My boyfriend wants a threesome and said he wants to have sex with other women and if I won't have a threesome with him he will cheat on me?

[Anonymous]

I have loved him for 9 years. He told me after church one day after moving to California together that he wants to have sex with other women and if I won't have a threesome with him, he will cheat on me. Of course this broke my heart. About a year later I found his secret email address in which he had sent hundreds of emails on Craigslist looking for sex/threesomes with naked pictures of him/ and of me in some of them with his phone number. He promised he wouldn't do it again, but he has done other things that I just can't trust him. He swears he loves me but I dont know...

[bobair]

This is a unique situation because he was honest enough to tell you that his drive to have sex with other women was so strong that it HAD to happen, no matter what. This is rare when I see so many couples unwilling to be this open and honest about their inner struggles.

Since he TOLD you he was going to do it, and you seemed to have stayed with him anyways, and without any type of real conversation about his issues (I'm assuming here) then it's hard for me to hate the guy.

I mean your own personal happiness and sexual safety are pretty much in your own hands, and when someone says, "I'm about to go screw other women" they're basically TELLING you that there's an enormous risk ahead.

It was at that point that you should have got counselling together, considered his proposal of shared sex, or moved on... all to keep yourself safe and sound.

I wouldn't spend too much effort trying to make him wrong, or to make yourself feel right and justified in this situation... it kinda sounds like you were both pretending it was going to be alright.

I've been cheated on and I wish I was given the chance to know about it before it happened... because then I could feel like an active participant in where my life was headed, instead of a casualty of infidelity.

I'm sorry to hear about your turmoil, I hope you make yourself a priority moving forward!

~ Robby

[Asker]

I tried to get to him to go to counseling as there were other issues as well... and he refused saying he is not going to listen to someone else on how he should live his life. During fights he would be mean about other women though and say I am going to go fuck this girl, or this girl at work wants to fuck me maybe I will hook up with her... using these lines to torment me and cause me to be more insecure but then go on to say I love you Im sorry.

[bobair]

We teach others how to treat us. When he was treating you poorly you taught him that it was okay, as long as he said "oh sorry." I hope you can see this now. In this life you're first responsible for you and your well being. If you're choosing to be in a painful relationship then you should also consider counselling, in order to avoid this same relationship in the future? I'm sorry to hear how awful he was, I hope you're in a safe happy place now!

[MrOracle]

It's one thing for him to express a desire for a threesome - lots of people have this desire, at least for the fantasy of it. But it's a whole other thing for him to threaten to cheat on you. That's coercion, and something a partner who actually loved you would never do.

The simple answer is to break up with him, develop some self-esteem, and find better guys to date (or, even better, remain single for a while).

[Asker]

Actually I have always been really nice to other guys who asked me out. I have always just love this guy. I really dont like being called a ho or being accused of being rude to people... Everyone can say what they want that I was a doormat etc... but the truth is I really was just in love and foolish to keep believing his lies.

[muspelhem_5]

@RajeshTheJeshter: Lol, bitter much?

[kiler1000]

more like she's finally opening her eyes.

[RajeshTheJeshter]

Less bitter than the ho that dated a douchebag is gonna be in a year or two. :P She's gonna die alone now. lol. I'm gonna marry a string of twenty year old babes.

[MrOracle]

"Actually I have always been really nice to other guys who asked me out. I have always just love this guy" That's my point. I have no doubt that you ARE really nice to the other guys who have asked you out - almost certainly TOO nice, and to guys who didn't deserve it, which is why they hurt you and don't respect you. Just as girls respect and desire guys who are confident and have high self-worth, guys respect girls who have those same traits. People with low self-worth and self-esteem, who are "nice" to the point of being a doormat, tend to get used and hurt by partners who don't respect them and don't care if they hurt them. My hope is that you smarten up, toughen up, and learn to value yourself more, and learn to make guys EARN your respect and care (and recognize that many/most of them won't earn it, and thus shouldn't get it). Only then will you be happy.

[crystalt70]

I think everyone has basically covered it. Need I say more? It's one thing for women to say "dump him" for this or that, but pay very close attention to the responses of the men. Who knows a man's true intent better than another man. Fyi, I had a boyfriend who gave me a similar ultimatum. I was 17 and gave in. He did what he threatened anyway, despite the fact that I gave him what he wanted. Little did I know, he did it even before the ultimatum as well. He has broken your trust in more than one way already and hid things from you. If some man who was supposed to care about me even dared to put up pics of me in advertisement, his butt would be grass and a lawsuit would be slapped on him. He was basically trying to pimp you out without your knowledge. Instead of him getting money, he gets to bust a nut (or several). He probably already has.

