Sexual Relationships
+1 y

My boyfriend said no birth control, no sex?

Okay so I’ve been on birth control since I was 17. I’m now 19 & I live with my boyfriend. I take the shot every 3 months and I absolutely HATE it. I have spotting randomly and sometimes it lasts for 2-3 weeks. I don’t have a normal period anymore & it makes me very hormonal. My parents made me go on birth control and I’ve just been on it since then. My boyfriend told me that if I quit birth control that he won’t have sex with me. We use condoms every single time so it’s not like we aren’t using them. I just don’t think it’s fair for him to tell me that because birth control in general has its side effects and he’s not the one on birth control I am & if something were to occur eventually he wouldn’t be the one dealing with it, I would. I’ve only stayed on it so we can have sex and I’m finally tired of it. What do I do and is this fair?
Updates:
+1 y
*EDIT* my boyfriend told me his concerns about having a child at our age & neither one of us are willing and or wanting a child. I’ve just decided to look into another form of birth control. Now I don’t think he was being unfair because he is looking out for the both of us. Although, I understand why he said no sex because condoms aren’t always effective & I would be fertile once again and he doesn’t want to risk an accident.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • While your bfd's desire to avoid an unwanted pregnancy is understandable, his indifference to the effects of birth control on your health is, frankly, appalling. To be sure, based on the way you wrote the question you make it seem as if he IS indifferent to your well being and that his tone was harsh.

    For that reason - and by no means not trusting you - I would want to hear his side of the story. That said, you report side effects that are not insignificant and should not be dismissed lightly. So for that reason the question becomes one of where the responsibility lies and it is clear that, at bare minimum, he has put all the burden on you.

    This is certainly not defensible and therefore my suggestion would be to agree to his terms. Hand him a pack of condoms and say that is what you will both use for birth control henceforward.

    They are effective, they are cheap, and condoms place the burden on him to meet the expectations that he appears to be demanding. It also, to some extent, tests the degree to which he is placing his desires above your physical safety.

    Let me stop here to add that I have fathered three children out of wedlock with my girlfriend of 14 years. (The first two unplanned pregnancies.) I have also fathered two other children - one was miscarriage and in fact I never knew that the woman was pregnant until she told me years later. The latter I lost when the gal I was dating and thought I was in love with had an abortion without telling me. It was, by far, the most searing, shattering experience of my life and I miss the little baby I never got to hold in my arms more than words can say.

    So I can at once understand your boyfriend and at the same time not. Frankly, from the first time I lost my virginity at age 16, not sure why but my attitude was that if I made a baby that I would step up to the plate. (In fact, as my girlfriend will tell you, I am the most besotted milksop of a Daddy you could ever imagine.)

    Frankly, as you can tell, I was never big on birth control. (In fact, it is a wonder my girlfriend and I don't have ten children.) I have never cared and, honestly, it is a bit embarrassing to admit, but the idea of having sex and making a baby was always a bit of a turn-on. Something natural and instinctive.

    Still, for a time my girlfriend was on birth control and, as with you, she had negative side effects. That I would not risk and so she stopped and - this was my choice - we reverted to condoms.

    Although a little awkward, the idea that they made that big a difference to how our sex felt is an overstatement. More to the point, just knowing my girlfriend was safe and healthy was more important to me.

    Long way around, it should be the same for you. I don't know enough about your relationship to each other to more than generalize, but a man who is willing to put his pleasure and safety before yours' is not a man to be with over the long term.

    In my place, we eventually dropped the condoms altogether because we both decided that we wanted a raw and natural sex and that having a baby was something we could live with and indeed wanted. Though the first two, now ages 10 and soon to be 9) came a bit earlier than we expected. Still, I see them now and no regrets. AT ALL.

    So to the extent that sex matters to both of you, speaking from my perspective, it is not unreasonable for you to expect him to take on some of the responsibility. Certainly if your health is a consideration. Handing him those condoms then will determine if your sex together is about both of you - or just him.

  • Well first of all i highly doubt he would keep that promise of no birth control no sex. Few men could. Yes the pill does have side effects. Are tehy better than the shot?

    You could try saying fine then " i will just masterbate" and see what he says. I would say tell him you can just do oral or if you do it anal but there are many guys who will take you up on that.

    I know you might hear lie to him that you are doing it, but some guys like to ejaculate inside even with a condom so they do break. I thought i had a girl pregnant in college became i went inside and when i pulled out the rubber was already broke.

    Communication is key and it sounds like he is saying "Im the boss of this family" and reality it should be discussed. You could tell him that he could take a shot ( There are some steroids that act as male birth control in addtition to growing muscle some are sort of legal and others are not) you could also tell him that since its so important that he could get a vassectomy as they are reversible.

    If you are on the pill why are you using condoms? I mean I used them too early in many relationship it seems as the relationship progresses they quit getting used.

