Should I listen to my guy friend and ask this guy ( through text) about his body count and if he’s okay with slow moving relationships?

[Sweetnessxoxo]

I’m scared of ruining things with a good guy and we’ve only been texting for a month and only met twice in real life we’re also not dating yet but i do want to be something to him one day so please give me good advice since i am skeptical and kind of scared about asking this. The reason my guy friend told me this was because i asked how do i know if a guy is not fake/ just wants sex etc. and he told me to ask his body count and to tell him that I’m not looking for anything sexual right now and if he doesn’t agree to just leave him. The thing is I’m not one of those people that want to wait until marriage to lose their virginity I want to wait at least 5 months to a year of dating to do that so it’s not like i want to be 100 percent abstinent. I also don’t know how to bring this up through text and i will also have to tell him that I’m a virgin. So is this a no no or should I ask? If i should ask then how do i word it?

[0112358]

I wouldn't ask it quite like that. A few key points:

"slow moving relationship" is ambiguous. It could suggest sex coming slow, but can also suggest emotional distancing and just dating pretty casually. My impression is that you don't actually want to 'move slowly' necessarily, and hanging out every few weeks isn't going to make you suddenly want to have sex either. You want a secure relationship with someone where you both care about each other.

I think telling him you're inexperienced and would move slowly physically, in a relationship, is fine. I wouldn't necessarily give him a timeline. Saying 'slow but i'm not waiting for marriage' is enough. If you want more advice about this, feel free to message me, but basically, if the rest of the relationship is going well, I have a strong hunch you will be ready faster then he gets impatient. If the relationship doesn't go well, that won't be the case but that's probably a sign to end it. Basically don't WORRY about this aspect too much, it probably won't be a problem if everything else is good.

I'd agree that if you tell him you're inexperienced and would need to move slowly with a boyfriend, that would send a guy who wants a hookup running. Which is good! But "i'd move slowly with my boyfriend because i'm inexperienced" is much less terrifying to relationship minded guys then just "I want to move slow" in general which can suggest all kind of attachment avoidance and an ambivalence to being in a relationship in general.

[VIVANT]

I could not say this better if I tried. 👍🏻👍🏻💯 Also I’ll add it held 💯 true in my case. His points are spot on. I can elaborate privately if you want more detail, but I don’t want to hijack the response by adding unnecessary commentary. so I’m stopping here 😛😊

[ohshee]

Ok first if you like the guy. Go slow listen to what he is saying. Not what you want to hear if you like him slow way down snd tell him if it come from ur heart he will hear it,,, same with you,, if its from his heart you will feel it ,, dont play games or try to manipulate an answer you might want to hear,,, when games are played it's not real so always be real ,,, text if you want but eye to eye is better,, the best way to ask is first tell. then ask. ,, like have a question. I'm curious. It's none of my business I was thinking about you the other day. ,, I'm a virgin because I believe in something I don't know if u are. And if not. Do u have a body count , and look I will tell u right now fake guys real guys all guys. They are going to want to have sex with you dosent mean they are fake even ur friend even me. Every guy that needed I wants sex that's being honest now any guy that says no. He's fake speak from ur heart be honest no matter how much it might pain you ,, but you get what you put out there so smile listen learn and feel

[AmandaYVR]

Why have you only seen him twice?

I know it's 'normal' now to have many types of conversations over text but I advise you not to ask this this way. You should be in front of him and see him, if you are going to ask.

Though I do not recommend asking a person for "body count." It's not really your business, and most people are going to lie. But talking about your preferences and philosphies of sex... now that is a good conversation to have. You can easily be more tactful, asking a variety of questions, about how he sees relationships in general. Finesse this situation. Don't bulldoze it.

[Sweetnessxoxo]

Because we were only allowed to meet at college and then it shut down and now the only way to see him is if he meets my parents

[888theGreat]

Skype? Face time?

[AmandaYVR]

@888theGreat 888, she's 18, in college, lives with her parents, has a boyfriend. Lay off her.