[SilenRose]

What the actual fuck is this? You already knew the answer before posting this question. Like everyone else has said (except for one) you need to dump him pronto! This man has no respect for you. From what you wrote it seems he has already cheated on you in addition to sharing naked photos of you to strangers. I still can't believe he asked- no threatened to cheat on you if you don't participate in a threesome after leaving church. Lets also take note that he said he wouldn't leave you which is what you might be stuck on. "If he really didn't want to be with me then why doesn't he break up with me?", is what some women think. Guys like this will get comfortable with one woman because he knows no matter what he does she will always take him back. In short your a doormat for him and no one respects a doormat.

[Paris13]

It doesn't have to be etched in stone here, dear, that he is Not into a Real Relationship with you or Just You... It's all about his obsession with sex and everything else that is written on the walls and all.
Unload him, dump him like yesterday's trash. He doesn't respect you and with you having loved him for '9 years' and still counting, is also telling me that his 7 year itch is here to stay and... Won't go way.
He will never change, will probably just get worse. This is going down a badly beaten path and will only end up to be War of the Roll in the hay Roses with More girls in store.
He may care about you in his own so-called 'Special' way but love you? He only loves himself and only God knows any other dirty secrets.
Good luck. xx

[bomba78]

hahaha he said this after church yes? and then people ask me why I think religion and all that hypocritical shit is useless...

So now to the question. It's really easy. He needs to be dumped ASAP. He has no respect for your opnion and wishes whatsoever. "either have a 3some with me or I'll cheat" What the fucking fuck? If that were my boyfriend he would have the boot so far up his ass he couldn't sit for a month.

[OverTheHill]

Kick him to the kerb and run for the hills! He doesn't love you, you are just there until he finds someone else. No guy who loves you will ever give you an ultimatum like this. Sounds like a shit bag to me!

[Stacyzee]

He's forcing you to agree with something.

Doesn't seem like he respects or loves you.
I would leave him.

He's willing to break your trust (by cheating) for his own selfish needs if you don't agree to what he wants.

How can a healthy well balanced relationship exist if he's operating that way? It can't !
As much as it may hurt , you are better off alone.

[Chuga]

The writing is on the wall Anonymous, unless you are in an open relationship or privvy to things of that nature, you will not find many men who want to cheat on you, at least if they loved and cared about you properly.

Trust is very, very important in any relationship, romantic or otherwise and if there is no trust, there is pretty much no relationship. I would advise that you break things off, it is unhealthy to be blackmailed into doing things. Rather let him go and do what he wants instead of the emotional blackmail of having someone willingly cheat on you.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

He's just manipulating you and he doesn't love you

[Hannah591]

He doesn't truly love you and he doesn't respect your decisions. That's a huge sign that you should leave him. You can do better!

[dragonfly6516]

Fuck that noise. LEAVE HIM. I'm polyamorous myself, but I have a serious problem with the blatant lack of respect detailed here. There are plenty of women out there who are OK with sharing and open relationships, but the majority are monogamous. He can't expect you to just be OK with something like this. You can't choose to feel how you feel here, and if you're a monogamous person then he should respect that, and you!

[MistiGal]

that's giving you an ultimatum! don't be treated like that... talk to him and let him know how you feel and if you are strong enough to walk away then say it to him but if you do, you need to mean it! ... he isn't listening to what your needs are...

[Neko_Chan]

Break up with him.
mentalinthemidwest.files.wordpress.com/.../asshole.jpg

[Vesuvius87]

Wow I wonder why isn't he your ex boyfriend by now? That's an immediate deal-breaker.

[Onyx277]

This guy is a worthless piece of shit. He's lying, he does not love you and he will do it again. Get rid of him immediately.

[Lauren-green]

You need to leave him, what he has done is wrong. It is not right the way he is cheating on you, and from what you have said, it seems that he is unloyal, and I believe that you should dump his sorry a$$

[OlderAndWiser]

If this guy really loved you, he would not have done all of these things. I don't know how you could ever trust him again. If you can't trust him, your relationship is over. I'm sorry for you, but he sounds like a tremendous jerk.

[Lioness]

WTF? Are you for real?

