Did this guy take advantage of me?

Question

Ok so last year I was dancing with a guy (pub manager) and got very drunk. We got cosy and started kissing. Eventually he lead me to the upper rooms and took me from behind. I was pretty drunk and wasn’t sure if I wanted it or not but didn’t want to upset him so just let him go. He didn’t have a condom I found out since he bent me over the sink and took me from behind.

He left and I left and passed out at home. Woke up and didn’t know what to feel about it honestly. I didn’t say no but I didn’t really want want it and because I was drunk I feel he took advantage of me especially since he didn’t even use a condom and came inside me (Fortunately I was on the pill)

Was I taken advantage of or am I just overthinking it and getting worked up over nothing?

glennos89 · Accepted Answer

Honestly you knew what was happening but you choose not tell him you didn't want it.
I dont think you can blame him then for the fact that you guys had sex. It's your responsibility to tell him you don't want it, he can't look inside your head and read what you are thinking at that moment.

I wouldn't be to upset if I where you... If you feel the need to talk to him about it then do it! Maybe it will make you feel better. I understand that it isn't nice to end up in a situation you didn't want but luckely nothing bad happened like you being pregnant so try to let it go and learn a lesson for next time that it won't happen again!

But to be clear... You can't blame a guy for having sex with you if you choose not to let him know that you are to drunk and really don't wanne have sex with him! You are responsible for your own welbeing and being wasted because of the alcohol and not knowing what you are doing or what you want is something that is your own fault. Next time dont drink to much and even more important...

Tell the guy that you don't wanne have sex!! Only then you can blame him for taking advantage of you.

Sadly to many girls these days aren't taking responsibility for their own actions and find it easier to blame men for it and that's really not fair!!

As a man you are expected to start the conversation, plan the date and pay for it, take the following steps to make sure it can grow into something more then just flirting, but when to get to the point that sex becomes involved and woman don't tell whether they want it or not, then the male gets the blame because you didn't want to have sex but you didn't tell him that either at that moment.

It's really bad to be honest! We all know that there are lots of pervert men out there that rape, take advantage etc etc.. and ofcourse they should be held accountable!!!
But woman should stop blaming everything on men because you make it very hard for good guys to understand what is acceptable and what is not. Woman should take way more responsibility for their own actions aswell! But sadly a lot of them don't self reflect on their own mistakes because blaming someone else is what easier. And that's should change for real!

Same applies for those woman who call guys they are not attracted to "creeps" or "perverts" because of flirting with them, while the guy who they are attracted to flirts in the same exact way as the guy she wasn't attracted to... and then it's okay for her and she won't call him a creep or pervert.

I know some woman who read this are like this and so to all the woman who recognize this because they are guilty on it... Stop being a creep yourself because you can't blame 1 guy for his action and allow the next one for doing the same because that's very childish, immature and very toxic to men in general. Those girls give good woman a bad name and it should change for real

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

He took advantage of you cuz he knew you were drunk as shit so he could have his way with you , the fact that he took you upstairs to bend you ever and jizz inside you , shows he didn’t care whether you would get pregnant or not and sadly you are probably not the first girl he did that to , especially if he is the pub manager , so you are best to go get checked for STD’s cuz it sounds like you weren’t the only one , I use to be a bouncer at a night club and the shit I witnessed and experienced with people getting drunk as shit just blew my mind on how selfish and vulnerable people become , I saw a lot of shit that made me lose respect for a lot of girls’ and guys that were cheating on their partners left and right and being screwed by someone else in a back room of the club , we would kick them out or carry them out and throw them out the door. I have witnessed so many relationships being destroyed because alcohol was involved , I felt bad for a lot of guys and girls that would come in looking for their partner to find them being screwed by someone else. I like to drink beer but when I am in a relationship with a girl, I stay away from those environments cuz I know the shit that happens , if a partner is going to those places without you , you are best to end that relationship because they clearly don’t value or respect you if they did they wouldn’t need that shit in their lives and wouldn’t need to go with out you , so don’t fall for that shit , if you aren’t your partner’s top priority don’t waste your time with them anymore , I had drunk girls just come up to me when I was working grabbing my ass and my cock and trying to kiss me to find out the girl had a husband or boyfriend and yes I brought a few home and fucked them not really knowing what their history was so I always made sure I wore a condom , even though I hate condoms my ass uses them until I feel the girl is on it for the long haul , STD’s is something you do. It want to have , I know people that have them and it is so flicked up , So yes you should go get checked and yes you were taken advantage of

CMeow · Accepted Answer

I don’t think he acted with bad intentions but he also didn’t act with your best interests in mind. If you didn’t give consent at any point before then, he should not have assumed that kissing meant yes to sex. It is important to speak up for yourself and let him know if you are not happy with what he is doing, but he also should have thought to ask before beginning to have sex with you. It is disrespectful to make that assumption and then not use a condom to top it off. He’s putting you at risk and if he’s not worried about putting himself at risk as well, then I would guess he has unprotected sex with anyone else who is willing. To each their own, but catching a disease is not something anyone should risk unless they’re with someone they trust. Cumming inside you is a whole other level of disregard, and he probably thought you would be too drunk to notice or speak up. You have every right to feel the way you do about what happened. You both are responsible for giving and receiving consent. You NOT protesting is not you giving consent, and he didn’t ask. In reality you both played a part in this happening, but he is wrong nonetheless, so it all comes down to how you want to look at this situation

