Is saying "the past is the past" a cop-out?

[ImTheDudeDude]

Whenever I read posts about sexual history girls always say "the past is the past". I feel like this is a cop-out. Most girls know past promiscuity is a turn off, and in many cases even a deal breaker. I feel like they say this to avoid consequences for their actions.

Now let me say I don't think there is anything wrong with casual sex or having lots of partners. But I am more sexually conservative and try and limit my partners. I don't have casual sex and think sex is the most intimate thing two people can do and should be reserved between 2 people who care about each other. I am against slut shaming, but I think people should have the right to make their own dating preferences.

I just feel like saying "the past is the past" is not a good response. Yes, it is the past, but I have the right to exclude you from my dating pool because of it. Girls know most guys don't like promiscuous women and I think they use this as a way to avoid consequences for past behavior.

Anyways, what do you all think? Is it a valid excuse or is it a cop out?

[Mysterio421]

It's a cop out of responsibility and self reflection. The past certainly shows someone's character, attitude and potential future behavior. It has been proven with a scientific study as people hook up with a lot of other people, they slowly lose ability to bond with others emotionally. I'll use a car analogy and correlate it to partners. Typically when we are in high school or college, we get our first car. Most cases, it's not a new car. It's a used car with a lot of miles on the odometer. Sometimes it may need repairing or frequent maintenance compared to newer cars. No one wants to drive a used car, but it's a temporary vehicle that they can afford at that moment in time. Sometimes the car will give out and can cause a scene of frustration. The love you have for the car may or may not be there, but it isn't your ideal or dream car. Once you become more financially successful, you trade up to a newer model or type of car that has less mileage and runs smoothly without the breakdowns the previous car had. We take it back to promiscuous women. No man wants a highly promiscuous woman as it not only has its baggage and mainenance but a higher likelihood of STD's. Young and dumb is another excuse that I hear, which is quite annoying. It's basically using an immature cop out line instead of accepting the consequences of choices in the past. Everyone controls their decisions and has to face consequences whether good or bad. If we were to take the "past is the past" excuse and apply it to serial killers, we would have more killers out there who are not only employed but probably repeating the same mistakes which got them in jail to begin with. Imagine you marry a girl and you two discuss credit cards. She brings up her $125,000 debt that she has but she says the past is the past. She is a big spender when it comes to fashion items and clothing. What does that tell you about her? When you hear a line like "the past is a past" or someone is defensive about partner numbers, it's due to a promiscuous past. It's a red flag for me because of the reasons stated above, lack of judgement and lack of accountability. When I read lines on the internet where people say things like: "I've had my fun and I'm ready to settle down now", it cracks me up. It's basically the same thing except the girl wants to get married. Frankly, girls know that having a high partner number is not good. Why do you think some say lines like this and pretend to be innocent? I hope this helps.

[Bandit74]

Of all the things you could reject someone for, promiscuity is one of the few things that you actually had control over. So in my opinion, its less shallow than a lot of the other things people get rejected over. Like girls generally prefer the guy to be taller and have more money in their bank account, but if a guy prefers a girl who has a similar number of sexual partners they cry foul.

Also if the guy is expected to be the higher earner in the relationship and to pay to take the girl out on most of the dates, then I think its understandable he wouldn't want to go through all that effort and invest in a girl who just gave herself to other men for free and hasn't displayed any prior history of monogamy.

[ImTheDudeDude]

Exactly. People get rejected for things all the time. I was rejected for having a tattoo. I was also rejected for experimentingredients with marijuana in the past. Sure, it was in my past, but what difference does that make? She didn't want to date someone who used drugs and that is her right. I just don't get the whole "past is the past" argument. Sure, but the past matters to me.

[Bandit74]

My advice is to pretend you don't care about the past. That way you avoid drama and are more likely to get an honest answer. Then if you find her past unnatractive, either sabotage the relationship or dump her but make up a different reason for why you are ending it. This way you can avoid all the drama of the "past is the past", or being accused of being a "slut-shammer", a "sexist" or whatever other bs they come up with to shame you for your standards.

[Anonymous]

I think only people who have slept with a high number (or wish they were able) think that. Others who are selective in who they sleep with obviously don't think that. That goes for guys and girls.

