Is it ok not to have sex with my husband any more?

[Anonymous]

I love my husband very much, we’ve been married 3 year now but I’m not attracted to him any more and I dislike having sex with him, we have had so many arguments about this where he tries to guilt me into giving him sex and I have even told him that if he wants to have sex with another person I am totally ok with that. But he refuses and says that I should want to. I’m just confused because I know I don’t want to have sex with him any more and if I have to choose then I will leave but I don’t want to leave him, i love him. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to open the relationship up to him having another woman and still enjoy everything good in our relationship, I know he loves me too. Did I make a mistake and I shouldn’t have married him and now this is my punishment feeling confused and guilty?

[hhH2traveler]

Well, things like this happen. If you told him he can't have sex with anyone else then you would have been a jerk, its assumed that when you marry somebody you would be willing to have sex with them, but things change, if youve done a good job at communicating to him that you just dont feel attracted to him anymore and dont want to have sex then thats fine, its like youve broken up but better because you still have each other and love each other. I think your problem is that you have a communication problem, you need to just tell him everything you said in the post message. You dont not love him, you still do, your just not feeling sex, you dont want that kind of relationship anymore, he can have it with someone else. But, a question for you to consider, what happens when/ if he gets someone else pregnant, what happens then. He needs to make it clear to anyone he’s seeing that dating is not on the table, not that he would lie about that anyway, buy thats so important to let the other person, or persons know from the get go, the worst thing to do would be to hide that from them.

[Anonymous]

That’s a tough situation. In most relationships, love and sex kind of go hand in hand. People marry with an expectation that sex will be part of the equation. He loves you and wants sex with you and not a random person. That’s completely normal. Open relationships only work if both partners are comfortable with the concept, which he clearly isn’t. To be honest, I don’t know how your marriage will survive. Men are wired differently than we are. They typically need sex to feel emotionally connected to their partner, so he equates your rejection as being unloved. He’ll become more resentful and dejected as time goes on and will eventually seek out a new partner to bond to. If you really want to save this marriage, you’re going to have to compromise on sex and that means not just giving in when he pressures you. It means being an active participant. You might consider seeing a sex therapist to work through whatever your issues with sex are. If you ultimately can’t give him sexual intimacy, then you should probably have an adult conversation with each other about dissolving the marriage.

[Juxtapose]

100%

[Juxtapose]

"They typically need sex to feel emotionally connected to their partner, so he equates your rejection as being unloved. He’ll become more resentful and dejected as time goes on and will eventually seek out a new partner to bond to." You nailed it.

[nomidnight4298]

I'm glad a woman brought up that men need sex to achieve emotional connection. Too many women don't understand this because they typically need the emotional connection first.

[Opinion Owner]

@nomidnight4298 My frequent habit of reading sometimes pays off. You’re correct. Women often need an emotional connection to desire sex, whereas men are typically the opposite. Understanding how the other gender thinks and feels helps maintain your relationship. It also underscores that both partners need to compromise sometimes.

[ragequeen]

Why aren't you attracted to him anymore? Did his apperance change? Is he not who he used to be? Have you fallen for someone else? The reason for this is important, because if you love him, you should really try to fix it. It's sweet of him to decline your offer of an open relationship because I know many people would maybe want that. He loves you and is attracted to you. If you found someone good, you shouldn't give up so easily on them.

You also say that you don't enjoy sex with him anymore. Is it because your needs aren't met? Sexual issues are quite easy to fix, and with a little practice and communication, it can really change.

I would say don't give up yet. Try your best to mend things and if you still feel the way you do, I would maybe consider ending things. Sometimes just loving someone in a relationship is not enough. Sex is important and physical attraction is important. Life is also short so why waste time on someone you're not attracted to and doesn't meet your needs?

[GingerGuy]

Have you ever enjoyed it with him? Sex and the intimacy that comes with it is very important in a marriage. Love or not, I would not want to be in a sexless marriage personally and having sex with someone else (even if you are truly ok with it, which I think you may not be if it were to actually happen?), isn't going to "fix" this. He doesn't want sex with a stranger he feels nothing for, he wants sex with his wife! And this is only going to create even more distance between you in your marriage. I think you need to get couples counselling and figure out why you aren't attracted to him anymore (or is it physically?) and why you don't want to have sex. Because that isn't "normal" and something is very wrong is what this means.