[Jamie05rhs]

@AmandaYVR I think he was suggesting seeing her boyfriend by those methods.

[AmandaYVR]

Ooooh. My bad. Sorry @888thegreat

[888theGreat]

I am glad you apologized , I was about to take you out of my Will.

[AmandaYVR]

Can I have a pony now?

[888theGreat]

You can have my mansion with room for a pony!

[AmandaYVR]

@888theGreat Yipeeeee!! So fun. Thank you very much.
(One of the best scenes ever in TV:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4NjRLqSc2Q

Hey have you seen Knives Out? We just reenacted the story.

[888theGreat]

I got that from 'Keeping Up Appearances" English show

[DizzyDesii]

Only ask him if you're truly curious. I personally care if theyve been with more than 3-5 people

[Sweetnessxoxo]

Now my friend made me curious. But i’m afraid to ruin the possibility of a relationship with a good guy or coming off wrong

[DizzyDesii]

Of you come across wrong, explain it to him. If he doesn't understand your stance then he's not the one for you

[Obtuse]

I might be old-fashioned here but I'd omit such questions especially out of the blue over text without a good transition. I prefer a more tactful approach like talking about moving slowly, maybe asking him about past relationships (but only if you truly want to know), etc. I don't find any major fault in being very upfront here and establishing things ASAP, but it's not so fun for the romantic side of me.

One thing I wouldn't do is to do these things like asking for body counts with the motive of trying to figure out his intentions. After all, if he's the type to just whisper sweet words into a woman's ear to sleep with her, he can just as well deceive you with the answer to such questions. If you want to know more firmly if a guy is serious about you, I'd rely more on letting him show you rather than tell you.

[Sweetnessxoxo]

How can he show me?

[ZELLxoxo]

Listen to this @asker

[Sweetnessxoxo]

So you don’t think asking this would be wrong? I’ve never asked a guy if they are a virgin and im kind of scared to

[Obtuse]

It's going to probably break down into gazillion clues. But, for example, if he meets your fam at some point, that's typically not something a player would do. If things heat up and you tell him you're not comfortable moving so quickly (which you absolutely should if you aren't) and he stops, that's not typically something a player would do. You can look at the way he treats people other than yourself if his values reflect there or if there's a big inconsistency. Things of this sort. One general thing I'd try to avoid is letting fear motivate your actions. That can come across in a bad way regardless of how you do/say things. You be a woman who knows her boundaries, isn't paranoid, but has a firm voice. I think that is a good way without suggesting exactly what to say or do (which I recommend you figure out for yourself). But one thing that definitely helps is to not let fear and insecurity guide your actions.

[ZELLxoxo]

''But, for example, if he meets your fam at some point, that's typically not something a player would do. If things heat up and you tell him you're not comfortable moving so quickly (which you absolutely should if you aren't) and he stops, that's not typically something a player would do'' Just speaking as a girl but a player totally would do these things. As long as he gets what he wants in the end.

[Sweetnessxoxo]

He’s supposed to meet my family tomorrow but my ex also did that and was a player

[Sweetnessxoxo]

I’m kind if confused so you’re saying to omit from asking this right? I’m sorry I am always confused lol

[Obtuse]

@ZELLxoxo >> Just speaking as a girl but a player totally would do these things. As long as he gets what he wants in the end. That's tough. I suspect you need a whole culmination of evidence to distinguish it -- perhaps a tiny piece isn't enough. What I think is the best defense against a player is know your boundaries, do not do anything you aren't comfortable with no matter how charming or smooth. That's the ultimate line of defense as I see it -- don't let yourself be sweet-talked into these things. Know what you're willing and unwilling to do upfront.

