing what you are doing with her now. It's not right.

[Beautyforashes]

I actually was very upset when I found out the man I loved was not a virgin. Somehow I thought that he should've waited for me, but that was obviously out of my control and in the past. You need to not overthink because that will ultimately ruin your relationship. You'll only become so obsessive over this. That was the only way I could get over his past. By coming to terms that is was his past and I'm with him now, not the other girl and he regretted it so... That helped. You need to talk to this with your girlfriend. Tell her how truly feel.

[niktoo]

People are going to date and have sex. Its natural, fun, and necessary for a healthy life and relationship. I suggest you seek professional help with this because it will may be something underlying causing you to feel this way and need help getting through it. After all , when you date the next girl, you'll be in thr same boat as your current. Also, don't generalize women like that! Everyone may bend the truth a bit concerninf their past especially if its screwed up!

[witherwing]

If someone's past relationships are that big of a deal to you, you should explain that to her, end the relationship and next time only start a relationship with someone who doesn't have past relationships. I don't understand why you would even consider continuing the relationship, when there is nothing beneficial for either of you. Now you are just wasting both of your time.

[BIGboy12]

True but what if she was a hooker in her past?

[Sadly_It_Fell_Off]

Nevermind about the ex-partners or the losing interest in sex. The line that caught attention was "Also, I'm slowly losing respect for her too."

If you can no longer respect your girlfriend, then its time to call it quits.

Don't drag it out to see if something will change, end it and both go off and find people that you want to be with and respect.

[HappyHufflepuff]

Break up with her and let her find someone who will love her the way you're not.

Also, don't get offended if a girl breaks up with you for your past. What goes around comes around

[BMW12]

so he is the bad guy?

[OU812DADDY]

No he’s not the bad guy. He’s the little boy.

[BMW12]

why?

[Kranjec]

bmw ignore incel cucks and women using shaming tactics, they cannot comprehend.

[AverageGuy1998]

Come on man, this attitude is pretty immature. She's her own person and what she did before she met you isn't really any of your business, much less a reason not to respect her. You're either gonna have to grow up and deal with the fact that consenting adults have sex and that's a natural part of life but (for both genders) or find a woman who is saving her virginity just for you. Either way break up.

[Juxtapose]

100% agree.

[thedancingcookie20]

I can relate. My partner had double digits of sexual partners before he was the age I was when we first started dating. I'll admit he bothered me but the hard part is trying to look past it. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do at this point. The past is the past and they can't change it. You can break up if you really think there's nothing worth staying over and find someone else with a shorter or nonexistent sex list, or you can work on getting past it for the sake of what could be a good relationship. It all comes down to you bc she can't change her past and neither can you. Only you can change your way of reacting to it and I know it's hard but sometimes changing your attitude about something is far more helpful than being upset over whats already been done.

[Saccharissa]

25-29 and that upset over 3 other guys? Should've been way more up front about your strict preferences, best case scenario you led her on, worst case scenario you're basically calling her a slut for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Says a lot about you you even strung her along this far if that's how you view her.

[Asker]

She is my first girlfriend

[Asker]

Also, i never called her a slut. Stop trying to portray what's in your thinking and what you think of other women. Basically, you're the one who thinks that a woman is a slut if had few guys in the past.

[Saccharissa]

So? If you demanded the same of her, that's something you could very easily have been up front about. You hold it against her she has a past, when you being an asshole just became the reason she now has another guy in her past, through no fault of her own.

[Saccharissa]

"She told me she's been with three guys, but I know she lies and has been with more" Yup, I'm the one calling her a slut. Totally, mhm. Not like it's literally the whole thing your post is about, nope.

[potatoisme]

If you care that much about her past it's time to break up because it's not healthy for both of you.
Think about it though and tell me even if u find another girl, what are the chances that she's a virgin and that u will believe her if she tells u she's a virgin (cuz you just said girls tend to hide these things)
I think before anything you should fix this issue of yours

[lumos]

And even if he found a virgin, going by his own logic he should be looked down on, because he's dirty and shouldn't be respected for already having slept with at least one girl (current gf). This sort of mentality won't work even if he finds a virgin, because it's clearly unhealthy and points to some heavy issues with insecurities.

[samhradh_leannan]

There are people who say that women “always lie” about their pasts/numbers, but that simply isn’t true. Yes, there are women who lie, just as there are men who lie (I myself has been lied to) but it is by no means the norm.

Bottom line, if you can’t get over her last, you should break up. There is no reason to be with someone who you can’t respect and trust. It’s better for both of you if you simply move on.

[NearlyNapping]

You can't change her past. If you can't deal with it, then break up with her.

Keep in mind that she's had a below average number of partners. Most women will have more. So if being a virgin is a high priority for you, your future choices are going to be limited. As you get older the chances of finding that person continue to decrease.

With limited choices, you likely will have to compromise other traits. You can't have it all, so you'll have to decide what is most important to you. Are you willing to be with someone who is virgin, but otherwise has little of interest?

If she didn't tell you that she'd been with other guys, you'd never even know the difference. It doesn't change her in any way. It's entirely in your head. You are jealous of something from the past, probably before you even knew her. It shouldn't affect you in any way whatsoever. But you've become obsessed over it.

[BritishGeisha]

I'd say 3 partners before your 30 is about average.
If it was 5,6,7 or more, I'd say it's getting a bit to many, but if the person was right, and didn't have any deseases, it wouldn't be a deal breaker...
If you were a virgin before her, fair enough, but if you weren't, then you don't have a leg to stand on.

If you think ruining a good relationship over a "past" then break up with her. Maybe you should consider the fact that you may never find a good relationship with a virgin at your age...
And don't forget, you are no longer a virgin/ have now had one more past partner to add to your list... Will that be ok with the next person you fall in love with?

[ciitruskiwi]

Break up with her because she deserves better. Everyone is going to have past, get used to it.

[Paris13]

I have always Believed, Even have Given my Ownn Master Opinion, That... Sleeping dogs need to Lie in the Cozy Corner. But not totally 'Lie," guy.
She should never have gone into all that Detail, For Some, hun, Never get Over it and with this, Unconditional Love is Not part of a Real Relationship.
Take a Break for now until you Get past it. Hopefully, That is. Maybe you will Miss her Kiss.
Good Luck. xx

[BikerGirl89]

Get over yourself. She did nothing wrong. Talking about your girlfriend that way shows what type of guy you are.

[sjoes006]

She deserves better.

[Arya_berry]

Break up with her cause if this is what you think about her. Do her and yourself a favor by breaking it off instead of dragging the relationship and hurting her more in the process.

[martyfellow]

Sooner rather than later... if you can’t control these feelings. I’d recommend talking to a counselor, but still, I’d break up first. It would be unfair to the girl to pretend you were ok with her past.