Most Helpful Girls

  • While it is responsible of him to realize that pregnancy is a risk when having sex, that doesn't negate the fact that he's basically using sex as leverage to control you. It is never good to give your partner the ultimatum of continuing to have sex, or continuing to live with inconveniences being caused by hormonal contraceptives.

    So... your choice. Be with him and do what he tells you to do, or stick to your guns and probably be dumped. (trust me, from my own experience of having negative side effects from birth control, it's not even the sex that you're sticking around for it. It's the fact that him wanting sex with you makes you feel desirable as a whole. Once you ditch the HBC, you'll see that sex off of it is SO much better.)

  • You both have valid points. But I think he's more right here. You should feel happy that he's being so responsible.
    I know birth control pills etc. are a pain. Is he sympathetic? You should talk to your doctor about trying something else. It's rare to be on one and done, no side effects, no significant adjustment time. The one advantage is that if and when you get that sorted out, you can stop your periods, almost completely. There is no medical need to have them at all. You've got to get the hormone dosages right though. Try aiming for that.
    (But that doesn't protect you both against STDs and infidelity, so using both really is the most wise.)

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  • I think your boyfriend is very smart. In my observations on GAG many women are not on any form of birth control so they take Plan B every time they have sex. Not only is that stupid but its expensive. I was on the Depo Provera injection for 15 years and it completely stopped my periods. Sometimes others will spot constantly. I agree, you need to be on some form of birth control. I have a Mirena IUD and I love it. It has stopped my periods and no spotting.

  • I totally understand that you don't like these side effects - who would? But the Depo shot is not your only BC option - there are many different variations of hormonal BC, and it's normal for some girls to have trouble with some of them - that's why so many options exist.

    You need to be advising your gyno that the shot isn't working for you and why, and explore your alternatives. This is exactly what such doctors are for, and these are EXTREMELY common requests that they hear, so they're used to providing solutions and alternatives.

    I also understand that your boyfriend seems like he's being unreasonable, but pregnancy is a BIG, BIG DEAL and he's being responsible, even if he's kind of being a jerk about HOW he's going about it. He's clearly not ready to be a dad, so his position is understandable, but so is yours. I really think the solution lies with your doctor.

  • Seems uncaring more than unfair. Might be time to shop for a new boyfriend.

    • I disagree. I see him being protective of her and himself by not allowing an unplanned pregnancy. There's plenty of different alternatives in birth control she can change to minimize the side effects. And condoms get holes or break all the time. It's not like he has a pill to take instead. Sounds responsible to me.

    • @PinkMichae or maybe he should get his tubes tied

    • @Broken_doll Do you mean a vasectomy? And if so why should he have a permanently procedure to stop him from ever having kids? I doubt she even wants that. She never mentioned he never wanted to have kids. That would be stupid permanent alternative.

    • Show All

  • Have you tried birth control pills? There are so many kinds. Myself and my daughter both had to take them to adjust horrible periods. For her the first pills made her really angry. I had one that did the same thing. It seems high progestin pills don't do well with us. I got her one one that was closer to the one that worked for me and her mood got better. I think shots and rods can be pretty hard on some people.

    If you don't want to use hormones that you are going to have to use some additional thing with the condoms like a spermicide gel or insert, a sponge or an old fashioned diaphragm with the condom. I think your boyfriend is right. You need something with the condom.

    • Yes I’ve actually tried pills and I can’t remember to take medication to save my life. I had trouble remembering to take it every day and I was told I had to take it at the same time every day and I never could.

  • Well one, it is true that this is your choice, however the reason why he is adamant is more then likely because he doesn't want you to get pregnant or try to get pregnant without his knowledge and destroy his life (as has happened to many many men). So he is paranoid but for a reason. However again, this is your choice and if you think this is the right choice, then stop taking the birth control (hormonal birth control is terrible for you anyway so I would suggest not doing it for that alone).

    If he doesn't want sex he doesn't want sex (and if you guys cannot talk it out (which you should do and explain why you are going to stop and ask him why its so important to him that you be on it (and I would do research and point to all the many negative things it does to you (their is plenty of scientific documentation showing it affects mood, sexual drive, desire for children (it convinces your brain your pregnant so you stop wanting kids after being on it for some time), as well as several other things).

  • There are two sides to this. For the most part, it seems like a good idea to me. It's always best to be very protected against pregnancy if you're not ready to become a parent. Maybe you should try the birth control pills instead of the shot so maybe there would be less side effects.

    I do understand what you're saying though, as far as already using condoms. That should be decent protection against pregnancy on its own. And yes, all internal birth control does have side effects, such as risk for cancer or blood clots.

    You'll just have to weigh how important this relationship is to you against how much it bothers to take birth control. Your boyfriend seems to be stubborn and unyielding about the idea of you saying on birth control. So I don't think changing his mind on that will be an option. It seems to be down to either dealing with all his "rules" or finding a relationship with someone else.