[Confused256]

Well no I don’t think it’s okay. And it’s not normal. Maybe you should spend time together and rekindle things or talk to him about what turns you on. Sex is part of marriage. How would you feel if he just said I no longer feel like financially contributing. It was fun and all in the beginning but I realized I could live a way better life if I just kept my money to myself.
You are destroying your marriage and he will most definitely cheat if he is not getting sex from you. Chances are if you are at the point where you’ll are fighting about it he’s probably already cheated.

[AmandaYVR]

Yeah, that's tough. Very tough.
You cannot fake or create a sex drive out of nowhere.
But he also has a point - sexuality is a part of all humans (pretty much) and sharing that with a spouse is very important to people. It's good/nice that he doesn't want to go outside the marriage. Some men would be thrilled to hear what you offered. Each person is different.
I think if you're absolutely certain there is no way to get your desire for him back (and I mean that - absolutely certain) then you should tell him that. And if he simply cannot handle that information (it's incredibly heartbreaking, right) then it will be his choice to leave the marriage.

The best thing, though, is to really analyze why you don't desire sex with him anymore. You can think about it, read about it, go alone or with him to a sex therapist. If you love him in other ways, you do owe it to him to fix this, or end this, rather than string him along for the rest of your lives.

[Asker]

I’m not trying to string him along and I have been upfront with him though. I don’t want him to be unhappy but he has made the choice not to see other women and begged me no to leave him I don’t even know what to do.

[AmandaYVR]

Oh he also doesn't want you to leave, and you don't want to leave, so, let's see... Does he want to watch you have sex with someone else, and he gets to either hear about, or watch? Some couples find that really amps up their flattened love life. You need to find some way to re-inject sexuality into your life together. Think outside 'normal' traditional norms, if you have to. And remember, it's not "cheating" if you don't go behind each other's backs, but come up with these ideas together. If you want to pm me on this, you can. I have other suggestions which I won't say publicly.

[Screenwriter]

Maybe you husband thought you'd have a one on one relationship with each other and he doesn't WANT to have sex with other women. Ever thought of that?
I think something must be wrong if suddenly after three years you no longer are attracted to your husband. Worse than that, you expect him to up and find someone outside of your marriage to sexually satisfy him.
You SHOULD want to have sex with the man you say you love. If you don't want to and he does, you're absolutely right, you should divorce and at least give him the chance to have a whole marriage: one in which this woman he chooses wants his sexually as well as interpersonally.
You SHOULD feel guilty because you're being completely selfish to expect him to settle for a sexless relationship with you. That's not what he signed up for.
You two should at least go to counseling together to get to the bottom of this. If nothing comes of that, well, it's to divorce court.

[es20490446e]

Accurate.

[djmzes]

Simple
Ask yourself... Will you allow him to go out and have sex with anyone even a prostitute.

Yes or no.

[AshleyTaylorDanny]

I say just get a divorce. Only 3 years and you not attracted anymore don't sound right. I've been married 12 years and we are still all over each other like we are still dating. Maybe go get your hormones checked.

[nomidnight4298]

It's actually very common for marriages to decline at 3 years and most failing marriages will fail in the first 5 years.

[Daniela1982]

If you are married you are required to do your "Wifely duties" ( and men too) or it is grounds for a divorce. Sexual abandonment is not kosher. I would suggest anyone who doesn't any longer want to have sex with their mate to get a divorce. Just having him cheat is not an option as you are asking him to commit adultery. Just break up and be done with it.

[purplepoppy]

Do your duty girl.

[Jmmmfi4]

You read my mind

[OlderAndWiser]

Why did you marry him if you don't want to have sex? That is a normal part of a marriage.

[Asker]

When we got married we had sex probably once a fortnight, just within the last year 2 years than I stopped wanting too and also we have spoken about ending the relationship and he doesn’t want me to leave so it’s not just me.

[OlderAndWiser]

Have you discussed this with your GYN? There are physical problems which can cause a decrease in female libido.

[Asker]

No but I don’t think its about libido because I masturbate a lot.

[OlderAndWiser]

Do you have any children?

[Asker]

No not yet

[OlderAndWiser]

Are you bothered by your failure to satisfy his sexual needs?