[Obtuse]

>> I’m kind if confused so you’re saying to omit from asking this right? I’m sorry I am always confused lol I'm not so good at saying exactly what to do. I don't have the confidence here. I can say it's a really annoying thing if you try to directly apply the advice of others without ultimately deciding for yourself what is right and scare another person away in the process. At the very least if you judge more critically for yourself and it doesn't work out, you can say you acted according to what you genuinely believed was right. All I can offer is basic observations like how fear and insecurity are not a good motivator typically for actions that draw people closer to us rather than pushing them away. So try not to let such forces guide your decisions.

[VIVANT]

@@@SweetnessxoxoA At the very least if you judge more critically for yourself and it doesn't work out, you can say you acted according to what you genuinely believed was right. I AGREE 💯 this is exactly the most important “first line of defense against regret” piece of Advice anyone can ever get in my opinion 👍🏻👍🏻🌺

[Sweetnessxoxo]

@Obtuse @VIVANT How does this sound “ there’s something that I want to ask you it’s kind of personal btw” and when he asks what i’ll say “ I was wondering if you’re a virgin and if you’re okay with slow moving relationships?” Does that sound okay?

[Sweetnessxoxo]

I didn’t send it

[Obtuse]

How about just chill and wait to hang out in person at least? If you want to talk delicate subjects it's easier to tell the tone/mood and be tactful, humorous when appropriate, etc, in person. Well, I don't wanna make you second-guess yourself even more! Doh. :-D But try to chill, relax, take it easy. You can do that more and develop a more natural approach that still exchanges the desired information the more confident you become in yourself and your ability to establish boundaries.

[Sweetnessxoxo]

I guess i won’t i don’t have the guts to do it anyways

[Obtuse]

I'm really trying to steer clear of telling you what to say or what not to say. I just want to give you some tools and general ideas that might help you figure it out. I hope you'll forgive me if I don't want to firmly say, "Yes, say that, or no, don't say that." But from my standpoint and this is just getting into my personal philosophy, dating isn't like a job interview. At the very least I wasn't that popular to have women standing in line where I could be like, "What's your body count? Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? All right, thank you for your time. NEXT!" You know, not like that. :-D To me, it's getting to know a person, ideally slowly. And there are no guarantees that it'll work out. Life gives no guarantees. It doesn't even give guarantees when people get married that it'll work out. So I have fun with it. I try to connect. It's like working from friendship to romantic to possibly, not always, something more. And I do get that type of information you're seeking now, but I weave it naturally into our interactions -- hardly at all like that job interview analogy above. That's just how I roll. I do think it's the most natural. But maybe you figure out how you roll. You develop your own style.

[Sweetnessxoxo]

I agree with you 100 percent thank you ⭐️

[AustinMan]

His body count as you call it is none of your business. Just straight up ask him his intentions. Tell him that you want to find a relationship but that you want to take your time developing it.

[StarWax2]

I agree with this. I always take a massive step back when people try and ask that, like they are entitled to know. What does it matter?

[Alif70]

Always start off with honesty. Talk about things even in ten or twenty years. If it's on your mind ask. It should not be an issue either way as we all learn from mistakes in past relationships. This can only benefit new relationships. Past partners make no difference.

[VIVANT]

Excellent 😊

[Lliam]

"The thing is I’m not one of those people that want to wait until marriage to lose their virginity I want to wait at least 5 months to a year of dating to do that so it’s not like i want to be 100 percent abstinent." That sounds like a healthy and sensible attitude.

I think the trend of asking about "body counts" is weird. I wouldn't do it. It seems immature and implies judgementalism, as if someone has to submit a resume. I had lots of girlfriends in my life and not one asked how many other girls I had slept with. I never asked them, either. I didn't care. You either like someone or you don't.

The only think I would possibly do before sleeping with someone is ask if they would go with me to a clinic to get us both tested for STDs.

[MrCommodore]

You don't have to ask him how many girls he slept with, just make it clear that your looking for a boyfriend/relationship, not a ONS or friends with benefits situation. And that you would never sleep with him unless your officially dating.

If he isn't genuinely interested or genuine, he will try to wriggle out of all commitment, and try to assure you that it's better to sleep together early on, and not commit too soon.