ShesRad80 · Accepted Answer

sounds like he did, if you were that drunk, he preyed on you as scumbags do. just make sure you keep yourself more alert, don't drink to that excess, because you never know what can happen, this was a horrible thing done to you but it could have been way worse, I know a girl who went out partying got that drunk and never returned home alive, she was killed. please be extra vigilant to keep yourself safe.

chrissykerdock · Answer

if you were kissing you probably got him horny... the fact he came in your butt isn't so bad... i think your just overreacting

Paris13 · Answer

Even though You were Pretty Drunk, Many May Say it was Consensual that You Knew What was going on But didn't Want to Upset Him. You didn't Have to Go to That Upper Room. xxoo

razelove · Answer

Sounds like buyer's remorse. More than anything else, if while you're sober you realize you didn't enjoy sleeping with him, say as much to him, and don't drink around him again if that's a concern.

Sam161 · Answer

Pub manager is it possible that he was also providing you with your drinks getting you drunk and then taking advantage of a young attractive drunk woman to have sex in an upper room or a bathroom I don't think it matters whether he had a condom or not even if he had a condom he still took advantage of you there was no consent if you would have fought him you think you were the one you think he would have stopped. I think he took advantage of you and the next time I go to that Pub I'd let him know in front of everybody. And thank God you were on the pill.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

It sounds like you considered saying “no” but refrained from doing so because you didn’t want to upset him. Lots of people have sex when they are under the influence and it is not rape. If you were capable of saying no before he had sex with you, this is consensual sex.

I expect some of the wine crowd to disagree with me but I don’t care.

Red_Arrow · Answer

Obviously you both wanted sex. He did not force you. He was apparently less drunk than you so had better control of himself, so in that sense he took advantage, but it was still something you wanted. You realized later that he did not use a condom, but since you were on the pill you probably did not concern yourself about that, and he probably assumed you were on birth control as so many women are. So you wanted sex, you enjoyed it, you were not going to get pregnant, so I would say that you are getting worked up over nothing.

MrCommodore · Answer

Yes he took advantage, but probably not rape as you willingly participated.

Anemone978 · Answer

All I can say is if you can't make reasonable decisions while drinking.. then don't drink so much.. maybe he took advantage but at the end of the day it is on you to say no.

lightbulb27 · Answer

not clear if you lead him on. in general, yes he took advantage of you.

boys that take advantage of drunk chicks are lame. girls that lead them on are not using their brains. the idea of getting drunk around people you don't know and trust, is really stupid... rethink it.

Reminds me of this... there's consequences. Maybe you were lucky, but don't push your luck.

Famous boxer dies of aids because...https://www.kcconfidential.com/2013/09/03/hearne-scribe-reveals-how-tommy-morrison-got-hiv/

integrale77 · Answer

Depending on how you act when drunk he might not totally have been aware he was taking advantage.
Reason I say that is my ex wife was completely capable of acting normal when drunk but would black out whatever happened.

It for sure was not rape you had plenty of opportunities to turn down his advances.

If you didn't like what happened you need to control your drinking in the future you are still responsible for your actions when drunk.

SnowedIn · Answer

If you want the technical answer, if you don't explicitly say yes, then it's a no and he took advantage of you.  But your truth may be somewhat more nebulous.

richardcory · Answer

I think he took advantage of you, but not to an extent that its illegal - the way you describe it you were aware of what was going on and didn't tell him to stop.

I think its a bad idea to get so drunk that your judgement is clouded. It makes it too easy to end up in a bad situation. It may be his fault, but it was still negative for you. Its easy to have fun without being drunk

Gent207-2 · Answer

Sounds like a crazy evening - may I ask how long ago was this?

Lynx122 · Answer

You were perfectly capable of saying no and walking away but you didn't because it was uncomfortable. But it's up to you to make sure you can deal with uncomfortable situations or not get into them in the first place. So take a self defence class and learn how to deal with situations where you know what you have to say will not make the other person happy, it's difficult for everyone but it's a skill that we need to have.

Or you can just be more cautious about who you hang out with and don't drink anymore.

There's many options.

Taking advantage it's difficult to say you weren't even sure if you were against it so it's hard for me to judge. There's often situations where the guy wants sex more than the woman but that's not automatically immoral that's why there's laws about which lines can't be crossed.

I'd say if you feel bad about it just take it as a experience so you know what to avoid in the future.

stepyo99 · Answer

You just sound like a slut with low self-esteem who regrets something you did. I would suggest that you stop being an alcoholic skank and clean up your act instead of trying to blame all of your mistakes on others.

MementoMori777 · Answer

In a way yea, you were intoxicated

AviatorTom · Answer

He took advantage of you. That's why you should watch what, and how much, you drink. Since you intentionally didn't stop him, it's not rape.

RavVid · Answer

I guess you need to define 'taken advantage of'. I would say yes but also say you didn't take responsibility of yourself.

mstbooblover · Answer

Difficult to answer yes or no, but sure is you should have made yourself understood clearly, whether agreeing to have sex or not. I think you're both responsible: you, because even drunk you let him have his fun; the guy, because you were drunk, which gave him an advantage. Keep in mind we are always responsible for our acts, safe if we passed out really completely. When drunk or high, there's always some consciousness, like a little entity able to observe our own person and actions. Difficult to explain, but sure next time you're in a similar situation, you will get aware of that phenomenon.