[Asker]

I’ve told him he can see other women and we’ve also spoken about leaving and HE said don’t leave so even though I have felt guilty about it before I now feeel like I don’t know I am fully responsible. Yes I made a mistake maybe by marrying him in the first place but a marriage can’t be one person being like a sex toy for the other to use so I’m unsure if this is all my fault like he says it is

[OlderAndWiser]

Did he have any reason to know or suspect that you wouldn't want sex after marriage?

[Asker]

It’s not like I planned this, how was I to know?

[OlderAndWiser]

So what happened that changed everything?

[Asker]

I don’t know! Maybe boredom.

[OlderAndWiser]

That's a rather unsatisfying explanation for something this important!

[Juxtapose]

Yeah.. this is abuse on a whim.

[Flower7]

It sounds like a divorce would be best. This marriage seems to have no purpose. I don't see the point of trying to spend the rest of your life with someone you aren't even attracted to.

[Chriscunning]

Well no it's not really okay.

As soon as you throw sex out, he might as well be married to a drinking buddy, his mom, etc. Humans are physical creatures, and the whole purpose of being in a relationship is to enjoy that and reproduce.

[summiter]

Letting him have sex with someone else is a mistake and it will make your marriage even more complicated. Have you tried to spice up your sex life like you using some lube? different positions? outdoor sex? Maybe consider some couples sex therapy if you want the marriage to work.

As a backup... guys love a good handjob... so lube him up and try that if you are not in the mood for sex. How was your sex life with him early in marriage or before marriage?

[Holisticapproachsara]

That means u no longer want to be with him. Marriage is all about wanting to be with someone forever and grow old with them.

[TonyV]

Why aren't you attracted too him? Is it something he did? Did he gain a lot of weight? Or did you just jump into commitment before you knew what you wanted?

If you aren't attracted to him do you think he is still attractive at all? Do you really think he could even find a sexual partner?

This isn't fair too him, he thought he was getting a real and normal marriage, and I kind of fell as long as you are the one who wants it too not be fair, you should be taking most of the inconvenience. So I kind of feel you need to compromise, which is basiclly what a good relationship is all about, suck it up and have sex with him from time too time. A good compromise would be doing it half as many times as he wants too cause that's 50/50.

You have no right to keep him trapped to you if you aren't going to take his needs seriously, so if he does find a sexual partner I hope he falls in love with her and leaves you.

[AndyOh]

Married for 3 years and you now decide you do not want to have sex with him? At your ages, you both are probably in your sexual prime and should be banging like bunnies.
I feel for your husband. An open relationship is a nice option, but if he loves you too, I doubt the idea of another woman is appealing when his wife is right there.
Love or not, sex is a big deal in most relationships. It might be better to get divorced, then you can find the next guy to marry and drop the sex after a while, and he can find a nympho that will satisfy his needs.
Good luck.

[proteus912]

No it's not okay to not have sex with you. You said yourself that you have lost your attraction to him so the right thing to do is probably end things. It's not fair on him

[modeve]

You have concealed basis for your sexual hate with husband. One may not give you any advice unless finds why don't you like to have sex.

[boggboss]

I would get a divorce in this situation if I was him why be married to a women that is not attracted to me at that point i might aswell be single if she is telling me to fuck others anyway

[naturalgirl]

Do you mind answering my messages when you have the chance please

[Miristheiss]

Divorce is around the corner.

[Celtero]

Marriage and relationships are such a fucking joke.

How does your husband benefit from having you around exactly?

[Asker]

The same way I benefit from having him around, because we love each other. But we have talked about separating and he doesn’t want me to leave.

[Celtero]

So you're one of those women who thinks being a glorified roommate makes a good romantic partner. Let me guess, your husband is the primary earner and he'd lose a lot in the divorce?

[Asker]

Neither of us make much money, but he doesn’t earn more than I do around the same. We don’t have children and don’t own property so there’s nothing to share, I think divorce would be simple but neither of us want to do it

[Celtero]

You two the type of people who have no friends and are afraid to be alone?

[Asker]

I have many friends and he has a few, not afraid just still loving each other and wanting to be together but confused?

[Celtero]

Doesn't make any sense to me. If anything, talk to your doctor and see if it's any medication you're taking.

[YoGirlLeona]

That's pretty shitty, you should just leave for yours and his sake. One of the most important aspects in relationships is sexuality, other than that, it's just a glamorized friendship.