[ZackBan]

It's all about how you ask.
If you ask in a manner where it's really important to you and you're gonna judge him for it then he'll be spooked.
But if it comes up through a natural conversation. Perhaps as a joke question that turns real then you might be able to get an answer without making things weird.

[TadCurious]

I'm very much against asking people about their past sex lives. The only exception would be inquiring about a person's STD status before having sex with them.

[Sevenpointfive]

why 5 months to a year?

[Sweetnessxoxo]

Because i want to make sure that i know that person well

[Sevenpointfive]

ok good. for some people the kismet isn't apparent, but you'll learn

[Sweetnessxoxo]

What’s a kismet?

[Sweetnessxoxo]

And learn what?

[Sevenpointfive]

it's fate. you always fulfill your fate

[SALIM28]

Yes u should tell him everything before getting into relationship maybe he's not ok with that. He has the right to know it

[Sweetnessxoxo]

I just feel conflicted because i am not sure how

[Sweetnessxoxo]

To ask him. I’ve never asked a guy this before and i am afraid of looking wrong

[SALIM28]

Well it mustn't be vague or something u should say it very seriously and straight. DON'T BE AFRAID OF RUINING THINGS. If he can't wait he's not the right person for u

[Sweetnessxoxo]

I asked 😱

[Sweetnessxoxo]

But not his body count i just asked if he was a virgin and if he’s okay with slow moving relationships

[Sweetnessxoxo]

He said that he’s not a virgin but that he is okay with slow moving relationships

[SALIM28]

It's not slow moving it's 5 months!!! U should say it exactly. ANYWAY

[Ripper_E]

Do not ask him his body count. Just be clear about you want. Don't give him a time frame.

[MannMitAntworten]

Asking this is ridiculous. Once upon a time it was never a question. It still should not be.

[LOUKOUKOU]

Well, if you told him no sex before marriage, and he respected that, then you know he's cool.

[Massageman]

First of all, IF you must ask, try NOT to ask via any manner other than face-to-face.
Second of all, don't ask him- period.

[Thatsamazing]

A guy's body count doesn't matter.

[ThatGuy133]

That's two questions that would contradict what you are trying to tell him. Stick to the "going slow" question and ask him the body count question when you've guys been together longer

[Jamie05rhs]

Here's some real honesty (sorry):. If you don't want to wait until marriage,... then it doesn't matter. Because the whole point of saving sex until marriage is to make sure that the guy will stick around. But if you're going to give it up anyway without making him sign the contract and say vows to you, then you're really no better off waiting 5 months than you would be waiting 5 days. If he's going to leave you, he's going to leave you. Period. It doesn't matter if it happens after half a year or after a week. The end result is still the same: a failed relationship, a breakup, and an "ex.". If your end goal is finding someone to stay with you long term, I would highly recommend that you save sex until marriage. But if not, then just go ahead and have sex with them whenever you feel like it. If they stay, they stay. If they leave, they leave. And if they're going to leave, then the sooner the better, because that gives you more time to find the right person.

[VIVANT]

the point If waiting is not to “ make someone stuck around” waiting doesn’t make anyone do anything. If a person wants to be with you they do. If they Don’t, they don’t. I think people should wait If they Want to wait but not to as a means of holding in. If that is what is holding a person then there feelings are not genuine and It’d be pretty sad to marry someone who is only with you bc you haven’t had sex yet. It’s pretty thin. Most people wait bc they believe in sharing that with one person. . Not as a means Of mind control. And plenty of people Sheba sex evicts marriage aNd get married. Some prefer it bc they want to ensure compatibility. She won’t ready to have sex. That is why she is waiting. She is not ready. That is the main reason people wait. Not ready. Waiting for marriage us differnt than waiting till I’m ready. But neither of those scenarios is to keep the guy... Nothing a person who doesn’t want to be there. And women have their own reasons for waiting just like men do theirs... Sex and timing is very Individual thing..