[madhatters4]

it's fine for a guy to want a threesome but to give an ultimatum that it's either a threesome as well as an open relationship or he'll cheat...

DUMP HIM!
... unless you're into that stuff

[silverfeline]

DUMP HIM! DUMP HIM NOW! how dare he threaten you to have a threesome for him! He obviously does not love you to do such a thing and probably has already cheated on you since he has already shown he has no care for you in this situation.

[Red_Arrow]

You can trust him in one way... He told you that he will cheat on you if you do not agree to a threesome. Believe that and trust that. He will cheat. In fact he probably has already and most likely has for years. You know for a fact he has been "advertizing" on the internet for sex with others. You also know he has been sending your picture out to others. He will continue to do that and there is NO doubt about that! You have two choices. Stay with him and be a doormat for him while he continues doing what he is doing; or change it all now and leave!

[Hippieswithchains]

That's messed up man. You deserve so much better.

[godfatherfan]

your poll doesn't make sense.
It is a shame this happened. It certainly must be very difficult.
All you can do it leave him and move on with your life. Certainly easier said then done.
But the only reason anyone wants a 3some of any kind is that they are no longer love the person they are with the same as they did. Nobody that truly loves someone would every want them having sex with another person.
Plus, now that you know he has cheated on you, can you ever trust him again? no, of course not. once a scumbag cheating piece of shit, always one.
if you can find a therapist I very much recommend that. If not, there are usually support groups in the area. you need to move on and find someone that deserves to be with you. he has showed he is a lowlife.

[itsallover]

He's evidently blackmailing you. Save yourself the hurt and just leave him.

[Yc2K15]

your voting poll makes no sense, you can't vote for a question as an answer.
The answer is he doesn't deserve you if he doesn't want to be faithful. There are plenty of men who would be happy to be loyal to you and he has to understand that you can get sex a lot easier than him. He most likely has cheated on you a lot of times, because if he is willing to say he will do it, then he is covering for his guilty conscience. Also you should take legal action about the pictures as it is a massive invasion of your privacy and is illegal. P. s He sounds like a real dick!

[Asker]

i will talk to talk to a lawyer about this because it is terrible that my pictures are in other peoples possession

[Yc2K15]

Yeah do it, he doesn't deserve to be loved by a woman if he doesn't know how to respect her.

[Lyndsielee666]

Why are you still with the douchebag

[xXiTacoXx]

LEAVE HIM!

[PiuBelloAmante]

you are dumb for even staying with him after he said some shit like that

[Xelebrum]

If your boyfriend actually has the gall to threaten you with infidelity if you don't do what he wants, then you need to drop him NOW. This will NOT end well for you. Do not be weak.

[Xelebrum]

"I love you, I mean it, but I swear I'll cheat on you and break your hurt if you don't do what I want" - Says no man who actually loves his woman, EVER.

[Xelebrum]

*heart

[slatyb]

Wow, he should have told you that he wanted to have threesomes about nine years ago. It's really shitty that he repressed this evidently very important desire for so long, and now he is blackmailing you into doing something you don't want to do. I don't see much love for you. Let him have his threesome with two other women while you go find someone who really loves you.

[Jbgurl20]

I feel sorry for you dear. That kind of man doesn't deserve your love. He doesn't love you cuz if he does then he would not ask you to do something like that and he would never ever cheat. He is obviosly not being faithful to you with that secret account of him. You don't deserve him. I know it hurts but you should do what is best for you, break up with him. He doesn't love you. He is an a-hole.

[RajeshTheJeshter]

Just curious, is it the Asker yourself reporting me reply, or is it White Knights? Was it a moderator?

I feel like this site engages in WAY too much censorship. But I suppose rules are rules. Lemme revise my comments.:

Everybody should accept and live with the consequences of their choices.
I'm not that bitter. I just don't feel like I should treat women (and men to a certain extent) with victim complexes with kid gloves. I'm not a victim. So I'm not bitter. Get it? Of course not...

[Asker]

there is something seriously wrong with you to be so rude to me, when you dont know me. i am going to die alone? really you think that is a comment you should make? im 29. my life isn't over and i did leave him!

[Tthorpe16]

Read what you just wrote, does that sound like he loves you? DUMP HIM!

[steveguitar]

If you are not interested in it and he is going behind your back, that is not a relationship, it is almost as if he is using you to satisfy one part of himself and using other people to get his sexual desires met... and then throwing you in the middle. And it sounds like you do not want the threesome or anything more than the two of you. Meaning its time to leave

[reptocarl]

He's already cheated on you. He's a jerk and an asshole. Dump him

[evenlift]

Just dump him.