  • How about changing your method of birth control. Perhaps an IUD? Something to discuss with your doctor. I can understand your boyfriend's concern about you not getting pregnant.

    • I see your update. Yes I do have to hand it to your boyfriend for his concern about you not getting pregnant. He is being responsible and conscientious.

  • Look at other options there are other things you can use! I think it’s really mature and respectful of your boyfriend and he knows what he wants. Other than condoms (which is making it not as fun for him already so he is making some sacrifice) there’s not much he can do.

  • I'm sure if they made a pill for men your boyfriend would take it. But tbh your boyfriend sounds like he's being very responsible because condoms are not 100% effective. With condoms and you using birth control it's very unlikely a unplanned pregnancy will occur.

    So you may think he's being insensitive but it's better than you ending up pregnant before you're ready.

    I get you probably don't like him telling you what to do with your body or he won't have sex with you. But don't forget legally if you get pregnant he'll no longer have a say and will have to except you're decisions that affects his life too. At least at this point he has a say in not letting that happen.

    I would also look at his decision to be him protecting you as well as himself.

    Good luck.

  • If having a shot for birth control isn't suiting you see the doctor about trying something else like the pill.

    Also if your convinced him using condoms is enough (for most people it usually is) just don't tell him you've stopped birth control unless he wants to go bareback. If there is a slip up then there is the morning after pill as a backup plan

    • This is very bad advice. Always be honest with your partner. ALWAYS. Especially regarding matters of sex. If you have a disagreement, then face it head on, and either fix it or end it.

  • Talk to you physician to see what alternatives you have. If there is no other way, I’d promise tell him that you can’t stand the birth control. I think if he doesn’t care about how you feel, it’s not someone that you should be with. Specially at your age, you should see a man that values how you feel and not punish you for something you have no control of.

  • Your boyfriend is a dick

  • Who the hell is he to tell you what you have to do or not do? Go and tell that fucker to wank in a cup and get his sperm frozen, and get his nut's tied off. He doesn't like it? Well tell him not to worry, it's reversible if the fuse blows on the freezer.
    I'm curious as to why you use condoms if you're on birth control as you live with your boyfriend, but that's not really the point. Technology has moved on, there are things he can take (like a dose of 'grow the fuck up' for a start) and if he knows that you're suffering because of the contraception that you're on, but doesn't care - you're just a fuck toy to him anyway, so you might as well bail now and don't waste any more of your life with this dickhead. 18-24 age range? You should be having fun, amazing sex, adventures (safe ones) etc, not fighting battles with hormones - that's for later in life, ditch this tosser and get out and find a real man.
    This is NOT fair.

  • ''if something were to occur eventually he wouldn’t be the one dealing with it''

    That comment shows severe shortsightedness.

  • The chances of getting pregnant are much higher if you're not on birth control so I think it's definitely worth dealing with the side effects

  • I love birth control. someday I hope to be able to cum inside a girlfriend all the time because she is on it... but this dude is being mean and unreasonable. The pull out method can be effective. its always worked for me. but if he is so worried then he should use a condom. if there is a problem then you should offer to pay for the morning after pill. but this dude is out of line.

  • He sounds like a sensible guy, realises he's not ready for kids. There are different types of contraceptive, speak to a medical professional about options. There have been trials on male contraceptives so you can ask about those.
    at least he isn't getting you up the duff then reneging on any responsibilities, even if he is being a little overly cautious if you use condoms too

  • it's your body and you have to deal with the side effects, so it should be your choice. I never took birth control in my life because of the horrible side effects. I never had one guy say he would leave me because of it. I would use the rhythm method or condoms and I've never been pregnant.
    In short, dump his ass

  • Stop using it if its what you want. No sex is more important than what he demands. Using condoms is 95% safe from pregnancy so i think he is being unreasonable

  • well you can go off birth control and then see how long he lasts without sex, it can only go 3 ways, he stays with no sex (chances are slim), he crawls back for sex with or without birth control or... he cheats

    • He doesn’t need sex to be happy and that’s a fact. He stayed with a girl who never had sex with him for 9 months and they probably would’ve stayed together longer than that if she hadn’t dumped him so I will literally get nothing if I go off birth control.

    • then looks like you lost this battle 😂 thats good tho but foreal, best ways that gives the higher chances of everything going goof for both of you would be to have a serious convo with him about the situation, its how healthy relationships work, they talk shit out and work on a solution together, try convincing him that wearing condoms is still a decent amount of protection, his fear seems to be that he doesn't want to be a father yet, can't blame him if y'all are still young but i believe that as long as y'all are careful with it then it should all be good, he can wear a condom and he can still pull out eith the condom, if he doesn't go so hard then thr chances of the condom breaking are slimmer, talk it out, im not saying to just bring it up, a serious convo, both sit down and talk it out, try figuring out the core to his problem on why he doesn't want to and comfort him and try helping him get through it, if u do im sure you'll get your sex and he will be more comfortable having sex without the control.

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