[Jamie05rhs]

@VIVANT "If a person wants to be with you they do. If they Don’t, they don’t." But people can change their minds. A lot of guys will genuinely want to be with a girl but then a few months later they decide that they're done with her and she's annoying them so they dump her. Wanting to be with someone does not equal permanence.

[Jamie05rhs]

"If that is what is holding a person then there feelings are not genuine" What do you mean by that?

[VIVANT]

Of course people can change their mind anyone can any gender. . But this is true whether dating or friends or married. If sex changes someone’s mind they couldn’t have been solidly in in the first place in my opinion I don’t suggest sleeping with a person when you are not comfortable. But waiting in order to hold onto someone is ridiculous. . I may have misunderstood you in the first place. now it seems you are saying don’t have sex before marriage bc if you break up you’ll regret having sex (?) this i can understand in the case someone only wants sex wuth their marriage partner. But if that isn’t their concern then it Doesn’t matter anyhow. But again I do agree with no regrets, so wait till you are ready. That means diff things for diff people. Waiting till you are ready even till marriage~ That is different then don’t have sex befure marriage bc he will leave. That’s a terrible reason to not have sex bc it isn’t Even about you anymore. Also it won’t work. If waiting for sex is the glue keeping the other person stuck to you, It will be a terrible disappointment to realize you are married for no reason other than unsaturated lust. Now I was under the impression you were saying a reason to wait is to hold onto the guy BUT I was tired and half awake and maybe you were not promoting that , but rather just saying it’s a reason a lot of women wait. I don't know lol I’m kinda tired now too 😛 I thjbk waiting for marriage is great if that’s what both want. But not as a means of security. It’s very fragile and one sided. That is just my opinion 😊 I’m also under the impression she is waiting for grainy reason being that she is not ready 😊

[Jamie05rhs]

@VIVANT "If sex changes someone’s mind" I'm not saying the sex changed their mind. (It could have, id that's all they wanted from the beginning and it was just a game and the whole relationship was fake and an act. But that's not what I'm talking about.) I'm saying that yes, they had had sex by that point. But they decided to leave the relationship because of relational problems with their girlfriend. And these problems are sometimes things that could have been avoided if the two of them had taken the time to build a solid relationship instead of jumping into sex so early when the relationship wasn't established yet. If the relationship isn't stable and secure, then anything can happen. A puff of wind could blow through and the whole thing will come tumbling down. "But waiting in order to hold onto someone is ridiculous. ." No, it's not. (See my above paragraph.) You hold onto someone by putting in the work to build a relationship. Getting to know one another. Finding out who your partner truly is. Spending time together. Developing trust. Sharing in joys and sorrows. Learning each other's love languages and styles of communication. Determining if your values align. Working on goals together.

[VIVANT]

Ok but saying take time to work in a relationship is entirely different then saying ( and I don’t disagree) Women wait in order to Hold into the guy. that just makes it sound like she has no actual interest in sex herself and it’s just about the guys psychr. Also presume not if they are both putting in effort it’s both of them waiting not something the girl waits on To mold the guy. If you had said many people wait in sex so they have fine to strengthen the relationship first I can agree. On the other hand many people have no problem fixing problems and having sex. And others can wait in sec snd still be dysfunctional. I don’t think sex is significant enough to make or break a relationship but I can understand waiting. I can also understand not waiting 🤷‍♀️😊

[Jamie05rhs]