It's not "the past is the past" because you wouldn't date somebody who took crack last year, or who was a prolific criminal, or let's go extreme and say somebody who raped a woman 10 years ago and hasn't done it since... Why? Because, yes the past is the past, but the choices you make are a big part of who you are. Not everybody will steal, some will, not everybody will sleep around, some will... the things we do, the choices we make, they say something about who we are as a person and where we stand morally. Not everybody will agree with somebody who sleeps around, not everyone will agree with somebody who waits til marriage, but we're all different people and those choices are part of who we are... so dismissing them would be a mistake.

[ImTheDudeDude]

Beautifully put. I agree. It tends to be the people high partner counts who say that. I think our pasts say a lot about who we are and saying the past is the past is just dismissing it.

[Derpyy]

Eh, I think it's valid. I don't care what you've done in your past so long as it won't affect us in the future, i. e. drug addiction, illegal activities... If those issues are off the table then it's none of my business if you've slept with over 100 people. I don't use that number as a modifier for my love/attraction for you. If you treat me well, and I have the power to reciprocate, then we're good. Period.

You do have a right to exclude anyone from your dating pool. But keep in mind that there are plenty of conservative people who would never turn someone down because their beliefs differed.

[ImTheDudeDude]

Just because some conservative people won't turn them down doesn't mean I shouldn't. Look, if you like someone and don't care about their past, more power to ya. It's just something I take more seriously. I want someone with those same values because I would not be comfortable being in a relationship with someone who routinely engaged in casual sex. I feel like the whole "past is the past" thing is kinda a cop-out. Like having your cake and eating it too.

[Derpyy]

? I'm not trying to get you to convert your ways. You asked for others' opinions so here is mine. You are free to feel however you feel. You also do not have to repeat what you've said 3 times already in your question. And my point was that you might be cutting yourself off from other conservative people who wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks like you. Like, a woman who thinks like, "I'm conservative, but I understand and am fine with others who aren't." might not consider dating you because of how you view it. Just let others do their thing and focus on the stuff YOU want. Also also, casual sex is just that: casual. It's merely a physical activity. I'd be more concerned if they were falling in love with people all the time. And before you go into the whole "they should care about their bodies" bit, unless you're vegan and don't drink/eat anything artificial, you also don't care about your body. Hope that clarified some of it.

[ImTheDudeDude]

If other people cut me off for my beliefs then that is fine. People are entitled to choose who they want in their life. And I agree, people have the right to do with their bodies a they see fit. I'm not worried about their health or whatever. If you want to have casual sex, that's fine with me. I just wouldn't date you because of it. It appears we have fundamentallyrics different views on sex. You believe sex can just be a casual act with no emotion attached and I do not. And that's perfectly fine, but that mentality would make someone incompatible with me.

[Derpyy]

Yeah, I've gathered that much about you. All I was doing was showing you how other people might see your mindset. I hope you find what you're looking for (if you're even looking that is).

[ImTheDudeDude]

I've always had respect for people who view sex differently, I just have a difference in opinion. Nothing wrong with having different subjective views I guess. There are plenty of girls out there who think like me. In fact, I have been dating game one for the past 4 months. She's a beautiful girl and I couldn't be happier 😊 Anyways, thank you for the input!

[ImTheDudeDude]

Don't know why "game" is in my last post. Damn autocorrect!

[Derpyy]

You also said "fundamentallyrics" earlier. I giggled myself silly when I read it.

[ImTheDudeDude]

Lol replying from a phone is a nightmare lol. It's autocorrecting things into completely new words

[JohnDoe3000]

@Derpyy "Eh, I think it's valid. I don't care what you've done in your past so long as it won't affect us in the future" Sure, if you had a crystal ball that could tell you it wouldn't affect you in the future, but in real life you don't have that crystal ball so you predict the future based on what happened in the past.

[Shangri-La]

A person's past history is important to me. You can learn a lot about a person's character and potential by learning about their past.

If a guy had cheated in his past there's no way I'd date him. That would be his potential with me. I'd never date a guy who'd been promiscious in the past either , that's a turn off too

We all have a history of some sort , but some things are dealbreakers, other things aren't. That's why it's important to know a person really well before you commit to them

[btbc92]

Not a valid excuse. Because if the person is a changed person then they should have no problem for another person to ask them that question. Because many of them lie and your allowing them to get away with it and throw the: but if you love me, line. "I feel like they say this to avoid consequences for their actions. " That;s exactly the reason why. But now you have to hold those same standards for yourself as well. I don't like promiscuous men either. I'm sure a good amount of women feel the same.

