My boyfriend wants two girlfriends, what should I do?

[Nicolemaddie]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years and I know from the beginning he wouldn't settle down with me because he loves to have sex with people and so we are not "officaly together" he still sleep with other girls every now and then but now He ask me he wants to have 2 girlfriends. What should I do? We are in our 20s.

[ksoma]

It'd be a poly relationship for him, having two girlfriends.
What about you? And the other girlfriend? Would you be allowed to see other people? And what if, despite his claims this would be enough for him, it wasn't, and he cheated?

I like the idea of a very specific type of poly relationship. Like him, it involves having two girlfriends... but how I picture it, it would be a triangle. I am with them both, and they are both with me, and with each other. Everyone has a romantic relationship with each other.

That doesn't sound like what he wants. It sounds like he wants the benefits of a relationship from two women, while expecting exclusivity from them both.
That's more like polygamy.

But my bigger concern is that he has never been committed and faithful up to now. What do you do, and his other girlfriend do, if he ends up sleeping around?

No. If you and he were monogamous, committed and faithful, and you were bisexual and shared his interest in inviting in a third party, another girl? Someone who you both were attracted to, both fell for, and she would be as much your girlfriend as his?
I'd say go for it.
But that doesn't sound like what this situation is. And I'll be honest, I don't like how your situation sounds at all.

[Nicolemaddie]

Monogamous that's exactly how he wants it to be but the thing is i dont like girls.

[ksoma]

And that's why I say you shouldn't go for this. He wants the ability to have his sexual adventures, and he expects you to be untouched, except for him. I could imagine rare situations where a straight woman would actually enjoy a second woman in the relationship, where he has both, and they have each other, even if non-sexually. But he wants to bring in another person, with you having no say, for him to be with, while you are to not be with anyone else, all on the hope that he is able to be satisfied with the two of you, and not cheat on you... as well as the hope that the new woman doesn't feel she needs to fight for dominance and try to push you out. I think this is a bad deal for you. A very bad one. I don't see what you get out of it, aside from "keeping" a person you've had for a few years, who can't even be decent enough to commit to you. Worst case? You say you won't accept this, he leaves, and you, at 23, can start over with someone who respects you.

[MrOracle]

He was honest with you from the beginning. He did not want to be exclusive. You clearly do. The only solution is to break up.

You have been lying to yourself the whole time, hoping he was going to change his mind. He isn't. You are finally realizing that when he told you the truth at the start, he REALLY meant it.

If you want to be happy, then in the future, you need to listen and believe what men tell you about themselves and their goals, rather than ignoring what they say and substituting your own desires. If a guy doesn't want what you want, then he isn't the right guy for you - no matter how attractive he is or how much you like him. You have to move on and keep looking. I hate to say it, but you did this to yourself.

[DanoMR98]

Mr Oracle, you always come in with the best advice. Are you a student of the professor, Tom Leykis?

[MrOracle]

@DanoMR98 Not really. I've heard him a few times, but I think he takes it to a greater extreme than I do (and I sometimes exaggerate a bit to make a point or to break people out of their fixed way of thinking). But Leykis is more right than wrong.

[sh4yansh]

I second this

[surferfelix]

Leykis is a PUA, lets leave it at that. I admire his study of female psychology, but I disagree with what Leykis believes needs to be done with that information. Life isn't about getting pussy, and the general consensus of PUA's scream arrogance which doesn't allow me to take them seriously. Nevertheless, I understand that the PUA movement is a backbone for some of the more helpful answers on here. Especially because so many questions revolve around understanding the opposite gender. Here is the golden psychological rule though which I think Oracle pointed out very clearly. Your emotions determine how you experience life, you can't change them so you should always listen to them in a relationship. This can only change if you want to assign new values to your emotions (often done with ration), the problem with this is that you will end up rationalising your feelings away for a long time, leaving you unsatisfied. Its easier to leave him.

[MrOracle]

@surferfelix "Leykis is a PUA, lets leave it at that. I admire his study of female psychology, but I disagree with what Leykis believes needs to be done with that information." Exactly. I use (and agree with) the same information, but to help the sexes understand each other and their motivations and desires, which a lot of people (on both sides) don't understand or don't want to accept. I'm not trying to teach anyone to be a PUA, but perhaps to have the confidence to actually ask a girl out or for a girl to pick the right guy.