"you are saying don’t have sex before marriage bc if you break up you’ll regret having sex (?) this i can understand in the case someone only wants sex with their marriage partner." Yes. You are correct. That is what I believe (and that is what I want.) And I understand what you are saying on the flip side. But I also think that some people do regret it even if that wasn't their goal. Because sex creates an emotional bond. (Not to everyone, I know. But to a lot of people it does. Including me.) And when that bond is broken, it hurts. "don’t have sex before marriage bc he will leave. That’s a terrible reason to not have sex" It might be a terrible reason but it's still a valid reason." "If waiting for sex is the glue keeping the other person stuck to you, It will be a terrible disappointment to realize you are married for no reason other than unsaturated lust." I agree with is, though. Absolutely. 100%. I'm not going to marry someone just to have sex with them. It isn't about sex. It's about liking the other person so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Meaning you genuinely like who they are on the INSIDE (and I'm not taking about their vagina!) "a reason to wait is to hold onto the guy" Well, that was Steve Harvey's point in Think Like A Man. And I agree with him to a certain degree. But I also do think it's a little simplistic, because there are many other dynamics at play in every relationship. "But not as a means of security." Of course not. I'm not saying you marry someone just to get them to stay with you. HOWEVER, I honestly wouldn't fully trust someone if I asked them to get married but they refused. I would be suspicious to know what was holding them back.

[Jamie05rhs]

"that just makes it sound like she has no actual interest in sex herself and it’s just about the guys psyche." Okay; I agree with that. Women want sex, too. Understood. "Also presume not if they are both putting in effort it’s both of them waiting not something the girl waits on To mold the guy." Right. Both parties have to put in the effort. "If you had said many people wait on sex so they have time to strengthen the relationship first I can agree." Well, isn't that what saving sex for marriage is? Because you have to have a solid relationship in order to make the decision to commit to marriage. Getting engaged is a BIG deal! "On the other hand many people have no problem fixing problems and having sex." "And others can wait on sex and still be dysfunctional." Because they have mental/psychological/behavioral issues and/or they just don't know how to get along with others. And/or the two of them just aren't compatible with one another (personality wise.) "I don’t think sex is significant enough to make or break a relationship." Generally speaking, I don't think it is, either. Which is why I would be perfectly content and satisfied and happy with whatever my wife and I's sexual relationship ends up being. (As long as we HAVE sex. I'm not an asexual person, so I wouldn't want to marry one.)

[elieg]

Ince you tell him about what you want or domt want about when to have sex etc. Then he will tell you things you want to hear. So Don't EVER mention anything.

Dont ask about body count. You can't be that dump to figure he isn't virgin after been in three relationships.

[bannacookies]

Why the heck would someone need to know body count? Lol That sounds weird, but slow moving relationships is fine to ask.

[Sweetnessxoxo]

What if i ask him if he’s a virgin? And then tell him that I am and that i will need to be in a slow moving relationship because of that?

[bannacookies]

I honestly think that kind of stuff shouldn't need to be talked about. It should be just a mutual feeling without needed to be talked about with so soon. Has he talked about sex already?

[Sweetnessxoxo]

Nope

[Silverio_Stieger]

What's your body count? Are u virgin? Hell yeah this guy will ghost you ASAP

[Sweetnessxoxo]

@Silverio_Stieger i just thought that i should believe my friend

[Sweetnessxoxo]

I guess he’s wrong

[888theGreat]

I do, you can't see his medical records, and there are so many diseases out there today. I would also want to know if he is a cheater. There was a chick interested and i straight up asked her about past guys and she in detail told me what she did with each guy. She told me she used to measure their PPs with a ruler. I laughed out loud at that one and then I was thinking "who does that?" I also knew that I didn't want a relationship with her, but I remained friends and i knew I could trust her and I felt she was one that was honest. So, the all the guys bothered me, but I appreciated that she told me about it, but we will never be more than friends. By the way , how many women here have measures their guy's love whacker with a ruler?

[LEADFOOTboi]

it's a thing to be concerned about... you don't wanna be with a whore... ask him "how many other women are you seeing right now, how many have you seen? how many do you know? and... WHO'S THAT BITCH THAT KEEPS HEARTING ALL YOUR PICS ON INSTA/FB?"... works every time

[COMMODOREII]

Never ever do it over text if it never came up in conversation. It is better to discuss in person. This way you can see how he reacts and whether he will lie or tell you the truth.

[COMMODOREII]

What are friends for? 😎