[Wonderer89]

My husband and I both agreed on the past is the past and didn't share numbers. We've spoken in depth about experiences and what we liked and didn't but neither of us felt the need to go into detail. We were happy to make judgements on what we knew of each other and a number simply didn't matter in that regard.
If he'd wanted to discuss it I wouldn't have had a problem with it though, I'm not ashamed of anything I've done

[NyomiMcClinton]

I understand you have a preference for what you like in females, and thats fine. But any female you meet aren't under any obligation to tell you how many partners they have been with. And I can't say that I blame females from keeping that part of their life private. When your young, you make mistake and as adults you still do the same. You learn from them and move on. You dont generally know if that person is truly remorseful about their actions, everyone express themselves differently. And its your judgmental attitude that keep women from revealing that information. Also, you have a lot of men that have slept around also. But it seems that women are under more scrunity, and it should be go both ways.

[ImTheDudeDude]

But most girls know a promiscuous past is a turn off, right? I'm just saying, if you slept around you should accept the consequences of your actions. I think girls lie about their number to avoid consequences for their actions

[Truthatanycost]

No one is under any obligations to tell anyone anything. But you'd be surprised of how many women's promiscuous pasts catch up with them. In fact, a lo of the women that I know that missed out with a decent guy was due to him finding out, but the girls in question have no idea. Sometimes it's things they say that give it away, sometimes it's another guy bragging, their behavior and at times their paranoia or forgetting a lie they told. You don't have to tell anyone anything but your body, past and your emotions speak without you even realizing.

[Nelsoen]

You don't mistakenly have sex with a few dozen guys. It's not a mistake, it's a choice. You sound stupid

[XRabbitHeartX]

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date a promiscuous person. I think most people are chill with this especially if you aren't a hypocrite and sleep around but still demand a virgin girl. You don't seem to think like this though which is great. I agree with everything you say. We can't all just be "down" with something or someone because "it's in the past". That doesn't make sense to me too. It's OK to have preferences and sexual lifestyle IS important.

[enirikiu]

I might be a little young to be answering something like this, but from my view, it could be that the girl is ashamed of what she did and wants to forget it. It might be out of regret, so in my eyes, it could be valid.

[missashleyjames]

I don't think that if you have an actual interest in someone that the number of sexual partners they've had in the past should matter. This applies for both men and women. As long as you've been careful and there's nothing concerning about your history like an STD then it really shouldn't matter. It was before you and as long as she isn't have casual sex now while you're interested in her why does it matter if she did lets say 3 or 4 years ago but stopped? To judge someone and then just decide against them because of the amount of people they've been with in the past over you don't even know how many years is kind of ridiculous.

[dudeman]

not ridiculous at all. she can't untake the dick. there are guys out there that used her as a cum dumpster. can't change that.

[Truthatanycost]

Promiscuity in women is something that turns my stomach and for a lot of men, it is not even a conscious choice, it is biological.

[Nelsoen]

If you had actual interest in someone and they turned out to a felon who was once arrested for child pornography and molestation, would that change your opinion? They told you they don't do stuff like anymore though.

[missashleyjames]

Comparing a girl who's been with multiple guys to a child molsester is just wrong first off. Thing is before you knew this though you were generally interested in her and she could lie and say 2 when really its been like 12 and you'd never know and still be interested in her then. Its all in your head.

[dudeman]

so what if its all in your head? a shit sandwich only taste like shit because your brain says it does. would you like a shit sandwich because its all in your head?

[Truthatanycost]

The truth always slips out. When a person is trying to hide something or is ashamed, in time, it comes out. Your past makes you who you are and it's not just what you say, it's how you act, your energy and your vibe. Those things do not lie.

[Nelsoen]

The fact she lied isn't in my head. Why would I date a liar?

[missashleyjames]

Well hell when I start talking to someone and if it comes up I don't think about lying and even though my number is still low you make me consider it because if a guy I feel like I could have something genuine with will decide I'm not up to par because I've been with a certain number of guys? I mean I guess I don't even know what you consider to be promiscuous. Let's say your number is 5. You're talking to this girl you ask her about it and she says 5 you automatically no longer have any interest. For all you know she may have been in 5 serious relationships. And you wouldn't know at first that she was lying hell you may never find out and if you do by then you could already be in a serious relationship and I'm sure you'd be mad but if it happened to me I know its something I'd be capable of getting over. Guys are promiscuous and its celebrated. You're so cool if you've been with lots of girls while women are shamed for it sometimes even if they've been with just two guys.