[Hyped_up_on_coffee]

If you tell us that you aren’t officially together then he isn’t your boyfriend and it’s clear he doesn’t respect you. And polyamory doesn’t equate to financial stability... what a dumb ass.

From observing other people’s experiences. People I know who are polyamorous are gross. One is an ex friend who lives with his girlfriend and they are ultra crazy liberal hippies. He lives with her because he can’t keep a job and she has low self esteem.

Another couple are my friends friends. This guy has a really pretty wife and his girlfriend is chubby and apparently gives better bjs than her. The wife has a girlfriend who is a stripper , she fucks her drug dealer... it’s so ratchet. They all have to make a schedule for sex and everyone gets jealous.

[Leafpool2]

Ask him how he would react if you were also dating another guy. If he flips out he just wants to be able to cheat on you with impunity. If he says he would be okay with that he might just be interested in an open relationship which can be good if everyone is consenting to it.

[DocTheSailorMan]

This is actually really good advice

[Ayer93]

👆👍

[tmiranda08]

I would add her & subtract him 🙄

[2opaz]

stop rolling your eyes

[tmiranda08]

Okay Dad

[tmiranda08]

🙄🙄🙄

[2opaz]

dont make me scold you, young lady

[tmiranda08]

22 going on 52 😂

[sally421]

How can you settle with someone like that? He's not your boyfriend.. he's just playing with you. Know your own pride and worth and leave this guy!

[ItsMeYPJ]

Red flags should go off. Look for a man that's ready for the commitment of a stable relationship, not for a boy that just has to run wild.

He basically says that you alone can't statisfy his needs. I think you should be wary about him and honestly probably just drop him and let him be on his way.

[availableuponrequest]

Nah. People in polygamous relationships aren't in them because a single person can't satisfy them. Most of the time it isn't even sexually driven. In this case if it was sexually driven he would've asked to have an open relationship not a second partner

[MlleCake]

I think you should read a book called "opening Up" by Tristan Taormino together. It may just be that this is something YOU are not wired for, in which case, it's ok for you to say so, and move on to someone who wants monogamy.

[martyfellow]

? Not have financial problems? Isn’t that the least of the difficulties that might arise?

ACtually you’d have more such wories since generally guys still have to spend money on girls to get any sort of attention.

At least he’s being honest with you. You have a choice... break up or acept his infidelity. At least you can make the decision with full knowlege of the situation!!

[yucychan]

I've only been hearing about what your boyfriend wants.
What about you? What do you want?
Are you really fine with this?
Are you sure yours is a polyamorous relationship? Are you with any other guys as well? Is he fine with you having multiple bfs besides him? If not, I feel you are being short-changed here.
If you are in this relationship with the hope that he will change his mindset in the future, fall in love with you, and settle down etc etc, then you are just fantasizing an impossible dream. Wake up, don't be so naive.
And correct me if I'm wrong, he wants to limit himself to date 2 girls instead of more so that you two wouldn't have financial problems. Wow, aren't you 'lucky" to have "Mr Considerate" by your side?
Forgive me for being blunt, but your guy is an asshole. He is pretty much making use of your innocence and "inability to fight and say no" to do what he pleases. Your silence and hesitation to voice out what you really want gives him the approval to sleep around with other girls.
Please be smart

[frndlee]

Well, I would advice you to see what happens if you put forward an issue for having two boyfriends.
Ask him and then just know how he reacts. This would help you to know him better.
And yeah, remember, turn into funny gag if turns emotional.😊
I hope that helps

[Jammie2]

It depends on what YOU want. Open relationships can work but rarely do. It is very hard to do it correctly. An "open" relationship is more about sex but polyamory is about love and relationships. Do what is best for you and don't settle.

[Jessicaml]

I mean it seems like you have no problem letting him have sex with other girls so why not join? Maybe it’s something he decided he wants to include you in? Personally I could never let a guy I love be with other people in front of me or not.

[Nicolemaddie]

I do i have a problem with it! But he told me from the beginning he doesn't want to settle down.

[Jessicaml]

I don’t think you should let him do that to you. It’s not fair. I know you must love him but it can’t be all about him. Let him go if he refuses

[lirannl]

Then be clear about what you want and don't want. Such a thing a thing could only work with total honesty and openness, and mutual willingness. If you don't like the idea make it clear. If it doesn't fit then finish it up, no anger, you're just not for each other. If you do decide you're interested, then have fun.

