How is God like a lot of men?
A. It's hard to get their attention unless you're on your knees

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled jeeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A: Because their plugged into a genius!
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use some lubricant.

A: Call her and tell her.
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What's the difference between being hungry and horny?
A: Where you put the cucumber

A: Fucking hot!
You think 7 years for a mirror is bad luck? Try breaking a condom.

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