[dudeman]

I've left women because of this. Love is a small part of a relationship.

[Nelsoen]

So you'll lie just to keep a guy's interest? That says a lot about your character. I wouldn't date you because you're a liar. You're making my point for me

[missashleyjames]

I didn't say I'd lie. I said you make me want to lie even though I don't feel ashamed of my limited past. No love isn't all that makes a relationship and number sexual partners isn't all that makes up a women. You do realize its not like the number of guys she's been with changes her vagina or make it loose like most of people may believe.

[dudeman]

who cares about her vagina. I care about her soul and her as a human. if she's a ho I don't want her around me.

[missashleyjames]

You don't have be a "ho" to have been with multiple guys. Or like I said what if she's been in multiple serious relationships? And if its like you just said if its her soul and her as a human why would it matter if say at 16 she was a ho and is now 22 has matured and stopped acting promiscuous years ago?

[Nelsoen]

I haven't explained my point of view when selecting a partner yet lol I'm honestly just refuting your argument because it makes no sense at all

[missashleyjames]

I know you haven't explained you view. Although others have commented a little about it. I'm trying to reply to what all 3 of you and everything you say. I just don't think that someone's sexual past should matter if you like genuinely like them and know that you two will be loyal to one another.

[missashleyjames]

Like I explained in my original opinion.

[Nelsoen]

I think that's stupid because you should be judged on your actions. I'm sure a lot of guys will look over a girl's sexual past but most guys won't and I don't shame either party. I just feel like looking over someone's sexual past is a personal decision and shouldn't be expected.

[missashleyjames]

If girls judged on guys sexual past a majority of you would be out of luck. Honestly I don't think in this time and age that guys would look over a girl because of her sexual past. I'm not saying that everyone should do it but in the original question he said something about how girls say "the past is in the past" when asked about it and that's true I don't believe it should be a huge deal in general while I know it will remain that way to some I personally don't think it should be if they were safe and have never had an STD/STI and aren't going to continue to be promiscuous while with you.

[Nelsoen]

Girls do judge guys on their sexual past lol if I were ever to tell a girl about the number of women I've been with they would probably stop talking to me

[missashleyjames]

Okay and then how do you think its fair to judge a girl on her promiscuity when you're just as bad if not worse? I don't know if its just me and my friends or where I live but generally women do not judge the guy on their sexual past unless it included cheating.

[Truthatanycost]

Serial monogamy is also something guys will look out for.

[Nelsoen]

I never said I judge women on their promiscuity lol in fact, I have yet to reveal how I judge women

[Truthatanycost]

@dudeman I've been interested in women and backed off completely after accidentally discovering (and verifying) they had a promiscuous past. It's quite possible that a lot of women miss out on meeting a guy and have no idea their past is the reason. That was all back when I used to be interested in relationships, nowadays so many women are promiscuous that I simply do not even bother anymore. Needles in haystacks.

[missashleyjames]

@Nelsoen I'm not talking about you specifically Im trying to address all of them

[dudeman]

if at any point she was a ho she's a no go.

[dudeman]

most women will be overlocked, most kids will not have fathers in their lives. in this time and age this is what women wanted. and they got it.

[dudeman]

@Truthatanycost id like a relationship however id have to go out 365 days a year for 4-5 hours just to meet 1 women that meets my criteria that I'm attracted to. so fuck it. booze and video games it is.

[Truthatanycost]

@dudeman Yep, but don't forget the workouts too, there is something about sculpting a strong and defined physique as a man. I find it a great and satisfying challenge. I also play video games and drink when I feel like it.

[what-do-guys-want]

The past is the past. No one can go back and change what they did or didn't do. So why should anyone sit around dwelling on the choices we made? If someone made a choice which ended up being a mistake then that is a life lesson. Why judge someone for living before they met you?

[CancerianMan81]

well as long you learned from it and don't do it again

[what-do-guys-want]

Very true

[ImTheDudeDude]

Because their past is a reflection of who they are and if you have a promiscuous past it's clear we have different views on sex.

[jamesma87]

The past makes us who we are. I think its both a valid and invalid excuse depending on the situation.

Maybe she did some things once a long time ago so or maybe she did things more recently. Maybe the thing she did was very serious and maybe the things were much smaller.

In the end I think it's fair that you get the whole side of the story and are able to make a decision on your own as to whether it's something you're okay with.