[DonRomeo]

you're smarter than the dumb, ignorant replies on here. Theyre just jealous.

Im in an open relationship - but only sexually. That is, if Im safe and keep my girl up to date (for many it just makes sense not to know though), then she accepts me for who I am. I Love her for that. We met when she was 19 and I was 31. We've been together for a year and a half, and we love eachother - although we live in different cities.

Because she accepts my sexuality, I think she has the most potential for the future of any girl I've been in a relationship with.

[DonRomeo]

At the same time, I dont take another girlfriend. Short term sex or hookups are ok, but being in a caring relationship with another girl seems a bit too far for her. Because she lets me be myself and fuck other girls, I accept and respect her limits. I think its a big jump from hooking up (which is natural, we are psychobiologically supposed to have anonymous sex), to being in multiple long-term relationships. And remember - its not something you have to agree with if you can't handle it. Who knows, maybe she's bi and wants you too. Or maybe he just wants to 'pump&dump, but can't just hookup cos she only lets him if theyre together. So maybe it's short term. Maybe it isn't at all because you refuse. Its up to you too.

[kaajal]

You should do what feels right for you. If you aren't ready to accept this arrangement, then you should break up. Dont ever settle for something you dont want. He has been very honest, in return, be honest and tell him how you feel, even if that means you would part ways after this.

[EvilAngel114]

Leave him. Tell him he can have two other girls but you won’t be apart of that. Someone is going to end up getting their feelings hurt and it’s most likely going to be you. No other self-respecting woman would join into something like that. And if she does... chances are she’s got someone else on the side. So No, you need to leave him. Have some respect for yourself and that’s too risky. STDs amongst other things.

[moosette134]

Get out of there. That's not acceptable and it's very disrespectful to you. If he valued YOU he wouldn't need anyone else.

[MapleSummer]

Why are you still with him? It's clear to me from your question you two want different things. Dump his ass

[Logorithim]

Tell him to get lost and get a boyfriend who will commit to an exclusive relationship.

[Pizza_lover159]

True !

[hellionthesagereborn]

Dump him. its still cheating. He wants his cake and to eat it too, and your allowing yourself to be used and by extension devalued. He does not value you, he is clearly more interested in sex then interested in you and your well being. At any point has he considered how this may affect you? I'm guessing not, I'm going to guess he is pushing the boundary to see what he can get away with. A relationship requires a level of commitment and clearly he isn't willing to give that. Now if your fine with it go for it, but its not going to change, he isn't going to settle down and quite frankly I can't see why you would want to settle down with him since clearly he sees you as at best a friends with benefits. As for polyamoury, that's just a fancy way of saying sleeping around because the fact is you cannot maintain multiple intimate connections at once. Love is work, and its sacrifice and their is not enough time in the day to make sure you are giving both partners everything they need to be happy and to maintain the relationship. Further more you have the issue where you cannot spend more time with one then the other or you risk losing that relationship. On top of all of that because you have a "back up" you have no real reason to put that much effort into either relationship, its like having two jobs, its a lot easier to walk out on a job when you have a back up. But again, if your fine with it do as you will but it will probably end poorly for you (he will be fine, clearly, as he doesn't really respect your opinion on the matter, I would guess if you told him no he will either break up with you or do it anyway and let you walk out because he doesn't really care what you want.).

[OlderAndWiser]

Is he okay with you having sex with other guys?

[Trentonator]

Let me just start by saying, I personally don't think he can handle two girlfriends. Polygamists for instance seem really happy, but trust me, they want to kill themselves... Hell hath no scorn like a woman's wrath right? Don't go adding multiplyers to that guys. And women, threat yourself with the respect you deserve. There is nothing wrong with dating multiple women but once he defines the relationship with "you" it should mean he wants to pursue a future with "you". If he still needs time to figure out what he wants then let him. You should do the same though. Otherwise you're just a placeholder.

[MaddyMax]

I'd probably leave him, unless you're alright with him having sex with another woman and even showing affection to her.

[MrMysteryMan]

Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too.

Yeah if you're not interested in being the side girl or sharing him, then I wouldn't. Sounds like, unless the two women really don't mind, there will be issues with this arrangement.