[fun-weird-guy]

Break up with him because if he loved you he would not threaten to cheat on you.

[areyaready4this]

Your poll makes NO sense. You can't poll questions and thoughts. You poll answers.

At any rate, dump him and never look back. If he loved you, he'd never make a threesome an ultimatum let alone threaten you with cheating.

True love is gentle, kind, and GIVING. Love doesn't threaten you or anyone other than evil.

[Miss_Sissy]

He is an idiot! Why are you wasting your time being with him! You should break up with him!

[cinderelli]

leave him..

[MyUsernameRules]

If he wants a threesome, he doesn't love you.

[Asker]

he said every man wants a threesome and good luck finding a guy that won't want one.

[MyUsernameRules]

He's an idiot. I personally would never do a threesome, even if a girl insisted on doing it with me.

[kiler1000]

at ne point in a man's life, most fantasized of a threesome... till we mature.

[kiler1000]

one, sorry.

[ClariceOwen23]

I'd say you should leave him. He's being selfish and I don't think he really loves you. I'm sorry to say it but that's what I really think. He might enjoy threesomes, but you're not obligated to have them with him. And cheating is never a good thing. Just dump him already.

[muspelhem_5]

He souds like a keeper...

[front2back]

What a fucking piece of shit.

[Jersey1]

He sees you as an object to be shared for his desires. He is bad news. You should move on as he will always pressure or cheat.

[Yassminbrooks]

He's a piece of shit. Time spent with someone doesn't count all the time its if you click for marriage. That just really messed up for him to say that. Find someone better and shove it in his face.

[foreverxinsanity]

Break up with that douche bag.

[Jaydog666]

Dump him. A man will never share his woman with another person if he cares for her. Also a man will never cheat on the woman he loves.

[Jbgurl20]

I agree with you.

[Dim121]

Run from him!!! You stated that your not married so just up and leave, but leave a nasty note on the table for him so he won't report you missing. Go back to your family in the other state and get a restraining order on him.

[Joseph69]

He sounds like a rat. File for a divorce.

[jessiie06]

Dump him now

[Toadette]

Ugh, love at this point don't mean shit. He obviously doesn't even care enough about you to respect you.

[FistSlaminElite]

I'm sorry but he doesn't love you, no guy who loves his woman would say that, if he truly loved you, he wouldn't cheat, he would just ask "maybe can we try a threesome?"'that way if you're not into it than it doesn't happen and he remains loyal

[safeplace]

you deserve better then that after nine years.

[Shaft50]

I couldn't vote A or B because they just did my head in...

He has given you an ultimatum, right after church ("Did the message speak to your heart today, sweety?" "I want a threesome."), he has shopped around for likely candidates by advertising both of your physical virtues without your permission, in the hope that he could surprise you with an erotic present for your birthday. I don't think he is on the same page as you, and to top it off, if you don't get on the same page, he's going to take out another book!

It doesn't sound good...

[xxbebosxx]

let him cheat on you and dump him on the spot

[amphet11]

break up with him

[red324]

Do you want a guy who wants you, or do you want a guy who wants you and a whole bunch of other women? You're nothing but an object to him.

[gobsmacked3]

I am not a fan of relationships. But, if i was in one and truly loved the woman, I would want any one but her.

Frankly, this is ridiculous and as such tell him to pull his head in or sod off. Or turn the tables and say:

' Ok, I will let you have one after you allow me to have one with two guys...'

I bet his reaction will tell a tale

[chrisbigman]

He's pretty much asking for your permission to cheat on you.

[sp33d]

He will cheat on you if you don't have a threesome? So, after you have had the threesome, he will come up with a new and even more stupid excuse: he will cheat on you if you won't have a threesome with him and your sister or what ever the hell.

Sure threesomes are cool and healthy and all, but going to such lengths is a sign of Desperation. Let him despair on his own, you don't need this.

[Weirdguy24]

What a douchbag. You deserve better than him.

[HappyToBeAlive]

he's a fuckboy on all levels. Haha dump that bitch

[Jackblue]

He's a jerk and you need to leave him.

[greycadillacs]

You need to drop him. As hard as that is, this ultimatum is not the basis for a good relationship. A year's worth of bad behavior is evidence enough this isn't a one time lark and he's going to change and be a good guy. It will continue, and it will be even more secretive.