But I will offer a word of caution as I learned from experience myself:
There's never really a good number of partners that a woman has most of the time and it's better to not ask about her sexual past. As long as she's clean then thats great... you are better off not knowing how many guys she's been with as it can spark emotions even when the sexual partner count is average for someone her age. Sometimes ignorance is bliss

[QooLipBite]

"The past is the past"

- Where there is smoke, there is fire. People rarely undergo such a drastic change in such a short period of time. Some guys have learnt that the hard way.

You are free to make any decision you want with your body, however you are not free from the consequences that follow. Being excluded from a choice pool is one of them and you should be accountable for it due to your chasteful actions of your youth.

There is NOTHING wrong with excluding someone from your dating pool because it's your choice, whether or not you want to love them. In fact it should be encouraged, to eliminate those that aren't going to be worth your time and sacrifices for a relationship.

[Hidden_P]

The past is the past.

It might not be an excuse but will it change it? Only depends on the persons perspective.

[kellyg83]

"the past is the past" is the equivalent to the moronic saying "the devil made me do it." total cop out from all angles.

[OlderAndWiser]

If this "past-is-the-past" excuse is valid, then it shouldn't matter to your girlfriend that you just got out of prison for murdering your last girlfriend.

[JohnDoe3000]

A bit dramatic but basically you're right: why would promiscuity be the one thing where past actions don't correlate with future actions?

[OlderAndWiser]

@JohnDoe3000 Yes, it is an extreme analogy I used to make the point, but it makes the point very effectively. Sometimes, you need to use extreme examples to get someone's attention.

[Sonjita]

Lol
Look, it's just that when you have a new partner you don't want to bring everyone else into the relationship. You don't want to talk about exs. These guys who pressure girl to say some number are insecure and lack respect. And whatever number she says, it's probably not gonna be what you want to hear, and probably not even true, so why obsess over it?

[ImTheDudeDude]

It's not necessarily insecurity. I agree, if guy is promiscuous he would an insecure hypocrite for letting it be a problem. But some people look at sex differently and want a partner to share that view. And if a girl lies about her number she is being selfish. A guy has the right to decide if they want to be with a girl with a promiscuous past and by lying you are denying him that right to continue the relationship

[Sonjita]

I personally would not care about what some guy thought of my number of partners and if it would be a problem for him I wouldn't even care to date him.

[ImTheDudeDude]

And that is perfectly fine. Just curious though, would you consider yourself more promiscuous or more conservative. I find more promiscuous people place less emphasis and sexual history

[Sonjita]

I guess I'm somewhere in between. There's only one life, sometimes I just want to do what feels good without telling myself to be like this or that or wondering what someone else might think. :)

[ImTheDudeDude]

If you are living the life you want to live then that is great. I never shame anyone for having different preferences. I guess not everyone is compatible and that's ok.

[Sonjita]

You know I was madly in love with my best friend throughout all of our high school years, but I never told it to him. In my mind he was perfect. I got into a relationship with his friend mainly to see his reaction. There were many guys and girls after that one. Some better some worse. And he on the other hand is still waiting for someone special. He says he will know when he sees her. I just hope he doesn't regret all that waiting. If we got together back then I think we could have stayed together forever. He used to say I were a rebellious lady, I wonder if he considers me a slut now.

[dudeman]

how is it insecurity?

[RinRinSaysLol]

It's a cop out. If you know that you we're about to do something that might negatively affect the future, why do it?

[abc3643]

Yes, it IS a cop-out.
It doesn't work with Parole Boards.

[deraz24]

people should own up to what they do whatever it is, it's always gonna be something that happened in their life so

[ThisDudeHere]

I sincerely believe it is a cop-out. The past is a part of you, it shapes you. It is not to be buried away simply because that's what's convenient.

[AleDeEurope]

"The past is the past"
Translation: "I've spent years riding the cock carousel and now that I've been used up I need an easy mark to listen to me bitch and whine about my shit life decisions 24/7 and won't complain but hey at least there's only a 100% -chance- of me cheating on you I mean that's the meaning of respect right? :)"

[Rissyanne]

Just dont date those girls. No one is putting a gun to your head. If guys dont want to date them... so what.

[Luci92]

I don't think it's a cop out. Not an excuse, but not a cop out either.

[Chico_brah]

Dem down votes.. had to make it 4 luci.

[Luci92]

@Chico_brah :( :( brb deactivating...